PuzzledHeart

So many things have happened since I last posted. I thought I was dealing with my anger about my sister in an effective manner but I guess I haven't, because here I am nearly 1AM and I'm posting on this board.

For those who don't know my situation, my mother has terminal cancer. My sister abuses pot and practices avoidance and delusion to the nth degree. So even though she lives five minutes from my mom, she had refused in the past to help my dad take care of her. However, at Thanksgiving she finally agreed to help out my mom for two weeks.

My sister has difficulty keeping to a schedule so it wasn't a surprise when she didn't show up the first day. And then she kept thinking that she had to show up at 9:30 instead of 8:30. And when she did stay over, she would only stick around for an hour or so, if she stuck around at all. And so after a week of this my dad told her not to bother showing up anymore. Well I think what actually happened was my dad blew up at her and told her not to show up, because that morning she texted me twice and left me a voicemail to call her back. I texted her back and said that I was going to be in meetings all day but I was sure that she and dad would resolve any argument they had between them. I just couldn't deal with her.

This weekend, I found out why my sister agreed to being with my mom for two weeks. My dad was going to PAY her $20/hr to stay with her. He said that by keeping it to a business transaction, he thought she would stick to a schedule. I told him he was enabling her. And I thought, you're basically paying my sister to love her mom, but I didn't say that because I knew that would get me nowhere.

He also said that she said to him that she's been letting people down because she has so much on her plate. As if I should feel sorry for her because she can't keep her S#@#$@ together? She's unemployed, with two pre-teen daughters who are independent and capable, and she's too busy? And then he said she started blaming my parents for "forcing" us to become roommates when we were in our twenties. Really? Did they stick a gun to our heads and force us to live together? I did it because I knew I would get a break on rent, and I found out (this weekend) that she never paid rent at all! And even with the financial incentive, I ended up moving out because I couldn't deal with her anymore (but not before witnessing her light up for the first time).

And that would have been that, but over the weekend a family friend unexpectedly died. And my husband and I and everybody else is just reeling from the shock. But now my sister is organizing the photo album and she's taking care of everything and I want to scream, you can get yourself together when you have a fricking audience but you can't get it together for your own family? And she makes out my mom to be an evil, judgmental person but the truth is that my mom is basically saying it like it is - my sister had an affair and is now screwing up her life over somebody who has never lived anywhere but his parents' house and is a pothead himself. My sister hates my mom and now me because my mom never enabled her and now I'm so busy taking care of my mom, my family and everything else I don't have time to be the family peacemaker anymore.

I have these fantasies of absolutely losing it at the funeral service and giving my sister a piece of my mind. About how she's so busy screwing her pothead boyfriend that she forgot to feed her family. About how she brags about being happy without money but doesn't tell people that she's been living off her ex-husband and my parents for years. About how she blames everybody for everything but refuses to take responsibility for any choices that she's made.

I want to scream at her and ask her if she's going to blame our friend's wife for not giving him the will to live just as she blames me for not giving mom the will to live (she's in hospice.) I have fantasies of pulling out a home drug test and asking her right then and there to pee into the cup so she can stop lying about not taking drugs. I want to ask her right then and there if she loves sex and drugs more than she does her own children. About how she should never talk about how wonderful pot is because she and her partner are walking examples of what can happen when you bake your head for ten plus years. I have fantasies of provoking her enough to show the tremendous anger that she shows us, the anger that _I_ remember when people tell me how warm and loving she is. I want the world to know what an irresponsible, entitled, doped up, F$#@$ up being she is because I'm tired of people telling me that I should love her and understand her.

In calmer moments, I tell myself that it's not really my sister talking, it's the drugs talking. But my sister CHOSE to do drugs. And when I think that I get angry again.

Sometimes I bite my lower lip so hard that it bleeds. I don't like the person I become when I get angry at my sister, and the logical part of me realizes that if I do lose it at the funeral home the only person who is going to look insane is me.

I know this is complete utter whining but I just want to scream out THIS IS NOT FAIR. Why can't I have a normal sister? Why can't we work together as a team during my mom's illness? Instead, I never ever want to talk to her again. And when my anger is really bad, I wish she would just die so she would no longer be a problem.

And that's when I wonder if the problem is actually me.

