Strugglingwife7

Hello again everyone. I'm back again after some time away. Today I finalized my divorce and while I am happy I left an unhealthy relationship, I miss my ex husband a lot. I feel sad that we had to get to this place when it was supposed to be happily ever after. My ex husband has his girlfriend still and she accepts everything he has told her, I don't know what he's told her but hopefully she knows it all. He will be sober for one year next month. I'm very proud of him. I still wish I could say I stuck around and it got better and now we're living a fresh life. But no, it didn't. Instead I left, I told him to move on and he took that as he should move on to someone else. And he has.

About a month ago I asked him if this is really what he wanted, to go through with this divorce and he said yes. He said I abandoned him and told him to move on. He has stuck with that story. I'm not sure if it's because he has someone or what but it seems a little too easy for him to move on. Today he finally broke down in tears. He said while he still loves me, he could never forgive me for leaving him when he needed me most. As much as this hurt to hear, I know that I left because of his addiction to drugs, he lied, I could not trust him and he could never finally admit to his mistakes in the marriage. He just made me own up to mine.

I hadn't seen him in months and while all my feelings came back, I know I have to let him go now. I didn't want this divorce, I'd rather be with him right now but hopefully with time I'll realize more and more that I made the right choice to leave. In case you are thinking of leaving your addict, it can be a very rough road. However I hope in a few months I can post something positive, that I made it. In time I hope to see a brighter future and find love once again. Right now, my sadness is too great at losing my marriage. In time, I keep telling myself. All in due time. Thanks for listening. Today was a very sad day.

Anaya

I am so sorry for the loss of your relationship. As you note, in time, you may experience healing and finding a better place. Wishing you peace and happiness. Take care.

mamaof3boyz

I remember your post a while back and I often wondered how things turned out. I truly empathize with you as I'm in a similar situation but haven't left my addict. I struggle with it daily. I'm so sorry for your pain. It is difficult to accept that forever with your husband wasn't forever and it hurts like hell. In due time I believe you will be at peace with your decision and find happiness again. You are going to miss the good times and that's okay, there will be more good times coming your way. And one day you will wake up and the day will be just beautiful! Stay strong, surround yourself with your friends and family and keep telling yourself it will get better. Hugs and support
Mama

zoso77

He may not have had a drink in a year, but there's nothing about this statement that indicates he's sober. He abandoned you first. He's not owning up to that fact. All this tells me is he wanted to do whatever he wanted, and he expected you to put up with it.

I'm sorry that it had to come to this. But I am not sorry that he's someone else's problem now.

Take care of yourself, OK?

Strugglingwife7

Thank you for the kind words. I feel horrible. I can't get out of bed today. I know that last night after our divorce was final he probably was consoled by his girlfriend whilst I went home alone. It's just not fair. How did he find someone so fast? We were a power couple with our friends and everyone looked up to us and now we're divorced? This shouldn't have happened. I'm still feeling lots of guilt and regret that I left him, the love of my life but I am dealing. Ughh. Hurts so much. I can't wait until this deep deep pain goes away and I find out I made the right choice. Yesterday he looked great, he's working his program, is clean and of course he's so happy to move on because he has someone. Puke. It's not that I don't wish him well, I just don't fully believe it. He cried, I cried and we held each other. This was not our destiny but I had no other choice but to stop the madness of being lied to and manipulated. This sucks. I did ask him if this is what he wanted, he said yes that we weren't good together. Made me feel terrible. Anyhow, day 2 and this still sucks.

