I still haven't had the courage to leave...I don't know why
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I still haven't had the courage to leave...I don't know why
It's been almost 2 weeks since my bf hit my "final straw" and ruined a Christmas party for me (just a long line of ruined weekends and events). He did come out and admit he has a problem and has gone to an AA meeting and appears to be making a change. But I am still not happy. It's been a year of relationship and a year of this stress. I don't really want to wait around to see if he will actually change...
Yet still I have a hard time actually asking him to leave (he lives with me in my condo). I have checked out emotionally. I am bitter. I am angry. I am even angry that he hasn't had a drink in almost 2 weeks and he seems JUST FINE!! No withdrawal. No irritability. Nothing. He's in a GREAT mood. And that upsets me because he ruined so many weekends and it seems like he didn't even really NEED to drink at all. Like it was a choice to be a jerk.
He thanks me for "caring so much" to tell him his drinking was a problem. I've been telling him since January when he ruined my New Years Eve!!!! The first time I told him, he dumped me for a week.
Sigh...I am just venting. I feel so sad and guilty all of the time. Sometimes at work I just start to cry. It's such a heavy weight to carry. And you know what? My situation isn't half as bad as many of you wonderful people in this forum! My hat is off to all of you for your courage
Yet still I have a hard time actually asking him to leave (he lives with me in my condo). I have checked out emotionally. I am bitter. I am angry. I am even angry that he hasn't had a drink in almost 2 weeks and he seems JUST FINE!! No withdrawal. No irritability. Nothing. He's in a GREAT mood. And that upsets me because he ruined so many weekends and it seems like he didn't even really NEED to drink at all. Like it was a choice to be a jerk.
He thanks me for "caring so much" to tell him his drinking was a problem. I've been telling him since January when he ruined my New Years Eve!!!! The first time I told him, he dumped me for a week.
Sigh...I am just venting. I feel so sad and guilty all of the time. Sometimes at work I just start to cry. It's such a heavy weight to carry. And you know what? My situation isn't half as bad as many of you wonderful people in this forum! My hat is off to all of you for your courage
Hi be, so you still definitely want him out? What's stopping you asking him to leave? Is it because you think that if someone's being nice to you, you have to be nice back?
It's just a matter of time if bitterness and anger still rule your emotions. Ask him to leave, he probably expects it anyway, and if he truly is sorry and can make a go of sobriety he can do it away from you.
It's awful that you're carrying the burden of his behaviour, but it will only last as long as you let it.
It's just a matter of time if bitterness and anger still rule your emotions. Ask him to leave, he probably expects it anyway, and if he truly is sorry and can make a go of sobriety he can do it away from you.
It's awful that you're carrying the burden of his behaviour, but it will only last as long as you let it.
I am even angry that he hasn't had a drink in almost 2 weeks and he seems JUST FINE!! No withdrawal. No irritability. Nothing. He's in a GREAT mood. And that upsets me because he ruined so many weekends and it seems like he didn't even really NEED to drink at all. Like it was a choice to be a jerk.
You know what? He never quit drinking. Not once. He just hid it with more and more skill as time went on. Every so often, he'd appear a bit "off", but would always assure me that no, he wasn't drinking, he was just fine, and it was my perception that was off. He'd get caught red-handed every so often, and would confess to having had a slip, but the truth of the matter was that he never, ever quit.
In fact, right before we divorced, he told me that he'd never once reached out to anyone in AA for help when he wanted to drink. He just drank. Yet, to my face, he'd done the whole sobbing-at-the-kitchen-table, "oh, I'm sick, I need help" thing after being busted on several occasions, knowing that would trigger sympathy and leniency from me--and it worked. It did work. Until it didn't.
be, he would talk to his sponsor every afternoon and then drink! He chaired his home AA group for a year and never stopped drinking! The ways they can hide and lie are simply beyond the imagination of folks like you and me. After a while, it got easy for me to tell if he was lying--if his lips were moving, then he was lying.
