My son sees the STBAXH as the hero. :(
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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My son sees the STBAXH as the hero. :(
Ok, so as I've said, my STBAXH, hid his alcoholism from everyone, including me for 20+ years. My 19 year old son knew about a year before I found out and my husband bribed him not to tell me. My husband, 6 months into recovery, decided he felt amazing and was leaving me, told my son it was temporary (because he's too much of a coward to just say the truth-ever). From that day on my son stopped speaking to me.
Over Thanksgiving, we had a moment where my SIL, an ACOA, talked to my son, with me and my daughter and her son. My son did alot of crying but no talking, which I thought was a great first step. And i thought we made progress. After thanksgiving he went back to school and again continued to ignore my texts and phone calls. I got no responses.
I asked him to go away with my daughter and I. We'd go skiing. All I got was "No". I said, ok, let's go somewhere warm like Mexico (this was all texts), I got "No". I said, ok, we will hang at home for 3 weeks. I asked him what food he'd like me to buy, what gift he'd like for the holiday, and other questions. No response.
He asked my husband, the hero, to pick him up at the bus. They got here like 930 last night. I had made dinner for my son, but they went out to dinner. I asked my son what he wanted to do tomorrow (which is now today) and he said "nothing. He's going to hang out and then go out with dad" I said do you want to go to the movies with me? "No". I said what will you do for your whole vacation? "Hang out with dad, go to work with him sometimes, stuff like that". And my husband comes from an ENOURMOUS family and a bunch of them, with their kids are going to the Keys and my son is going with them, because everything with my X's family is a party, especially for my kids because there are a ton of boy cousins his age. Staying home, it's just me.
This is all starting to make me feel pathetic, boring and unworthy of being around. And it's making me mad, that the ass that started this whole thing, who I begged not to leave (ugh, i shudder at the thought), and lied to everyone, and has all the other alcoholic traits, gets to "win". He looks like the great guy that got his sh*t together and has this totally awesome single, fun life with all kinds of fun stuff and my son sees me as the b*tch that drove him away and destroyed the family.
I don't want this to be three weeks of depression and hell, but I cannot seem to turn this ship around. How did I pick the losing straw in all of this? Why does my son want nothing to do with me and think his father is the HERO? I know I've written about this topic before and people say that my son will see him for who he is, but I don't think that's true. My husband will do everything in his power not to let our son down right now (even though last night he had to pick him up at the bus and didn't know where to go and called me, but I had no idea because my son isn't speaking to me). My son feels so badly for my husband. He has this unending compassion and empathy for him. And he is so much like him. I'm just really, really angry and sad, all at the same time. And hating my life at the moment and feeling like this is so not fair.
What do I do? Just keep my distance from my son? Or, like a punching bag, do I just keep going back for more? I feel like it destroys a little part of me every time I ask him to do something and he says no. A part of me wants to say "Fine, screw you, go hang with your father", but I would never do that. But it's how I feel. Do you think I should take him to therapy with me? Alone? Not sure he'd even go. OMG, i just feel so dejected and lost and sad. I was doing ok and being around this for 3 weeks is going to be so painful.
Over Thanksgiving, we had a moment where my SIL, an ACOA, talked to my son, with me and my daughter and her son. My son did alot of crying but no talking, which I thought was a great first step. And i thought we made progress. After thanksgiving he went back to school and again continued to ignore my texts and phone calls. I got no responses.
I asked him to go away with my daughter and I. We'd go skiing. All I got was "No". I said, ok, let's go somewhere warm like Mexico (this was all texts), I got "No". I said, ok, we will hang at home for 3 weeks. I asked him what food he'd like me to buy, what gift he'd like for the holiday, and other questions. No response.
He asked my husband, the hero, to pick him up at the bus. They got here like 930 last night. I had made dinner for my son, but they went out to dinner. I asked my son what he wanted to do tomorrow (which is now today) and he said "nothing. He's going to hang out and then go out with dad" I said do you want to go to the movies with me? "No". I said what will you do for your whole vacation? "Hang out with dad, go to work with him sometimes, stuff like that". And my husband comes from an ENOURMOUS family and a bunch of them, with their kids are going to the Keys and my son is going with them, because everything with my X's family is a party, especially for my kids because there are a ton of boy cousins his age. Staying home, it's just me.
