New and need help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 6
New and need help
Hi--I decided to get connected here online because I feel like I need to seek out all the support I can. I’m feeling lost, and depressed, and such a mix of so many other things.
About me: I am 28 years old and struggling with an addiction to pain pills, specifically Oxy.
I started using them about four years ago; the use was sporadic at first, a drug I used as a treat at a party or way to unwind a few days a month. This sporadic use lasted for a few years...Although the frequency increased over time, from a couple times a month to a couple times a week, I still felt like I had control.
That changed, however, about a year and a half ago. Use became a daily habit. It was extremely upsetting if there were days when I couldn't get it, if the dealer flaked or was out. I experimented with other pain pills, dilaudid, percocet. During a lull in Oxy availability, I started smoking heroin. Although there were periods of daily use with the heroin and dilaudid, it was Oxy that was my love. All the other substances took second place to Oxy.
I slowly began to realize that life without the drug terrified me. With Oxy, I was more energetic, more relaxed, the ideal wife and student. Because I became energetic when I took it, I was productive, cleaning the house and generally becoming a multitasking queen. I started using it to focus while studying, and I moved into honors classes in my university program. I felt happy, or I thought I felt happy. No one would have guessed what was occurring behind closed doors.
For as long as I can remember, I've struggled with a mind that doesn't stop. I have always been exhausted by my mind, which day after day picks everything apart. It never stops. I worry about something I did yesterday, five months ago, five years ago. I pick apart every social situation I’m in. I’m never good enough, I’m always going to mess up. Deep down, I struggle with a deep sense of self-hate and fear that others will find out about the “true” me. My mind has always left me feeling exhausted....With pills, I could breathe. The pills released the tight grasp of my anxiety and obsessive thoughts, so I could live lighter, feel lighter.
I eventually found dealers that always had what I needed, so there weren’t the lulls in use that used to occur when I couldn’t get the drugs. Since they never ran out, I never ran out. I started using earlier in the day. I'd smoke heroin before class, start snorting my pills as soon as I could during the day. I thought life was fine with the pills. Good, in fact. I could get through the day free from my head.
Suddenly, **** fell apart. There was a crisis with drugs, and police, and my husband, and he ended up in the hospital. A lot of really painful stuff at once. Subsequently, our secrets exploded within the family, revealing to everyone what lives we really lead, who we really are.
Things came to a head with the pills, and I was told I had to stop. I was told by my husband that I was never allowed to do them again, and if I were to start using them again, our marriage would be over. The toll of my use was too much for him, and he was feeling like he was losing me, that he already lost me.
I realized how dark things were after my husband told me I needed to stop the pills. I had two choices to make, and both of them seemed like death. I realized I couldn’t imagine life without the pills…Nothing was fun anymore with the pills, nothing seemed to connect me with anyone, nothing was worthwhile without them. At the same time, I realized I couldn’t imagine life without my husband…The relationship I have with him, when it’s healthy, lights up my heart in a way I never imagined. That day, when that realization came, was the first time I actually started researching ways to kill myself. I researched the pills I was prescribed and had access to in the house, or other easily available means to commit suicide. The cliché for me was true: I couldn’t live with them, and I couldn’t live without them. I have never felt so dark and hopeless in my life.
That was a turning point for me. Somehow, I chose to get help rather than choosing the other only valid option I felt, death. I called an opiate treatment center two days before Thanksgiving (only after going out to get more pills, of course). They initially said they didn’t have any openings until the Monday after their Thanksgiving closure. I found myself crying on the phone, knowing that the $200 supply of Oxy I just bought wasn’t enough to get me through until then, and knowing that I would go and get more. The lady on the other end of the phone asked me to hold on; while I was waiting on the line, I couldn’t stop thinking of how hopeless I felt, how much I disgusted myself. She came back on the line and told me they would fit me in the next morning before the clinic even opened.
