Do I drive him to rehab?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 89
Do I drive him to rehab?
Hi- Newbie here again. So, I've almost come to terms with my new label " wife of a meth addict". The past 2 weeks have been terrible but my H has finally agreed to inpatient treatment. Given the opportunity to go 4 days ago, he sd no because he wanted to spend Christmas with me and our kids. I disagreed and voiced it to him- in return I got a text saying " .......... U have made my life miserable and unbearable,..... I don't even want to be your friend,....... Move on, ...... I won't come back to you after I'm clean,..... I'm complete without you, ". Yesterday- he lets me know tht he set his day to leave. Keep in mind- I can barely look at him or talk to him after the awful text. Today- he asks me if I would go with him and drop him off. ??????? Something inside me wants to - but I just don't know what to do? Say my goodbye here at home, or take the 3 hour drive with him and say goodbye there???? Also, today I was told he was at a certain persons house. I asked if he had gone he sd no. I asked again- he sd no. I TOLD him he WAS there and he suddenly starts with " are you following me????" " who did you make follow me.". I laughed at this because I've been home all day 7 kids for a sleepover How and why would I be following him? Finally, he had to admit he was there because I told him the EXACT time that he was there. He got so mad that he yells " I can't believe my own wife would BETRAY me like this,". REALLY?????????????? I was in shock at that statement. So again I ask, drive him or not?????
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I suppose it depends on how forgiving you are S, especially if the certain person is a woman. Personally I wouldn't drive him because he's been insulting and hurtful and I don't reward that sort of behaviour. If he was just an addict, but was reasonably ok with me then I would drive him, because he was trying to do the right thing.
They never learn to bite their tongues and behave decently if they don't have concrete consequences for being nasty. You could say something like, 'you sent me an abusive text message the other day so I have no intention of spending 3 hours alone in a car with you. End of story.'
They never learn to bite their tongues and behave decently if they don't have concrete consequences for being nasty. You could say something like, 'you sent me an abusive text message the other day so I have no intention of spending 3 hours alone in a car with you. End of story.'
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree with FeelingGreat, his attitude and treatment of you is shameful and I would not ride 3 hours in a car with anyone who could not be respectful and grateful for the help. If driving is the only way for him to get there (no bus or train), then maybe someone else from his family could take him.
Also, he isn't there yet, he says he will go but will his actions follow his words. I see him blaming you for not driving him...I see him finding another excuse if you say you will...it's just the sad way this goes sometimes.
I pray he goes and finds recovery and I pray he can hang on to it when the program ends and real life begins.
Hugs out for you and your children. I'm sorry you all are going through this.
Also, he isn't there yet, he says he will go but will his actions follow his words. I see him blaming you for not driving him...I see him finding another excuse if you say you will...it's just the sad way this goes sometimes.
I pray he goes and finds recovery and I pray he can hang on to it when the program ends and real life begins.
Hugs out for you and your children. I'm sorry you all are going through this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
I used to drive my ex ABF to detox, finding out that he already knew they weren't taking him. After doing this too many times, I would never drive again. If they want drugs, they will do anything to get there. It should be the same for recovery. I never want to be in a car with an abusive person again. Don't struggle too much with this decision, he didn't care while he was belittling you. Hugs, Joie
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Sorry for your troubles--most of us here know what a rough place it is to be in your shoes! He is likely to try to make you feel bad no matter what you do. You just have to have your decision resolved in your mind. What do YOU want to do? He's likely using with the other person. He doesn't know anything but the drug, and meth is a nasty one, as you have seen.
And one more thing to think about: you get to choose what "label" you choose to go by--he does not define you. You are more than the wife of an addict. Try to focus on those things. Maybe that means you let him find a ride to treatment.
Take care and enjoy your kids as much as you can.
And one more thing to think about: you get to choose what "label" you choose to go by--he does not define you. You are more than the wife of an addict. Try to focus on those things. Maybe that means you let him find a ride to treatment.
Take care and enjoy your kids as much as you can.
