Hopefully back for good
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Ohio
Posts: 581
Hopefully back for good
Hi all,
I had one hell of a few months, and fell off the wagon. No excuses, and the drinking did not get to the level it was at before. I decided to reassess, and tried to look for the reasons I drank, and largely it seems to come down to a "life is crap, nothing is going well anyway, so why not?". Well, even to my own ears that does not sound like a legitimate reason to drink.
As I said, it has been a hellish few months, been in and out of the hospital with my son, and that is continuing, but me drinking does not solve that, in fact it means I am less there for him - and what if we need to get to the hospital AND I have been drinking? So, that is an excellent reason not to drink.
My son has also been suffering at his dad's house with abuse. He has been leaning on me significantly more, so I have been leaning on alcohol...how on Earth does that help me cope?! He needs me, and for me to be alert, for me to make sure the police and CPS are doing their jobs. For me to be able to help with homework as he is falling apart. So, yeah, dumb excuse number 2 blown out the water.
School was rough this semester. Barely made it through. Partly because of the other stuff going on. But, school is going to provide my son and I with our future, so it would be really dumb to drink instead of focus and lose this opportunity.
Mr. Fireman (yes, he is still about), has been supportive but also battling his own demons. So, I opened up to him about the issue this last week. He is supportive. His dad is an alcoholic and a mess, and he is frequently having to pick up pieces from this. My parents are both alcoholics. I hate this dependence. So, he is supporting my decision to not drink.
I feel lonely a lot. I think this is the crux of the problem. I do not feel I belong anywhere. Mr. Fireman says I am a sociable introvert - in other words, I like having people I know care nearby, but I prefer my own company a lot of the time. Thinking about this, I think having moved to the USA, and really being controlled and kept away from people by my ex, I just never developed a social support network. So when I built up the courage to leave ex, I was alone, and I turned to beer to be my friend. That is why I keep finding this hard, because beer, in some sick way, was there for me. But all it did was numb and the wounds stayed open, I never healed, so things still trigger me. I am working on this. I have reached out to people from class for coffee dates, I am volunteering at my son's school and looking into some hobbies for me.
Sorry this is so long, I want something to look back on when it gets tough.
Today is day 4 for me...
I had one hell of a few months, and fell off the wagon. No excuses, and the drinking did not get to the level it was at before. I decided to reassess, and tried to look for the reasons I drank, and largely it seems to come down to a "life is crap, nothing is going well anyway, so why not?". Well, even to my own ears that does not sound like a legitimate reason to drink.
As I said, it has been a hellish few months, been in and out of the hospital with my son, and that is continuing, but me drinking does not solve that, in fact it means I am less there for him - and what if we need to get to the hospital AND I have been drinking? So, that is an excellent reason not to drink.
My son has also been suffering at his dad's house with abuse. He has been leaning on me significantly more, so I have been leaning on alcohol...how on Earth does that help me cope?! He needs me, and for me to be alert, for me to make sure the police and CPS are doing their jobs. For me to be able to help with homework as he is falling apart. So, yeah, dumb excuse number 2 blown out the water.
School was rough this semester. Barely made it through. Partly because of the other stuff going on. But, school is going to provide my son and I with our future, so it would be really dumb to drink instead of focus and lose this opportunity.
Mr. Fireman (yes, he is still about), has been supportive but also battling his own demons. So, I opened up to him about the issue this last week. He is supportive. His dad is an alcoholic and a mess, and he is frequently having to pick up pieces from this. My parents are both alcoholics. I hate this dependence. So, he is supporting my decision to not drink.
I feel lonely a lot. I think this is the crux of the problem. I do not feel I belong anywhere. Mr. Fireman says I am a sociable introvert - in other words, I like having people I know care nearby, but I prefer my own company a lot of the time. Thinking about this, I think having moved to the USA, and really being controlled and kept away from people by my ex, I just never developed a social support network. So when I built up the courage to leave ex, I was alone, and I turned to beer to be my friend. That is why I keep finding this hard, because beer, in some sick way, was there for me. But all it did was numb and the wounds stayed open, I never healed, so things still trigger me. I am working on this. I have reached out to people from class for coffee dates, I am volunteering at my son's school and looking into some hobbies for me.
