Spouses
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 125
Spouses
I'm on day 19. After something awfulbhappened a few weeks ago. my husband finally understands that I can never drink again and that it partly physiological. We were in deep discussion today and he said that it was unfortunate that he had to suffer and couldn't drink around me anymore.... and he's a lightweight. .. 4 drink maximum. I really think it would help if he didn't drink around me, at least not for a while, and I'm really hurt that he said this. I told him it was if he wanted me to be this perfect little social drinker and it was never going to happen and he agreed! Any thoughts on this? It really made me want to have an F you drink which of course I'm not going to do but itade angry bc it hurt.
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
If it bothers you I'd see if he will at least not drink around you for maybe a month. You'll probably be more comfortable with being around alcohol without feeling like you have to have one. My wife drinks maybe a glass of wine a day. That doesn't bother me as I know I'm the one with the problem, not her. But everyone is different.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,496
The main thing to remember is that you are stopping drinking to help yourself. It would be nice if your husband was more supportive, but ultimately you need to believe you are doing the right thing by not drinking. Just keep focusing on your goal and you can do this. 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Honestly, you would be better to just focus all your efforts on never drinking again. He may may understated the depth of your problem, he may have not realised the impact that statement would have on you, really there are many reasons but try nt to carried away on any one issue or statement now. As long as you stay sober it will all come good again. Its awesome that you and your husband are connecting well and having these conversations. Maybe try to just take the good out of them for now.....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 16
difficult this, because I had a friend that went to AA and it didn't bother him that I had wine with dinner.
Husband should be supportive but you'd be double strong if you stay sober when he has a drink.
Going to a party tonight where there will be plenty to drink, will try not to touch it, let others drink what they want.
Going to be difficult, I know
Husband should be supportive but you'd be double strong if you stay sober when he has a drink.
Going to a party tonight where there will be plenty to drink, will try not to touch it, let others drink what they want.
Going to be difficult, I know
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: London, England
Posts: 354
I am in a similar boat; I have not had a drink for 25 days now but my partner continues to drink. I have not asked her to stop whilst I get to grips with sobriety but I had hoped she would offer support by way of joining me.
But she hasn't, and at first that made me... angry, sad, disappointed. I have in recent days realised that it isn't going to happen. And so I have decided so be it, and stopped wasting my energy on those negative emotions. It sure is tough - every time I open the fridge there's a bottle of wine staring out at me. But I figure there will always be temptation around the corner so better to learn to live with it than fight it.
One thing is for sure - she certainly doesn't understand what being an alcoholic is, and what it entails. This was made obvious when last night she asked me if I will be having a drink on Christmas Day.
But she hasn't, and at first that made me... angry, sad, disappointed. I have in recent days realised that it isn't going to happen. And so I have decided so be it, and stopped wasting my energy on those negative emotions. It sure is tough - every time I open the fridge there's a bottle of wine staring out at me. But I figure there will always be temptation around the corner so better to learn to live with it than fight it.
One thing is for sure - she certainly doesn't understand what being an alcoholic is, and what it entails. This was made obvious when last night she asked me if I will be having a drink on Christmas Day.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 309
I think it's good that you spoke about it together. My husband is tee-total but was really upset when I went to AA. I was a bit insulted but when I asked him about it, it was because he didn't think I was that bad and I was overreacting. Thing is, we both come from families with alcoholic backgrounds so in comparison to some of them, no I don't drink as much or as hard, but when we had a discussion it was really important to explain that's it's not how much or how often, it's what happens to me when I drink and that I can't stop once I start.
Be strong, this is your own recovery and it's important you prioritise it over your husband's desire to drink.
Be strong, this is your own recovery and it's important you prioritise it over your husband's desire to drink.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 507
I agree with the others here that it would be nice if he didn't drink around you, but that's his choice. How others react to our non-drinking is out of our control. Whether or not we drink is in our control. We can't let other people's actions affect whether or not we drink.
My wife carried on with her glass or two of wine a day when I stopped. I'd love it if she quit as well, but if she'd decided to quit a year ago when I was still drinking, and asked me to stop in order to support her, how would I have felt? Angry and resentful. Would I have agreed to it? No.
