On the fence

Old 12-17-2015, 07:44 AM
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On the fence

Hey everyone,
I haven't posted in about 6 months, but I read another thread about being on the fence and I can relate...he last time I posted I was going to move out and leave my AH. We ended up working things out and had a few great months, but now...my AH is still drinking...he got that DWI back in May. He hasn't had to go to court yet (lawyer has gone to represent him) but the time has come where he must face the judge. He still says someone drugged his drink so he does not take responsibility for his reckless actions. He doesn't know what is going to happen...could get jail time or probation (first DWI).
I am just tired all the time...I haven't been sleeping very well lately. This time of year should be joyful but I don't feel this way...I am tired of being on the fence. Should I stay or should I go? If I leave now I would feel some what guilty for leaving him right when he has to face his DWI...I guess in a way I am hoping that the judge makes him attend AA meetings, counseling...but he probably would just drink anyways....
when did you know it was time to go? Being on this fence is exhausting
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Old 12-17-2015, 08:13 AM
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I was on the fence right up until the moment I wasn't. I asked my XABF to leave my home even though I knew he did not have anywhere to go, or enough money to rent his own place. I decided he had survived somehow for many years without me taking care of him, and he could do it again if he had to.

Life is too short. If I kept waiting, he would never ever choose to take care of himself, to learn to be self-reliant, to seek out a better way of living. Which is not to say I did him a favor by kicking him out, but you know -- he found a place to stay for a couple of days before working out a more permanent situation.

When I realized that guilt was the only thing keeping me tied to this person, I knew I had to examine that for myself. I couldn't do that while I was more concerned with being responsible on his behalf than on my own.
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Old 12-17-2015, 08:16 AM
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HE got a DWI back in MAY....EIGHT months ago - that is plenty of time to FACE the issue.
HE is still DRINKING.
HE is not going to stop.

those are the FACTS.
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Old 12-17-2015, 08:20 AM
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"He still says someone drugged his drink so he does not take responsibility for his reckless actions."

This is really the crux of it, no? How long are you willing to wait for him to decide to take responsibility? That's not something that happens overnight, if it ever happens at all. You deserve a partner who is present, accountable, and wants the best for both of you.
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Old 12-17-2015, 08:49 AM
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Sad, you know my position on this, so I'll not repeat it again. Look back at your old threads where I posted.

I'll only add this. I keep seeing you post in other people's threads cautionary posts about how they "shouldn't be like you" and how bad your life has become.

Well, know what? YOU shouldn't "be like you" in terms of what you continue to tolerate. I know it's much easier to see the mistakes others make than to address the ones you are making, yourself--trust me on that one. I don't always follow my own advice. But seriously--you have been miserable for a long time. Your husband is an abusive drunk who has shown zero effort or interest in changing. The only one with the power to change your life is YOU.
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Old 12-17-2015, 09:14 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Sad, you know my position on this, so I'll not repeat it again. Look back at your old threads where I posted.

I'll only add this. I keep seeing you post in other people's threads cautionary posts about how they "shouldn't be like you" and how bad your life has become.

Well, know what? YOU shouldn't "be like you" in terms of what you continue to tolerate. I know it's much easier to see the mistakes others make than to address the ones you are making, yourself--trust me on that one. I don't always follow my own advice. But seriously--you have been miserable for a long time. Your husband is an abusive drunk who has shown zero effort or interest in changing. The only one with the power to change your life is YOU.
Thank you...you are right,..,I have been avoiding my own issues/problems while trying to help others by not making my mistakes...I just needed to hear it again..thank you...I guess deep down I still had some hope when he started to go to AA...went to a therapist (once)...but it doesn't last..thanks again...I needed the kick in the rear. The sad thing is that I I think I should wait until after Christmas...don't want to ruin the kids holiday....
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Old 12-17-2015, 09:29 AM
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The sad thing is that I think I should wait until after Christmas...don't want to ruin the kids holiday....
Sad, do you think there's a fair chance your A will ruin their holiday if you DON'T leave?? Might it not be better to give them the gift of a peaceful, loving Christmas MINUS the alcoholic madness?

I've been struggling w/trying to make an A take responsibility for himself and his crap also (see my "Briar Patch" thread) and I was getting nowhere. I simply wanted him to get his stuff out of MY house. He's had over a month to do so but keeps dawdling, dragging his feet, making excuses, etc. Finally, w/the help of the Get-Off-Yer-Ass Committee here at SR, I got that moment of clarity you hear about.

My pity and sympathy evaporated when I realized I was once again being played as a soft touch. He was doing the same passive-aggressive crap he'd done for years. I realized it was going to be way easier for me to just move his crap out of the house and into my brother's pole shed myself than to continue to fight w/him about HIM doing it, regardless of the fact that "I shouldn't have to do this." I took up my wheelbarrow and dammit, I moved that $hit out!! Yes, it is HIS stuff and HIS responsibility, but it was MY home and MY serenity that was getting trampled. That was not acceptable.

Do you want to borrow my wheelbarrow?
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Old 12-17-2015, 09:53 AM
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^^^^. Lol. I LOVE the "get off your ass committee" !!!
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Old 12-17-2015, 09:57 AM
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Originally Posted by honeypig View Post

Do you want to borrow my wheelbarrow?
Yes, I could use your wheelbarrow! LOL...thanks so much. I do need to get off my butt and do something..
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Old 12-17-2015, 10:01 AM
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Here you go, Sad:

(This isn't really mine, but I wish it was...)
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Old 12-17-2015, 10:06 AM
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((((Sad)))) You deserve peace & happiness, especially during the holidays. Staying won't guarantee you peace though, just like leaving during the holidays won't ruin your kid's lives either.