This is all starting to make me feel pathetic, boring and unworthy of being around. And it's making me mad, that the ass that started this whole thing, who I begged not to leave (ugh, i shudder at the thought), and lied to everyone, and has all the other alcoholic traits, gets to "win". He looks like the great guy that got his sh*t together and has this totally awesome single, fun life with all kinds of fun stuff and my son sees me as the b*tch that drove him away and destroyed the family.
I don't want this to be three weeks of depression and hell, but I cannot seem to turn this ship around. How did I pick the losing straw in all of this? Why does my son want nothing to do with me and think his father is the HERO? I know I've written about this topic before and people say that my son will see him for who he is, but I don't think that's true. My husband will do everything in his power not to let our son down right now (even though last night he had to pick him up at the bus and didn't know where to go and called me, but I had no idea because my son isn't speaking to me). My son feels so badly for my husband. He has this unending compassion and empathy for him. And he is so much like him. I'm just really, really angry and sad, all at the same time. And hating my life at the moment and feeling like this is so not fair.
What do I do? Just keep my distance from my son? Or, like a punching bag, do I just keep going back for more? I feel like it destroys a little part of me every time I ask him to do something and he says no. A part of me wants to say "Fine, screw you, go hang with your father", but I would never do that. But it's how I feel. Do you think I should take him to therapy with me? Alone? Not sure he'd even go. OMG, i just feel so dejected and lost and sad. I was doing ok and being around this for 3 weeks is going to be so painful.
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I don't think we can answer your why questions, Amy, I am sorry. And I am sorry your son is behaving this way.
It seems right now he is simply not capable of empathizing with you, for whatever reason(s). It may be he isn't capable of handling what is going on between you and your husband right now.
The key is that it is *right now*. Resist the urge to catastrophize what is happening right now into The Way Things Will Be Forever. If it were me in this situation I would go about doing whatever I would be doing if your son were not there. Take care of yourself. If your son has beliefs about who you are that are not true, or not true anymore, the only way those beliefs will be changed is if you show him you are not the person he thinks you are. He may resist giving you a chance to do that, at first, but if you work towards comfort in your own skin on a genuine and sustained level there will be no denying it.
For your own sake, please stop comparing yourself to your ex. Your son will recognize that need to be chosen over his dad and it will just make him withdraw more. Moreover, you are you, and that is good enough for anyone.
Hugs. This was never going to be the most joyous holiday for your family, but try to resist pushing your son to be ready for something he isn't yet.
It seems right now he is simply not capable of empathizing with you, for whatever reason(s). It may be he isn't capable of handling what is going on between you and your husband right now.
The key is that it is *right now*. Resist the urge to catastrophize what is happening right now into The Way Things Will Be Forever. If it were me in this situation I would go about doing whatever I would be doing if your son were not there. Take care of yourself. If your son has beliefs about who you are that are not true, or not true anymore, the only way those beliefs will be changed is if you show him you are not the person he thinks you are. He may resist giving you a chance to do that, at first, but if you work towards comfort in your own skin on a genuine and sustained level there will be no denying it.
For your own sake, please stop comparing yourself to your ex. Your son will recognize that need to be chosen over his dad and it will just make him withdraw more. Moreover, you are you, and that is good enough for anyone.
Hugs. This was never going to be the most joyous holiday for your family, but try to resist pushing your son to be ready for something he isn't yet.
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Oh and no, you should not take him to therapy with you. He is too old to be dragged to the doctor by his mother and his unwillingness will just breed more resentment.
You can ask him if he would like to go with you, but be prepared that based on his behavior up to now, the answer will likely be no.
You can ask him if he would like to go with you, but be prepared that based on his behavior up to now, the answer will likely be no.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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SparkleKitty, thank you. I have to stop comparing myself to my X. You are so right. At Al-Anon one day, a woman said about herself, that she realized she needed to stop "Singing the Hims" which i realized I do as well. I think I completely see myself in relation to him. Not as my own person. I know that is truly my work.
And yes, I have to stop thinking this is forever. While it may not be, for right now it does suck.
I will let him be. It is just sad and I was not looking forward to these holidays this year at all. And media does not help, with commercials with either people in love, or big families enjoying each other. So I try to stick to Netflix and no commercials!!
