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Dealing w/ the grief of lost dreams (long)

Old 12-17-2015, 07:16 PM
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Dealing w/ the grief of lost dreams (long)

I've dealt with grief before in terms of death and being dumped. I have not dealt with the grief of lost dreams and it is very different than the first two situations. Background first: Based on advice I got on SR I stopped seeing abstinence as binary, all or nothing, but as a percentage. I joing SR at 0% abstinence and reached 40% abstinence (and lower amounts) aiming for 100% abstinence.

Then a couple of weeks ago things reversed direction completely back to 0%. Finally, my therapist pointed to the grief of lost dreams. In part due to my drinking (killed motivation, no missed days, etc.), partly due to the 2008 financial crisis and mostly due to things I don't understand I quit a while ago to build my own company (I've done this before), that didn't work out and now I can't find a job. So I've decided to emigrate in a few months if things don't pan out.

Then I started drinking nightly, and crying through most of it. I'm a guy from a culture where you are taught not to cry, so I can't do it sober. The pain from loss and shame is overwhelming.

I need to update my plan to deal with this grief without using alcohol. Anyone have any advice? Internet search was useless for my situation.

TIA,

KP
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Old 12-18-2015, 07:17 AM
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Hang on in there KeepPushing

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Old 12-18-2015, 07:27 AM
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The only thing I can suggest may sound a little cold. But everything you talked about is in the past. There's nothing you can do about it except accept that it happened. You can't change it. It happened. You can plan and prepare for the future, though. Concentrate on that.

Life isn't fair. Bad stuff happens to good people. Just because something bad happens to you doesn't mean you're a bad person. Believe in yourself. I know, easier said than done.
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Old 12-18-2015, 07:43 AM
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Another member has this as her signature line. "Look back but don't stare". (Thanks to KeyofC) I try to remember that when I start to feel shame or regret decisions of the past. Try to stay focused on possibilities that may arise in the future and how you can embrace them with a sober mind.
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Old 12-18-2015, 08:50 AM
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Hi keeppushing,

Were you really advised to try moderate drinking, in the hope that it might lead to abstinence? Not seen many people succeed with that approach on here, and doesn't appear to be working too well for you either from what you've written.

But that wasn't your question.

A failed business is very stressful, and I'm sorry to hear what happened, but drinking to deal with it is not the answer, as you know. And while I completely agree that men should feel able to cry, at the same time it isn't compulsory. I say that because it almost reads as if you're using your need to cry as an excuse to drink, since you can't cry sober.

I'm a bit surprised your therapist gave you that diagnosis about grief of lost dreams, and then didn't offer help with finding ways to deal with it that don't involve alcohol.

My own business is on rocky ground at the moment. Things might turn around, but I'm preparing for the worst. I was getting very, very stressed about it, leading to family tensions and a bout of depression for me. But I did have a moment of clarity after some therapy. I was seeing the possible collapse of my business as a sign that I'd failed. And that was a real turning point. Because I began to realise it wasn't so much the business itself but my pride that was at stake. And I began to ask myself what failure would really say about me.

The main lesson would be that I'm not really an entrepreneur. Never have been when I'm really honest with myself. I began to look at all the things I'd accomplished before I started it up. And I'd done lots of things I was proud of. This was just my equivalent of A Bridge Too Far.

The more I've been able to separate my pride out of the success or failure of the business, the more relaxed I feel about it. I've actually since found a plan B, that suits my personality much better. And has actually turned into my Plan A (watch my existing business take off now )

I don't know if any of this might apply for you, and how helpful it is. But it might help to really analyse what it is you're grieving. What was the dream, versus what was dented pride that it failed? Some of what you describe may be signs that you weren't as passionate about what you were doing as you might think now that you were. Are there other ways you could achieve the same, or similar dream? Do you have other dreams?