Check my past threads if you'd like to see how things have played out over the last 3 years. That might give you a heads up as to believing anything he tells you and setting yourself up for months/years more of hell as you trust someone who is NOT trustworthy.
And as others have said, you owe him nothing. Even if he truly quit, right now, right this second, you still have every right to say "Out. Out of my home and my life."
There are a couple of possibilities here. Probably the more likely is the one honeypig suggested--that he hasn't quit at all.
The other is that he hasn't yet progressed to the point of physical withdrawal symptoms, and that he's more of a binge-drinker than a daily drinker. The AA definition of an alcoholic is someone who craves more alcohol when they've had any, and who has an obsession to drink even when not drinking. For binge drinkers the obsession may not be present as constantly as with daily drinkers.
More will be revealed. See what happens. My guess is he will crash and burn again soon enough.
The other is that he hasn't yet progressed to the point of physical withdrawal symptoms, and that he's more of a binge-drinker than a daily drinker. The AA definition of an alcoholic is someone who craves more alcohol when they've had any, and who has an obsession to drink even when not drinking. For binge drinkers the obsession may not be present as constantly as with daily drinkers.
More will be revealed. See what happens. My guess is he will crash and burn again soon enough.
It sounds like you are still upset with the things he has done in the past while drinking. He can't change what he did in the past, but he has a choice now of being sober. And it sounds like you are expecting him to get drunk again any day...just waiting for the next disappointment...I know how that feels. You have to be fair to yourself and to him...maybe you should talk it out...if you don't love him any more it might be best for both of you to go your separate ways.
Resentments (on either side) will damage a relationship...so sorry you are going through this....
Resentments (on either side) will damage a relationship...so sorry you are going through this....
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It's incredible that you know his pattern just from the information in my one post!
Last edited by DesertEyes; 12-16-2015 at 08:56 AM. Reason: Fixed broken quote
be, we all tend to think our A's are "special snowflakes." They are, in reality, all very much alike, as you can see from Lexie's magic ability to "know his pattern from just one post."
Please take this into consideration when others here are sharing their experience with you. It's likely to be pretty accurate.
Please take this into consideration when others here are sharing their experience with you. It's likely to be pretty accurate.
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be, we all tend to think our A's are "special snowflakes." They are, in reality, all very much alike, as you can see from Lexie's magic ability to "know his pattern from just one post."
Please take this into consideration when others here are sharing their experience with you. It's likely to be pretty accurate.
Please take this into consideration when others here are sharing their experience with you. It's likely to be pretty accurate.
I'm going to my therapist tonight. Have I mentioned the bitterness over the actual financial cost this relationship has taken? Lol
be.......it is very common, I think......because, we see alcohol as the root of the problems....that if the person isn't putting alcohol in their mouth.....that if they are "sober"......that everything will be o.k......
That they will finally see what you see....that they will be truly sorry for what they put you through, and, that they will apologize and make it all up to you.....
It rarely happens that way.....or so quickly. It is such a shock to the loved one who had prayed for him to stop drinking for soooo long!
Many say that the early sobriety period is actually harder than the period of active drinking.
Just so that you know....
dandylion
That they will finally see what you see....that they will be truly sorry for what they put you through, and, that they will apologize and make it all up to you.....
It rarely happens that way.....or so quickly. It is such a shock to the loved one who had prayed for him to stop drinking for soooo long!
Many say that the early sobriety period is actually harder than the period of active drinking.
Just so that you know....
dandylion
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Thank you so much for sharing all this, be.
This reminds me exactly of my ongoing inner struggles and confusion over my ex: she didn't drink every day. She was aware of her problem and able to articulate it plainly. She asserted the will to get better - even if she wasn't willing to actually commit to meetings, timelines, or anything else tangible (besides therapy). She spoke so caringly and in such encouraging ways.
Yet the distrust lingered. The traumatic memories lingered. The weight never lifted. My fear and anxiety was constant. It was all just so... heavy.
