venting

Old 12-13-2015, 11:39 PM
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venting

Instead of focusing on my husband's behaviors, actions, etc..I've been trying to focus on my own. I'm having a really hard time not letting things get to me (like toys being picked up and placed in the wrong spot, his pile of laundry not being done and in the way, being gone most of the day at meetings and not having time to myself outside of the home). There was a situation that I thought I handled better than what I would have months ago, but it still erks me. It has affected me to the point I feel I'm ruining things. I really want to be a better person and not let things bother me..most importantly, my reaction. I react to anything that is upsetting to me, anything that makes me feel jealous, unloved, unwanted. I react to the distance. I feel in a worse spot now than when he was using. I know I am under a lot of stress (lost my job in october, went for unemployment and it's been issue after issue with that, now the money I relied on to give our girls a Christmas is not there, my parents always have my back but I feel so undeserving of it. Recently diagnosed with shingles and was told stress and a weak immune system can trigger it, my aunt told me I really am under a lot of stress..guess I didn't really realize it until she told me.)
I feel like I'm going backwards, not forward. I feel like my relationship is slipping away. The girls can drive me crazy. He drives me crazy and my family can as well. I just want to be alone most of the time so I don't have to deal with everyone and everything else. I look forward to everyone being asleep so I can just be alone for awhile...until the next day begins. I wake up and get our daughter ready for school and take her, I get our youngest up and do breakfast, diaper change, dishes, clean up, laundry, etc.. I make lunch etc. I pick our daughter up from school. I take care of nap time and rest time. I do dinner, dishes, cleanup, bathtime, bedtime. All while he sleeps, is at meetings, watching TV in the bedroom, or just doing nothing. He didn't even offer to help my dad with decorations outside. He sat around and then left, and then sat around when he got hone. I ask if he can take the trash and recycles out..hell sit around at his leisure until he wants to do it, which most of the time ends up someone else doing it. We sleep with separate blankets, we have for yearrrs. He doesn't cuddle with me, I rub his back and neck if he has a headache or whatever, I don't get that unless I beg, which is stupid anyway for a quick minute massage. And then he wonders why I bitch about everything. I've tried to explain to him why but he just doesn't get it. Of course, I'm sure I don't go about things the best way but come on man!
I can count on one hand the times I have received flowers from him. Majority was because he did something wrong, mothers day, and my birthday. I don't believe I have received a Christmas gift or birthday gift from him, except our first year. Mothers day, my first that's it. Anniversary, what's that? A date where he's had the control to plan and pay, ya right. I know those are materialistic items but I don't ask or want much. What I want is what is shown. But it would be nice to receive a thoughtful gift that I've been dieing for for years but haven't been able to afford due to our issues. But I always find a way to give him what he wants.
I'm pretty lost and confused and losing what's left of my mind. I don't want to go down the path of self destruction more than I have. I don't want to be depressed more than I am. I want to feel some sort of normal and peace. Not chaos and all these negative feelings I have.
If you've made it this far, sorry it was so long. I definitely needed to vent my feelings and frustrations somewhere.
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Old 12-14-2015, 05:31 AM
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It sounds like you are functioning as a single parent with a grown-up who
is contributing nothing to the family
Is he supporting the family financially?
Perhaps in his mind this is "all" he is required to do?

I think I'd be angry and upset too. . .
Since he is now sober, maybe you could think about marriage therapy?
You cannot not get your needs met without exploding down the road.
That isn't good for his recovery either. . .
At least some therapy for yourself would be helpful.
What about making an appointment or going to Al-Anon?
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Old 12-14-2015, 05:53 AM
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I have to thank you for your post! I feel like your saying all the things that are in my head! I guess that doesn't leave me in much of a place to help but I can tell you that I understand exactly what you are going through. With a newly Recovering AH, 2 demanding (yet amazing kids) a house you can't keep up with and what feels like a broken heart, soul, and marriage all rolled into one. I wish I had answers and I hope that through your post I can find some myself! It is a horrible feeling what your going through and I offer you my most sincere apologies!!! I can tell you one thing.... You are doing a good job! Even if every little job we do feels thankless and lets face it.... it is! It still keeps our families going. One thing I try to tell myself is that if I didn't keep doing what I'm doing then I would feel as though I failed my kids. They keep me going... I know that is very little conciliation for how our husbands make us feel right now and for the pain that this season and holiday now represents. I don't have an answer for how to fix that.... I'm sorry. I will be praying for the both of us to find some peace, some joy and some self worth. As much as we feel lost and unloved and unwanted and just plain invisible at times.... We are loved!! Our kids need us and depend on us and we are blessed with parents who know how hard we are working and how very tough things are... Try to sweep the negative feelings away the best you can, I know its hard!! Try to steal a few moments to yourself through out the day to catch your breath and regroup. I find that even looking at the peaceful face of my sleeping 5yr old can do wonders for me. It may make me cry too but sometimes that's good to do too. Again I'm so sorry you feel like you do and I will be lifting you up in prayer!! Thank you for your post!!! You definitely made me feel less alone!! Never give up dear you are far to valuable!!!