The main thing is not to let something that happened in the past weigh down your future. And most importantly right now, don't use it as an additional excuse to drink. Keep your focus on what you can achieve once you are sober.
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Old 12-18-2015, 09:02 AM
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For many years I attempted degrees of staying drunk. Finally, I committed to a multi front attack on my alcoholism which has gotten me into a second year thus far. Today, I am not good at any degrees of staying drunk = zero.

Job or no job, wife or no wife, house or no house - it all started with clarity of thought that only sobriety could give me. Today I won' t say that all my problems are solved, or that economically things a boon - but, in recovery I stand a greater chance of peace dealing with the reality of my circumstances and not some convoluted, booze infused anxiety ridden - fear driven daily existence = painful.

Emotion sobriety takes time - I had two choices; sit in the muck - or keep trying.

Glad you're here with us - welcome
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Old 12-18-2015, 09:03 AM
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I'm not sure I understand the grief of lost dreams. How do you lose a dream? And can a dream really be lost. Opportunities are lost, but dreams?

Sounds like you have a lot going on. Stress, grief, and don't forget the drinking. How about a dream of a sober life? Shoot for that and I think you can turn your dreams to reality.
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Old 12-18-2015, 09:06 AM
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I'm new here today. I went to my first AA meeting Sunday. I've had one glass of wine at a funeral (yesterday), which made me feel worse and I'm totally depressed. I relate to your post because my business has failed, I'm handing the keys back in january and am in the process of selling off equipment. I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm afraid of the future and so have been drinking more recently to block those feelings out. The reality is that my business has failed and drinking isn't going to change that. All it does is make me feel ill and actually makes it harder to deal with. I wish you luck, I'm holding on the the hope that this is a door closing and a new chapter about to start. My whole family are successful in business and my pride is wounded. Drinking a bottle of wine a night makes me forget, knocks me out so I can sleep but really, it's not dealing with the stress at all. I too am in a bad place but cry alone as my partner gets angry. It's a lonely place.
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Old 12-18-2015, 09:57 AM
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I'm not exactly sure how your lost your dreams either. You said you lost motivation, but you can find motivation again. If the company you started didn't work out, can you consider building another company? Dreams can always be dreams. You can make the most of your work experience and building a company in the past.
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Old 12-18-2015, 10:15 AM
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Hi there Keeppushing,

Welcome to SR! I understand completely about the grief of lost dreams. I lost all of my financial resources for my retirement due to hurricane Katrina and a partner who was not honest with me after being together for 20 years. I was losing myself in the grief and resentment of not being where I thought I should be at this stage in my life. The hopes and dreams that I envisioned are slowly fading as I get older, and I'm also not able to physically do things that I would like to do.

I've recently identified that the resentment I harbor is truly affecting my ability to have a happy healthy future. In the recent past I thought my life was just about over and I would just sit in my chair watch the mind-numbing TV and wait for life to pass by, but now after joining SR and doing research on letting go of resentment and other psychological issues I feel more optimistic about my future.

Read, read, read as much as you can and take notes. Try to identify your emotions and work on the negative to change to positive. You will feel better and get out of this slump!

Take care!
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Old 12-18-2015, 11:05 AM
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A dream can absolutely be lost. I get that. I was in a similar situation. I've had two incredible dream jobs that will never happen again: one because the company closed, the other, later, because I had become a drunk. Either way, those doors are both closed now and I couldn't get over my grief. For several years I was a complete mess.

But then I stopped drinking. And the first month was hell and I couldn't see any kind of future. The grief got worse because I couldn't hide from it.

But then I found out: I had those amazing dreams in the first place because that's who I am. I'm a dreamer, and someone who makes those dreams real. And so are you! You wouldn't be grieving right now if you didn't have that creativity and ambition. You lost because you made a leap. That's something to be proud of.

I'd become a drunk, so that side of me was just sedated and gone. I was clinging on to the same dreams, the last ones I'd had before I went under. When I lost those, I didn't have the capacity to make new ones.

But then quickly, when I got sober 5 months ago, I started to make them. And then I started to act on them, because it was just natural for me to do that. I stopped being a drunk and started being the person who'd gotten those dream jobs in the first place.

