TheRake

I"m in bits

I'm writing this now while I'm in this state.

Another disasterous weekend. Friday I went out and did a twenty four hour drink and coke job. Managed to get into bed at 2am Saturday night/Sunday morning (not my bed.....a kind of ex that I've foolishly gone back to in place of being alone)

Saturday night while walking towards her house and my "friend's" invite to have a few with him (I mean I was undecided and between the two) I said the following to myself:

Wow. I'm actually in shock at the extent I have fallen. Really, really, really....I've fallen way into the mud. I felt awful and I said ok this is it now....I have a choice between life or death.....and I need to choose life so I'm knocking this on the head come Monday.....

Why is it life or death I want to remind myself? Because the river is calling me.....the pull to the river is huge. It's not as if consciously I'm setting out with this intention. It's simply I can feel the pull...

Headed home sunday and the hangover I had I decided on a few cognacs in a bar. A sure why not just buy a bottle and then go home and then go to bed....

all of those things happened exept going to bed.....

I went out. to the scummy bar that I've been going to lately........it's a cocaine den. and I did coke......and then more. Long story short I've got home Monday morning.....

I've missed work and I feel like absolute shlte. I mean really bad....I can't breath and the troath is dry as soil....*

awuh1

You left out something from your description of what happened.

You did not say anything about what happened before you decided to go out on Friday night. Given the method you refer to in your signature line, this would seem to be a crucial part of the story.

IMO it needs to be examined.

Sean30

Hey mate you're at the bottom. This can be your turning point right now. The way you're feeling now doesn't have to happen any more. I'm only early days myself but there are people here that can give you very good advice and guidance.
Hope you can find your feet

TheRake

job is calling me...

TheRake

I had to think of that because I didn't remember...

I went to bed Friday after work after spending two hours eating alone in a cafe....

I kind of had a 'date' which I was in no humour for. Then i decided that I'd be better off going out rather than lying in a depressive state in bed.....

we went to a bar.......she went home and the kind of ex that I'm kind of seeing texed. I'd being feeling down lately and I kind of contacted her and I kind of told her what was going on with the coke and the river and all......I asked her not to tell her friends (apparently they hate me without ever meeting me cause I supposedly treated her bad)

she invited me for a drink.....with her friends......and she had told them. really awkward night and finally I was annoyed with her for telling her stupid friends so I took a cab to a really bad coke bar...

Highwind

sounds like it was a pretty easy decision to drink and drug.....maybe more commitment needed, if we drink every time we feel a bit depressed we will all drink until the end of time.

Fabat50

Sorry Highwind but if all it takes is "a bit more commitment" then we would all be sober forever too, in my humble opinion it is more complicated than that!

OP.. other people on here are qualified to give you advice on the drink and drugs problems. Just one observation from me though... you seem to be in a pretty "high drama" environment right now... "sort of dates"... exes... coke bars... friends wanting you to go back and drink etc. Non of that is conducive to getting on the path to sobriety. Are you ready to step back and make some major life changes to help you get sober? Going out partying, bars, girls.... will be off the agenda for a while if you are serious about this.

Good luck to you.

TheRake

Jesus Christ more commitment needed? I'm not trying out for the school football team. I'm in a hole and I'm struggling to get out of it and I don't know why..

tufty13

Hi Rake,

I've been following your posts since you joined, you're clearly a very clever guy but I think this addiction maybe cleverer than you?

Perhaps you can't do this alone and you should seek professional help?

Also, someone here on SR has a signature.....

"Nothing changes if nothing changes"

I may have missed something but I would question if you've changed a single thing in your life to assist your sobriety?

Best wishes, I really hope you get to where you want/ need to be on your journey.

ubntubnt

hi Rake,
Rabat is 100% right. If you are going to do this then you need to take it as seriously as the life and death decision that it probably is. Forget the bars, casual relationships and partying for a while. Maybe attend AA for some group support, find a sponsor and do the 90 in 90.
You can't maintain the same life but expect to just strip out the booze and voila..it doesn't work like that. Absolutely you would have been better to stay in bed depressed than go out. We have all been there. You are clearly struggling so make a REAL commitment to get sober now, get down to AA and write out your plan.
You can 100% do this but its time to face your reality that you are falling here and its time for some serious changes not a little lip service. Good luck.

TheRake

I know, you're right.

I actually said it to my friend Saturday night. He knows the bar I've been going to (he's from here, I'm not) and keeps telling me to stay away from it. I told him Saturday night "look you see the state I'm in, I've not been to bed, I need to stop drinking" of course he doesn't understand and replied to me, no just knock the coke on the head it's going to lead you to ruin. I stopped him to explain and I kind of lied (by saying I only have a problem since I moved to this city....) I told him look, when I wake up after drinking I'm having these really bad pyscological hangovers.....I get into a panic and I start to drink again.....and I feel "better" after having three rum and cokes....and that is a bloody problem.....and I've started going to that place......I said I need to take a long break and that means not going out......of course he doesn't understand because how could he.....