I just went back & read your older threads to make sure I remembered your story. Have YOU done that lately? That ALWAYS helps me because it's more than just the words - re-reading my own shares triggers the emotions I was having at the time of posting & I often remember other details I never included here, or other events happening around that time. It's a great reminder/wakeup call & helps a lot with my clarity of the situation.

You'll be ready when you're ready, it's not a race. One thing is VERY obvious though. He continues to have zero accountability, zero desire to change, zero control over the way this disease is progressing inside of him.

ETA: Nice wheelbarrow HP! I love the FIRE!
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Old 12-17-2015, 10:08 AM
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I was on the fence for years and even when I though I got off and chose a side, I somehow found myself back on the fence. You know why? Because I was never really off of the fence, I was pretending to be off, hoping that I would get the reaction that I so desperately wanted. It took for me realize that I was worth much more than what I was allowing myself to experience. I realized that I still had my youth and my health but most importantly, I had 2 beautiful children that I brought in to this world. They deserve the best I can give them and although my AH is their father and I would never keep them from him, I realized that I was not giving them the best life as long as he kept us on the roller coaster. I was tired of my relationship revolving around his emotions, I was married but still felt so alone all of the time. It took a long time to realize it wasn't changing and although I don't have control over him I do have control over me. With the help of my family, therapists and SR I woke up!!

Everyone moves at a different pace and some people never move, it's all up to you...
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Old 12-17-2015, 10:17 AM
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last time I posted I was going to move out and leave my AH. We ended up working things out and had a few great months, but now...my AH is still drinking.
Those great few months turn into a great few weeks that turn into a great few weekends that turn into a few good days.

Most A’s I know that received a DUI’s and lost their license drank more – their logic - heck why not, I'm not going to be driving any where.

The A’s that I know that were court ordered into AA continued to drink except on meeting days/nights, they wait until their paperwork gets signed first then do what they do best – drink.

He’s had 8 months to address his drinking issue if he wanted and his choice is pretty clear. Being made to attend AA isn’t going to change that or him if that is what you are waiting around to see.

You've had 6 months or more to come up with an exit plan, what's that plan looking like?
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Old 12-17-2015, 10:21 AM
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I was on the fence for years and even when I though I got off and chose a side, I somehow found myself back on the fence. You know why? Because I was never really off of the fence, I was pretending to be off, hoping that I would get the reaction that I so desperately wanted.
dimndaruf, I have been there with you for the exact same reasons. It is hard to admit it, but if I'm honest w/myself, that is exactly it.

Sad, it might be worth the time and effort for you to consider this and if/how it may be affecting your situation also.
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Old 12-17-2015, 10:51 AM
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I knew I had to go for a LONG time. If I'm honest, I knew I shouldn't start the relationship. I was just paralyzed in the action department. I let 'what-if's' get the best of me, and lived on them (that's not living.)

My 'right time' was completely self imposed and totally self destructive. I became someone I never wanted to be - waiting for the right time.

As far as the courage to take action, I was semi ready a few times, then woke up one day ready, and just freaking did it.
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Old 12-17-2015, 10:52 AM
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[Sad, it might be worth the time and effort for you to consider this and if/how it may be affecting your situation also.[/QUOTE]
I have never looked at it like that...but yes...that is it...I am waiting for a reaction from him like, "I am about to lose my wife, I better go get some help. She is way too important to me. " But I am not...he went to one therapy session and hasn't gone back. He has to want to get better for himself, not me.
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Old 12-17-2015, 10:56 AM
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He has to want to get better for himself, not me.
And by the sound of it, he doesn't want to get better AT ALL. Not for him, not for you, not for God and country, not even for Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

He wants to drink. Period.
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Old 12-17-2015, 10:58 AM
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[Most A’s I know that received a DUI’s and lost their license drank more – their logic - heck why not, I'm not going to be driving any where.

The A’s that I know that were court ordered into AA continued to drink except on meeting days/nights, they wait until their paperwork gets signed first then do what they do best – drink.

He’s had 8 months to address his drinking issue if he wanted and his choice is pretty clear. Being made to attend AA isn’t going to change that or him if that is what you are waiting around to see.

You've had 6 months or more to come up with an exit plan, what's that plan looking like?[/QUOTE]

I think you are right..if he is ordered to go to AA he will still continue to drink. He won't be able to drive his car since he will probably get the alcohol detector to blow into so he will do all of his drinking at home and I am pretty sure I know how that will turn out.
I reached out to a realtor for rental home listings, but I don't even enough money to put down a security deposit and pay rent at the same time. My old apartment complex has a 2 bedroom apartment available so that is where I can move. That is my plan. Just not sure when this will all fall into place.
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Old 12-17-2015, 11:00 AM
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[I just went back & read your older threads to make sure I remembered your story. Have YOU done that lately? That ALWAYS helps me because it's more than just the words - re-reading my own shares triggers the emotions I was having at the time of posting & I often remember other details I never included here, or other events happening around that time. It's a great reminder/wakeup call & helps a lot with my clarity of the situation. ]

Actually, I was just reading some of my recent posts...and yes it does help...makes me realize it hasn't gotten any better...it is actually worse...so thank you for mentioning this...I so needed that...
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Old 12-17-2015, 11:36 AM
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Welll........Christmas is one week away........and, New Years is only 6 days after that......
So.....I think you can have a holiday for the kids......

Years ago, when I made the decision to divorce my childrens father (my first husband).....it cane to me in one flash of light (awareness)....and, I went straight to a lawyer the next morning and began filing.
I told him...but, he just laughed.....he never dreamed that I would do it.....

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