I do try to figure out ways to circumvent my anger. I even thought of a system where every time my sister says something particularly moronic I would make the effort to post something nice and encouraging on this board (But lots of times I just end up posting now whenever I feel like it.) I run (which is easy in this weather) and I have a great family. But it's no longer enough and I feel embarrassed that I have to admit that.

Thank you for letting me vent. Now that I've calmed down enough, let me see if I can sleep.

Ann

They say that holding resentments (and anger) is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick.

Maybe seek out some counseling for yourself, to help you get out your issues, old and new, and finally find some peace for yourself.

Hurting her, shaming her, making a scene to embarrass her will hurt you more than it will ever hurt her and serves no constructive purpose.

Sometimes we have to accept, even with gritted teeth, that it is what it is, she is who she is, and trying to change what is not ours to change will only make us crazy. But we can change ourselves, we can learn how to let go of other people and their problems and live in peace ourselves.

I hope you find peace soon, and I send special prayers for you mother and father, this must be a difficult time for them.

Hugs

hopeful4

Know this. That you are here, on this board, at 1am, is a healthy way to seek help. IT's so much better than letting it all bottle up inside you!

I second that you need to get counseling to help you deal with this, who would not? Goodness, I am overwhelmed, and it's not my family.

I think it's really hard, but if I were in your shoes, I would step away from her, 100%. Expect what she gives, absolutely nothing. Even though your mom is sick, she sounds like a smart cookie. She sees what your sister has done and calls her out on it. So what if your sister does not like that. Even when someone is sick, you cannot make their life perfect. I would encourage your parents to keep your sister away from them, as much as possible. It sounds like your dad is a huge enabler, and he is going to have to deal with those repercussions. There is very little likelihood he will change that. So just step away from it.

You deserve a life. You deserve to breathe. Don't lose yourself to your sister's actions.

Many hugs. Keep posting and venting, it's good for your soul.

zoso77

How do you deal with it?

Very carefully.

The most important thing you can do for yourself is to acknowledge the anger and know that you've got legitimate reasons for being angry. Being angry isn't a problem. It's when your anger clouds your reason and your decision making that you get into trouble.

Speaking from my own experience, when my AXGF confessed to multiple affairs behind my back via text message, and with glee, there were a couple of ways I could go at that moment. The first way was to unleash all my anger and get down into the mud with her by insulting her. The second way was to detach as quickly as possible such that the damage was minimized. And I chose the second way.

Why? Well, in that moment I recognized that she was showing me the real her. Drugs were able to conceal the real her, but once she was clean, her Borderline core slowly revealed itself, and it was ugly. So I couldn't personalize what she was doing because at the end of the day, she was (and is) a sick person. So I simply responded with "Goodbye. God Bless." And that was that.

We can't engage with sick people when we're angry. The only thing it does is make us feel worse. And I think you've had enough of feeling bad.

CodeJob

Hello Puzzled Heart.

Writing here when you can't sleep is actually a fine choice. You can come back here and read what you wrote so you recall that you aren't crazy. This is is how it was going down at the time.

I just read this article recently and I'm glad I found an online link for you. It might help you see a way forward via your truth.

The Big Lesson About Happiness We Tend To Learn The Hard Way


peace!

PuzzledHeart

I'm sorry for the delayed response - the death of our family friend really sent us reeling. He left behind a wife and two kids.

There is so much wisdom here. That's all I can say for now. Thank you.

JOIE12

I would continue to do what you do for yourself and your relationship with your mom. Maybe it would help to remind yourself that if your sister didn't exist, you would still be there as much as possible. Your mom will know your heart and I'm sure she knows your struggle. It must not be very easy for her during this difficult time.

I do understand how maddening it is. And it's okay to let it out, every day if you need ... so that you can wake up the next day and face it with love and devotion. When my dad had 3 weeks left, I spent every day with him, every minute that I could. Kids on bus, off to hospital, home to get them off and throw a dinner together, back to the hospital. I'm so grateful that I could do that. I spent a lifetime in those 3 weeks, often sitting in silence while he came to terms with this life event. His only thought was wondering if he was a good enough husband and father. We left everything outside the door before seeing him.

I know that as my abusive ex husband tried to kill me so many times, I know what my last thoughts are ... my children.

It's probably the same for your mom and the stress of her condition is breaking your heart. Be there for her and for yourself. Not for your sister or anyone else. You will feel a sense of peace as you move thru the emotions.

I am sending prayers for each of you and strength too. We are here for you PH, anytime you need us. Hugs to you, Joie