AnvilheadII

i am sorry you are so sad. it will get better, just probably not by lunchtime.

there is something to be said for the fact that sometimes even tho two people CARE for each other, etc, they just aren't a good mix in the long run. easily half my relationships fall into that category.

my 2nd ex and i were together for 13 years. and most of it was really good. except.....about half way thru i realized i wasn't really where i wanted or needed to be, but fought that off because i really had NOTHING to complain about. then finally i made my break.

not long after i left he sold the travel trailer, got himself a Honda Goldwing, got lapband surgery, lost over 100 pounds, grew his hair out and dyed it blonde. he had one fairly short and disastrous relationship with a gal who had a young (12?) daughter in sort of an attempt to redo things, and then met a woman in NA who had many similar interests, they fell in love, got married (his 4th marriage) and as far as i know are still together and still very happy.

not every relationship, even those filled with good stuff, endure. and not every relationship is MEANT to endure. our life paths are long and twisting, and we encounter countless others along the way. often we seem to be headed in the same direction, even walking the SAME path, but that is never true....while our paths may overlap, they never become ONE. and some day they may diverge again. and each must continue along their one unique and special trek.

AnonWife

Im sorry for your loss. I hope you allow yourself time to grieve. We can only do what we think is best at the time. Try not to go back and ask what if I had done things differently. Your words sound compassionate, you are proud of his recovery is a sign of your true character. But time changes all of us, we are tested, we sometimes grow together in a marriage and
sometimes we come apart. A new future awaits you and I hope your new year is bright.

glitterdeva

I feel you. I went through hell when my ex found someone to replace me fast. He wasn't an addict, but I thought at the time, the love of my life. I used to lay on the floor of my house and cry, not able to get up. I thought that this huge hole inside will never go away and I will always feel this way. 6 months later I was a totally different person. This pain made me get in gear and change my life. I change career, started dating and met someone new. When I look back at this relationship, I realize that it was very toxic and one sided. Allow yourself time to grief, you WILL NOT feel this way forever. You WILL get over this and you WILL find love again. That is how this world works Big hugs.

mamaof3boyz

"I did ask him if this is what he wanted, he said yes that we weren't good together"

You're not good together because you won't be manipulated. Now he has the perfect puzzle piece back...someone who is unknowing to his ways. Someone else he can lie to and manipulate. You deserve more than that.

Strugglingwife7

Thanks again everyone. I feel a little more hopeful today even if I can't stop crying. It comes in waves. I'll be okay and then suddenly it hits me, I'm 34 years old and divorced with an ex addict ex husband. I realize our connection runs deep and I must continue to cut the cord. He really manipulated me so much so that I feel major guilt. I wish he could finally say he made a mistake as well or I'm sorry instead of "you abandoned me and I moved on." I have an overwhelming desire to text or call him but I keep telling myself to stop. I deleted his number and all text messages giving me less inclination to do so. I have Codependent No More on audiobook and replaying again so I don't fall back. I think this being around the holidays when you want someone there is what is the most difficult. This will be my first Christmas without him in 10 years. Anyhow, praying and giving my grief up to my Higher Power is helping. I'll be calling on HIM a lot right now. I sure could use his healing and help. Thank you all again for your kind words.

zoso77

Allow me to be frank.

Screw him. Screw guilt.

And always remember that there are far worse things than being divorced at age 34, and that's being married at age 34 to an alcoholic who refuses to take responsibility for himself.

Refiner

You miss the idea of you being a "power couple that ppl looked up to" at one time. But you weren't that any more, were you? And getting a girlfriend so quick and "working his program" for appearances probably reminds you of what you were once. Well, from what you've written, he is not truly in recover and continues to blame and manipulate you. It's up to you on how you take or accept that abusiveness. Instead of thinking that he's got it so great and you don't right now, perhaps you should be glad you did what's best for YOU and feel compassion for his next victim when his shininess starts to dull and the other shoe starts to drop.

JOIE12

I have found that when I make a decision with hopes that it will change the other person - I am sadly disappointed.

It is when we walk thru the pain and allow ourselves to mourn, sometimes years later ... we realize that the decision was to be for ourselves, not to hope that it changed someone else. The story isn't over yet, but you can put that novel away and let it rest. Write a new story when you are ready.

I know it's difficult, most of us have been thru the holidays when fear and loneliness held on. Another day will come and you have the choice to make it a good one. Look at Christmas with new eyes. And a free heart. Hugs, Joie