My plan right now is nothing at all like what it was 6 months ago, but I'm in love with it and it's really happening. I climbed through a window, through a crawl space, and started pushing open doors. Because when I'm not sedated, that's the kind of person I am.

Please stop drinking. You need your brain fully awake to find your next dream. You will cope with the grief for what you lost because you'll be building something new.
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Old 12-18-2015, 12:16 PM
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I recently spent a few days with people I worked with, people who are grossing almost $200K annually.
That would be me if I hadn’t lost my job. My world was turned upside down. I figured I had another 10 or so years of that… It was a life changing event for me. As I was ‘adjusting’ to my situation I constantly heard from people telling me that there are many opportunities for me to be in that same ‘position’ as soon as I wanted it. My qualifications and experience blah-blah-blah… Yes, but do I really want that again? Was my ‘quality of life’ really worth it… It has been two years since I last worked. I was fortunate to have had a cushion to get me through this time. My time (cushion) is running out. What do I do? I’m still unsure of my future as far as what I want to be when I grow up. Still deciding…………….
Let’s go back over a year…
While I was in rehab it was suggested to me to get a ‘book’ and read it. I did. It gave me a new perspective on living. Of course there were other influences “Full Catastrophe Living” was one.

I suggest you read this little book. It’s a Shambhala publication: The Sacred Path of the Warrior by Chogyam Trungpa. I offer no insight other than to read it. Then read it a second time hoping to grasp the concept. Just ‘reading through it’ once may be confusing. I found it very enlightening. It had a profound impact on me and how I was going about living. Take from it what you will.

I have always said I would rather be happy living in a trailer park than being miserable living in a mansion.
We make our own happiness. We cannot imagine it. We cannot dream it.
While I was drinking every day I was chasing dreams. Since I am sober, I chase reality.
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Old 12-18-2015, 12:19 PM
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i find it amazing to hear people who destroyed their lives and dreams drinking, then got sober, rebuilt their lives, have had those dreams rematerialize and even much better dreams come true.
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Old 12-18-2015, 07:50 PM
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Originally Posted by jd1639 View Post
The only thing I can suggest may sound a little cold. But everything you talked about is in the past. There's nothing you can do about it except accept that it happened. You can't change it. It happened. You can plan and prepare for the future, though. Concentrate on that.

Life isn't fair. Bad stuff happens to good people. Just because something bad happens to you doesn't mean you're a bad person. Believe in yourself. I know, easier said than done.
It isn't cold, and I think you're right. You can't very well say "Screw [deceased's name] I'll find a replacement friend/family member" but what you say makes sense. I CAN look to the adventure of the future.

Thanks.

KP
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Old 12-18-2015, 08:04 PM
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Originally Posted by OpenTuning View Post
Hi keeppushing,

Were you really advised to try moderate drinking, in the hope that it might lead to abstinence? Not seen many people succeed with that approach on here, and doesn't appear to be working too well for you either from what you've written.
Not at all, it was about how to look at success. My aim is 100% abstinence. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

I'm a bit surprised your therapist gave you that diagnosis about grief of lost dreams, and then didn't offer help with finding ways to deal with it that don't involve alcohol.
She has, but as with all therapy you have to try several before you find what works.

I don't know if any of this might apply for you, and how helpful it is. But it might help to really analyse what it is you're grieving.
I think you hit the nail right on the head. I'd also like to thank you for opening up about your own personal experience. It helped a lot in understanding myself.

Thanks a lot.