That heaviness is all I need to read in your comment. You are angry, bitter, checked out, spent. Unhappy. This is what it all comes down to, regardless of anything he says or does.
You need to no longer feel these feelings - for you. I have full faith in your courage to ultimately do that - whatever action that takes on your part. Speaking as someone just recently on the other side - I cut off decisively contact just a week ago - I can tell you: you will survive, and you will start to see a better future ahead of you.
You are absolutely not alone here.
This reminds me exactly of my ongoing inner struggles and confusion over my ex: she didn't drink every day. She was aware of her problem and able to articulate it plainly. She asserted the will to get better - even if she wasn't willing to actually commit to meetings, timelines, or anything else tangible (besides therapy). She spoke so caringly and in such encouraging ways.
Yet the distrust lingered. The traumatic memories lingered. The weight never lifted. My fear and anxiety was constant. It was all just so... heavy.
That heaviness is all I need to read in your comment. You are angry, bitter, checked out, spent. Unhappy. This is what it all comes down to, regardless of anything he says or does.
You need to no longer feel these feelings - for you. I have full faith in your courage to ultimately do that - whatever action that takes on your part. Speaking as someone just recently on the other side - I cut off decisively contact just a week ago - I can tell you: you will survive, and you will start to see a better future ahead of you.
You are absolutely not alone here.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
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Thank you so much for sharing all this, be.
This reminds me exactly of my ongoing inner struggles and confusion over my ex: she didn't drink every day. She was aware of her problem and able to articulate it plainly. She asserted the will to get better - even if she wasn't willing to actually commit to meetings, timelines, or anything else tangible (besides therapy). She spoke so caringly and in such encouraging ways.
Yet the distrust lingered. The traumatic memories lingered. The weight never lifted. My fear and anxiety was constant. It was all just so... heavy.
That heaviness is all I need to read in your comment. You are angry, bitter, checked out, spent. Unhappy. This is what it all comes down to, regardless of anything he says or does.
You need to no longer feel these feelings - for you. I have full faith in your courage to ultimately do that - whatever action that takes on your part. Speaking as someone just recently on the other side - I cut off decisively contact just a week ago - I can tell you: you will survive, and you will start to see a better future ahead of you.
You are absolutely not alone here.
This reminds me exactly of my ongoing inner struggles and confusion over my ex: she didn't drink every day. She was aware of her problem and able to articulate it plainly. She asserted the will to get better - even if she wasn't willing to actually commit to meetings, timelines, or anything else tangible (besides therapy). She spoke so caringly and in such encouraging ways.
Yet the distrust lingered. The traumatic memories lingered. The weight never lifted. My fear and anxiety was constant. It was all just so... heavy.
That heaviness is all I need to read in your comment. You are angry, bitter, checked out, spent. Unhappy. This is what it all comes down to, regardless of anything he says or does.
You need to no longer feel these feelings - for you. I have full faith in your courage to ultimately do that - whatever action that takes on your part. Speaking as someone just recently on the other side - I cut off decisively contact just a week ago - I can tell you: you will survive, and you will start to see a better future ahead of you.
You are absolutely not alone here.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 19
The best way I could put it is I know each new day is another day closer to a better future for myself. It's already manageable, albeit still painful. But I know it can only get better from here, and I'm finally free of the suffocating stress and pain that kept me perpetually down in the old situation. I'm even starting to get my self esteem back! It's totally worth it.
Whatever your own decision, please continue to post here as much as you feel the need. The support of this community is a wonderful resource, and they're really here for you every step of your way.
I'm about to be in your boat.
And I'm terribly sad. You know what keeps running through my head... ? 'Am I really willing to start all over AGAIN with someone new?' And the resounding answer in my heart is "No. I'll be alone forever." Which seems kind of nice at this point. I've dated some normies, but at 36 and I still haven't found a man that I love deeply AND is good for me? Not to mention all of the awful pain I've been through with all these relationships.... yeah... I'm pretty much done. This sucks. Eventually, I'll begin to feel different... I think. But I'm really gonna have to work my 2nd and 3rd step to get there! All of this nonsense that we go through really does a number on trust.
