Friend disappointment, or?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 189
Friend disappointment, or?
It told my gf, and co-worker, with whom I have drank many, many times with, that I have quit drinking. She was certainly kind and supportive, but made a comment of disappointment. I was sad and concerned because I care for her very much; we have known each other for a very long time, well over a decade. I don't want to lose her as a friend.
However, I wonder if maybe she got a little scared at my very honest admission, which is also something she has NEVER heard come out of my mouth. Especially since the majority of my drinking this past year, which was almost daily, was with her.
What are your thoughts?
However, I wonder if maybe she got a little scared at my very honest admission, which is also something she has NEVER heard come out of my mouth. Especially since the majority of my drinking this past year, which was almost daily, was with her.
What are your thoughts?
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 740
Originally Posted by Vona71 
...However, I wonder if maybe she got a little scared at my very honest admission, which is also something she has NEVER heard come out of my mouth. Especially since the majority of my drinking this past year, which was almost daily, was with her.
The important thing is that no matter what our friends say or do, we have to stick to our goal--to stay sober.
Delfin
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Casper, WY
Posts: 287
I just took away comments in another thread that said reading minds is a bad idea, so I won't try it here. Without knowing what your friend is explicitely disappointed in, it's hard to speculate.
The others are right about you making sobriety the priority. Drinking buddies are not always friends. I had friends who became drinking buddies, but when they cut back, I stopped being the friend. I also had drinking buddies who I thougbt were friends, but when I quit, they continued and the relationship evaporated. The other side? Now I've renewed a lot of those previous friendships which were affected by my continued boozing.
I wish you the best in it. Some of ypur relationshipa are likely to change drastically, but the poaitive ones will almost certainly be richer and affect you in a much deeper fashion than any you would experience drinking. Hang in there!
The others are right about you making sobriety the priority. Drinking buddies are not always friends. I had friends who became drinking buddies, but when they cut back, I stopped being the friend. I also had drinking buddies who I thougbt were friends, but when I quit, they continued and the relationship evaporated. The other side? Now I've renewed a lot of those previous friendships which were affected by my continued boozing.
I wish you the best in it. Some of ypur relationshipa are likely to change drastically, but the poaitive ones will almost certainly be richer and affect you in a much deeper fashion than any you would experience drinking. Hang in there!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,415
A lot of my friends were disappointed...but a lot more were happy because they thought I was going to die the way I drank...
It's hard when one person in a friendship changes but my real friends supported me,. and yours will too Vona
D
It's hard when one person in a friendship changes but my real friends supported me,. and yours will too Vona
D
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Honestly, for me - so much has changed that many people and the things I found fun are simply gone from my life. Those I drank with was the only thing we really had in common, mostly.
Alcohol was debilitating and on track to shorten my life span - probably will in the end anyhow. That's really sad...........
Glad you're here with us, keep coming back
Alcohol was debilitating and on track to shorten my life span - probably will in the end anyhow. That's really sad...........
Glad you're here with us, keep coming back
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
I was hyper-sensitive in early sobriety. Spent a lot of time wondering what someone really meant by what they said.
Even went off on a couple of the moderators here.
Early days the emotions can be all over the map. Mine were, at least, and I have seen others report the same. Give your friends the benefit of the doubt until Spring. You'll be in a better position to judge their support level then.
Congrats on your decision to live a sober life!
Even went off on a couple of the moderators here.
Early days the emotions can be all over the map. Mine were, at least, and I have seen others report the same. Give your friends the benefit of the doubt until Spring. You'll be in a better position to judge their support level then.
Congrats on your decision to live a sober life!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: virgin islands
Posts: 145
If you worry about what other people think about your sobriety then you are worrying about the wrong thing. When you first make the decision to live a sober life the most important thing you need to focus on is you. It may sound selfish but it is a very important step in your recovery.
Honestly, 99 out of 100 people couldn't care less if you drink or not and most of those won't even notice! It's all in your head.
Now the 1 person who does, isn't really interested in you - they are more likely to be thinking about their own behaviors in light of your decision. Or they could be so self absorbed, as most of us were, thinking only of how it impacts their life.
I'm not necessarily saying that your friend is either of these. It could very well be the case that you over-interpreted their reaction to your decision to quit. For now I'd suggest just forgetting about it and remain focused on your sobriety. This is just one of the many things you will encounter on your path to sobriety. Alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful...