Today I am taking a silver jewelry making workshop for the day, for me. And I'm looking forward to it. I will continue to do my thing and hope that maybe someday things will change. This is not easy. At all.
And yes, I have to stop thinking this is forever. While it may not be, for right now it does suck.
I will let him be. It is just sad and I was not looking forward to these holidays this year at all. And media does not help, with commercials with either people in love, or big families enjoying each other. So I try to stick to Netflix and no commercials!!
Today I am taking a silver jewelry making workshop for the day, for me. And I'm looking forward to it. I will continue to do my thing and hope that maybe someday things will change. This is not easy. At all.
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Amy, if it were me I'd back off a bit. There's no need to run after someone who isn't responding, or even trying to be polite. I'm not suggesting you freeze him out, but let him make the pace, and remain just a little distant. After all, you're offering him holidays, cooking his favourite food, etc. It's a bit over the top, and in return he's acting like a king.
I agree it's not fair, but I truly think it will work itself through in time. The hard bit is keeping faith that things will eventually improve.
This may not be all about your AH. It's no doubt part of it, but your son might also be flexing his independence muscles in the clunky over-the-top way teenagers do. Show him how people with a good sense of self worth behave.
I agree it's not fair, but I truly think it will work itself through in time. The hard bit is keeping faith that things will eventually improve.
This may not be all about your AH. It's no doubt part of it, but your son might also be flexing his independence muscles in the clunky over-the-top way teenagers do. Show him how people with a good sense of self worth behave.
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I'm so sorry to hear your struggles, Amy. There's just no two ways around it... it SUCKS right now. I think there are sooo many factors going on right now in your situation. Forget your idiot -ex... Let's just talk about you and your son. I think FG hit a big point about your son being in a clunky stage of life now, too. He's an "older teenager/VERY young adult" who is in the midst of family dynamics changing for him, anyway, but throw the separation situation in and his world has been ROCKED. Yes, he blames you right now for "causing Dad to leave" (who knows, he probably told your son those exact words)... but I GARANDAMMTEE YOU he will soon see the light of the jerk his Dad really is. Those times he needs to lean on him while becoming an adult and Dad's just not there for him and Mom's no longer there to pick up Dad's pieces. He WILL see this. And you... you have NEVER gotten to know yourself as an individual! If you got married right after graduating, your only identity is being a couple with him. That too will evolve. Just let the process happen (it does take time). So for now, keep watching Netflix without those sad/annoying commercials (I know EXACTLY what you mean I felt the same way after a divorce), keep doing things where you can meet/connect with people (jewelry class... HOW COOL!!!), and let your son do his own thing for now and be there for him, but don't "do for him" unless he asks (and ask NICELY, I might add... he's being just a tad rude right now). Just give him some space and play a supportive background role at this stage. The TRUTH will be revealed, I promise!
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Great advice up there.
Remember, this kid had a major emotional breakthrough at Thanksgiving. He's not even had time to process any of that--it may take years. I wouldn't even mention the therapist for him--you can say YOU are going, and that it's helping YOU, and if he expresses any interest (asking questions, etc.), THEN you could casually say that if he thinks it might be helpful for him you'd be glad to set up a meeting.
Otherwise, I'd let it go. If he sees that it's helping you he might seek out his own therapist or talk to a counselor at school. I can't imagine his wanting to go see his MOM's therapist--I think most kids would find that a little creepy, to be perfectly honest.
Remember, this kid had a major emotional breakthrough at Thanksgiving. He's not even had time to process any of that--it may take years. I wouldn't even mention the therapist for him--you can say YOU are going, and that it's helping YOU, and if he expresses any interest (asking questions, etc.), THEN you could casually say that if he thinks it might be helpful for him you'd be glad to set up a meeting.
Otherwise, I'd let it go. If he sees that it's helping you he might seek out his own therapist or talk to a counselor at school. I can't imagine his wanting to go see his MOM's therapist--I think most kids would find that a little creepy, to be perfectly honest.
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Amy.....I. of course, agree with all the others.....time and distance is the ticket....
I will go a step further....in terms of your own hurt feelings (and I do understand the depth of your suffering).......
It might be beneficial to seek out a Family Therapist....for just yourself. That person could help you to p rocess the family dynamics that are going on.
I would not recommend that you see a generalist....but, find someone who only does work with families....(they will see you as an individual person).....
