Meraviglioso

After Fabat's kind thread about wondering about others' relapses I decided to come clean right now and admit to what I have done.
I have no excuses, mearly an explanation. Today I got the final word that my EX. EX EX EX business partner will not be paying out the money he owes to clients nor myself. I am therefore out a good €8,000 to make things right for the clients (which I have already paid but was hoping to recoup) and the €5-7,000 he owes me for work done.
I am not totally wasted though truth be told I WANT to be. I just want this to go away. I have so many mixed emotions over this. I am of course furious that this has happened. I also feel very scared. I have about €400 in the bank, not much at all, and am worried about paying my bills, Christmas, etc. My children's father is very wealthy and will never let me drown, I know this, but I have so much pride. Everyone thought I got with him for his money and I have absolutely done my best to live independently without his help since our split to give all of those gossips a big F-YOU! Here in Italy I would be able to ask for an amazing amount of money to not only sustain my day to day life but also to live "at the same level provided by the father" I am talking about major, major money. But I would never, as a matter of dignity, accept that and I have never taken one cent of child support or alimony.
I also feel like a complete and total idiot for ever getting involved with such a scumbag to begin with.
When I lived in the US I worked from age 14, I bought my own car, I paid for my books and my university education, I bought my own house at age 22, I never, ever depended on anyone for anything financially. To have to ask my ex for anything is crushing.
This is just a huge blow in so many ways. I spent so much of my own money to create this business. Of course I am angry and worried about the loss of that money. I also feel deeply sad. I had thought that finally I had found my way here in my adopted country and I would be able to sustain a decent life. But that all went up in flames with the end of the collaboration.
**** almighty, I am just rambling now. I am furious, hurt, sad, embarrassed, annoyed, tired, angry, everything. And, to deal with it all I went straight to the bar and ordered a glass of wine followed by another and another. I hate this bastard with everything inside of me, most of all for this.

Venecia

(((Mera)))

Soberpotamus

Drinking "at" the bastard isn't going to get him back for this, and it isn't going to fix this, Mera. So why do it? The drinking isn't going to get a thing done here, but I know you know that. It's only weakening you.

How about walk outta that bar?

Meraviglioso

God I know, thank God for all of you, I so wish any of you were here to help me. I really and truly have no one I can call. I am sooooo soooo s sooooooo deperate. I cannot believe I left this ****** get the best of be and here I am again. I was doing SO well. I really, really was. You can **** all over me for this post but please believe me I was doing SO well before this. And now this. He won. He won with this ****. It is not the money. For Fcuk's sake I will live, thank god for my ex, but I HATE where I am. I cannot even believe this ****!

Fly N Buy

I'll show them, I'll hurt me!

Painful as life can be, we have to find a way to deal with resentments - they will always pop up. Pride is a killer for me........

Get up, dust off and keep moving

zombob

ouch Mera. I'm not one to say "pour it out now" , but I will ask that you stay close to SR as there are many here who care and can help you through this. You're an asset to this community...I mean that. Godspeed on getting over this hump.

VirginiaWoof

It's easy for us to say 'do this, do that' but we're not on the spot like you. But having said that I'll still say try and stop drinking right now. The only person getting hurt here is you. The last thing you want is your ex-business partner to take your self esteem away. Assume you may bump into him at anytime, you want to be able to look him in the eye and tell him you sure ain't beaten.

Meraviglioso

I hear you Fly N Buy, but WHY di I do this to hurt him knowing FULL WELL it would never hurt him. Thanks to the lawyers we have no contact so he has no idea of the hurt he caused me (financially yes, but drinking, no) He will never know (unless he is stalking me, which is a possibility) that I reacted this way. He is just doing his bit to not pay THE MOTHER ******* PICE OF **** BASTARD, THIEVING ****** that he is. This is ME. I did this. I hurt myself. I ruined the good thing I had going. Sober life has been amazing. I have been handed some difficult situations and issues that I have dealt with yet her the **** I am. Here I am again. I cannot blame him or feel that I am punishing him. I did this for me and to me, How ******* sad.

