gobletoffire19

Hi all

I posted a few months back questioning my drinking. I went to a few AA meetings but I knew I wasn't serious about it so I continued drinking. The past month I've blacked out every time I drank. On Sunday I got blackout drunk, said some embarrassing and mortifying things to my (straight male) friend (I am also a straight male) and now I know the friendship is tarnished and will never be the same. I was confronted a few days ago, was told how uncomfortable he was/is and since then I've been lower and than low and have started smoking again as well. I apologized, it was accepted, but it was reiterated a few more times how uncomfortable he felt. I immediately craved a drink and did something I've never done-started drinking during the afternoon. I didn't know how else to handle it. The depression and shame is too much.

I'm posting again because all I want to do right now is crack open a bottle of wine I have in my fridge and drink the whole damn bottle. I don't even know where to begin and where to go from here. Even if we become friends again I know it won't be the same. It will always be in the back of his mind. I value his friendship very much and have NO idea why I said the things that I said, I certainly did not mean them. (I won't get into the ugly details because I can't even remember it all but what I do remember is basically confessing my love to him. I know there's more and it was worse but I don't remember and don't even care to remember.)

I'm a mess. I don't know where to go from here; I feel everything is hopeless right now. Embarrassed doesn't even begin to cover it. I feel I may be beyond help right now.

biminiblue

You are no different from any other blackout drunks on this site. Read around the forums and you'll find we have all done embarrassing or mortifying things under the influence.

Stop drinking and all this behavior goes away.

All you can do is apologize and move on. If he accepts your apology, then you two can rebuild without the destructive action of alcohol. If he doesn't, well - you've done all you can do by apologizing and taking alcohol out of the equation.

I stopped doing all kinds of demoralizing things when I stopped drinking and now I like myself again.

Coldfusion

I'm glad you came back, Goblet.

I really think you should crack open that bottle of wine and pour it down the drain. It will give you a sense of empowerment, and save you from more serious consequences of drinking.

MIRecovery

When I got serious with AA I never drank again and that was 2337 days ago. As they say, "rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly our path."

48heath

Tip the wine out and get to a meeting.

doggonecarl

This may be the lowest you've been, but believe me, if you keep drinking there is plenty of room to get even lower. So get serious about quitting. Take this energy you are devoting to being mortified and turn it to recovery.

Good luck.

gobletoffire19

Thank you everyone. I don't have access to a car right now so I can't go to any of the lunchtime AA meetings today but being here and reading has been helping. Also typing all of this out has been helping me too. I am starting to have hope that after some time and sobriety my friend and I can push this away and go forward. I don't know how likely that is, but it's what I'm choosing to believe.

I am going to keep reading posts on here. I can relate to so much; it's making me feel less alone.

Anna

I really hope you use this experience to turn things around in your life. You can stop drinking and things like this will never happen again. Perhaps your friendship will be restored, perhaps not - it's one of the many things that is not in your control. What you can control is whether or not you choose to drink over this again. I truly understand your pain. Facing the messes we made in our lives without alcohol is so very hard, but it can be done, and in fact, it must be done in order for you to recover.

Soberwolf

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Opivotal

I sure understand feeling lower than low. Been there many times while black-out drunk.

If getting sober is a result of this incident , then one day you may be grateful it happened.

We all have a turning point, at least I did. I pray today is yours gobletoffire. You can turn your life around and stand proud again.

You're worth it!

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Goblet. As hard as it may seem, right now you need to focus completely on sobriety. The relationship with your friend may or may not recover, but you can't worry about that at this point. Your drinking is what cause the issue, and getting sober is the only thing that can fix it.

Do you think you want to continue with AA? It's certainly a plan that works fro a lot of people.

gobletoffire19

Thank you everyone.

I believe so. I'm not really sure what other plans there are. I have no sober person in my life right now, so I would really like some sober friends I can contact to hang out with when I'm craving a drink. I'm only 25 so drinking is very much a social part of my life and my friends group. Though, honestly, after sitting here thinking about it for the past few days, I realize my invitations to go out with certain friends have all but vanished. They know how I get.

I can't even begin to imagine how on earth I'm going to tell the people in my life, especially my parents, that I'm giving up drinking for good because I'm an alcoholic. They'll be supportive and happy, as they have seen some pretty horrific behavior from me while drunk, but it's going to be tough for me to say the words out loud. I never have.

JD

You don't need to tell your parents anything right now. Don't get caught up in those thoughts. Get some sober time under your belt. There will be time to tell them later.

INgal

Goblet, my son is 25 and in the same predicament. He has been sober since he got a DUI, which is likely down the road if you keep drinkin. He tells people he just doesn't drink because it causes too much trouble in his life. That's all, none of the gory details. He says people simply do not care. So, you CAN do this! Believe me, no one will judge you. Start living a good life without worry. Your friend may even come back around. And keep posting!

Hevyn

Goble, I know just how you feel. The thing is, you're confronting the problem and taking action. In my 20's I knew I didn't drink normally, but refused to do anything about it. My life was chaos by the time I quit, many years later.

I did out-of-character and reckless things while drinking. It's so hard to explain to the normies, but we really do become someone else at times. The real Hev is very refined - the drunk me is a whole other story - much to my embarrassment and humiliation! No sense dwelling on what happened and torturing yourself. The memory of that incident will fade into nothing at some point. You have a huge wake up call - that's the good news - and you are among friends who understand.

ScottFromWI

You don't have to tell anyone that you are an alcoholic, it's just a word. As long as you can accept your place in the world with alcohol ( that it cannot be a part of your life anymore ) that is what really matters.

jryan19982

We've all done things we shouldnt have while drinking.

Can you catch a cab/bus/bike to AA?

thomas11

HI goblet, many have already said what I would say. You have plenty of room to go lower, good to nip it in the bud. Also, time heals most everything, and this too shall pass. The best thing you can probably do right now is take action. They speak much louder than words. Lastly, you don't have tell anyone. This is your journey. Best wishes.

Fabat50

Hi there Gobletoffire. Sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. I have read and reread your posts a couple of times and there is something I would like to ask you. If I am oversteping the mark here just tell me to shut up OK?

You say that you professed your love for your friend and other stuff that you wish you could take back, and you describe yourself as a straight male. But I was wondering if deep in the recesses of your mind you may have some questions about your own sexuality. The only reason I say that is that I have done my fair share of spouting embarrasing things to people after my benders but sometimes in all the drunken mess there was often a grain of truth in what I was spouting. We have a saying here there are only 3 things which ever tell the truth : children, drunks, and tight trousers!

The only reason I mention this is because if it were the case it may be something that is feeding in to your alcoholism as an underlying issue.

The embarrassment will disappear in time. Stop beating yourself up about it. Focus on today and your future, and not something in the past that you can not do anything about.

Best of luck to you.

Dee74

Some great advice here gobletoffire

I agree that your priority now needs to be you getting sober, not whatever you said to your friend.

With a some sober time behind you, then you can widen the focus to look at the kind of life you want and the amends you need to make

D