louisedx

Help, help, help.
I wake up in the middle of the night can't sleep having dreams from reunited with my ex-finance and making up one more time after he has stolen from me. This time he took something so precious to me. He has promised to go to rehab many times. This time took the case. He took my car overnight and sad he got drunk but will be back the next day. Five days later I found out he changed his mind he said, about rehab and he was back with the girl he just left a week prior. He left me after hitting me with a closed fist a year ago. He has been with at least 3 women but keeps coming back to make love, go out, and get money that he maniulated me about. He kept telling me he was going to quit and I was the only one he really loved. I am taken by his body and the good sex we have been having except lately he hasn't been able to perform and he has gotten rough.
I decided to see him on the side as I met other men who treated me well and took me out. The last two months he has been around more and making statements about , I am still the man of this house. When he came around after he left again in Feb right after his birthday, his drug use progressed to heroine and he has been stealing from me. I hate how things have progress and my life in out of control a lot. Soo.... I said enough is enough and decided to file to charges for authorized use of my car. He found he home with the garage door open, came in and took my rings on the second floor while I was in the top bedroom.. He pawned the rings and bought the girl he's living with an engagement ring.
He keeps blaming me for my marrying him when he first got out of jail 3 years ago. I had my reason for not doing so, but never fell out of love with him. The abuse has gotten worst and he has totally disrepected me, my daughter, and my home. Yet, I feel so lost without hearing from him or seeing every now and then. What in the heck is wrong with me still wanting him after so much hurt. It seems since I have put the protective order in, and he avoided me at the hearing, I feel he never really loved me, just used me and asked to get an order against me and to leave him alone. He has always had the liberty to call and come by after being with other women. I try to talk to him, but he saids I am too controlling.
I really want to move on fast, but know it took 7 years to get here, it may take a few years to get back on my own two feet with the financial problems I have incurred with this relationship and the low esteem I need to work on. I am so depressed sometimes I screem at my daughter for nothing and I cry and now I am eating myself to more unhealthiness. I developed high blood pressure with all this events with this guy. Again, why do I still want him after so much damaged. I am battered and I feel so alone and afraid to break completely away. After all I seem to have a hard time finding someone else to spend time with me while I am going through. I hate alcoholics and drug addicts. Anyone showing the signs, I am very evil towards them. I guess, it good I can identify them quickly. Just hope not to fall for this crap again.
Any advise or similar situations welcomed.

splendra

LOuise-

Sorry you are having such a hard time. I am pretty worried about you. This guy sounds really dangerous to me. I wish I could encourage you to cut all ties with him befor he does something really really messed up. He already has done some pretty f^cked up stuff honey.

You need to get some self esteem and get as far away from that guy as you possibly can!!!! Your child does not need to be within 20 miles of that guy that goes for you too. I think you better be moving fast!!!!! Then you will have time to work on your feelings and issues. Are you listening to me??? Get away from him!!!!!

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Louise.

I would never presume to tell someone in a committed relationship that they should abandon their partner. But you have other partners, and he has other partners. You don't have to hate him, but this is a match made in hell. Not to mention you are subjecting your child to this chaos needlessly. Why do you want him? Probably because you can't have him. He has other women and he has heroin. He cannot be yours. If he pawned your rings the only way you will get them back is to press charges. Love has nothing to do with it.

Hugs,
Smoke

louisedx

SMoke,
Thank you for your reply. I can't afford to move. Since I have had the protective order, I have not heard from him and he has not been by. When I saw him at the court hearing for the protective order, he avoid me like I was the plege. Hurt I was seeing the wedding band on his finger. I know he is mad at me for saying no and taking a stand. He has helped around the house and has made me happy. It just was not consistent enough and I only sent him packing the first time because of his usage. I know not if I had married when we first starting living together, I would be in a financial fix I would have a hard time getting out of without possible paying support payments. Glad I didn't. I am confident, in time I will get over him for good in a healthy way. Just right now, I miss what I have come accustomed to. So I hope I can find someone who is just as appealing, but committed to me. I have settled down to one man I spend physical company with and meet others. Getting feedback from others help me to sort things out, especially when I am alone in my own company dealing with the series of events over time.
AGain thanks,
Lady Louise

JT

louise,

Where is it written that we have to have a man in our lives to be complete? It sounds like you are supporting yourself and your daughter financially but that is only part of the package. Supporting yourself and your daughter emotionally is far more satisfying than waiting for any man to make you whole. Your daughter is watching you...