Keep strong.
Honestly, 99 out of 100 people couldn't care less if you drink or not and most of those won't even notice! It's all in your head.
Now the 1 person who does, isn't really interested in you - they are more likely to be thinking about their own behaviors in light of your decision. Or they could be so self absorbed, as most of us were, thinking only of how it impacts their life.
I'm not necessarily saying that your friend is either of these. It could very well be the case that you over-interpreted their reaction to your decision to quit. For now I'd suggest just forgetting about it and remain focused on your sobriety. This is just one of the many things you will encounter on your path to sobriety. Alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful...
Keep strong.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 734
I'm finding it quite difficult with this also as some of my closest friends are also long term colleagues (and relatives) who have been the drinking buddies for many years too - communication on my part is becoming more and more difficult and I'm confused to say the least as I feel its me shutting off from them and they are not sure what to say around me, they are supportive and know I need to make the changes but I am feeling pretty low when around them and definitely bringing the mood down in the office, 31 days now and 3 of the last 4 weekends were planned trips or parties all of which I've dropped out of, normally the talk in the office would have been about what we had got upto or what we were about to do - planning things etc, always something I was heavily involved with and now that's all gone.
Through my own foolish actions due to problems with the drink I'm now no longer part of the social circle that I was always pretty much commander and chief of, feel like I really have lost a massive part of me and struggling to deal with that side of it at present.
I'm working from home each Tuesday and feel much more comfortable here away from everyone and pretty sure they feel the same as they can have the atmosphere in the office that was normal before I was the one that changed - there's no choice and it's for the best of course but its now a month and I really do feel so out of it.
I know there's no way I can go back to that and I've made so many promises both to myself and others that this is how I have to be and want to be also just not dealing with this aspect of it very well at times.
Keep re visiting where I was 31 days ago and how many times I've caused problems / blacked out etc to tell myself there can be no thought of ever going back.
Also taking the positives from how good I'm getting on with my wife and how much happier the home is in general - still need to lift the mood tho and get myself back on track, keep trying to be positive and then slumping back down.
Through my own foolish actions due to problems with the drink I'm now no longer part of the social circle that I was always pretty much commander and chief of, feel like I really have lost a massive part of me and struggling to deal with that side of it at present.
I'm working from home each Tuesday and feel much more comfortable here away from everyone and pretty sure they feel the same as they can have the atmosphere in the office that was normal before I was the one that changed - there's no choice and it's for the best of course but its now a month and I really do feel so out of it.
I know there's no way I can go back to that and I've made so many promises both to myself and others that this is how I have to be and want to be also just not dealing with this aspect of it very well at times.
Keep re visiting where I was 31 days ago and how many times I've caused problems / blacked out etc to tell myself there can be no thought of ever going back.
Also taking the positives from how good I'm getting on with my wife and how much happier the home is in general - still need to lift the mood tho and get myself back on track, keep trying to be positive and then slumping back down.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 189
I am being sensitive. I realize this. I texted her because I thought she was mad at me. Gawd...I am not like that at all. This is a strange feeling being worried about her disappointment, or perceived disappointment. Like AZZIFF I'm gonna start drinking again just so I don't worry about disappointing her?! Crazy Vona!! On a positive note to all this, my other co-worker/good friend, whom I drank with often, was so supportive, and came back to me later in the day to tell me that my admission made her think of her own drinking habits. She said I opened her eyes, especially when I told her of the guilt and shame I felt every time I drank; she feels the same shame. I was very proud of her.
It is difficult for me, the ultra-sensitive feelings. I guess I've been drowning them with booze for so long, I forgot I had them. Ha ha. I wonder though, when am I going to forgive myself?
It is difficult for me, the ultra-sensitive feelings. I guess I've been drowning them with booze for so long, I forgot I had them. Ha ha. I wonder though, when am I going to forgive myself?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: virgin islands
Posts: 145
"...and feel much more comfortable here away from everyone and pretty sure they feel the same as they can have the atmosphere in the office that was normal before I was the one that changed..."
And I thought I was egotistical as I was when I was drinking! Yep, I used to think the world revolved around me and my presence, and that I could control all of it. Believe it or not, the sun will still rise even if you're not the one directing it.