Hold on to your anger as long as you need to to vet things done. I was angry yesterday, and today I'm more sad. I need to be angry...
And I'm terribly sad. You know what keeps running through my head... ? 'Am I really willing to start all over AGAIN with someone new?' And the resounding answer in my heart is "No. I'll be alone forever." Which seems kind of nice at this point. I've dated some normies, but at 36 and I still haven't found a man that I love deeply AND is good for me? Not to mention all of the awful pain I've been through with all these relationships.... yeah... I'm pretty much done. This sucks. Eventually, I'll begin to feel different... I think. But I'm really gonna have to work my 2nd and 3rd step to get there! All of this nonsense that we go through really does a number on trust.
Hold on to your anger as long as you need to to vet things done. I was angry yesterday, and today I'm more sad. I need to be angry...
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I'm about to be in your boat.
And I'm terribly sad. You know what keeps running through my head... ? 'Am I really willing to start all over AGAIN with someone new?' And the resounding answer in my heart is "No. I'll be alone forever." Which seems kind of nice at this point. I've dated some normies, but at 36 and I still haven't found a man that I love deeply AND is good for me? Not to mention all of the awful pain I've been through with all these relationships.... yeah... I'm pretty much done.
And I'm terribly sad. You know what keeps running through my head... ? 'Am I really willing to start all over AGAIN with someone new?' And the resounding answer in my heart is "No. I'll be alone forever." Which seems kind of nice at this point. I've dated some normies, but at 36 and I still haven't found a man that I love deeply AND is good for me? Not to mention all of the awful pain I've been through with all these relationships.... yeah... I'm pretty much done.
But I wonder if I don't want to give him this last chance because of how I feel for someone new. And I wonder if it's fair to not give him the chance (I think it is, actually). But deep down inside - I am afraid that ABF really will change into who I thought he was...and that's a fairy tale that I have a hard time letting go of.
I am not sure "fairness" is the best reason to stay in a relationship where you are unfulfilled. I had several relationships linger on long last their expiration because one of us didn't want to hurt the other one, or one of us was scared to be on our own, and neither of us were doing the other any favors by staying. All we were doing was holding each other back from a potentially more satisfying relationship for BOTH of us. Put your oxygen mask on first and see to yourself. Your BF is an adult, and part of adult ing is working through relationships that change or end. Give him the chance and dignity to do so.
Good Morning Ladies,
Take it from this old girl (52), BE HAPPY! Do what YOU have to do for YOU and don't waste one more second of your life trying to change, help, fix a person who does not and is not willing to help themselves. Life is too damn short for all this nonsense.
That's all I've got this am. I am wishing you clarity....
Ro
Oh and one more thing... B- I'll bet my bottom dollar he is still drinking.
Do what you need to do for YOU and YOUR HAPPINESS.
Take it from this old girl (52), BE HAPPY! Do what YOU have to do for YOU and don't waste one more second of your life trying to change, help, fix a person who does not and is not willing to help themselves. Life is too damn short for all this nonsense.
That's all I've got this am. I am wishing you clarity....
Ro
Oh and one more thing... B- I'll bet my bottom dollar he is still drinking.
Do what you need to do for YOU and YOUR HAPPINESS.
Good Morning Ladies,
Take it from this old girl (52), BE HAPPY! Do what YOU have to do for YOU and don't waste one more second of your life trying to change, help, fix a person who does not and is not willing to help themselves. Life is too damn short for all this nonsense.
That's all I've got this am. I am wishing you clarity....
Ro
Oh and one more thing... B- I'll bet my bottom dollar he is still drinking.
Do what you need to do for YOU and YOUR HAPPINESS.
Take it from this old girl (52), BE HAPPY! Do what YOU have to do for YOU and don't waste one more second of your life trying to change, help, fix a person who does not and is not willing to help themselves. Life is too damn short for all this nonsense.