Hugs,
JT

myles1

Hi,

His problems aside, sounds like you need some counseliing for yourself in order to get out of that situation and stay out of it.
Sometimes we're more screwed up than the addicts themselves and we have to change before the situation will.

This sounds like a relationship from hell and it's not fair to your child.

Anyway you can see a counsellor and get to some Alanon meetings?

Ngaire

redrose0729

Myles is right you need to take some time just for you . It seems like you have wraped yourself into him and other men that you have forgotten who you are and you need to take some time to get to know yourself and learn to love themself. If there are things that you have done that you feel bad about you need to forgive yourself. Focus on you and figure out what you want in life and focus on that. If you spend time focusing on you you will find you will not have time to focus on him. If you don't then the odds of you getting into another unhealthy relationship are pretty strong. Its kinda like they have a radar for you. I was spending a ladies night out the other week and a man came up and bought me and my friend a drink in five minutes he had picked me apart and knew me he told me something that I will always be greatful for before he walked away and that was "you need to get your act together". In just five minutes I got a real view on him he was smart and a go getter, but he had his act together and he did not have to have a relationship to feel complete he liked himself enough and had peace with solitude . He was so focused on hisself that he has no time in his life for an unhealthy relationship and he could zone in on my insecurities that he was not interested in me . Now let a looser be in the bar he could have read me in five minutes also and he would have wanted to be with me because I felt like home . "Here is a person like me this feels comfortable ." The jist of this is in order to have a healthy relationship you must turn your attention to yourself and fix you and then and only then will you attract healthy relationships..

louisedx

Myles 1,
Hi ya. Thank you for responding. But it ist his kind of stinking thinking that keeps others stuff and left feeling like the victim all over again. We are in a society built upon abuse of alcohol and drugs. Men have abused women for since the beginning of time. I see a counselor, sought christian counseling and attend both Alanon and Battered Womens Support Group. I am a very independent and thriving women who is tired of doing it all herself. It is not my fault that men in general get away with murder all the time. The court systems supports the criminals because many of them are criminals. Most of the time men who are narcistic need to go to counseling and get over not being raised by their healthy moms and dads. I stayed by myself for 7 years before I started dating and I was a very happy women, but still longed for the compnay of a man and sex was one of those things. The man I waited so long to give myself to again, just happened to be a hunck, a great lover who knew how to charm a woman. Better than most men who are married. There are many women in relationships and they are miserable, getting beat up, and just simply settling to be one of his cancubines (SP) You see, this too started at the beginning of time when Soloman considered the most blessed man on earth had over 600 wives and 800 caucubines. So were all 1400 women stupid and need counseling. He had it all, yet he desroyed the esteem of so many women. This has not stop happening. yet, the women are required to get counseling and get their act together. It is the men who need to be held accountable and to stop taking advantange of women. So I guess the child is is malestested and stays with her father of incest, needs counseling over lthe man who did such a depictable thing. I don't blame you for telling me I need cousneling, I am getting it, but you reply blamed me for my circumstance. I deserve to be loved and attended to. It is not my fault, nor should I hav to wait til I am 60 years old to find and feel love of some kind or sex. Men do a great job a lying, cheating and nstealing. I don't know very many men who don't use some substance to get through like and lean on some woman for refuge, leave and get another.
Thanks for the advise, but walk a mile in my shoes before be judgemental, because I was very hurt by your comments. I am getting stronger through talking to others who have been abused and understand that once you live with someone on drugs and alcohol, you are affected. I didn't lie to my ex-finance, he lied to me. I did not want to add other men to my list, but he added other women. That is not fault. I am seeking healthier relationships, but the pool is very tanted. I have met married men in clubs, at the hardware store, and they generally make passes at me, knowing that they are married and don't plan to divorce. Men on drugs do the same thing. Afterall, Clinton didn't have a hard time saying no, no the Kennedy's. Oh well, I am getting long winded, but thank God and supportive friends, my self esteem is improving and I still long and want male company. Maybe not my lost love, but a male that is pleasing to my eyes who will treat me well. That is no guarantee no matter how long I wait. Many crazy people outside the insane hospital.
Best wishes.