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
There are 2 drugs that frighten me. Meth is #1 on that list. Meth addicts can and do become violent in a flip of a second. There is no way I would put myself in a position of being alone in a car with an active meth addict for the 3 hour ride there, and very possibly the 3 hour ride back also. Especially one who has treated me horrendously.
If you decide to do it, I would take a male friend/relative along for the ride.
But, I really think this will end up being more lip service than action on his part.
If you decide to do it, I would take a male friend/relative along for the ride.
But, I really think this will end up being more lip service than action on his part.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 379
I am now petrified of being alone with my meth (& other substances) addicted B after trying to drive him to court in June. He was straight out of the hospital where he had been for at least one week, so had not used in some time but was still psychotic. As the anti-psychotic meds were wearing off, his behavior was getting increasingly aggressive. When he and I were in the car, upon sight of a police car, he totally flipped out and was punching my dashboard. He scared the **** out of me. I luckily was able to separate myself from the situation as he asked to be let out to stop at a CVS. I was so scared to continue driving with him that I drove away.
Anyway, long story short, I will never put myself in that situation again as it was far too dangerous for me and for everyone else around us on the road. I will never drive him anywhere, even with additional passengers, unless I am absolutely certain he has been clean/sober for a very long time.
Anyway, long story short, I will never put myself in that situation again as it was far too dangerous for me and for everyone else around us on the road. I will never drive him anywhere, even with additional passengers, unless I am absolutely certain he has been clean/sober for a very long time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 89
[/QUOTE]Meth addicts can and do become violent in a flip of a second. There is no way I would put myself in a position of being alone in a car with an active meth addict for the 3 hour ride there, and very possibly the 3 hour ride back also. Especially one who has treated me horrendously.
If you decide to do it, I would take a male friend/relative along for the ride.
[/QUOTE]
This is so true of him. 6-7 months ago our dog was fighting with another dog- I was cooking, kids were outside playing. The fight woke him up ( from his 7 hour NAP) he got so mad that he walked in the yard a fired a pistol 2 feet away from the dog to scare it!!!!!!!!! I melted in my kitchen in shock!!!! So, yes, I know how violent they get. I'm glad you discussed this to remind me. THANK YOU!
If you decide to do it, I would take a male friend/relative along for the ride.
[/QUOTE]
This is so true of him. 6-7 months ago our dog was fighting with another dog- I was cooking, kids were outside playing. The fight woke him up ( from his 7 hour NAP) he got so mad that he walked in the yard a fired a pistol 2 feet away from the dog to scare it!!!!!!!!! I melted in my kitchen in shock!!!! So, yes, I know how violent they get. I'm glad you discussed this to remind me. THANK YOU!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
This is so true of him. 6-7 months ago our dog was fighting with another dog- I was cooking, kids were outside playing. The fight woke him up ( from his 7 hour NAP) he got so mad that he walked in the yard a fired a pistol 2 feet away from the dog to scare it!!!!!!!!! I melted in my kitchen in shock!!!! So, yes, I know how violent they get. I'm glad you discussed this to remind me. THANK YOU!
OK. Meth + firearms= this is WAY too dangerous for you to be dealing with on your own. Even if he goes to rehab (which I am pretty skeptical about), there is a whole lot going on here that has nothing to do with drug use. That kind of violence in NEVER acceptable, and being "under the influence" is not an excuse. I am scared for you and your children. I am scared for your dog.
Christmas, rehab and all the other stuff really pales in comparison to the danger your family is in from this man. My suggestion is to let him do what he is going to do (as long as it's not in your house around you and the kids). I would like to see you get some real-life support to yourself. Normally I would recommend you try to find an Alanon or Naranon meeting, but the #1 priority here is safety.
1-800-799-(SAFE)7233 is the number for the DV hotline. Please see what the laws are in your state regarding a protective order to get him out of your house and keep him away from you and the kids. Firing a gun in the presence of your children to stop a dogfight is pretty extreme. It must have been terrifying for them to experience that.
