DjSmithsfsd

Hi all,
It's been a few weeks since I've been active on here, and I'm sorry for that. I walked away from the support, probably when I needed it most. Going to al-anon meetings was giving me this feeling that everything was going to be ok... And that's true. But that doesn't mean I don't need support. I travel for work, and haven't been able to attend a meeting for about three weeks, also. I'm going to one tonight.
This morning, I decided its time to be honest with my AH. I've been allowing him to have a false sense of security. He thinks that he is safe in this relationship that hasn't been a marriage for a long time. Today, I told him. I was very careful in my choice of words to not be hurtful, but to be firm and honest. I told him that I want better for myself.
He was non-responsive. For awhile.
And now he is saying he is sorry for ruining my life, and he will just move out. He is being dramatic, and trying to guilt me.
I told him he is welcome to stay until our lease is up in May, and I will continue to be supportive and help him get on his feet. But if he is uncomfortable with that, and wants to leave, that is his choice.
I don't love this man anymore. I care about him, yes. But the love is gone. That's been a hard thing to see through all the anger. As I've let go of my anger and resentment, I see things more clearly.
One day at a time.

Liveitwell

Sorry you find yourself in this place. I was there many many times and kept going bc I loved him too. You know what you need to do (and he will continue to guilt you and play the victim bc it's all he knows how to do-he won't stand up and take responsibility). Keep putting one foot in front of the other-it sounds like you handled it well and are a strong woman that knows her value and what she wants and deserves. Good for you!!

honeypig

DJ, you sound very clear in your understanding of what you do and don't want, what you do and don't feel, and what is and is not acceptable to you. My A also would use the guilt technique--"OK, I'll just move out right now, then, since you want me gone!"--and it's hurtful, for sure, but eventually it stops working.

Thanks for posting about caring for your A vs loving him and how your marriage really has not been a marriage for some time. XAH just moved out in the last few weeks, and I think as I get some time and space and calm, I will begin to see the differences between what I thought things were and what they truly were, just as you have.

Kudos to you for the growing you've done so far. Like they say at the Alanon meetings, "keep coming back!"

minime13

You handled the situation very well. You want to know how to tell that you're making the right decision? He didn't even try to talk things out, but moved straight to the guilt trip.

Your head and heart will be on the same page soon. It will be a lot easier then. In the meantime, just keep doing well for and by yourself, keep going to meetings, and keep reaching out for support when you need it. You're doing great.

atalose

Someone once said the hardest part is the saying it out loud part and you’ve done that very well.

I would be extremely cautious about this part though:

LexieCat

When he said he will "just move out," that was your cue to say, OK, let me know when you've found a place.

IOW, the guilting WORKED. He now figures he can take his sweet time about it--and just ask some of the folks on this forum how speedy that's likely to be.

I also share atalsse's concern about continuing to "be supportive and help him get on his feet." That sort of defeats a large part of the purpose in getting him OUT of your home. The idea is that you don't have to be the one supporting and helping him, when he is a grown man capable of caring for himself, and when there are AA meetings and programs everywhere if he decides he's sick of being a slave to alcohol.

It's possible to be firm and kind at the same time. All it takes is keeping yourself on your own side of the street.

DjSmithsfsd

Thanks everyone. I guess I'm still on the fence about him getting out. I had actually decided I would file for divorce when the lease is up in May. And I wasn't even going to tell him I was thinking about leaving. I was just going to go on living this way until the lease is up bc that is simply what is easiest. But at some point, I decided it was unfair to not at least let him know about where I stand. I really am ok with him staying for now, because I know he has nowhere else to go. I just wanted him to know everything isn't a-ok. The last few weeks we've been going through the motions and he had no clue I was considering separation or divorce. Now he knows. That's step one. But you're right; offering to be supportive is still enabling. I guess I have some thinking to do about what this is going to look like.