That's all I've got this am. I am wishing you clarity....
Ro
Oh and one more thing... B- I'll bet my bottom dollar he is still drinking.
Do what you need to do for YOU and YOUR HAPPINESS.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 19
I'm about to be in your boat.
And I'm terribly sad. You know what keeps running through my head... ? 'Am I really willing to start all over AGAIN with someone new?' And the resounding answer in my heart is "No. I'll be alone forever." Which seems kind of nice at this point. I've dated some normies, but at 36 and I still haven't found a man that I love deeply AND is good for me? Not to mention all of the awful pain I've been through with all these relationships.... yeah... I'm pretty much done. This sucks. Eventually, I'll begin to feel different... I think. But I'm really gonna have to work my 2nd and 3rd step to get there! All of this nonsense that we go through really does a number on trust.
Hold on to your anger as long as you need to to vet things done. I was angry yesterday, and today I'm more sad. I need to be angry...
And I'm terribly sad. You know what keeps running through my head... ? 'Am I really willing to start all over AGAIN with someone new?' And the resounding answer in my heart is "No. I'll be alone forever." Which seems kind of nice at this point. I've dated some normies, but at 36 and I still haven't found a man that I love deeply AND is good for me? Not to mention all of the awful pain I've been through with all these relationships.... yeah... I'm pretty much done. This sucks. Eventually, I'll begin to feel different... I think. But I'm really gonna have to work my 2nd and 3rd step to get there! All of this nonsense that we go through really does a number on trust.
Hold on to your anger as long as you need to to vet things done. I was angry yesterday, and today I'm more sad. I need to be angry...
Just have patience with yourself, is all I can say. I'm trying to practice as much patience with myself as I can - I and you and everyone else here deserves no less.
Settling is never healthy and settling for an alcoholic so not to be alone is contradictory. There is nothing lonelier then being with someone whose commitment is to something else and probably always will be. And that something else is destructive, mentally and physically for both parties involved.
I think I would rather feel a little alone then feel stress and anxiety. I think I would rather feel a little alone then be with someone I felt embarrassed to bring out to events with me.
I think I would rather feel a little alone then have to detach from the person who is supposed to be my partner in life, then really what’s the point of the relationship especially if you are not married.
Believe it or not we actually do have choices and options it’s just that we’ve talked ourselves out of making them.
Our goal is to begin having different healthier conversations with that person looking back at us from the mirror. Getting from I can’t too I can is how we free ourselves from the relationship prisons we’ve put ourselves in.
I think I would rather feel a little alone then feel stress and anxiety. I think I would rather feel a little alone then be with someone I felt embarrassed to bring out to events with me.
I think I would rather feel a little alone then have to detach from the person who is supposed to be my partner in life, then really what’s the point of the relationship especially if you are not married.
Believe it or not we actually do have choices and options it’s just that we’ve talked ourselves out of making them.
Our goal is to begin having different healthier conversations with that person looking back at us from the mirror. Getting from I can’t too I can is how we free ourselves from the relationship prisons we’ve put ourselves in.
I am afraid that ABF really will change into who I thought he was...and that's a fairy tale that I have a hard time letting go of.
^^^this is WISHFUL thinking, not based on one OUNCE of FACT.
you want him to CHANGE into the version of him that you think would work for YOU. as grown ups we should have left our fairy tale dreams long behind us. there is no prince with a magic kiss, no fairy godmothers, no wishing wells, no glass slippers.
life is raw and real and in your face. and it is best met head on with clear vision and big dose of acceptance.
^^^this is WISHFUL thinking, not based on one OUNCE of FACT.
you want him to CHANGE into the version of him that you think would work for YOU. as grown ups we should have left our fairy tale dreams long behind us. there is no prince with a magic kiss, no fairy godmothers, no wishing wells, no glass slippers.
life is raw and real and in your face. and it is best met head on with clear vision and big dose of acceptance.
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