Meraviglioso

Why? Why why why? This is all my fault, I cannot blame this on another person. This is ME, the ALCOHOLIC. ME ME ME ME. I did this.

Meraviglioso

I have no money, none. This bastard ex partner is completely rich, he could pay the clients easy. I have totally written off the money he owes me. I never asked him for that, he just needs to pay the clients. How can someone do this?????????

Soberwolf

Mera call that place today please I'm sending you a pm its time Mera

Soberpotamus

Mera, I'm not interested in getting all on you about drinking. We are here to support you, and to care.

Why not get out of that bar if you're still there, and pour out any alcohol in your house. Still not sure where you are right now.

This is a situation in which you'll need your full wits to navigate, don't you think?

Why not drink some water and make the right call here. Alcohol isn't going to do a thing for you except give you a headache and hangover, and set you back even further.

Meraviglioso

Oh god, oh god, I never thought I would be this person, so desperate, so in need. I am crumbling I am absolutely dying here. I am a spoiled rotten BRAT. I am a no good for nothing piece of **** nothing. I called the FUCKIGN NANNY to pick up the kids?!?!?!?!?!?!? Do you hear that, I am such a pice of **** mother I hade a god damn nanny that I can call when I a drunk. I am such a piece of **** for ***** sake the god damn nanny is picking up the kids form school. What a worthless piece of pure **** I am. I cannot even pick up my own ******* kids. I want to die.

On The Road

Hi Mera. Drinking's only going to make a bad situation WORSE. Put down the alcohol please.

VirginiaWoof

You are none of those things!! So, you asked the nanny to pick up the kids. It's not like you asked a stranger. It's not like you left them in limbo with nobody collecting them.

You've been dealt a horrible hand and it is not your fault. You CAN draw a line under this. Be it now, in a couple of hours, in the morning.

Please don't be so harsh on yourself

OnMyWay7

Actually I think you're pretty responsible to have the nanny pick them up and not you try to drive them. Relax - take a breath and ask for help. One of my biggest issues was not asking for help. What's wrong with getting some help from the ex if he has money to spare? It's not for you - It's to help the kids out and it's not like you didn't try.

For now - stop drinking - that you CAN do. swallow that pride and take some money to get on your feet - Pride kills.

doggonecarl

Please go home. Leave the bar, the wine, and the self loathing, behind.

Soberpotamus

We are all in need in at times, Mera. There's no shame in that. None of us have it all completely figured out. None of us are covered by limitless backup plans.

Calling the nanny was a responsible thing to do after making your decision to drink.

I hope you get some water and get some rest soon. xoxo.

Nonsensical

Your AV is upsetting me.

Try to calm down. You are taking a long dive into a bottomless bucket of ****, and there is no point to it.

Tomorrow (NOT TODAY) go out and get one of these:


Because somewhere there is something that needs to be in smaller pieces.

Be well.

Meraviglioso

Last night I was watching SOBER I MIGHT ADD, the program True Detective from HBO. It was episode 6 I think. And Rust, the chrachter played by Mattew MachoChey, **** that spelling, whatever, him… anyway, his character was talking about life. And he said that life is one big circle and it repeats and repeats and repeats and we keep living the same thing over and over and over again. And I was there, sober, SOBER I REMIND YOU, and I thought, **** me. **** **** me, if I have to do this oner again I will ******* kill myself. I cannot even imagine having to have to do all this agin. And then I started thinking of my song son, my youngest. I am sure, mother instinct, that my first son is fine, but I am sure, mothers instinct again, that my youngest son will be an alcoholic. I wouldn't wish this on my worst ******* enemy, not even this mother ****** that stole from me, no one, no one. especially not even my own son, And yet here I know that my own baby, my own child just 5.5 years old will be like me. I want to ******* die. I cannot live this life again, his words were so profound and so strong, I have to remember they were only a tv show.