Sorry this is so long, I want something to look back on when it gets tough.
Today is day 4 for me...
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 1,972
Learningagain,
I am so sorry to hear about what you and your son are going through. It is good you are seeking to better your situation through learning new skills. However, as you and I both know, sobriety is key to getting through this rough patch for both you and your son. You know there is hope for a better future, but in the meantime you need to deal with the reality at hand.
I don't know what your custody situation is with your son. Are you joint? Are you gathering evidence of your ex's abuse you could use to win full custody?
I am so sorry to hear about what you and your son are going through. It is good you are seeking to better your situation through learning new skills. However, as you and I both know, sobriety is key to getting through this rough patch for both you and your son. You know there is hope for a better future, but in the meantime you need to deal with the reality at hand.
I don't know what your custody situation is with your son. Are you joint? Are you gathering evidence of your ex's abuse you could use to win full custody?
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
4 days is great learningagain. It sounds like you already know all the reasons to not drink. Just keep reminding yourself that drinking is not going to make your life better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Ohio
Posts: 581
GroundHog day, I am working on changing the custody arrangement. Fortunately my son is incredibly strong, and I have been extremely proud of him. He is strong enough to say he is unhappy, and dad has recognized the issues (to an extent). We were 50/50 joint, but son has been with me a lot more, and visitation is only happening when extra eyes are at dads. I think dad realized he was going to lose son altogether. This has been a trying time for me too, when son is there is when I am most vulnerable to picking up alcohol. So, I have made sure to find things to occupy myself.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Congratulations on day 4. When we drink things get progressively worse. When we quit things slowly but surely get better.
At the end of my drinking I had zero friends. All the people I loved I had pushed away because they screwed up my drinking.
I was guiltied into going to AA and I found a group of people that understood me, supprted me and cared about me. For the first time in my life I felt like I belonged.
Today I have more friends than I can count. People that I can count on and as importantly they can count on me.
It is great you have decided to stay sober and you may wish to seriously check out AA if you want to super charge your recovery
At the end of my drinking I had zero friends. All the people I loved I had pushed away because they screwed up my drinking.
I was guiltied into going to AA and I found a group of people that understood me, supprted me and cared about me. For the first time in my life I felt like I belonged.
Today I have more friends than I can count. People that I can count on and as importantly they can count on me.
It is great you have decided to stay sober and you may wish to seriously check out AA if you want to super charge your recovery
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Ohio
Posts: 581
Thank you everyone for the replies. I am feeling much better about quitting this time around, and I cannot put a finger on why. I am just fed up of feeling the need to self medicate with beer.
Also, I had begun to notice some health effects. I lost 15 lbs this semester, I think a lot was stress, but also I was never hungry, no breakfast, a small lunch and often just beer for dinner. Bowel movements have been horrible, headaches and stomach aches. I think my body was over the drink. So, I have bought myself a herbal tea selection pack, and enjoying trying different ones each evening, have been taking my multi-vitamin, B complex, fish oils and probiotic. Stomach is much happier already and I am not rushing to the bathroom 6-8 times a day!
I am getting my little condo in order - borrowed a carpet shampooer for the weekend, so been busy cleaning, still have to wrap the Christmas presents. Have written myself a long list of things to do, and working through it. Amazingly without spending all evening sat on the couch drinking beer, I am accomplishing a lot - strange that!
Also, I had begun to notice some health effects. I lost 15 lbs this semester, I think a lot was stress, but also I was never hungry, no breakfast, a small lunch and often just beer for dinner. Bowel movements have been horrible, headaches and stomach aches. I think my body was over the drink. So, I have bought myself a herbal tea selection pack, and enjoying trying different ones each evening, have been taking my multi-vitamin, B complex, fish oils and probiotic. Stomach is much happier already and I am not rushing to the bathroom 6-8 times a day!
I am getting my little condo in order - borrowed a carpet shampooer for the weekend, so been busy cleaning, still have to wrap the Christmas presents. Have written myself a long list of things to do, and working through it. Amazingly without spending all evening sat on the couch drinking beer, I am accomplishing a lot - strange that!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'm glad you're back, LA.
