Update - committed no contact, feels extremely tough
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 19
Update - committed no contact, feels extremely tough
Hi everyone,
I've come a long way since my first post ten days ago. The basic story was that she hasn't stopped drinking, started holding me responsible for "not accepting her", "judging her", "making her feel scrutinized", and being "hot/cold with her". She furthermore "replaced" me abruptly with another guy who she's known closely for a year and who suffers his own addiction / codependency issues, but "accepts her unconditionally".
She and I were scheduled for couples counseling two Thursdays ago. I told her it was cancelled, then went on my own to focus on my own healing. That was the start of me beginning to move on.
We last spoke five days ago (over ***** chat). It was a long discussion and very painful. She kept on pushing how I've never loved her as deeply as this other guy. She also said she never saw herself being what I want her to be: a recovered alcoholic. When I pressed her on that: "do you really not see yourself ever recovering?", she said something even more hurtful: "I do, but only with him. His own efforts at recovery inspire me to think I can do it too". She also said he overdrank the night before and felt "emotionally and physically upset" about it the next day. She tended to him, got him water, then said I never would have done anything like that for her.
At this point I realized hearing from her is intrinsically unhealthy for me. So I told her exactly that. With compassion and care (no anger), I told her: "I need to heal. Speaking to you is hurting me. I love you, but we can't speak until after we've healed, and that's clearly not now. I've blocked you on my phone so I won't be anxious about getting texts from you. Maybe we can speak some time in 2016, but until then: goodbye. I love you". And that was my moment truly beginning to move on.
So guess what? She emailed me three days later (I thought I had made it clear it would be many months, earliest, before we spoke again). It was the day of my company's holiday party. The subject was "Tonight". She said she was fully aware the party was coming up, and so sorry she wouldn't be there. She hoped I'd have a great time. She also (this really offended me) wished that I find wonderful love in my future. Why would she even mention that?
This email was a clear blatant disregard of my wishes, and just had more words that hurt me. Then she emailed me *again*! She said she checked out the party space (since she works across the street) and that it looked like it was going to be a great time, etc. WTF?
I started to compose a response along the lines of "please stop emailing me". Then I sat back a moment, looked at the draft, and just cancelled my reply. I then went onto Facebook and finally blocked her there.
I went to the party, brought a wonderful friend as my date, and had a wonderful night.
That said, this remains extremely tough for me. I still feel horrible on mornings. I still feel really betrayed by her, really confused, really sad, really alone. I'd like to continue using these forums for support, which it's clear to me I'm going to continue to need a lot of. Thank you.
I've come a long way since my first post ten days ago. The basic story was that she hasn't stopped drinking, started holding me responsible for "not accepting her", "judging her", "making her feel scrutinized", and being "hot/cold with her". She furthermore "replaced" me abruptly with another guy who she's known closely for a year and who suffers his own addiction / codependency issues, but "accepts her unconditionally".
She and I were scheduled for couples counseling two Thursdays ago. I told her it was cancelled, then went on my own to focus on my own healing. That was the start of me beginning to move on.
We last spoke five days ago (over ***** chat). It was a long discussion and very painful. She kept on pushing how I've never loved her as deeply as this other guy. She also said she never saw herself being what I want her to be: a recovered alcoholic. When I pressed her on that: "do you really not see yourself ever recovering?", she said something even more hurtful: "I do, but only with him. His own efforts at recovery inspire me to think I can do it too". She also said he overdrank the night before and felt "emotionally and physically upset" about it the next day. She tended to him, got him water, then said I never would have done anything like that for her.
At this point I realized hearing from her is intrinsically unhealthy for me. So I told her exactly that. With compassion and care (no anger), I told her: "I need to heal. Speaking to you is hurting me. I love you, but we can't speak until after we've healed, and that's clearly not now. I've blocked you on my phone so I won't be anxious about getting texts from you. Maybe we can speak some time in 2016, but until then: goodbye. I love you". And that was my moment truly beginning to move on.