My wife carried on with her glass or two of wine a day when I stopped. I'd love it if she quit as well, but if she'd decided to quit a year ago when I was still drinking, and asked me to stop in order to support her, how would I have felt? Angry and resentful. Would I have agreed to it? No.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
My husband continues to drink, and drink too much, around me nearly daily.
He is somewhat discreet about putting away his bottle, doing it mostly when I've
gone to bed or am at work, etc. but he certainly isn't "not drinking to support me".
You know what? It doesn't trigger me to drink at all anymore.
I don't like it, but his drinking is his choice, and my choice is sobriety.
He is somewhat discreet about putting away his bottle, doing it mostly when I've
gone to bed or am at work, etc. but he certainly isn't "not drinking to support me".
You know what? It doesn't trigger me to drink at all anymore.
I don't like it, but his drinking is his choice, and my choice is sobriety.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
I once woke up on the floor half under the coffee table, next to some broken picture frames I'd smashed on my way to the floor. I decided to quit drinking and a few days later I couldn't believe what a horrible person my wife was. It made me drink again.
Emotions are raw in early sobriety. Go easy.
Congratulations on your decision to live a sober life. It's gonna get so much better for both of you!
Emotions are raw in early sobriety. Go easy.
Congratulations on your decision to live a sober life. It's gonna get so much better for both of you!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
If your husband or wife became wheel chair bound, would you build a ramp to help them get into the house? Would you change the layout of the home to make it easier for them?
I know it's not the same thing.
Or is it?
I know it's not the same thing.
Or is it?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Somerset
Posts: 933
Personally, (and this is from personal experience so I'm almost definitely projecting) I believe there are two aspects to this debate.
The first is the nature of the alcoholic and how easy or difficult it is for her/ him to remain sober with alcohol in the house.
The second is the nature of the relationship between spouses.
If the alcoholic feels that a dry house is a prerequisite to kick start their sober journey then I think it's utterly beholden on the partner to respect this and do their bit.
For me relationships are about emotional intimacy, I wouldn't want to be with anyone who wouldn't embrace an opportunity to help the alcoholic achieve sobriety by what is a relatively simple request. Unless of course the partner is an alcoholic too.
If one partner is struggling with booze and the other can't see their way to support them, that's not a proper relationship.
Sorry for being blunt. And yes, it's an emotive subject for me!
The first is the nature of the alcoholic and how easy or difficult it is for her/ him to remain sober with alcohol in the house.
The second is the nature of the relationship between spouses.
If the alcoholic feels that a dry house is a prerequisite to kick start their sober journey then I think it's utterly beholden on the partner to respect this and do their bit.
For me relationships are about emotional intimacy, I wouldn't want to be with anyone who wouldn't embrace an opportunity to help the alcoholic achieve sobriety by what is a relatively simple request. Unless of course the partner is an alcoholic too.
If one partner is struggling with booze and the other can't see their way to support them, that's not a proper relationship.
Sorry for being blunt. And yes, it's an emotive subject for me!
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by LBrain 
If your husband or wife became wheel chair bound, would you build a ramp to help them get into the house? Would you change the layout of the home to make it easier for them?
I know it's not the same thing.
Or is it?
I know it's not the same thing.
Or is it?
You wouldn't play around her, but it would be an imposition, right? You'd miss the good ol' mandolin days of yesteryear.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,237
In the beginning It was like, how dare you
tell me I cant drink anymore or I cant handle
my liquor. The family did an intervention on
me sending me into the hands of those to
teach me about my addiction to alcohol and
its affects on me and those around me.
They were doing for me what I certainly
didn't want to nor couldn't do for my own
self. Saving my life.
I completed my 28 day instay rehab with
a 6 week aftercare outpatient program before
being set on my path of recovery to take what
was taught to me and incorporate in all areas
of my life.
I was given an ultimatum that if I ever drank
again then my azz would be out of the house.
At that moment, I copped a huge resentment
against my family first that they sent me into
rehab and then to tell me if I ever.....
HOW DARE YOU TELL ME THAT.....
It took a good while remaining sober,
still going to many many meetings, still
learning how to address those huge resentments
and let them go.
Over time, I used my recovery to my own
advantage. This would be my own recovery
to do whatever I needed to do to remain sober
with a program of recovery as my guideline
to accepting people, places and things just
as they are.