Yogini1603

Hi Rake

Fabat sounds pretty on point to me. You have a lot going on with dates and exes etc. That's way too much man, and it sounds like you've caught in a cycle.

You feel rough now and that's not necessarily a bad thing because it's brought you here and you want to change. So I'd really recommend making a plan to get sober. It could include support meetings, going to your doctor and getting a referral to a community programme, reading literature on addiction...there's so many options and so many things to try. Give it 100% and you can do this.

Chrissy58

I understand I think what you are trying to say.

I can only speak about me so I will let Rake answer if he wants.

I read that and I felt bad. People can have commitment and want it and then fall into old habits and friends really easy in the beginning of our recovery I have been told.

I had gone 3 days without smoking any weed. My neighbor/friend/dealer called me tonight to see him and I smoked some pot. It didn't taste good or do anything for me. It is not that I am not committed to get my life on tract and moving forward.

I plan on moving to Hawaii near my family sometime in the Spring of 2016. I don't smoke pot when I am with my family and not feeling so lonely. This Christmas I won't be with my family who live in Hawaii, and so yes, I went upstairs to visit my friend. Where I live now I am surrounded by drunks and pot heads. I don't drink but I have a friend who has to have her red wine every night and doesn't have any desire to stop drinking her cheap red wine even though it is sucking the life out of her and she falls a lot.

We all live in the same apt complex, so I didn't fall tonight because I am not committed, but because I need to arrange my move to Hawaii and out of here. I am sure Rake had his reasons too for falling off the wagon this weekend. The main thing is we both came back tonight and are posting here.

To Rake,
I am sorry you are having to go through this too tonight. Tonight we both fell off the wagon but we came here and know we need to start over tomorrow.

We can make it someday. We just have to keep trying when we fall and get right back in the saddle. I believe with time and effort that we will learn from our failures and that will lead us to come up with new plans to try to keep from falling off that wagon.

Good luck.

TheRake

Hi Yogini,

I'm abroad and I haven't bothered to get myself a doctor. Appatently I'll only go to the doctor if my head is falling off. I had been reading a book lately...."alcholism: I'll stop tomorrow" or something like that....which I was actually finding really good......the guy explaining thought processes/shame and things like that which made a lot of sense....

my problem is I'm not controlling my emotions.....they are way out of control and I'm making bad decision after bad decision based on my emotional state and it's having a snowball effect...

I'm feeling rought is an understatement......I'm crashing big time......I spent all Saturday doing coke and drinking.....and this time for the first time in my life I was the leach......another person was buying it and I stayed for the free ride......then I had to go out and do it again last night........"the last one" again........just do it one more and whack the whole lot in one go.........well I did in two goes............three of us doing lines of a windowsill of a pub outside in full view this morning....

how the hell have I fallen this low I can't fathom

Nonsensical

Breathtakingly bad decision making.

Been there, done that.

You have described the problem in wretched detail. Have you thought about the solution? What are you planning to do to get off this carousel?

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

Yogini1603

I definitely understand that your emotions are calling the shots right now, and it's really hard to find alternatives to using, but you sound like a really self-aware person and that will help so much.

Can you get to an AA or NA meeting? It might help to be in a room with people who understand and can support you in person right now.

Gottalife

If the problem is lack of control and choice, then AA might have the solution. It did for me, but then I was pretty badly knocked about. Is it bad enough for you to go to AA?

Highwind

You need to fully commit to sobriety to succeed, if going on a big bender is still an option then you will. In my opinion it isn't more complicated than that, the people who stay sober commit to a new way of life and commit to AA, they work there program every day which takes commitment.

Dee74

Hi The Rake

you may be down but you're not out - there is always hope

Like someone else pointed out, you're clearly an intelligent guy and somewhat of a theorist.

I can identify with that - I tried to think and analyse my way out of addiction but all that ever seemed to do was make things worse.

I really needed to make changes in my life.

I changed nearly everything about myself, but especially the social life/lifestyle component.

It was hard, but I'm glad I did it. Not only might I not be here to to tell the tale if I hadn't but I also found a lot of meaning in life that I'd been missing for a long time.

as regarding 'commitment'

It is a commitment - but its a commitment that goes beyond words and intellectual abstraction.

It's a commitment that is only realised in action and change.

In my humble opinion thats why commitment is so easy to talk about and so simple in theory but so hard to realise in practice.

D

red3215

I completely relate to wanting badly to stop and then slipping. It really does help and might be necessary to make new friends who don't drink or do drugs. I'm in early recovery and cannot be around people who drink or who talk about their drinking right now.

Can you commit to coming to this board first thing every morning? The morning mindset can really set the pattern for the rest of the day. I think that's why some people get up early to exercize. I used to think that was crazy lol.
I'm not promoting the AA program which I'm not sure about yet, but a meeting can help as you find other people to relate too and you might make a new clean and sober friend or two