So guess what? She emailed me three days later (I thought I had made it clear it would be many months, earliest, before we spoke again). It was the day of my company's holiday party. The subject was "Tonight". She said she was fully aware the party was coming up, and so sorry she wouldn't be there. She hoped I'd have a great time. She also (this really offended me) wished that I find wonderful love in my future. Why would she even mention that?
This email was a clear blatant disregard of my wishes, and just had more words that hurt me. Then she emailed me *again*! She said she checked out the party space (since she works across the street) and that it looked like it was going to be a great time, etc. WTF?
I started to compose a response along the lines of "please stop emailing me". Then I sat back a moment, looked at the draft, and just cancelled my reply. I then went onto Facebook and finally blocked her there.
I went to the party, brought a wonderful friend as my date, and had a wonderful night.
That said, this remains extremely tough for me. I still feel horrible on mornings. I still feel really betrayed by her, really confused, really sad, really alone. I'd like to continue using these forums for support, which it's clear to me I'm going to continue to need a lot of. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
She's pushing your buttons to keep you engaged. If the stick doesn't work, try the carrot. I think going no contact is a good move. I like Bill W here, restraint of pen & tongue (and send button), and its fine to write frequent and lengthy responses as long as they all go into the wastebasket.
As others have said here, recovery looks like recovery.
As others have said here, recovery looks like recovery.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
The pain will pass, and from here it looks like you are handling everything
as well as could be expected--taking care of you, offering her compassion
but not getting caught again in her web.
The pain of a relationship ending hurts no matter what the cause,
but the pain will soften and pass over time.
Her attempts to "reel you back in" were indeed disrespectful of your clear wishes.
Going totally No Contact seems the best response.
Wishing you a much happier 2016
as well as could be expected--taking care of you, offering her compassion
but not getting caught again in her web.
The pain of a relationship ending hurts no matter what the cause,
but the pain will soften and pass over time.
Her attempts to "reel you back in" were indeed disrespectful of your clear wishes.
Going totally No Contact seems the best response.
Wishing you a much happier 2016
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
SomethingOther, I think you're doing great. Hang in! And by all means, come here as often as you need to. Everyone here gets it, and when you share what you're going thru, it almost always ends up helping someone else, too.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
That's what we're here for.
I'm glad you've blocked her, though I wouldn't be surprised if she manages to "run into you" or think of some other excuse (and another way) for getting in touch. If she does manage it, I'd make it perfectly clear that any further uninvited communication from her will be considered harassment and you will obtain a protective order. Harassment/stalking is a basis for a protective order in New York, I believe.
My guess is she is trying to make HERSELF feel better about the way she has treated you. That's her problem, not yours. She treated you like crap, and if she feels bad about it, good--she should. You aren't obligated to soothe her feelings, and it's pretty outrageous (though pretty typical alcoholic behavior) for her to expect you to.
Try to let go, as much as you can. I'm glad you had a good time at your office party. This holiday season my be tough, but be kind to yourself. Making the effort to find small things to enjoy will be well worth it in terms of reminding yourself there is still joy out there to be had.
Hugs,
I'm glad you've blocked her, though I wouldn't be surprised if she manages to "run into you" or think of some other excuse (and another way) for getting in touch. If she does manage it, I'd make it perfectly clear that any further uninvited communication from her will be considered harassment and you will obtain a protective order. Harassment/stalking is a basis for a protective order in New York, I believe.
My guess is she is trying to make HERSELF feel better about the way she has treated you. That's her problem, not yours. She treated you like crap, and if she feels bad about it, good--she should. You aren't obligated to soothe her feelings, and it's pretty outrageous (though pretty typical alcoholic behavior) for her to expect you to.
Try to let go, as much as you can. I'm glad you had a good time at your office party. This holiday season my be tough, but be kind to yourself. Making the effort to find small things to enjoy will be well worth it in terms of reminding yourself there is still joy out there to be had.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Hi Some,
You ARE doing great!! Please see this for what it is, manipulation and quacking. Block her on everything.. Good for you for not responding. She is being extremely disrespectful and I am sure you deserve a hell of a lot better than that! Keep coming back to post, vent, update, whatever! We are here for you!