God bless you!!
Sarah
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Old 12-14-2015, 06:08 AM
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Hey Iwish, you sound depressed. I don't just mean down because of your circumstances, but actually clinically depressed. You have good reason, but it should be possible to pull yourself out of this hole no matter what your RAH does. Please go and talk to your doctor and if he/she suggests medication for the time it takes you to get some pleasure back into your life, and have enough energy to work on your own ambitions, please don't reject the idea.
Your RAH is adding nothing to family life from the sounds of things, and if you 2 have no intimate life your marriage is going nowhere. You could both try marriage counselling, or if he won't go you could go on your own.
It seems you're so unhappy that something has to give and it's best if you have the chance to sort out your feelings with some professional help before you explode. Another idea is to try Nar-anon. I bet the people there will know exactly what you're going through.
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Old 12-14-2015, 06:29 AM
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Originally Posted by DanielsDad View Post
Hello All, I am a new comer to this site and I have tremendous appetite to learn how to deal with and help my son who is an addict as well as being depressed. I have read a few posts and some of them are going through exactly the same thing as my soon. Will get back later. thank you..
DanielsDad...

Welcome to the Board. I'm going to see if I can move your post so you can have your own thread. Give me a bit...
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Old 12-14-2015, 07:00 AM
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I agree that you may be a bit down. Its difficult when you cannot seem to find a place of peace. I have found that when I have internal conflict .. it can be that I'm in a limbo. A place where a part of me knows what needs to be done but either i cannot make a change yet or am unwilling to face what is really weighing on me. Is it possible that you are feeling sort of inbetween ?
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Old 12-14-2015, 07:10 AM
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"It sounds like you are functioning as a single parent with a grown-up who
is contributing nothing to the family
Is he supporting the family financially?
Perhaps in his mind this is "all" he is required to do?"

You just totally described my AH!!!!! I was a SAHM, so he thought all he had to do was go to work. He would never lift a finger to help me with ANYTHING around the house, ever!
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Old 12-14-2015, 07:52 AM
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Vent away. I was in the exact same position. Married to someone who did not help at all, I mean nothing. I kicked him out (not b/c of that), and my load became so much lighter. I did not have to deal with him and his mess! I know the resentment you feel at having the be the husband and the wife. The stress is so much.

I can only say for me, it got so much better when he was no longer there. Have you communicated that YOU NEED HIS HELP. Just b/c he is working on himself does not mean he does not have responsibilities to take care of.

One time, I went on laundry strike and only washed my daughters and my own clothes. It took him a bit to realize what was going on (I did not mention it, just did it). Once he did, I have to say, he did help out with some laundry for a while LOL.

Many hugs to you. You are not alone!
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Old 12-14-2015, 08:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
It sounds like you are functioning as a single parent with a grown-up who
is contributing nothing to the family
Is he supporting the family financially?
Perhaps in his mind this is "all" he is required to do?

I think I'd be angry and upset too. . .
Since he is now sober, maybe you could think about marriage therapy?
You cannot not get your needs met without exploding down the road.
That isn't good for his recovery either. . .
At least some therapy for yourself would be helpful.
What about making an appointment or going to Al-Anon?
He hasn't had a job in a year. Partially my fault, I suppose. I had an offer for a promotion making almost double the anount, and that would mean he could stay at home and we wouldn't need a babysitter or daycare. I can't rely on him to hold down a job, that's why I took the offer. He ended up quitting his job because the times were over lapping and would prevent me from being able to take the promotion. I've supported our family, taken care of bills and enabled his habbit..when you actually sit down and think about it, $300-$400 A WEEK (just on him!!), is quite a bit of money. How I was able to afford that but still don't have a newer car baffles me...and irritates me. I never wanted to enable him, but got sucked in with the manipulation, broken promises and suicidal threats.

He knows what I expect of him, but he chooses to do things at his leisure, if he does. I expect the very basic of him because that is all he can handle until he proves otherwise. Sometimes I forget and expect him to know when to change the oil in the car, he's a guy, he should pay attention to our only mode of transportation right? Nahhh, I do. Or you know take the trash out, simple right? Nahhh. Help my dad with yardwork, the pool...nah. it's embarrassing to see my sister and her husband come over to help do decorations and the yard, when he lives here. I'm ashamed for him, he can't offer? But he can go outside to make a phone call or smoke a cigarette.

