Blog: why this high functioning wino quit...
Blog: why this high functioning wino quit...
I didn't drink a lot. Some would argue that. But when I drank I became someone I didn't recognize anymore. The morning I decided to quit I felt guilty. I felt like I was living the cycle. I felt out of control. I had been trying to quit for five months. But there was always a reason to drink.
I don't know when or how my drinking became out of control. I know it was always something I could turn to in hard times. I could blame the challenges of motherhood. I could blame it on my profession. I could blame it on the emotional abuse I suffered as a child. Or even the narcissistic boss who tortured me for three years. But in the end, it was me who picked up that bottle. I did this to myself.
I was high functioning they say. I think that makes recovery even harder for me. Many people never knew I had a problem. No legal problems or even family problems....yet. I have a full time job, never missed work. I didn't get the shakes. Never drank in the morning. All these things make denial harder for me. But I know that it isn't the alcohol. It isn't the frequency or even the amount. It's the loss of self. That is why I choose sobriety today.
I don't know when or how my drinking became out of control. I know it was always something I could turn to in hard times. I could blame the challenges of motherhood. I could blame it on my profession. I could blame it on the emotional abuse I suffered as a child. Or even the narcissistic boss who tortured me for three years. But in the end, it was me who picked up that bottle. I did this to myself.
I was high functioning they say. I think that makes recovery even harder for me. Many people never knew I had a problem. No legal problems or even family problems....yet. I have a full time job, never missed work. I didn't get the shakes. Never drank in the morning. All these things make denial harder for me. But I know that it isn't the alcohol. It isn't the frequency or even the amount. It's the loss of self. That is why I choose sobriety today.
Thanks for this, secretchord (love Leonard Cohen, btw).
I can really relate to this--nothing forced me to stop drinking. I was "fine" and could continue to be "fine" if I kept going.
But I want more than "fine." I want more than nagging anxiety Monday through Thursday as I withdrew from my lost weekends. I want more than feeling myself slip from pleasantly buzzed to trying not to slur my words.
I need to keep reminding myself of this because lately I have a few thoughts of "oh, well, this 90 day experiment is going really well! But it is still just an experiment."
I can really relate to this--nothing forced me to stop drinking. I was "fine" and could continue to be "fine" if I kept going.
But I want more than "fine." I want more than nagging anxiety Monday through Thursday as I withdrew from my lost weekends. I want more than feeling myself slip from pleasantly buzzed to trying not to slur my words.
I need to keep reminding myself of this because lately I have a few thoughts of "oh, well, this 90 day experiment is going really well! But it is still just an experiment."
Even though others did not notice it, I noticed that drinking made me low functioning. In other words, inwardly I did not "get away with it" even though externally I "got away with it."
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Glenhaven WA
Posts: 8
I can relate to this. Most people who don't know me well, or first meet me always think I've got my **** together. Although my loved ones know what I'm up to. They know I don't come home for days at a time. They know I was unfaithful in my marriage. They know I would steel my sons adderall to function in the mornings. It's only gotten worse and worse. 5 years ago I was just like you, I didn't do all the things other alcoholics did so I thought I was "fine" even though I didn't feel "fine"
It's only gotten worse and worse and worse. Its made me an even better liar, I've learned how to sneak whatever I can to keep the loved ones blind. all untill the **** hits the fan... then I'm left to clean up the mess.
I've tried to quit many times, this time is different, it's sounds cliche, but I mean it.
our sober dates are so close! CONGRATS!
10-28-15
It's only gotten worse and worse and worse. Its made me an even better liar, I've learned how to sneak whatever I can to keep the loved ones blind. all untill the **** hits the fan... then I'm left to clean up the mess.
I've tried to quit many times, this time is different, it's sounds cliche, but I mean it.
our sober dates are so close! CONGRATS!
10-28-15
I also had never had any major problems with work, finances or legal while I was drinking. I did know I had a problem just like you did and I did finally quit
A little thing I realized after I quit in January of this year was I was not as high functioning as I always fooled myself into thinking I was. Quitting opened my eyes to just how much I was missing out on. Yes I never got arrested or has any major problems while drinking but it numbed my life into a sad state as if just going through the motions.
Yes I slipped up for a day two weeks ago but that I admit was a mistake and made me realize more than ever that was a path not ever worth taking.
I want to live life not just numb it into a cycle of motions.
A little thing I realized after I quit in January of this year was I was not as high functioning as I always fooled myself into thinking I was. Quitting opened my eyes to just how much I was missing out on. Yes I never got arrested or has any major problems while drinking but it numbed my life into a sad state as if just going through the motions.
Yes I slipped up for a day two weeks ago but that I admit was a mistake and made me realize more than ever that was a path not ever worth taking.
I want to live life not just numb it into a cycle of motions.
Very similar for me. I always thought I was a high-functioning person and that alcoholism was a "by the way" thing. I never drove drunk, never went to work hung over, never let my daughter see me drunk, never let friends see me drunk, etc.
Now that I've been sober well over a year, I find myself rethinking just how "high functioning" was I really? Not as much as I thought. I think now that it was another instance of the AV at work. I was isolating myself in order to hide my drinking. I couldn't give it up.
Now that I've been sober well over a year, I find myself rethinking just how "high functioning" was I really? Not as much as I thought. I think now that it was another instance of the AV at work. I was isolating myself in order to hide my drinking. I couldn't give it up.
Yep, ditto with Saskia and sva have observed. . .
I had many rationalizations of how my drinking wasn't a "problem" comparatively.
Sober, I find I am capable of (and enjoy) so much more than I was as a "highly functional" alcoholic
I had many rationalizations of how my drinking wasn't a "problem" comparatively.
Sober, I find I am capable of (and enjoy) so much more than I was as a "highly functional" alcoholic
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
Secretchord, please don't take this the wrong way. It's meant with great respect and compassion. When you first came here I didn't think you were going to make it. You seemed to fight the idea that you could have a problem with alcohol. Maybe it was because I saw a lot of you in me. I also went many years thinking my problem really wasn't that bad. Anyway, I'm really happy to see how far you've come and wish you all the best in your recovery journey. Keep up the great work!
Secretchord, please don't take this the wrong way. It's meant with great respect and compassion. When you first came here I didn't think you were going to make it. You seemed to fight the idea that you could have a problem with alcohol. Maybe it was because I saw a lot of you in me. I also went many years thinking my problem really wasn't that bad. Anyway, I'm really happy to see how far you've come and wish you all the best in your recovery journey. Keep up the great work!
I agree that you had me worried in the beginning - but you are doing really well and I'm so happy for you.
Believe me, you don't want to cross that invisible line into full-on all-day drinking. It just happens, you don't get a warning card ahead of time. You are very smart to have made the decision you made.
Believe me, you don't want to cross that invisible line into full-on all-day drinking. It just happens, you don't get a warning card ahead of time. You are very smart to have made the decision you made.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 397
Great post, I can relate to alot of this. My drinking was a bit more severe, but I never got into much legal trouble other than a few scrapes. I hid it well, or so I think. I probably really don't though, especially to the ole reliable store clerk. No one ever says anything, to me at least.
I don't have much else to add other than I plan on not drinking today.
I don't have much else to add other than I plan on not drinking today.
Similar story to me too... mine was emotional chaos and disaster it brought... emotional unfaithfulness and a near miss of total disaster which I am still recovering from.... but it's true. It feels alluring to drink, but the reality is loud, vulgar, dirty and has far reaching ripples of feelings and consequences into life. I want to make my own ripples... not let them be because of booze!
Keep on keeping on!!!!
Keep on keeping on!!!!
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