Take care of you!
Ro
You ARE doing great!! Please see this for what it is, manipulation and quacking. Block her on everything.. Good for you for not responding. She is being extremely disrespectful and I am sure you deserve a hell of a lot better than that! Keep coming back to post, vent, update, whatever! We are here for you!
Take care of you!
Ro
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
That's what we're here for.
My guess is she is trying to make HERSELF feel better about the way she has treated you.
What infuriated me even more was this party was the first event I was looking forward to of just being able to have fun again, enjoy my own life again. She brought herself right back into center focus with that email, like throwing an emotional grenade right into my plans. All after I had explicitly asked her not to do that. I am so glad that I was ultimately able to get past that and have a truly memorable, wonderful night on its own merits.
Try to let go, as much as you can.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
No contact is a part of the process of letting go, and it will allow you to let go more smoothly and quickly in the long run.
I'm glad you had a wonderful time at your party, regardless of her efforts to keep you from doing so.
She's acting out of resentment - that you essentially have drawn the line that it's either you or booze. My ex even told me a time or two that he held that resentment toward me - as well as ackowledging that he knew it wasn't okay, but he still did.
I'm not sure of the email service you use, but many services allow you to block specific senders. If not, mark her emails as spam and let spam auto-delete regularly. It's one thing for you to have the strength to not respond back if no contact is your wish (as it need be), but you don't need to subject yourself to reading what she sends when she decides to blatantly disregard your wishes.
Keep it up! It sounds like you're on your way to getting the peace you need.
I'm glad you had a wonderful time at your party, regardless of her efforts to keep you from doing so.
She's acting out of resentment - that you essentially have drawn the line that it's either you or booze. My ex even told me a time or two that he held that resentment toward me - as well as ackowledging that he knew it wasn't okay, but he still did.
I'm not sure of the email service you use, but many services allow you to block specific senders. If not, mark her emails as spam and let spam auto-delete regularly. It's one thing for you to have the strength to not respond back if no contact is your wish (as it need be), but you don't need to subject yourself to reading what she sends when she decides to blatantly disregard your wishes.
Keep it up! It sounds like you're on your way to getting the peace you need.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 144
She's abusing you verbally,emotionally and psychologically.
Good that you blocked her.
Good that you blocked her.
Originally Posted by SomethingOther
Hi everyone,
I've come a long way since my first post ten days ago. The basic story was that she hasn't stopped drinking, started holding me responsible for "not accepting her", "judging her", "making her feel scrutinized", and being "hot/cold with her". She furthermore "replaced" me abruptly with another guy who she's known closely for a year and who suffers his own addiction / codependency issues, but "accepts her unconditionally".
She and I were scheduled for couples counseling two Thursdays ago. I told her it was cancelled, then went on my own to focus on my own healing. That was the start of me beginning to move on.
We last spoke five days ago (over ***** chat). It was a long discussion and very painful. She kept on pushing how I've never loved her as deeply as this other guy. She also said she never saw herself being what I want her to be: a recovered alcoholic. When I pressed her on that: "do you really not see yourself ever recovering?", she said something even more hurtful: "I do, but only with him. His own efforts at recovery inspire me to think I can do it too". She also said he overdrank the night before and felt "emotionally and physically upset" about it the next day. She tended to him, got him water, then said I never would have done anything like that for her.
At this point I realized hearing from her is intrinsically unhealthy for me. So I told her exactly that. With compassion and care (no anger), I told her: "I need to heal. Speaking to you is hurting me. I love you, but we can't speak until after we've healed, and that's clearly not now. I've blocked you on my phone so I won't be anxious about getting texts from you. Maybe we can speak some time in 2016, but until then: goodbye. I love you". And that was my moment truly beginning to move on.
So guess what? She emailed me three days later (I thought I had made it clear it would be many months, earliest, before we spoke again). It was the day of my company's holiday party. The subject was "Tonight". She said she was fully aware the party was coming up, and so sorry she wouldn't be there. She hoped I'd have a great time. She also (this really offended me) wished that I find wonderful love in my future. Why would she even mention that?