I've been going to al anon for a fee weeks now. The last 2 weeks I haven't gone because I've been sick, our car is not drivable and his meetings alwayyys come first. I've been reading how al anon works, for family and friend of alcoholics. And being on here when I can when he's not around. I feel trapped. Living at home with my parents, our 3 1/2 year old shares a room with us. Our 1 year old has her own kind of room. I have no privacy or alone time or a place I can go to. (Let alone we). Everyone knows our business and when we argue or what's going on with us. Amd then my mom gets involved and feels the need to put her 2 cents in at times. I feel I can't do things my way because it's not my house and it's shared space. He is always gone at meetings. I have a few friends, they don't live close, talk on the phone, but I have no one like he does that can just pick me up and take me away from everything. My first thought is, how are the kids going to be taken care of? My insides feel like they are crawling, just waiting to burst and wreak havoc. I want to get out of here, need to get out of this cage.

Another reply was if I'm stuck in between. Always, from the minute I found out about him using when I was first pregnant. I was just fine before him and then he came into my life and ruined it (with the exception of my girls) or that's how I feel. I wasn't ready for kids and thinking back, I wasn't ready for a serious relationship. I have always thought over the years, would I be better of without him? The answer is yes. However, I didn't think it was fair to just abandon him. I feel he needed me. His kids to keep his eyes open and without us, he would just get nowhere. During a time of complete chaos and mental breakdown, I told him he needed to go, I left the house with our daughter to give him the weekend to pack his stuff and go to his parents. Didn't happen, instead, his mom sent someone who "specializes in working with addicts" to talk to him...ya, a female who was a recovered addict who is a daughter of a friend of his moms. Which is another story of feelings and betrayal. So i tried, didn't work, ended up with him in a psych place for a few days and I missed him terribly and worried about him. Things seemed to get a little better after that, around this time is when he moved from smoking to IV. I lost it, ended up cheating on him not with just one but 2 guys, one if whom I worked with and the other was a past partner. Slept with the past partner, after going to the bar and getting wasted. The other guy, we just messed around. Still consider that cheating. Never have I done anything like this and was totally out of character for me. I felt dirty and ashamed of myself (still do). I felt so bad and guilty, but why should I when I don't know what he's done? Reading messages about would you want to hook up with me and finding girls numbers in his pockets. And reading messages about a having a sexual dream with a coworker...to that person. And then during those "we need space but we are not split up times" he's telling all the people that were not together and I took everything, and left him with nothing and a bunch of lies and talk crap about me..but never did his issues come up. And these girls would feel bad for him!!!! He even went as far as to ditch his daughter for some stupid girl who thought he loved her...again, his mom's idea..her hairdresser, thought they'd get along. See a patterrn? I could keep going, but yes I feel in between. I want things to work, I know time is needed. They say to not make any important decisions this early in recovery. Maybe I'm not working the program right? I figured I'd go to meetings until the end of the year to scope out a sponsor for the beginning of the year. I want my children to be happy and healthy. Out relationship and everything that goes on is affecting our oldest. She picks up on everything now and there's no escaping or hiding it from her. She can be so sweet and loving but if we argue, it's miserable, she turns into what she sees. I feel so bad I have brought children into this type of family life. I never wanted that. I love them dearly and I believe they deserve their father, but he doesn't deserve them if he can't contribute to the family. Yes, stuck in between, been there for years and it's only getting harder.
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Old 12-14-2015, 08:53 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
Vent away. I was in the exact same position. Married to someone who did not help at all, I mean nothing. I kicked him out (not b/c of that), and my load became so much lighter. I did not have to deal with him and his mess! I know the resentment you feel at having the be the husband and the wife. The stress is so much.

I can only say for me, it got so much better when he was no longer there. Have you communicated that YOU NEED HIS HELP. Just b/c he is working on himself does not mean he does not have responsibilities to take care of.

One time, I went on laundry strike and only washed my daughters and my own clothes. It took him a bit to realize what was going on (I did not mention it, just did it). Once he did, I have to say, he did help out with some laundry for a while LOL.

