My suspicions have been confirmed.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
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My suspicions have been confirmed.
As most of you know - AH and I have been seperated most of this year. He quit drinking in January but the damage had already been done. I needed to SEE that he had changed, I needed him to prove it to me - no more empty words, broken promises, and lies.
I've come along way in the time we've been seperated. And for that I am very grateful. Especially as today was a test and I think I handled it pretty darn well - much better than I would have in the past.
So here's where my suspicions were confirmed.........
My oldest son (age 15) lives with is father. He only goes to school half a day and then goes to work at the same place his father works. Therefore, they spend a lot of time together. I was actually just commenting on this the other day to my mom - about how they seem to have more of a "buddy-buddy" relationship than a father/son relationship.
Anyways....last year, my AH took my oldest son to the Nascar Race in Michigan. AH's brother was joking with my son about having a beer. (I wasn't happy about it but it was supposedly all in fun jest and nothing happened).
Well, this year, AH again took oldest son to the race. So I was asking DS about the race this weekend. (Needed time to figure out to bring it up in a non-threatening way to get my son to talk to me) Well, I found out that my AH (who has been sober since January) did drink. Not only that - but he gave my 15 year old son beer as well!!!!!!!!!! My son didn't like it so my AH gave him a different kind! I'm sorry but I see AH finding one that my son would like as encouragement beyond even offering him the first one!!!!!!!!!!!!
My son said he knew I would be mad at him. I explained to my son that I am not mad at him, I explained to him that his risks of becoming an alcoholic are higher than other people due to alcoholism running so strongly in all sides of our family. I explained that I understand him being curious but that he just needs to be very careful.
Though I think I handled it very well to my son ----- inside, I am seething mad!!!!!!! How dare my AH do this!!!!!!!
For the past 6 months, DH has supposed to be showing me that he's serious about changing his life, etc. In some aspects of his life - I do see improvement. In other aspects, I see no improvement. But now this...........I just feel like I should end the marriage, go on with my life, and face the fact that he may not be drinking like he was - but he really hasn't changed. Giving my son alcohol and encouraging him to drink is just the knife in my heart that I feel is so UNFORGIVEABLE!!!!!!!
Your thoughts please!
I've come along way in the time we've been seperated. And for that I am very grateful. Especially as today was a test and I think I handled it pretty darn well - much better than I would have in the past.
So here's where my suspicions were confirmed.........
My oldest son (age 15) lives with is father. He only goes to school half a day and then goes to work at the same place his father works. Therefore, they spend a lot of time together. I was actually just commenting on this the other day to my mom - about how they seem to have more of a "buddy-buddy" relationship than a father/son relationship.
Anyways....last year, my AH took my oldest son to the Nascar Race in Michigan. AH's brother was joking with my son about having a beer. (I wasn't happy about it but it was supposedly all in fun jest and nothing happened).
Well, this year, AH again took oldest son to the race. So I was asking DS about the race this weekend. (Needed time to figure out to bring it up in a non-threatening way to get my son to talk to me) Well, I found out that my AH (who has been sober since January) did drink. Not only that - but he gave my 15 year old son beer as well!!!!!!!!!! My son didn't like it so my AH gave him a different kind! I'm sorry but I see AH finding one that my son would like as encouragement beyond even offering him the first one!!!!!!!!!!!!
My son said he knew I would be mad at him. I explained to my son that I am not mad at him, I explained to him that his risks of becoming an alcoholic are higher than other people due to alcoholism running so strongly in all sides of our family. I explained that I understand him being curious but that he just needs to be very careful.
Though I think I handled it very well to my son ----- inside, I am seething mad!!!!!!! How dare my AH do this!!!!!!!
For the past 6 months, DH has supposed to be showing me that he's serious about changing his life, etc. In some aspects of his life - I do see improvement. In other aspects, I see no improvement. But now this...........I just feel like I should end the marriage, go on with my life, and face the fact that he may not be drinking like he was - but he really hasn't changed. Giving my son alcohol and encouraging him to drink is just the knife in my heart that I feel is so UNFORGIVEABLE!!!!!!!
Your thoughts please!
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
I feel for you immensley, and it sounds like you handled it very well with your son - which is your primary responsibility. You set a good example - I probably would have flipped through the roof.. Unbelievable... and bizarre. Makes you wonder how sick he really is - that sounds like the ultimate denial on his part. I'm so sorry. Just when you think things can't get worse and hey! may even be getting better, this has to happen. I wish there was a magic way to make things better. I am new to this and am still in that stage where I have no idea what the hec I'm doing and feel crazy. But, it sounds like you are in control of you - and it sounds like that is the ultimate goal. Many hugs and kudos to you!
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Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: trail of discovery
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Wow, Yes, I would have felt angry also....in fact I have felt that angry when my ASO had given my 16 yr. old daughter beer one afternoon, before I got home from work, just because she wanted it. I hit the roof on that one and let my feelings be very known.
As far as your marriage, only you know if you are ready to close it out and move on in your life.
As far as your marriage, only you know if you are ready to close it out and move on in your life.