This was the beginning of my trying another way. I showed up high to the clinic the next morning, not knowing that I had to be clean to start the suboxone they offered. I sobbed in their office when the doctor told me that I had to hand over any additional pills I had or they wouldn’t help me. I begged them to let me keep just a few, and then I would start the medication once I had finished doing them.
But I showed up, and somehow I ended up handing over the rest of the pills. The clinic was forgiving and understanding, and they ended up working with me about getting me on medication. I started the suboxone, and I have been clean from the pills for a little over two weeks. It’s been so rough, but I’ve been trying to stay on track to get better. Right now, I don’t feel a lot of hope. Everything is still dark…I think every feel-good chemical in my brain is currently gone, and I’ve been struggling physically. Right now, nothing is fun without the pills, but I hear that will change.
I’ve been going to groups at the opiate treatment center, but I know I need more support, as they are only one or two days per week. However, I’ve been lost at where I can find this support. When I was young (19), I ended up in AA due to poor life choices and psychiatric side effects I experienced from substances. I needed help, and AA helped in so many ways, but there were many aspects of it that didn’t sit well with me. I was young and not drinking in a healthy manner, but I questioned whether I was truly an alcoholic. To me, there was a difference between being a 19 year-old and using alcohol inappropriately to mask underlying issues, versus being a life-long alcoholic. This questioning was not accepted by the folks in AA around me, as I was told that it was just the disease talking and yes, I was an alcoholic, and I just needed to shut up and listen to the old-timers. I was told I just needed to work the steps harder and really believe how powerless I was. There was a lot of black-and-white there, and there wasn’t room for any grey. I know this helps a lot of people, but it didn’t fit with me. I lasted a good five years in AA, partially because it had been so indoctrinated into me that I was already a lifelong alcoholic.
Since leaving five years ago, alcohol has not even remotely been an issue. I have a half a drink about every few weeks, and I don’t even like the feeling of being drunk. Obviously, life has not been a bunch of peachy rainbows with no issues with substances, and I know that I have a tendency to overdo things in general. And I now know that for me, the pills are a black-and-white issue, that I do need complete abstinence from them because I can’t control my use. But I don’t know that I believe that everything else is automatically black-and-white.
I would return to AA/NA if I truly felt like it were the only option to recover from my pill addiction. But I know it’s not the only option, and I’m ready to reach out to other types of support to see what else is out there. So here I am, exploring Smart Recovery, to find out what else is out there. Things are dark, and I know I need to connect to even have a remote chance of getting out of the darkness. So here I am.
About me: I am 28 years old and struggling with an addiction to pain pills, specifically Oxy.
I started using them about four years ago; the use was sporadic at first, a drug I used as a treat at a party or way to unwind a few days a month. This sporadic use lasted for a few years...Although the frequency increased over time, from a couple times a month to a couple times a week, I still felt like I had control.
That changed, however, about a year and a half ago. Use became a daily habit. It was extremely upsetting if there were days when I couldn't get it, if the dealer flaked or was out. I experimented with other pain pills, dilaudid, percocet. During a lull in Oxy availability, I started smoking heroin. Although there were periods of daily use with the heroin and dilaudid, it was Oxy that was my love. All the other substances took second place to Oxy.
I slowly began to realize that life without the drug terrified me. With Oxy, I was more energetic, more relaxed, the ideal wife and student. Because I became energetic when I took it, I was productive, cleaning the house and generally becoming a multitasking queen. I started using it to focus while studying, and I moved into honors classes in my university program. I felt happy, or I thought I felt happy. No one would have guessed what was occurring behind closed doors.
For as long as I can remember, I've struggled with a mind that doesn't stop. I have always been exhausted by my mind, which day after day picks everything apart. It never stops. I worry about something I did yesterday, five months ago, five years ago. I pick apart every social situation I’m in. I’m never good enough, I’m always going to mess up. Deep down, I struggle with a deep sense of self-hate and fear that others will find out about the “true” me. My mind has always left me feeling exhausted....With pills, I could breathe. The pills released the tight grasp of my anxiety and obsessive thoughts, so I could live lighter, feel lighter.