The biggest gifts I've received from sobriety are humility and a clear understanding of what is within my sphere of control, and influence - and it's really not that much!
As an alcoholic I was the center of the universe - now I'm just very grateful to be along for the ride. It wasn't a week, or a month, or two, but much longer before I could really comprehend the change in me. It was only then that I started to discover serenity. And it took being accountable to myself and others for me to start, and remain, on that path.
Keep it going forward - you can't change who you were in the past, but you can be a better you, even just a tiny bit, each and every day in sobriety. Welcome.
And I thought I was egotistical as I was when I was drinking! Yep, I used to think the world revolved around me and my presence, and that I could control all of it. Believe it or not, the sun will still rise even if you're not the one directing it.
The biggest gifts I've received from sobriety are humility and a clear understanding of what is within my sphere of control, and influence - and it's really not that much!
As an alcoholic I was the center of the universe - now I'm just very grateful to be along for the ride. It wasn't a week, or a month, or two, but much longer before I could really comprehend the change in me. It was only then that I started to discover serenity. And it took being accountable to myself and others for me to start, and remain, on that path.
Keep it going forward - you can't change who you were in the past, but you can be a better you, even just a tiny bit, each and every day in sobriety. Welcome.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: virgin islands
Posts: 145
"... I wonder though, when am I going to forgive myself?"
The answer to that is: Starting today.
In the AA program there is a saying "...we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it..". At first I thought, what utter b*s*. I wanted to forget the past. In time I realized that regret and trying to change the past would only lead me back to a drink. We can't undo yesterday, but we can be the best person we can be today.
I've become at peace with my past, but I don't shut the door on it because it is there to remind me what is probably in store for me should I decide to pick up another drink. Believe it or not, it is a liberating conclusion to reach.
I won't go all 'AA' on you but sharing experience, strength, and hope is how the program works. We are not alone in this struggle to find a new way of life without alcohol. There are others who have been there before, one day you will be one to, and your experience can help others.
Start forgiving yourself today. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen.
The answer to that is: Starting today.
In the AA program there is a saying "...we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it..". At first I thought, what utter b*s*. I wanted to forget the past. In time I realized that regret and trying to change the past would only lead me back to a drink. We can't undo yesterday, but we can be the best person we can be today.
I've become at peace with my past, but I don't shut the door on it because it is there to remind me what is probably in store for me should I decide to pick up another drink. Believe it or not, it is a liberating conclusion to reach.
I won't go all 'AA' on you but sharing experience, strength, and hope is how the program works. We are not alone in this struggle to find a new way of life without alcohol. There are others who have been there before, one day you will be one to, and your experience can help others.
Start forgiving yourself today. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Casper, WY
Posts: 287
Originally Posted by anotherquitter
"... I wonder though, when am I going to forgive myself?"
The answer to that is: Starting today.
In the AA program there is a saying "...we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it..". At first I thought, what utter b*s*. I wanted to forget the past. In time I realized that regret and trying to change the past would only lead me back to a drink. We can't undo yesterday, but we can be the best person we can be today.
I've become at peace with my past, but I don't shut the door on it because it is there to remind me what is probably in store for me should I decide to pick up another drink. Believe it or not, it is a liberating conclusion to reach.
I won't go all 'AA' on you but sharing experience, strength, and hope is how the program works. We are not alone in this struggle to find a new way of life without alcohol. There are others who have been there before, one day you will be one to, and your experience can help others.
Start forgiving yourself today. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen.
The answer to that is: Starting today.
In the AA program there is a saying "...we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it..". At first I thought, what utter b*s*. I wanted to forget the past. In time I realized that regret and trying to change the past would only lead me back to a drink. We can't undo yesterday, but we can be the best person we can be today.
I've become at peace with my past, but I don't shut the door on it because it is there to remind me what is probably in store for me should I decide to pick up another drink. Believe it or not, it is a liberating conclusion to reach.
I won't go all 'AA' on you but sharing experience, strength, and hope is how the program works. We are not alone in this struggle to find a new way of life without alcohol. There are others who have been there before, one day you will be one to, and your experience can help others.
Start forgiving yourself today. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen.
Love this. Forgiveness remains a vhoice, and as long as we choose not to TRY to forgive, we remain in our sickness.
Thanks for this.
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