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Once Dino said to me that if he had children he would not tell them drugs were bad. He'd tell them how to use drugs safely. I said to myself "Never have children with this man."
That is outrageous.
That is outrageous.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: on my way home
Posts: 73
My fear of what would happen in 11 years at my house....
YOU DID GREAT......Your son probably feels better about being able to talk to you about it and know that you wont "freak" out....and that is so very important and education about alcohol and alcoholism is key to helping keep our vuneralbe kids from this terrible disease....that have to make their own choices but we need to give them all of the information possible to make the right choice..and you are doing that and handling it wonderfully.
It must have been tough....still tough... Good for you!!!
YOU DID GREAT......Your son probably feels better about being able to talk to you about it and know that you wont "freak" out....and that is so very important and education about alcohol and alcoholism is key to helping keep our vuneralbe kids from this terrible disease....that have to make their own choices but we need to give them all of the information possible to make the right choice..and you are doing that and handling it wonderfully.
It must have been tough....still tough... Good for you!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
For some reason some A's and Addicts seem to have had a lobotomy somewhere along the line so just don't have a brain cell to spare.
It's almost like they want to drag the kids into their addiction with them. Maybe it's the misery loves company thing I don't know.
Ngaire
It's almost like they want to drag the kids into their addiction with them. Maybe it's the misery loves company thing I don't know.
Ngaire
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
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Well, AH came and picked up the kids today to take them out to lunch and spend time with them. I said nothing to him - but I admit that when I walked the kid's out to the car, I did shoot him the "death look". Though I doubt he realizes that his son told me what happened - I also don't think it should be too hard for him to figure out why I am so mad. I am still so incredibly angry! I have done so well at "letting go" and not getting upset when it comes to AH. But this is so different as it involves our son! I am still seething yet today!
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
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StnadingStrong
I think you handled this very well. And I think your son is paying attention.
I would be very angry too, but anger's just going to eat you up if you don't move past it. Your son will be exposed to the offer of beer or drugs very soon, if he hasn't already been, and if your A hadn't done this eventually someone else might have, so having good open discussions with him right now (without beating him up with information) and keeping the discussion two way, may help him in the future.
He will have choices to make in his life, and like it is with you and I, he will make some mistakes along the way. But that is how we learn and grow.
So maybe turn this lemon into the lemonade of opportunity to keep the subject open and honest with him.
Hugs
Ann
I think you handled this very well. And I think your son is paying attention.
I would be very angry too, but anger's just going to eat you up if you don't move past it. Your son will be exposed to the offer of beer or drugs very soon, if he hasn't already been, and if your A hadn't done this eventually someone else might have, so having good open discussions with him right now (without beating him up with information) and keeping the discussion two way, may help him in the future.
He will have choices to make in his life, and like it is with you and I, he will make some mistakes along the way. But that is how we learn and grow.
So maybe turn this lemon into the lemonade of opportunity to keep the subject open and honest with him.
Hugs
Ann
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Whitney, TX
Posts: 10
Hi StandingStrong,
I am as appalled as you are. I have a 15 year old son also and I can tell you without question....if my AH provided our child with alcohol, child protective services would be called and my child would not be allowed to visit with his father without some other trustworthy person being there. I think you did the right thing by talking to your son and explaining the high risk of alcoholism. Again it just goes to show that at times alcoholics are just not thinking. Sorry for your stress.
I am as appalled as you are. I have a 15 year old son also and I can tell you without question....if my AH provided our child with alcohol, child protective services would be called and my child would not be allowed to visit with his father without some other trustworthy person being there. I think you did the right thing by talking to your son and explaining the high risk of alcoholism. Again it just goes to show that at times alcoholics are just not thinking. Sorry for your stress.
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inthelight: The law in the state I live in is that a parent is allowed to legally give alcohol to their child as long as the child is with the parents.
I haven't been able to find anything as far as the circumstances of that - such as if it will weigh any that they were out of state and in a public place. Still looking for info on that.
I also came home on my lunch break today and called the lawyer's office for the lawyer that I want. I want to know exactly what I need to do to keep my son's best interest uppermost and to start divorce (hopefully dissolution) proceedings. However, they can't get me in until November.
I also spoke with AH's sister today to tell her about my concerns about my son not having any parental guidance with his dad (her brother). She was outraged when she found out what happened. Her parents seem to be in denial and they basically have shut me out of their lives while saying they wish to stay out of it because it's between AH and I.
So that's where I stand now. I'm trying to do what's best...but it seems to be slow-moving.
I haven't been able to find anything as far as the circumstances of that - such as if it will weigh any that they were out of state and in a public place. Still looking for info on that.
I also came home on my lunch break today and called the lawyer's office for the lawyer that I want. I want to know exactly what I need to do to keep my son's best interest uppermost and to start divorce (hopefully dissolution) proceedings. However, they can't get me in until November.
I also spoke with AH's sister today to tell her about my concerns about my son not having any parental guidance with his dad (her brother). She was outraged when she found out what happened. Her parents seem to be in denial and they basically have shut me out of their lives while saying they wish to stay out of it because it's between AH and I.
So that's where I stand now. I'm trying to do what's best...but it seems to be slow-moving.
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