The abuse you are dealing with is especially dangerous due to the meth addiction in the mix. And it is abuse. I know I was hesitant to label what was happening to me as abuse. It didn't fit the Lifetime Original Movie stereotype of the woman walking around in sunglasses all the time to hide her black eyes. I also minimized and actually suppressed a lot of what was happening just because I was always in "survival mode." If he'll fire a gun near your children in order to scare a dog, he will literally do anything. I'm sure there's a lot more that you haven't spoken about here, and that's OK. I was completely filled with shame about what was happening in our home. I would have rather died than talk about some of it.
You and your children are the most important. Your husband is a grown man. He will find a way to survive on his own. My ex certainly managed just fine without me, for all that I was certain he would die without me there to take care of him.
OK. Meth + firearms= this is WAY too dangerous for you to be dealing with on your own. Even if he goes to rehab (which I am pretty skeptical about), there is a whole lot going on here that has nothing to do with drug use. That kind of violence in NEVER acceptable, and being "under the influence" is not an excuse. I am scared for you and your children. I am scared for your dog.
Christmas, rehab and all the other stuff really pales in comparison to the danger your family is in from this man. My suggestion is to let him do what he is going to do (as long as it's not in your house around you and the kids). I would like to see you get some real-life support to yourself. Normally I would recommend you try to find an Alanon or Naranon meeting, but the #1 priority here is safety.
1-800-799-(SAFE)7233 is the number for the DV hotline. Please see what the laws are in your state regarding a protective order to get him out of your house and keep him away from you and the kids. Firing a gun in the presence of your children to stop a dogfight is pretty extreme. It must have been terrifying for them to experience that.
The abuse you are dealing with is especially dangerous due to the meth addiction in the mix. And it is abuse. I know I was hesitant to label what was happening to me as abuse. It didn't fit the Lifetime Original Movie stereotype of the woman walking around in sunglasses all the time to hide her black eyes. I also minimized and actually suppressed a lot of what was happening just because I was always in "survival mode." If he'll fire a gun near your children in order to scare a dog, he will literally do anything. I'm sure there's a lot more that you haven't spoken about here, and that's OK. I was completely filled with shame about what was happening in our home. I would have rather died than talk about some of it.
You and your children are the most important. Your husband is a grown man. He will find a way to survive on his own. My ex certainly managed just fine without me, for all that I was certain he would die without me there to take care of him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
drive him to rehab? HELL NO. it's one thing to have an addict who is finally humble and willing to accept help.
Given the opportunity to go 4 days ago, he sd no because he wanted to spend Christmas with me and our kids. I disagreed and voiced it to him- in return I got a text saying " .......... U have made my life miserable and unbearable,..... I don't even want to be your friend,....... Move on, ...... I won't come back to you after I'm clean,..... I'm complete without you, ". Yesterday- he lets me know tht he set his day to leave.
^^^this is not that. this is a dangerous nasty man that you need out of your life.
Given the opportunity to go 4 days ago, he sd no because he wanted to spend Christmas with me and our kids. I disagreed and voiced it to him- in return I got a text saying " .......... U have made my life miserable and unbearable,..... I don't even want to be your friend,....... Move on, ...... I won't come back to you after I'm clean,..... I'm complete without you, ". Yesterday- he lets me know tht he set his day to leave.
^^^this is not that. this is a dangerous nasty man that you need out of your life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
I'm pro gun rights but the first thing I would want is his handgun removed from his possession if it hasn't already been.
Second, that I went no contact with him - for my safety and that of my children.
You cannot change him or his choices, however - you can change your life decisions.
Guilt has no room here - he did this to himself. And he will continue.
I think the consensus in this thread, is that going for treatment remains to be seen.
Could be the usual promises, promises, promises.
Second, that I went no contact with him - for my safety and that of my children.
You cannot change him or his choices, however - you can change your life decisions.
Guilt has no room here - he did this to himself. And he will continue.
I think the consensus in this thread, is that going for treatment remains to be seen.
Could be the usual promises, promises, promises.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 89
Thank you all so much. I have decided not to take him- just havent told him yet. Today was another trying day for me with him. Would like to talk about it but i feel like ive been posting to much and i'm afraid i may " wear out my welcome" lol. Again- thank you all so much!!! Yall are definetly helping me!!!!
that is why we are HERE!
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