Being Enough
Being Enough
For my entire life, until recently I always felt that I was never enough. I remember hearing someone share in a meeting one day about how she, too, never felt like she was enough. It took me 3 years of program, an awesome sponsor, a lot of prayer and spiritual growth for me to realize that I am enough. That I am a child of God (a Higher Power) and that I am OK right where I'm at. I don't need to be anything more than what I am at this very moment, but I will always be changing and always be growing because that is part of the human experience. Growth, change, stagnation, more growth, pain, joy, setbacks and tribulations.
Last night, I texted my new boyfriend and asked him if he needed me to bring anything over when I go there tonight after work. He said, "Not that I know of. You are enough."
He has no idea what those words actually meant to me. To hear someone actually say I was enough, that my presence was all they needed. What a concept!
With my XAH, I squeezed everything out of myself to pour into him, to fill that empty hole inside of him, to meet his demands, appease him, twisted myself into a pretzel emotionally to avoid more pain or abuse or resentments or misdirected anger. I manipulated situations so that I could avoid more pain and I'd constantly try to predict what would set him off and then I'd try to fix everything in our lives so that he wouldn't get upset and punish the family with his gas lighting, passive aggressive attitudes and behaviors, the silent treatment(he was an expert at this one). I gave until I had nothing left to give and I, myself, became an empty shell of a woman who hated her life and wanted it all to just be OVER, and I was still left with a husband who wanted more from me. I can take ownership of that today because I chose to stay. I was in denial. I own that. I had choices, I just didn't see them while I was in the middle of it all. Today I have awareness and I can see my part and I can learn from what happened. I am grateful for the lessons I learned and I am so happy that I can bring it all in to a new relationship that is so much healthier than where I was before.
So, I'm here to tell you today: YOU ARE ENOUGH. Don't believe lies that other people tell you or those that you tell yourself. You deserve joy, peace, serenity, and happiness. There will be trials and hurdles in life, but they don't have to define your worth. Hugs! Have a great weekend everyone!!!
Last night, I texted my new boyfriend and asked him if he needed me to bring anything over when I go there tonight after work. He said, "Not that I know of. You are enough."
He has no idea what those words actually meant to me. To hear someone actually say I was enough, that my presence was all they needed. What a concept!
With my XAH, I squeezed everything out of myself to pour into him, to fill that empty hole inside of him, to meet his demands, appease him, twisted myself into a pretzel emotionally to avoid more pain or abuse or resentments or misdirected anger. I manipulated situations so that I could avoid more pain and I'd constantly try to predict what would set him off and then I'd try to fix everything in our lives so that he wouldn't get upset and punish the family with his gas lighting, passive aggressive attitudes and behaviors, the silent treatment(he was an expert at this one). I gave until I had nothing left to give and I, myself, became an empty shell of a woman who hated her life and wanted it all to just be OVER, and I was still left with a husband who wanted more from me. I can take ownership of that today because I chose to stay. I was in denial. I own that. I had choices, I just didn't see them while I was in the middle of it all. Today I have awareness and I can see my part and I can learn from what happened. I am grateful for the lessons I learned and I am so happy that I can bring it all in to a new relationship that is so much healthier than where I was before.
So, I'm here to tell you today: YOU ARE ENOUGH. Don't believe lies that other people tell you or those that you tell yourself. You deserve joy, peace, serenity, and happiness. There will be trials and hurdles in life, but they don't have to define your worth. Hugs! Have a great weekend everyone!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: New England
Posts: 68
Thank you Liz. Good message for me today - AH (RAH?) is coming home tonight after 5 weeks in rehab. And I'm focusing a bit too much on making it perfect....which is my hangup. I'm sure he'll be happy as a clam to sleep in our bed even if the sheets don't get washed today.
I could have written this post. I too, have been made to feel as though I am not enough, what an awful feeling when you're pouring every fiber of your being into someone just for them to still twist, squeeze and wring you like a wet rag to get another drop out of you. What's ironic is that I was always confident and outgoing, those things were taken from me and I became an emotionally abused, empty shell with no self esteem and identity. That's not spousal love, nor is it self love.
I'm so grateful so have found my way back to myself and I 'm still picking up more pieces of myself along the way every day.
Let's all promise to never let anyone or thing feed on us and make us feel less than what we KNOW we are. We are enough!
I'm so grateful so have found my way back to myself and I 'm still picking up more pieces of myself along the way every day.
Let's all promise to never let anyone or thing feed on us and make us feel less than what we KNOW we are. We are enough!
Fantastic share, Liz! Your growth the past couple of years has been nothing short of amazing! I'm so happy that things are going so well for you now. Life always has a way of handing us unpleasant surprises from time to time, but without having to deal with alcoholic behavior on a day-to-day basis, plus having the tools for coping with problems as they come up, gives us a chance to really SHINE.
