I need some wisdom
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: California
Posts: 11
I need some wisdom
My AW has been drinking most of our 14 year marriage. It was intermittent early on but has progressed. It would hurt so much when she would drink because she would unleash on me. Verbally, she tell how inadequate I was as a husband to her.
About 8 years of that was enough and I turned to porn and had even gone so far as to seek out relationships with other people. I was done with our relationship but just couldn't do it. I never did anything beyond messaging and porn but it was destroying me and our relationship.
Thankfully, I was discovered. It was very painful but I needed to have the light on all that I was doing in secret. I confessed it all to my wife. I stopped everything and began my 12 step journey without even knowing that was what I was doing. Now that I look at AA, it is what I did. I admitted I was powerless and away I went. I went to my HP and apologized to my AW like crazy. I changed, for the better in the time afterwards.
We went to counseling. We were doing great except when she drank. The counselor targeted her drinking right away as a major problem. It git better for about a month and then slowly it came back. Eventually she started drinking daily. I was so scared to come home everyday. I really had a hard time because I knew that I had hurt her with my actions. She used that to slip further into her alcohol and further away from the person she had been.
Our counselor suggested I read codependent no more. My goodness, I was so jacked up, lol. I started working on that. It was hard, I didn't want to be controlling but it seemed that I had to because she was so out of control. I finally told my counselor that I was thinking about forcing her to go to rehab. I had begged her to do something but no amount of the right words or actions could convince her. I told her, rehab or divorce. She chose rehab thankfully.
It went fairly well. She was saying all the right stuff the first week. The second week, I saw the credit card bill. She had been shopping like crazy. She is a stay at home mom. Her normal routine was to wake up, not feel good, go shopping. Feel good from the shopping for a bit then realize she was buying stuff we couldn't afford and feel bad. That is when the vodka bottle would open. We would fight or not depending on how well my bomb dismantling skills were that night. I would go to bed exhausted, hurt and reminded that it was all my fault for what I had done with the porn and seeking others. She would wake up and do it all again the next day. So I was freaked out when I saw the shopping. I knew that it was all still there.
She has been home from rehab for 14 days and she drank yesterday. She lied about it. I think she drank a time or two previously but I chose not to breathalyzer her. Last night I chose to find out for sure. She was drunk. I was so upset. We had been fighting. She was mad about what I had done 5 years ago still. I understand her pain and understand my roll in it. There are so many other people that have caused her pain but I am the one that did it last.
I told her I needed to clear my head and finally convinced her to give me 20 minutes to myself. I prayed and calmed down. I chose to go and hug her and tell her that I love her but since she chose to drink I would not engage with her until she was sober.
It is very early morning and I can't sleep. I have to work today, which I am thankful for the time away from the conflict. I need wisdom for when I get home. I knew that a relapse was possible and even likely but did not expect it so soon. Our next counseling appointment not for 2 weeks.
I love her, we have built a nice life together minus the drinking. We have a 13 year old together.
I pray that I have the wisdom to navigate this for me and my kid.
About 8 years of that was enough and I turned to porn and had even gone so far as to seek out relationships with other people. I was done with our relationship but just couldn't do it. I never did anything beyond messaging and porn but it was destroying me and our relationship.
Thankfully, I was discovered. It was very painful but I needed to have the light on all that I was doing in secret. I confessed it all to my wife. I stopped everything and began my 12 step journey without even knowing that was what I was doing. Now that I look at AA, it is what I did. I admitted I was powerless and away I went. I went to my HP and apologized to my AW like crazy. I changed, for the better in the time afterwards.
We went to counseling. We were doing great except when she drank. The counselor targeted her drinking right away as a major problem. It git better for about a month and then slowly it came back. Eventually she started drinking daily. I was so scared to come home everyday. I really had a hard time because I knew that I had hurt her with my actions. She used that to slip further into her alcohol and further away from the person she had been.
Our counselor suggested I read codependent no more. My goodness, I was so jacked up, lol. I started working on that. It was hard, I didn't want to be controlling but it seemed that I had to because she was so out of control. I finally told my counselor that I was thinking about forcing her to go to rehab. I had begged her to do something but no amount of the right words or actions could convince her. I told her, rehab or divorce. She chose rehab thankfully.
It went fairly well. She was saying all the right stuff the first week. The second week, I saw the credit card bill. She had been shopping like crazy. She is a stay at home mom. Her normal routine was to wake up, not feel good, go shopping. Feel good from the shopping for a bit then realize she was buying stuff we couldn't afford and feel bad. That is when the vodka bottle would open. We would fight or not depending on how well my bomb dismantling skills were that night. I would go to bed exhausted, hurt and reminded that it was all my fault for what I had done with the porn and seeking others. She would wake up and do it all again the next day. So I was freaked out when I saw the shopping. I knew that it was all still there.
She has been home from rehab for 14 days and she drank yesterday. She lied about it. I think she drank a time or two previously but I chose not to breathalyzer her. Last night I chose to find out for sure. She was drunk. I was so upset. We had been fighting. She was mad about what I had done 5 years ago still. I understand her pain and understand my roll in it. There are so many other people that have caused her pain but I am the one that did it last.
I told her I needed to clear my head and finally convinced her to give me 20 minutes to myself. I prayed and calmed down. I chose to go and hug her and tell her that I love her but since she chose to drink I would not engage with her until she was sober.
It is very early morning and I can't sleep. I have to work today, which I am thankful for the time away from the conflict. I need wisdom for when I get home. I knew that a relapse was possible and even likely but did not expect it so soon. Our next counseling appointment not for 2 weeks.
I love her, we have built a nice life together minus the drinking. We have a 13 year old together.
I pray that I have the wisdom to navigate this for me and my kid.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, Scott,
It sounds as if you've dealt with what your problems were in terms of the porn/virtual infidelity--that's good. Your wife's problems are hers to deal with. What you did isn't the CAUSE of her drinking. She drinks because she's an alcoholic. She was drinking when you did those things, and now it's her excuse for doing it.
Just as you didn't cause her drinking, you can't control or cure it. You might have the illusion that you can, because after you do something it seems to "improve" for a while. But the fact is that what control she has is steadily slipping away.
I've been sober for seven years. At the end of my drinking I was still able to "control" it for discrete periods of time but it never lasted and my obsession with alcohol became steadily worse. So make no mistake--her alcoholism IS continuing to progress, and it will continue to do that until she is ready to be DONE with it for good.
This has to be a terrible situation for your child. Al-Anon for you, and Alateen for your child, could be very helpful.
It sounds as if you've dealt with what your problems were in terms of the porn/virtual infidelity--that's good. Your wife's problems are hers to deal with. What you did isn't the CAUSE of her drinking. She drinks because she's an alcoholic. She was drinking when you did those things, and now it's her excuse for doing it.
Just as you didn't cause her drinking, you can't control or cure it. You might have the illusion that you can, because after you do something it seems to "improve" for a while. But the fact is that what control she has is steadily slipping away.
I've been sober for seven years. At the end of my drinking I was still able to "control" it for discrete periods of time but it never lasted and my obsession with alcohol became steadily worse. So make no mistake--her alcoholism IS continuing to progress, and it will continue to do that until she is ready to be DONE with it for good.
This has to be a terrible situation for your child. Al-Anon for you, and Alateen for your child, could be very helpful.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Scott-I do understand your pain and feelings. My ex was a master at using anything I had ever done to him (even things a decade ago) to justify his abuse, neglect and drinking. It's what they do to take the focus off their actions. I agree with Lexie-alanon and some support for your kiddo. Peace to you 
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