I eventually found dealers that always had what I needed, so there weren’t the lulls in use that used to occur when I couldn’t get the drugs. Since they never ran out, I never ran out. I started using earlier in the day. I'd smoke heroin before class, start snorting my pills as soon as I could during the day. I thought life was fine with the pills. Good, in fact. I could get through the day free from my head.
Suddenly, **** fell apart. There was a crisis with drugs, and police, and my husband, and he ended up in the hospital. A lot of really painful stuff at once. Subsequently, our secrets exploded within the family, revealing to everyone what lives we really lead, who we really are.
Things came to a head with the pills, and I was told I had to stop. I was told by my husband that I was never allowed to do them again, and if I were to start using them again, our marriage would be over. The toll of my use was too much for him, and he was feeling like he was losing me, that he already lost me.
I realized how dark things were after my husband told me I needed to stop the pills. I had two choices to make, and both of them seemed like death. I realized I couldn’t imagine life without the pills…Nothing was fun anymore with the pills, nothing seemed to connect me with anyone, nothing was worthwhile without them. At the same time, I realized I couldn’t imagine life without my husband…The relationship I have with him, when it’s healthy, lights up my heart in a way I never imagined. That day, when that realization came, was the first time I actually started researching ways to kill myself. I researched the pills I was prescribed and had access to in the house, or other easily available means to commit suicide. The cliché for me was true: I couldn’t live with them, and I couldn’t live without them. I have never felt so dark and hopeless in my life.
That was a turning point for me. Somehow, I chose to get help rather than choosing the other only valid option I felt, death. I called an opiate treatment center two days before Thanksgiving (only after going out to get more pills, of course). They initially said they didn’t have any openings until the Monday after their Thanksgiving closure. I found myself crying on the phone, knowing that the $200 supply of Oxy I just bought wasn’t enough to get me through until then, and knowing that I would go and get more. The lady on the other end of the phone asked me to hold on; while I was waiting on the line, I couldn’t stop thinking of how hopeless I felt, how much I disgusted myself. She came back on the line and told me they would fit me in the next morning before the clinic even opened.
This was the beginning of my trying another way. I showed up high to the clinic the next morning, not knowing that I had to be clean to start the suboxone they offered. I sobbed in their office when the doctor told me that I had to hand over any additional pills I had or they wouldn’t help me. I begged them to let me keep just a few, and then I would start the medication once I had finished doing them.
But I showed up, and somehow I ended up handing over the rest of the pills. The clinic was forgiving and understanding, and they ended up working with me about getting me on medication. I started the suboxone, and I have been clean from the pills for a little over two weeks. It’s been so rough, but I’ve been trying to stay on track to get better. Right now, I don’t feel a lot of hope. Everything is still dark…I think every feel-good chemical in my brain is currently gone, and I’ve been struggling physically. Right now, nothing is fun without the pills, but I hear that will change.
I’ve been going to groups at the opiate treatment center, but I know I need more support, as they are only one or two days per week. However, I’ve been lost at where I can find this support. When I was young (19), I ended up in AA due to poor life choices and psychiatric side effects I experienced from substances. I needed help, and AA helped in so many ways, but there were many aspects of it that didn’t sit well with me. I was young and not drinking in a healthy manner, but I questioned whether I was truly an alcoholic. To me, there was a difference between being a 19 year-old and using alcohol inappropriately to mask underlying issues, versus being a life-long alcoholic. This questioning was not accepted by the folks in AA around me, as I was told that it was just the disease talking and yes, I was an alcoholic, and I just needed to shut up and listen to the old-timers. I was told I just needed to work the steps harder and really believe how powerless I was. There was a lot of black-and-white there, and there wasn’t room for any grey. I know this helps a lot of people, but it didn’t fit with me. I lasted a good five years in AA, partially because it had been so indoctrinated into me that I was already a lifelong alcoholic.