louisedx

RedRose,
How are you? Just read you comments and some of the things I responded to on the prievious thread. I have been alone most of my life. Married for 6 months because the man lied and I couldn't see it. Many men have issues, never grew up, can't be responsible, and some mommies are responsible for raising these boys and misfits. Just because you go out and attract a nut, doesn't mean you always attract a nut. There are many nuts in this society, foreign and domestic. Men have not always respected women, let alone themselves. I am tired of women having to always take of the slack for their irresponsible and immature behavior. God didn't not make it okay for a man to get all the pu$__ ))) he could until he found a woman who would say not until marriage. Once you have sex with a person, you have really married them. The problem is, there was never a provision for divorce. NOw what comes with people having sex, well picking partners to date to do that with. Men go to bars, married, drunk, drug addicted, sex addicted and everything else. They transfer those spirits to others through association or sex. Look I burned the rice trying to respond to this.
Let me cut it short. I am almost fifty and I do not have the rest of my life to take time off. I did enough of that. I will continue to meet people, especially men who respect me and do things for me rather than take and use. The more I met, like a game, the better chance I will have a maybe finding the love of my life. It is not highly possible for most people. We usually put up with what we get. Either we die doing it or loose our foreverlasting minds. Many co-dependents I have met through groups stay with their abusers or addicted persons and learn to overlook and live through their insanity. I have chosen, chosen to let mine go for awhile mainly because I gave someone else a chance to say something good about me. It has been instrumental in getting me out of the cycle. I hope to still to my guns and continue to meet new exciting possible soul mates. I would have never been able to do this if I hadn't had the company of a man who found me attractive.
Thanks for your response and try to give positive understanding advice. Just recently a co-worker of my killed yourself because of her husbands infidelity. Don't know if alcohol was involved. I just know she felt so low that live was unbarable leaving several children without their mother. But no one thought much about what she was going through when her husband of many years left her. I wished I knew her more closesly, I would have given a positive encouraging word without blaming her for the situation or choices her husband made. Loneliness hurt worst than being abused.
Anyway, thanks for sharing. For the record, I love myself more so now that in the beginning because I am getting in touch with my true feelings and I am not beating myself up for taking a long chance on love. I still love the good times I had with this person and will probably long for him. But just because another nut find you or me attractive does not mean we are all messed up and we need to find ourselves. Most of these guys out here don't love themselves. Many them are jealous of women and their achievements. Does that still mean, we all have to wait and be along until we become perfect beings. That will never happen. Men need to be held accountable. I have cursed at least three men out lately for thinking they could have me because they asked or bought me dinner. That doesn't mean I am seeking bad relationships. Again , the ocean is full of salt, boys, not men. NOt my fault or to blame nor yours. So many of us settle or take on the responsibility for what men should be doing.

JT

Interesting...men are raised by mothers who baby them to the point that they don't think they should be held accountable and you want one? Why? Everyone does not settle. You settle. And never in this lifetime would I take on the responsibilty for what my husband should be doing. If that is what you believe and that is what you choose...go for it. But the people here were kindly offering their take on the issue that came here with.

redrose0729

Yes hun I agree men do need to be held accountable for wrongs. Every one needs to be held accountable for their wrongs. I have been hurt soo many times that at one point I was drinking so much that I was on the verge of becoming an alcoholic myself . One morning I stood in front of the mirror and it was like I could hear God saying to me " this is not the person I created you to be" and that sent alarms in my head and then what did it for me was getting arrested for DUI and that did it. I had some walking blackouts and was told that was the begining signs of alcoholism. During those times I realized something that I had let all the past hurts in my life change me into something I no longer liked or could respect, basically I had turned into something I wasn't and I did not like it. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to go out and meet new people and your need for companionship is very normal . Everyone wants someone to share their lives with. It does sound like to me that you have been hurt alot and I am sorry that you have . I just hope for your sake you will not do what I did and let it change the real you. To the right man you will be a special jewel and I hope you do not settle for anything less. We all deserve to be treated special. I am glad you are getting in touch with your true feeling and begining to love yourself again that is very important . I was so wraped up in my bf's addiction that I did not take time out for me and focus on me and in turn he couldn't respect me. I had some time with him away to do some real soul searching and I have now learned to put the focus on me and he is responding to it in a very positive way. I figured I would fix my flaws (believe me I have some) and let the rest fall into place where God had intended it to be. I have always been told that when one person in a relationship tries to improve their lives one of two things will happen either they will grow together or fall apart , for the most part things are comming together but I still am not sure if I will continue this relationship or not that is something only time will tell. In the mean time I am going to focus on me , my dreams , and what God has in store for my life and trust that everything will work out for the best. But with God's help I will never loose focus on the most important people in my life and that is me and my 2 girls. I am also glad to see you are reaching out for help that was the biggest step you could make in making your life a happier one. I wish you much luck and am sending my prayers to you. Keep safe and happy.
Rose