This can be it.
Did you know there is an "Adult Children of Alcoholics" section here in the forums? You may want to take a look at the stickies and other posts there.
We miss you in Weekenders, too.
This can be it.
Did you know there is an "Adult Children of Alcoholics" section here in the forums? You may want to take a look at the stickies and other posts there.
We miss you in Weekenders, too.
Adventurer
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Tuxedo Park, NY
Posts: 1,101
I am happy you have come back and are ready to get alcohol out of your life for good.
Do it for you and your son, there is no room for any distractions with all the other things your dealing with.
I found building models and puzzles helped when I was alone, I know my wife has an adult coloring book.. Sometimes we need escapes and booze is the wrong way to go.
Do it for you and your son, there is no room for any distractions with all the other things your dealing with.
I found building models and puzzles helped when I was alone, I know my wife has an adult coloring book.. Sometimes we need escapes and booze is the wrong way to go.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Ohio
Posts: 581
Thank you again everyone for being so kind! Today is a kind of funk day for me, I feel absolutely exhausted. Yesterday I was full or energy. All I want to do is sleep. Fortunately I have no plans set for today, so I am going to roll with it and relax and nap...maybe my body is just starting the healing process and I will listen to it for once in my life!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,859
Welcome back, learning again, and congratulations on four sober days.
Your body expends a great deal of energy while healing; take good care of yourself and get plenty of rest.
We are here for you.
Your body expends a great deal of energy while healing; take good care of yourself and get plenty of rest.
We are here for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Ohio
Posts: 581
Well my energy came back somewhat. Tackled the laundry mountain, cleaned out the fridge and ran to the pet store for dewormer (gross!) and cat food. One cat took the pill no problem, the other was a nightmare, and no pill consumed as of yet! She is hiding right now, so I am biding my time!
About to try getting the furniture back into the living room after I shampooed the carpets yesterday, and will possibly tackle wrapping some presents.
Sorry for posting a lot, it is helping distract me!
About to try getting the furniture back into the living room after I shampooed the carpets yesterday, and will possibly tackle wrapping some presents.
Sorry for posting a lot, it is helping distract me!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
I'm really happy to see you back with us, learningagain. 
Posting a lot really calmed me early on. Helped relieve the anxiety and kept my fingers busy. I hope kitty takes her pill. They should make that stuff in liquid form.
Posting a lot really calmed me early on. Helped relieve the anxiety and kept my fingers busy.
I hope kitty takes her pill. They should make that stuff in liquid form.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Ohio
Posts: 581
bimini - I attempted that, as I used to work for a vet, however this is my son's cat - I think she will have to wait till he is back, he calms her down a lot. She was a birthday present 2 years ago - he picked her out at the APL, their bond is unbelievable. She drags his stuffed animals around when he is not here, they sleep together, they follow each other around all day! Everyone is always amazed when they come over and see how tight boy and cat are!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Ohio
Posts: 581
Well made it to day 5. Today is my final day of clinical hours, and my instructor is coming in to evaluate me - I hope I have a good patient. I am doing my Master's to be a nurse practitioner in primary care, but actually work in a clinic within a mental health institute. So, we treat general health, but the population is all outpatient psych. Depending on who we get, and whether they are on their meds, it could be interesting! My instructor knows the population, so hopefully will understand it is not quite the same as your average suburban primary care dealing with sore throats!
Tonight, Mr. Fireman and I are hopefully going out. With school and the issues with my son we have not actually managed to see each other in person for over a month (also with his job and hours). I am really looking forward to it - he knows I am sober, so will be supportive - likely a coffee shop and look at the Christmas lights.
So, feeling good overall. Got lots I want to get done this next few days, hopefully the alcohol will stay away.
Tonight, Mr. Fireman and I are hopefully going out. With school and the issues with my son we have not actually managed to see each other in person for over a month (also with his job and hours). I am really looking forward to it - he knows I am sober, so will be supportive - likely a coffee shop and look at the Christmas lights.
So, feeling good overall. Got lots I want to get done this next few days, hopefully the alcohol will stay away.
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