Hugs!!
Hugs!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Liz-your words are beautiful. Yes-YOU are enough. I too echo your feelings during the marriage and the awakenings during and after. It is a beautiful thing !! Bless you for sharing. Peace to you today, friend!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I love this share, Liz. I never, ever felt like I was enough with STBXAH. There were times when I would get so frustrated I would declare I was doing the best I could, and he would just mock me for saying that. There was a lot of subtle gaslighting on this issue, too. He would say passive aggressive things that were CLEARLY meant as insults, but when I expressed outrage at the insult, I was the crazy and negative one for "interpreting" them that way.
I'm so happy for you, dear friend!
I'm so happy for you, dear friend!
I squeezed everything out of myself to pour into him, to fill that empty hole inside of him, to meet his demands, appease him, twisted myself into a pretzel emotionally to avoid more pain or abuse or resentments or misdirected anger. I manipulated situations so that I could avoid more pain and I'd constantly try to predict what would set him off and then I'd try to fix everything in our lives so that he wouldn't get upset and punish the family with his gas lighting, passive aggressive attitudes and behaviors, the silent treatment(he was an expert at this one). I gave until I had nothing left to give and I, myself, became an empty shell of a woman who hated her life and wanted it all to just be OVER, and I was still left with a husband who wanted more from me. I can take ownership of that today because I chose to stay. I was in denial. I own that. I had choices, I just didn't see them while I was in the middle of it all.
Thank you for telling us that we are enough.
Thanx Lizatola for this.
I have been really struggling with this as of late.
I have been really struggling with this as of late.
For my entire life, until recently I always felt that I was never enough. I remember hearing someone share in a meeting one day about how she, too, never felt like she was enough. It took me 3 years of program, an awesome sponsor, a lot of prayer and spiritual growth for me to realize that I am enough. That I am a child of God (a Higher Power) and that I am OK right where I'm at. I don't need to be anything more than what I am at this very moment, but I will always be changing and always be growing because that is part of the human experience. Growth, change, stagnation, more growth, pain, joy, setbacks and tribulations.
Last night, I texted my new boyfriend and asked him if he needed me to bring anything over when I go there tonight after work. He said, "Not that I know of. You are enough."
He has no idea what those words actually meant to me. To hear someone actually say I was enough, that my presence was all they needed. What a concept!
With my XAH, I squeezed everything out of myself to pour into him, to fill that empty hole inside of him, to meet his demands, appease him, twisted myself into a pretzel emotionally to avoid more pain or abuse or resentments or misdirected anger. I manipulated situations so that I could avoid more pain and I'd constantly try to predict what would set him off and then I'd try to fix everything in our lives so that he wouldn't get upset and punish the family with his gas lighting, passive aggressive attitudes and behaviors, the silent treatment(he was an expert at this one). I gave until I had nothing left to give and I, myself, became an empty shell of a woman who hated her life and wanted it all to just be OVER, and I was still left with a husband who wanted more from me. I can take ownership of that today because I chose to stay. I was in denial. I own that. I had choices, I just didn't see them while I was in the middle of it all. Today I have awareness and I can see my part and I can learn from what happened. I am grateful for the lessons I learned and I am so happy that I can bring it all in to a new relationship that is so much healthier than where I was before.
So, I'm here to tell you today: YOU ARE ENOUGH. Don't believe lies that other people tell you or those that you tell yourself. You deserve joy, peace, serenity, and happiness. There will be trials and hurdles in life, but they don't have to define your worth. Hugs! Have a great weekend everyone!!!
Last night, I texted my new boyfriend and asked him if he needed me to bring anything over when I go there tonight after work. He said, "Not that I know of. You are enough."
He has no idea what those words actually meant to me. To hear someone actually say I was enough, that my presence was all they needed. What a concept!
With my XAH, I squeezed everything out of myself to pour into him, to fill that empty hole inside of him, to meet his demands, appease him, twisted myself into a pretzel emotionally to avoid more pain or abuse or resentments or misdirected anger. I manipulated situations so that I could avoid more pain and I'd constantly try to predict what would set him off and then I'd try to fix everything in our lives so that he wouldn't get upset and punish the family with his gas lighting, passive aggressive attitudes and behaviors, the silent treatment(he was an expert at this one). I gave until I had nothing left to give and I, myself, became an empty shell of a woman who hated her life and wanted it all to just be OVER, and I was still left with a husband who wanted more from me. I can take ownership of that today because I chose to stay. I was in denial. I own that. I had choices, I just didn't see them while I was in the middle of it all. Today I have awareness and I can see my part and I can learn from what happened. I am grateful for the lessons I learned and I am so happy that I can bring it all in to a new relationship that is so much healthier than where I was before.
