gega

I had the conversation with my parents about my commitment to stop drinking. Their response was interesting to me.

My mother's first question was, "what did you do?"
Although this is a totally legitimate question because I did make this choice after making a complete ass of myself in front of my kids, I didn't really want to go into it with her. I've got enough self loathing to last me for a while, and miring in the shame isn't really helping me.

My father's question was, "have they complained about you at work?"

This is interesting to me because I find there is a tipping point that is different based on gender.
I have often told myself that i'm doing OK simply because I could still function at work. I almost praised myself for being a "high functioning alcoholic". My father was also a "high functioning alcoholic" (still is, but he's retired now).

The problem with that is that the slack shows up somewhere, and as a mother, I think the criticism from my children was just as valid as any criticism from an employer.

I could be speaking in terms that are specific to my life, and these things may not be as gendered as I am presenting, but I never expected my father be involved with my life. It was my mother's responsibility to manage the day to day life of the kids. I don't think my father would have considered his drinking as interfering if it was "just" interfering with his family life.

As a professional mother I feel like there is a lot of pressure to be equally responsible to both facets of life. I have no problem with this, and I am making positive change to ensure that I can be good at all facets, but I see the same pattern happening in my family.

My husband is valued at work. He does a great job, and he provides for his family. When he gets home, he smokes a joint and disengages. This is less harmful than getting drunk and acting stupid, but it's still an issue.

My kids have no expectation of him to engage, and I don't think he would ever see his behavior as a problem. Is this a gender thing?

I worry that I'm going to come across a jealous of these men and their ability to zone out of their family life. I'm not. I have come to see that my drinking was not manageable, and my kids were suffering as a result.
These are just the thoughts on my mind this moment.

firstymer

When I finally committed to stop drinking 2 years ago, it was for me, not for anyone else. I had to focus on my decision in order to maintain my resolve, because it was MY life that was being wrecked by alcohol. That somewhat selfish approach to sobriety has worked for me.

To that end, maybe it would be best to focus on yourself, and worry less about how others react to your decision. Frankly, in the early weeks of my sobriety, I didn't really tell people about my commitment to stop drinking. I was afraid I would fail and look like, well, a failure, if I started drinking again.

Be confident and steadfast in your commitment to stay sober. That resolve will be important when you are tempted to drink. You are doing the right thing in getting sober. Know that.

Good luck. I hope you will post often and let us know how you are doing.

gega

I get what you're saying. I just think about human motivation a lot. I'm not ashamed of it.
In terms of getting sober for myself, I guess that's part of it (for me), but a huge part of it is about maintaining the relationships around me.
Your commitment is admirable. Although your method was different than mine, I don't think there is any competition in this process.

Thanks for your encouragement.

Anna

I didn't tell anyone either when I stopped drinking. I felt it was a very personal decision and I felt very vulnerable and really didn't think I could handle comments from family members. I think if you focus on your recovery, things will work out.

Soberwolf

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

greens

I dunno but you might want to read her best kept secret, its specifically about the rising number of women coming forward with drinking problems and how it is culturally perceived, women hiding it differently etc. It's an Interesting book.

Bettalife

When I told my mother her response shocked me! It was almost as if she thought I was over reacting a little and being dramatic... Even though my mother doesn't live close and wasn't seeing it she was getting the slurred and incoherent phones calls at least 3 times a week and all the conversations I had with her could I not remember.... I understand very much what you are saying about being a mother ... As mothers I feel there is a expectation to engage with your children, to want to do more than the bare essentials and to enjoy doing this for your children.. That's one of the reasons I decided I needed to stop.. Because drinking had taken away the true enjoyment I got from my kids... I did the bare essentials, bathed, fed, appropriate bed times, clean clothes and tidy house but when they really needed me i felt them wanting my attention just got in the way of my drinking.. Even stopped taking them to after school activites because I would need a drink early in the afternoon and then couldn't drive anywhere, didn't want to go anywhere just wanted to sit and drink... We do have more expectations on us as mothers.. But for me those expectations even of myself made me realise I had a huge problem and my kids were suffering... So I'm glad those expectations stopped me falling further than I already had.
Good luck to you ..

gega

Thanks Bettalife,

I can relate to your words. It's been 10 days. A pittance compared to many of the people offering sound advice, but I do feel better.
I need to remember not to forget, and this forum is helping.
I think I also need counseling.