Many hugs to you. You are not alone!
Been there with the laundry strike. Lol. I refuse to do his laundry. I think it's been about 3 months since I started that. It sure has helped by not having that responsibility. If he has no clean clothes, socks, or underwear, it is now his fault and his problem for not taking responsibility for it. I have communicated to him I need his help but it's like he doesn't care. Of course, my way of communicating isn't always the best but I wouldn't be bitching if it weren't for that issue right?! When he was in the halfway house, it was nice to have the bed to myself and not be butt hurt why he won't share a blanket with me but wrap himself up in one. I didn't have to worry about cleaning up behind him all day or trippin over his stuff laying around. Or accommodating his needs. Mom always tells me when he's not around, I'm a much happier person. Sometimes I see it and sometimes I dont.
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Old 12-14-2015, 09:02 AM
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat View Post
Hey Iwish, you sound depressed. I don't just mean down because of your circumstances, but actually clinically depressed. You have good reason, but it should be possible to pull yourself out of this hole no matter what your RAH does. Please go and talk to your doctor and if he/she suggests medication for the time it takes you to get some pleasure back into your life, and have enough energy to work on your own ambitions, please don't reject the idea.
Your RAH is adding nothing to family life from the sounds of things, and if you 2 have no intimate life your marriage is going nowhere. You could both try marriage counselling, or if he won't go you could go on your own.
It seems you're so unhappy that something has to give and it's best if you have the chance to sort out your feelings with some professional help before you explode. Another idea is to try Nar-anon. I bet the people there will know exactly what you're going through.
I have thought about a doctor. Sometimes I wonder if I really am depressed. Sometimes I don't like that's what it is. Other times I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is depression. Back in the day when I was in grade school, I found that self infliction helped me or atleast made me feel better about stuff. My mom took me to a doctor to get meds in highschool. I unwillingly willingly went. Tried a few meds over time and I did not like any of it. Not to mention a pill I had to remember to take. I ended up stop taking any meds and quit smoking pot and cigarettes and stopped drinking and cleared my own mind and ended up being happier than ever before...all on my own. Not sure what happened..guess I fell out of that healthy pattern I was in. Oh wait, I was in my first real relationship of 4 years. After that relationship ended, I was happy again. And then this relationship...
So I'm not completely closed off from meds but I'd rather take a more spiritual, natural, homeopathic route, whatever that may be.
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Old 12-14-2015, 09:07 AM
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To those of you who have been where I am or felt what I've been feeling. I'm sorry! Thank you for reassuring me I am not alone! I don't believe anybody deserves what is been gone through and people who have never been on this position do not understand why we do the things we do and feel the way we do. I just hope, for all us, we find the love, peace, and saneness we all want. More than welcome to message me.
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Old 12-14-2015, 11:19 AM
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To those of you who have been where I am or felt what I've been feeling. I'm sorry! Thank you for reassuring me I am not alone! I don't believe anybody deserves what is been gone through and people who have never been on this position do not understand why we do the things we do and feel the way we do. I just hope, for all us, we find the love, peace, and saneness we all want. More than welcome to message me.
Well, sadly, when the wife of an addict is looking for love, peace and saneness, she often has to leave her AH in order to find it.

And I'm not saying this to be difficult, or to be a downer. I'm saying it because heroin never lets anyone go without one hell of a fight, and most of the time, it doesn't let go at all.

If there's one thing I've learned over the past 5 years (but especially since coming here 4 years ago), it's that life is often not fair. When we marry someone, we think it's going to be for life, right? In sickness and in health? But what happens when one person puts their addiction before their marriage?

Nothing good.

I'm not telling you to leave him. What I am telling you is there will soon come a time when a difficult decision will be waiting on your doorstep. And no matter what you do, it's going to suck. But that's how life goes sometimes, and maybe the thing you least want to do is the one thing you have to do in order to achieve "saneness"...
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Old 12-14-2015, 02:01 PM
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I can say that when my girls got older, they started to resent me b/c they saw the things he did, and they saw me put up with it. It caused a lot of hurt and resentment, they are still in counseling, which is a huge positive. It got so much better once he was out of the home, partly b/c I am a different, happier person.
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Old 12-14-2015, 07:23 PM
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so what IS it you are holding ON to? neither of you are happy....you can barely co-exist. considering your tenuous fractious relationship, it is not healthy for either child to be in the room with you at night. you've already acknowledged that the three year old is acting out.

he doesn't work. he doesn't contribute. he comes and goes as he pleases, while playing the sober card. you went so far as to seek relations with other men to get some momentary connection. you live with your parents, which could be almost ideal for now except for HIM being there.

when people show us who they are, believe them.
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Old 12-14-2015, 07:48 PM
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I agree with Anvil
He's not adding, but sure taking a lot.
This kind of tension is really harmful to children
and isn't good for either one of you.

He's being enabled to not take care of himself or anything,
and you resent getting stuck with the work and the bill
Meanwhile, kids are living in an atmosphere of anger and dysfunction.

Maybe he needs to get into sober living and give you some space
so you can both work on recovery?
This situation doesn't seem like one you can keep it up much longer. . .
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Old 12-19-2015, 05:56 AM
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realize that if you don't believe that you deserve better, look at your children and be aware that they are absorbing all of the negative behavior and will draw down upon that at some point in their lives, it's an awful feeling as a parent. Yes they blame us for everything but I'd rather be blamed for taking them out of this situation than for keeping them in it. I wish you strength as you make a decision that can only bring good things for you and your children.
Hugs IWOS777
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