Since leaving five years ago, alcohol has not even remotely been an issue. I have a half a drink about every few weeks, and I don’t even like the feeling of being drunk. Obviously, life has not been a bunch of peachy rainbows with no issues with substances, and I know that I have a tendency to overdo things in general. And I now know that for me, the pills are a black-and-white issue, that I do need complete abstinence from them because I can’t control my use. But I don’t know that I believe that everything else is automatically black-and-white.
I would return to AA/NA if I truly felt like it were the only option to recover from my pill addiction. But I know it’s not the only option, and I’m ready to reach out to other types of support to see what else is out there. So here I am, exploring Smart Recovery, to find out what else is out there. Things are dark, and I know I need to connect to even have a remote chance of getting out of the darkness. So here I am.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Hi Tryingnew - welcome aboard 
I'm not remotely qualified to judge whether you're an alcoholic or not
I have no experience to share with pills, but many will
I'm sure you'll find a variety of approaches and ideas here.
D
I'm not remotely qualified to judge whether you're an alcoholic or not
I have no experience to share with pills, but many will
I'm sure you'll find a variety of approaches and ideas here.
D
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Hi tryingnew2015, welcome to S.R.
I understand your AA experience, and I can see how your use of alcohol could well have been the result of an underlying disorder other than alcoholism, and you experience since seems to prove that.
I am a life long AA member, was a hopeless alcoholic who recovered at the age of 22. Many come in who are younger than that, so age isn't a factor in whether or not we could be suffering alcoholism.
On the other hand, there are many in AA who believe that anyone coming to AA must be an alcoholic, and that simply isn't so. What we AA members ought to be doing is sitting down with the newcomer and the big book and working out what the problem really is. Maybe its alcoholism, maybe it's not. The newcomer can compare their experience with what the book says, and draw their own conclusions.
We are supposed to help the newcomer find the right help, not try and force them into some preconceived idea, or dismiss their experience by calling it denial.
Unfortunately I have no direct experience with pills, I have only observed how difficult they can be to get off. You should find some useful help and suggestions here on this site. All the best,
I understand your AA experience, and I can see how your use of alcohol could well have been the result of an underlying disorder other than alcoholism, and you experience since seems to prove that.
I am a life long AA member, was a hopeless alcoholic who recovered at the age of 22. Many come in who are younger than that, so age isn't a factor in whether or not we could be suffering alcoholism.
On the other hand, there are many in AA who believe that anyone coming to AA must be an alcoholic, and that simply isn't so. What we AA members ought to be doing is sitting down with the newcomer and the big book and working out what the problem really is. Maybe its alcoholism, maybe it's not. The newcomer can compare their experience with what the book says, and draw their own conclusions.
We are supposed to help the newcomer find the right help, not try and force them into some preconceived idea, or dismiss their experience by calling it denial.
Unfortunately I have no direct experience with pills, I have only observed how difficult they can be to get off. You should find some useful help and suggestions here on this site. All the best,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
I have no experience with being addicted to pills but believe that the best way of proceeding would involve the help of other recovering persons, particularly those who had considerable success, as with NA or some other group. Along with this I believe trained medical help, such as that which you are now receiving, is essential, providing a means to taper off and have your intake subject to external control. Prescriptions in limited amounts, renewable only with a doctor's permission. It is crucial to avoid extra supplies obtained from the street. Gradually you should manage to be weaned off the pills and you should feel more comfortable not having them. Exercise would also be important. Counseling to help you with any depression or feelings of social inadequacy.
W.
W.
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
Welcome tryingnew. You've found a good site for support. Have you find the Substance abuse forum? Although not as active I'd post in there too. But don't be afraid to post here too. For most of us alcohol is our DOC but addiction is addiction and most of what works to get through it is common no matter what your DOC is.
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