Im staying sober for me because I want
to remain sober and not because YOU,
my family wants me to. If members of the
family or friends don't know about addiction
and have no problems with addiction themselves,
then they have no idea what I am. All they
see and feel is the affects and behavior of
my addiction. The wrath of my tornado storming
thru the family and myself.
It takes an alcoholic to know an alcoholic IMO.
In my opinion.
Today, some 25 yrs ago, im pretty sure
family thinks im cured of my disease or
illness. Im not cured but rather im using
a program of recovery as a treatment of
steps and principles to help me remain
healthy, happy, honest in all my affairs.
I cant make anyone understand this
except those in recovery. Those that
have been there and done the same
similar things ive experiences in my
lifetime.
My recovery belongs to me, myself and I.
I am responsible for my own recovery.
If family or friends don't understand my
recovery then that is not my problem to
make them understand. Thank goodness
there are many other programs of recovery
for them if they want it. Want it and not have
to. It is their choice, not mine.
My recovery continues today as I continue
to pass on my own ESH to other still struggling
with addiction of what own life was and is like
before, during and after addiction.
Recovery life is a gift and Im very grateful
for my family doing for me what I didn't nor
wanted to do yrs ago. My life was and is
restored back to me with abundant rewards
to appreciate and not take for granted.
One Day @ A Time.
tell me I cant drink anymore or I cant handle
my liquor. The family did an intervention on
me sending me into the hands of those to
teach me about my addiction to alcohol and
its affects on me and those around me.
They were doing for me what I certainly
didn't want to nor couldn't do for my own
self. Saving my life.
I completed my 28 day instay rehab with
a 6 week aftercare outpatient program before
being set on my path of recovery to take what
was taught to me and incorporate in all areas
of my life.
I was given an ultimatum that if I ever drank
again then my azz would be out of the house.
At that moment, I copped a huge resentment
against my family first that they sent me into
rehab and then to tell me if I ever.....
HOW DARE YOU TELL ME THAT.....
It took a good while remaining sober,
still going to many many meetings, still
learning how to address those huge resentments
and let them go.
Over time, I used my recovery to my own
advantage. This would be my own recovery
to do whatever I needed to do to remain sober
with a program of recovery as my guideline
to accepting people, places and things just
as they are.
Im staying sober for me because I want
to remain sober and not because YOU,
my family wants me to. If members of the
family or friends don't know about addiction
and have no problems with addiction themselves,
then they have no idea what I am. All they
see and feel is the affects and behavior of
my addiction. The wrath of my tornado storming
thru the family and myself.
It takes an alcoholic to know an alcoholic IMO.
In my opinion.
Today, some 25 yrs ago, im pretty sure
family thinks im cured of my disease or
illness. Im not cured but rather im using
a program of recovery as a treatment of
steps and principles to help me remain
healthy, happy, honest in all my affairs.
I cant make anyone understand this
except those in recovery. Those that
have been there and done the same
similar things ive experiences in my
lifetime.
My recovery belongs to me, myself and I.
I am responsible for my own recovery.
If family or friends don't understand my
recovery then that is not my problem to
make them understand. Thank goodness
there are many other programs of recovery
for them if they want it. Want it and not have
to. It is their choice, not mine.
My recovery continues today as I continue
to pass on my own ESH to other still struggling
with addiction of what own life was and is like
before, during and after addiction.
Recovery life is a gift and Im very grateful
for my family doing for me what I didn't nor
wanted to do yrs ago. My life was and is
restored back to me with abundant rewards
to appreciate and not take for granted.
One Day @ A Time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 507
Originally Posted by LBrain
If your husband or wife became wheel chair bound, would you build a ramp to help them get into the house? Would you change the layout of the home to make it easier for them?
I know it's not the same thing.
Or is it?
I know it's not the same thing.
Or is it?
The question is whether we are in a position to demand that support, given many (most?) of us never asked or cared what they thought about our drinking, and didn't stop or cut down ourselves when asked to in the past. And related to that, whether we should allow that lack of support to derail our attempts to get sober.
In my own case, I could have made an issue about the fact my wife didn't stop drinking. Used that as justification for me to abandon my attempt, with the handy excuse of being able to blame my wife. And/or carry a load of resentment and anger around with me.
Or not.
I chose not.
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