KP
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Old 12-18-2015, 08:10 PM
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Originally Posted by JustKaz View Post
I'm new here today. I went to my first AA meeting Sunday. I've had one glass of wine at a funeral (yesterday), which made me feel worse and I'm totally depressed. I relate to your post because my business has failed, I'm handing the keys back in january and am in the process of selling off equipment. I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm afraid of the future and so have been drinking more recently to block those feelings out. The reality is that my business has failed and drinking isn't going to change that. All it does is make me feel ill and actually makes it harder to deal with. I wish you luck, I'm holding on the the hope that this is a door closing and a new chapter about to start. My whole family are successful in business and my pride is wounded. Drinking a bottle of wine a night makes me forget, knocks me out so I can sleep but really, it's not dealing with the stress at all. I too am in a bad place but cry alone as my partner gets angry. It's a lonely place.
I hear you. Especially the lonely part. I think it's the shame, at least for me (thanks to OpenTuning for opening my eyes). Hang in there, I certainly plan to and I will become sober come hell or high water.

Thanks and best of luck,

KP
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Old 12-18-2015, 08:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
I'm not exactly sure how your lost your dreams either. You said you lost motivation, but you can find motivation again. If the company you started didn't work out, can you consider building another company? Dreams can always be dreams. You can make the most of your work experience and building a company in the past.
Hi Anna (and doggonecarl),

I lost my dreams because I lost my company and savings and from a country that is in a deep recession that is going deeper. Is my life over? No. Can I generate income in my country? No. Can I replicate this in another country? Emigrating is very difficult. That's how I lost my dreams.

But I would like to thank you for your unstinting encouragement, the outpour means a lot to me. And I promise you, sobriety is my number one goal in life. I promise myself that I will reach that goal and soon.

Thank you so much for your encouragement and support.

KP
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Old 12-18-2015, 08:22 PM
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Originally Posted by strongtoolong View Post
Hi there Keeppushing,

Welcome to SR! I understand completely about the grief of lost dreams. I lost all of my financial resources for my retirement due to hurricane Katrina and a partner who was not honest with me after being together for 20 years. I was losing myself in the grief and resentment of not being where I thought I should be at this stage in my life. The hopes and dreams that I envisioned are slowly fading as I get older, and I'm also not able to physically do things that I would like to do.

I've recently identified that the resentment I harbor is truly affecting my ability to have a happy healthy future. In the recent past I thought my life was just about over and I would just sit in my chair watch the mind-numbing TV and wait for life to pass by, but now after joining SR and doing research on letting go of resentment and other psychological issues I feel more optimistic about my future.

Read, read, read as much as you can and take notes. Try to identify your emotions and work on the negative to change to positive. You will feel better and get out of this slump!

Take care!
Thanks for that, I didn't think that I might be resenting life. What an intriguing thought. I can understand how that could hold me book. I'll definitely look into that.

KP
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Old 12-18-2015, 08:30 PM
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Fantail, LBrain, tomsteve: I've clogged up this thread already with individual replies, but I would also like to thank you profusely for your contributions (and I will read those books LBrain, thanks). This thread is one I will read daily for inspiration.

All of you, your support and encouragement is overwhelming, thank you so much!

KP
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Old 12-19-2015, 01:58 AM
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Originally Posted by keeppushing View Post
Not at all, it was about how to look at success. My aim is 100% abstinence. Sorry for the misunderstanding.
Hi Keeppushing,

I just wanted to apologise for the first parts of my post. I normally re-read what I've written before posting, but didn't this time, and it came across as harsh and judgmental, which I really regret.

I agree with you. I've seen so many people who've gone a lengthy time sober, slipped up, and then called themselves failures, and I've always argued they shouldn't. That all that time sober is a sign of success, and they just need to work on their plans to figure out why they slipped, not use that slip as an excuse to give up. Which is what you are saying. So yes, I did misunderstand what you'd written. Sorry about that.

Thinking about it, that actually ties in with the main point I was trying to make. Of course the loss of your business is exceptionally painful, and I'm not trying to minimise that, but I'm hoping you won't see it as a sign that you, keeppushing, are a failure. And I hope you won't let it kill your dreams. If you read the biographies of successful entrepreneurs, their past is littered with failed businesses. But their dreams remained intact and they somehow found a way to rise again, like the old Phoenix from the flames. And when you are firmly on the path to a sober life, the sky really will be the limit for what you can achieve.
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