Do not see a generalist, or a "marriage counselor" or any other such designation.....it needs to be someone who has their doctorate in family therapy.
I don't say this as a SUBSTITUTE for you going on with your daily life as others, here, have suggested....because I agree with them, whole heartedly.....
But, as something to help you to understand and reframe what is going on in the big picture.......to help you with your feelings of sadness and rejection.....
Look at it this way.....it can't hurt.....
dandylion
I will go a step further....in terms of your own hurt feelings (and I do understand the depth of your suffering).......
It might be beneficial to seek out a Family Therapist....for just yourself. That person could help you to p rocess the family dynamics that are going on.
I would not recommend that you see a generalist....but, find someone who only does work with families....(they will see you as an individual person).....
Do not see a generalist, or a "marriage counselor" or any other such designation.....it needs to be someone who has their doctorate in family therapy.
I don't say this as a SUBSTITUTE for you going on with your daily life as others, here, have suggested....because I agree with them, whole heartedly.....
But, as something to help you to understand and reframe what is going on in the big picture.......to help you with your feelings of sadness and rejection.....
Look at it this way.....it can't hurt.....
dandylion
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Amy
I am right there with you. Right now I have to explain to my 3 kids why I have to financially put myself first and how my former inlaws caused money problems without them realizing it.
As my kids are 20 and 17 I am trying to figure out a way to explain that as young adults they have responsibilities and need to step up. Well this is a problem too because the ex always rescues them. So I think time will help and I just have to find more patience and they will come around when they get a taste of real life.
like you I have no idea what we are doing for the holidays and I am thankful I am working over the holidays.
Take care of yourself
Cricket
I am right there with you. Right now I have to explain to my 3 kids why I have to financially put myself first and how my former inlaws caused money problems without them realizing it.
As my kids are 20 and 17 I am trying to figure out a way to explain that as young adults they have responsibilities and need to step up. Well this is a problem too because the ex always rescues them. So I think time will help and I just have to find more patience and they will come around when they get a taste of real life.
like you I have no idea what we are doing for the holidays and I am thankful I am working over the holidays.
Take care of yourself
Cricket
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Changed people change people.
I've been in Alanon for two years. The first year was a lot of learning how to be willing and accepting reality. It was a life-saver for me. This past year I found a regular home group, got a sponsor and started working the steps. I've more recently have been soaking up what others who have what I want, do on a daily basis. This has been life changing.
All the times I tried to drag others into getting help because we all need it didn't work. Now I'm modeling new actions and behaviors. Recently some others in my family have started in 12 step programs.
In our Higher Power's time and way, not mine.
(((Gentle hugs)))
This too will pass. Taking things one day at a time has much healing power.
I've been in Alanon for two years. The first year was a lot of learning how to be willing and accepting reality. It was a life-saver for me. This past year I found a regular home group, got a sponsor and started working the steps. I've more recently have been soaking up what others who have what I want, do on a daily basis. This has been life changing.
All the times I tried to drag others into getting help because we all need it didn't work. Now I'm modeling new actions and behaviors. Recently some others in my family have started in 12 step programs.
In our Higher Power's time and way, not mine.
(((Gentle hugs)))
This too will pass. Taking things one day at a time has much healing power.
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since your son knew about the drinking problem long before you did, it could be that he feels responsible for helping make sure dad stays on the straight and narrow. and thus wants to stick close to him, keep him in eyesight and make sure he doesn't drink. that would be typical ACOA behavior.
plus who wouldn't want to go the keys with a bunch of peers (boy cousins) and whoop it up? i mean, can you really blame him for that? he's 19, it's the keys, winter break.........
i know this is tough for you and you feel that YOU are the lynch pin here, driving everyone else's behaviors. but it's not true. there are a LOT of dynamics in play, of which your part is actually pretty small. if your AH truly is sober, that is a good thing for the kids, right? just do your thing, don't keep begging your son to DO stuff with you....he's already said no. run on your own timetable, cook what YOU like for dinner, attend the activities that YOU enjoy. go to lunch with friends, go see the Star Wars movie....whatever. this is a season of change.....
as for the whole Christmas thing....I injured my back a few weeks ago and it's a slow recovery process. there are a lot of activities and movements i can't do right now....pretty much anything from the counters down, altho i can sweep for short periods of time. this means my house is not the sparkling gem it should be and i have NO desire to haul out xmas decorations and get them all put up, bending lifting stretching etc. so i begged off having my daughter and her BF over HERE this year....she has graciously offered to host our small christmas eve getogether at her place.