louisedx

Hi RedRose,
Thank you for the heart warming response. I understand how one can get so caught into a loved ones addiction they loose themselves. While the 12 steps are helpful in getting a handle, and support groups are helpful, it is often time the time away from all the interventions that prove to be most challenging. I am glad this medium of sharing is available and believe it is making me stronger and giving me an outlet to figure things out for myself at ricidiculous hours when people are sleeping.
I do hope and pray that we women will stop taking on more than the share of making relationships work and force men to be more accountable. Many women, children, and some men suffer from low-esteem over time when they deal with in anyway millions of men who deal with their problems through substance abuse and violence. Men, Men, Men do this and cause problems for their loved ones. Many men do not go to counseling, abuse seminars, attend anger management classes because they blame their victims for their problems. When the situation leads a woman, or loved one to drinking, anxiety, and other serious concerns, then its the victims fault and they not the addicted need to get themselves together. True they will have to because the situation will warrant or they will abuse substance and become a misfit to their loved ones as well.
All, I am saying is we women buy into too much of taking on the responsibility for change while too many men just keep doing what they are doing to include sex addiction issues.
Again, thanks for your response and I will stay encouraged and seek God's face as a result of this intervention. Great things are happening and others prayers are beinging answered. I will not give up on myself and will continue to care and love my ex as I struggle with his condition. Afterall, there was something good about him that compelled me to invest all the time I did. I need to detach so I can care for myself and my child as I intermingle with positive people.
Bye now.,
LAdy L

redrose0729

Glad to hear you are doing better. For me I am doing pretty good. Keep on working on loving yourself. You sound like a strong minded lady. I would like to share with you one thing I try when anyone male of female wrongs me and that is I pray for them not an ugly prayer like " God get them and make them pay for hurting me " but like " God please help them to be a better person and help them to become closer to you.". Then I give the hurt over to God. I read in the Bible that when you pray like that for someone God hears you and anwers you he leans on the heart of the person that you prayed for and if that person runs from his will then it is said that God pours hot coals on their heads meaning he allows all the consequences of their actions to come out and they find theirselves suffering this is done not to punish them because it is the consequences of their own actions but to try to humble them so they might turn their lives over to him and in a more positive direction. I have seen that to be true. I have been hurt by alot of men and I turn it over to God and alot of the time they wind up telling me that they regret doing me wrong. I try not to laugh but inside I do get some satisfaction knowing that they did have to answer to God for their actions. Plus in the end I have nothing or very little to feel guilty about. I can't make someone live their life in a right way but I can try to live my life as best as I can and try to do what is right in Gods eyes and my own heart. Realizing this has helped me not to be so angry or at least not angry for a very long time at someone's wrongs . I don't have to be around them but I don't have to live my life in anger. I have found that it eats me up and causes me to loose focus on what really is important in my life and that is God , me, and my kids. My former sister in law has always said life is about choices and you have to live with the choices you make weather good or bad and I find that if I do what I know to be right then life goes a whole lot easier. Not to say life will not have its ups and downs and not to say we wont have tribulations because we will but through God he gives us the strength to carry us through those hard times it is just up to us to give our troubles over to him. The times when hard times come along and I pray to God and tell him that " this problem is to big for me that I need him to handle it for me " he always does. Just food for thought I hope it can help you with your daily walk.
Rose