So, I'm here to tell you today: YOU ARE ENOUGH. Don't believe lies that other people tell you or those that you tell yourself. You deserve joy, peace, serenity, and happiness. There will be trials and hurdles in life, but they don't have to define your worth. Hugs! Have a great weekend everyone!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Awesome post and beautifully expressed. I've been working so much with this exact subject. So much so, that this past weekend I took a jewerly workshop and made a beautiful silver ring and inside I engraved the words "I AM ENOUGH" and I wear it every day as a reminder that no matter what he tried to take away from me, "I am enough". I have value and worth. And so do you. We all do. What a great post and very inspirational. Thank you so much.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Liz, what an extraordinary path you've been, and what an awesome summit you've climbed to.
Many many congratulations! I am awed by where your work has brought you, and the health and peace you show to us.
ShootingStar1
Many many congratulations! I am awed by where your work has brought you, and the health and peace you show to us.
ShootingStar1
I will say one thing, though, about being in a new relationship: even if someone is healthy emotionally and doesn't have addiction issues, they can still drive you crazy sometimes, LOL! My boyfriend is nowhere's near perfect nor am I. We have often thanked each other for 'putting up with one another'. I'm a planner and organizer and I like to know where things are going and I like to have things set up weeks in advance. Him? NOPE. He's a fly by the seat of his pants and an "I'll just figure out my plans as the day unfolds" kind of guy. It drives me CRAZY. His house is a mess, at times, and he lives in his head and is very intellectual. I'm emotional, I'm verbally expressive, etc. He is not. You get the picture. There are times when I wonder how the heck we stay together.
But, here's the thing: I'll take the mismatch that we are any day over where I was living with my alcoholic XAH and all the co-morbid stuff that went along with it! I'll take minor miscommunications and clothes on the floor over dealing with insanity and gas lighting and manipulation any day.
Boyfriend and I have yet to say I love you yet to each other. I'm not sure why I have been OK with it, but I am. He's moved slowly and I'm grateful for it, even though I know I love him. He treats me with love and kindness, expresses gratitude for every little thing I do, communicates daily, laughs at me and with me and expects me to laugh at his quirky crap too. He is agreeable and doesn't get angry often. He is consistent with his attitudes and values and beliefs. He's boring. And, for today, I kinda like boring.....even though I still got a lot of codependent crap shuffling through my brains at times. I am finally adjusting to BORING. And, I think I like it!
Liz.....however the relationship looks today---it will morph into something different by 3yrs. from now.
Who knows in what ways and in what direction....?....that has yet to be written ...
I wouldn't try to define it, quantify it, label it.....or try to "lock it own" with the "I love y ou nails"........
You don't completely know him....nor, him you......
The conflicts will come soon enough.....they always do....
dandylion
Who knows in what ways and in what direction....?....that has yet to be written ...
I wouldn't try to define it, quantify it, label it.....or try to "lock it own" with the "I love y ou nails"........
You don't completely know him....nor, him you......
The conflicts will come soon enough.....they always do....
dandylion
Liz.....however the relationship looks today---it will morph into something different by 3yrs. from now.
Who knows in what ways and in what direction....?....that has yet to be written ...
I wouldn't try to define it, quantify it, label it.....or try to "lock it own" with the "I love y ou nails"........
You don't completely know him....nor, him you......
The conflicts will come soon enough.....they always do....
dandylion
Who knows in what ways and in what direction....?....that has yet to be written ...
I wouldn't try to define it, quantify it, label it.....or try to "lock it own" with the "I love y ou nails"........
You don't completely know him....nor, him you......
The conflicts will come soon enough.....they always do....
dandylion
We have had conflicts but he's always willing to see his part and to work with me. So far, he hasn't had any complaints about me, which I find humorous because I'm just as human as he is.
As for the future: well, he's building a new home that will be less than 2 miles away from my current home. We live 16 miles apart now so I think a lot more will be revealed when we live within a closer proximity to each other. He is currently storing his collectable paintings, wine, and other collectables at my home while his current home is on a lockbox for showings. His house should be done in late March/early April.
And, as a funny aside: his 7 year old called me mommy last weekend while at a family party (his sister's 50th birthday at his home). I told her, "No, sweetie. You have a mom and she's awesome, right. I'm not your mom." She replied, "But you will be!!" Ummm? yeah, not sure what to do with that one. Out of the mouths of babes, right? I still haven't told the bf what she said because I'm sure it didn't come from him as he's pretty tight lipped with his kids when it comes to us.
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