This email was a clear blatant disregard of my wishes, and just had more words that hurt me. Then she emailed me *again*! She said she checked out the party space (since she works across the street) and that it looked like it was going to be a great time, etc. WTF?
I started to compose a response along the lines of "please stop emailing me". Then I sat back a moment, looked at the draft, and just cancelled my reply. I then went onto Facebook and finally blocked her there.
I went to the party, brought a wonderful friend as my date, and had a wonderful night.
That said, this remains extremely tough for me. I still feel horrible on mornings. I still feel really betrayed by her, really confused, really sad, really alone. I'd like to continue using these forums for support, which it's clear to me I'm going to continue to need a lot of. Thank you.
I've come a long way since my first post ten days ago. The basic story was that she hasn't stopped drinking, started holding me responsible for "not accepting her", "judging her", "making her feel scrutinized", and being "hot/cold with her". She furthermore "replaced" me abruptly with another guy who she's known closely for a year and who suffers his own addiction / codependency issues, but "accepts her unconditionally".
She and I were scheduled for couples counseling two Thursdays ago. I told her it was cancelled, then went on my own to focus on my own healing. That was the start of me beginning to move on.
We last spoke five days ago (over ***** chat). It was a long discussion and very painful. She kept on pushing how I've never loved her as deeply as this other guy. She also said she never saw herself being what I want her to be: a recovered alcoholic. When I pressed her on that: "do you really not see yourself ever recovering?", she said something even more hurtful: "I do, but only with him. His own efforts at recovery inspire me to think I can do it too". She also said he overdrank the night before and felt "emotionally and physically upset" about it the next day. She tended to him, got him water, then said I never would have done anything like that for her.
At this point I realized hearing from her is intrinsically unhealthy for me. So I told her exactly that. With compassion and care (no anger), I told her: "I need to heal. Speaking to you is hurting me. I love you, but we can't speak until after we've healed, and that's clearly not now. I've blocked you on my phone so I won't be anxious about getting texts from you. Maybe we can speak some time in 2016, but until then: goodbye. I love you". And that was my moment truly beginning to move on.
So guess what? She emailed me three days later (I thought I had made it clear it would be many months, earliest, before we spoke again). It was the day of my company's holiday party. The subject was "Tonight". She said she was fully aware the party was coming up, and so sorry she wouldn't be there. She hoped I'd have a great time. She also (this really offended me) wished that I find wonderful love in my future. Why would she even mention that?
This email was a clear blatant disregard of my wishes, and just had more words that hurt me. Then she emailed me *again*! She said she checked out the party space (since she works across the street) and that it looked like it was going to be a great time, etc. WTF?
I started to compose a response along the lines of "please stop emailing me". Then I sat back a moment, looked at the draft, and just cancelled my reply. I then went onto Facebook and finally blocked her there.
I went to the party, brought a wonderful friend as my date, and had a wonderful night.
That said, this remains extremely tough for me. I still feel horrible on mornings. I still feel really betrayed by her, really confused, really sad, really alone. I'd like to continue using these forums for support, which it's clear to me I'm going to continue to need a lot of. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
SO,
They say it is hard to get "rid" of an A. Work your program. Do not respond if some how she contacts you. She wants to engage and talk to you, then start a fight. Dont give her the time of day. Her life is probably pretty low now, let her reach out to the "love" of her life. He can "save" her, addicts like taking care of each other.....
Hugs my friend, No new contact means No new hurts!!! One day at a time!!
They say it is hard to get "rid" of an A. Work your program. Do not respond if some how she contacts you. She wants to engage and talk to you, then start a fight. Dont give her the time of day. Her life is probably pretty low now, let her reach out to the "love" of her life. He can "save" her, addicts like taking care of each other.....
Hugs my friend, No new contact means No new hurts!!! One day at a time!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
My ex did a bit of this game when I left, too. The thing I realized is that they need the last word and the control because inside they can't handle we actually have the control. They have no control over their lives...including alcohol...but for so long they controlled our emotions. You're showing strength and self care and real love for yourself and her and she can't do any of that.
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