my point is, we can change our routines and even our traditions as it suits us. without guilt. and we can make NEW traditions and find new ways to express and celebrate seasons and events. we can improvise adapt and overcome!
plus who wouldn't want to go the keys with a bunch of peers (boy cousins) and whoop it up? i mean, can you really blame him for that? he's 19, it's the keys, winter break.........
i know this is tough for you and you feel that YOU are the lynch pin here, driving everyone else's behaviors. but it's not true. there are a LOT of dynamics in play, of which your part is actually pretty small. if your AH truly is sober, that is a good thing for the kids, right? just do your thing, don't keep begging your son to DO stuff with you....he's already said no. run on your own timetable, cook what YOU like for dinner, attend the activities that YOU enjoy. go to lunch with friends, go see the Star Wars movie....whatever. this is a season of change.....
as for the whole Christmas thing....I injured my back a few weeks ago and it's a slow recovery process. there are a lot of activities and movements i can't do right now....pretty much anything from the counters down, altho i can sweep for short periods of time. this means my house is not the sparkling gem it should be and i have NO desire to haul out xmas decorations and get them all put up, bending lifting stretching etc. so i begged off having my daughter and her BF over HERE this year....she has graciously offered to host our small christmas eve getogether at her place.
my point is, we can change our routines and even our traditions as it suits us. without guilt. and we can make NEW traditions and find new ways to express and celebrate seasons and events. we can improvise adapt and overcome!
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Amy, I don't have any experience as a mother of teenagers, but I do remember what it was like to be an ACOA teenager. My parents were both alcoholics, and my mother was also very codependent. She spent her life worrying about and trying to fix everyone in the family but herself. I loved her very much, but there came a time as a teenager when I couldn't stand her constant scrutiny of me anymore and distanced myself from her. I wanted to test my independence and figure life out on my own terms, and I found her interference exhausting. Her reaction was to press even harder on me. I remember her crying and begging me to explain why I didn't want to talk to her. This only pushed me away even further. I felt resentful. I felt like worrying about me was an addiction for her, and a way to distract herself from dealing with her own stuff. I think that if she had just left me alone for a while and focused on finding her own balance and her own happiness, I would probably have sought her out eventually. Sadly, she wound herself into such a ball of stress that she developed high blood pressure, and when I was 17 she had a neural aneurysm (caused in part by a combination of stress and alcoholism) that left her paralyzed and with brain damage for life. The morning she had her aneurysm, she had been banging on my door while I tried to sleep, fussing about my grades and trying to convince me to seek help. I still feel guilty about the whole thing sometimes, and wish that she had found a way to turn her determination to heal on herself instead of wasting her energy on me.
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I think it is fair by now to say that your son has established his need for space. It may not be fair or right, and you may be getting the short end of the stick right now, but this is what you're going to need to find the strength to do.
I'll be honest, reading that as a neutral party made me feel a bit overwhelmed. If he's wanting space and time from you, and continually getting texts and messages like that, this will likely serve to do more harm than good.
If you haven't, I'd suggest letting him know that you love him and care about him and you will respect his need for space. Then leave the ball in his court. If those are his wishes right now, it is something that needs to be respected.
Not only that, but it's really important to maintain the parental dynamic. If you're catering to him and changing all your plans to try to meet his needs, that's changing the parental dynamic to make you a friend and not an authority figure. He will need a parent at some point, so that's an important dynamic to keep intact.
And no to the counseling session with him. He's an adult and shouldn't be forced into counseling. it will do nothing good for him, or you.
Just breathe - keep working on yourself. Keep a positive mind. Do what you can to understand how hard this has got to be for both of your kids, and that sometimes they have to find their own way.
I'll be honest, reading that as a neutral party made me feel a bit overwhelmed. If he's wanting space and time from you, and continually getting texts and messages like that, this will likely serve to do more harm than good.
If you haven't, I'd suggest letting him know that you love him and care about him and you will respect his need for space. Then leave the ball in his court. If those are his wishes right now, it is something that needs to be respected.
Not only that, but it's really important to maintain the parental dynamic. If you're catering to him and changing all your plans to try to meet his needs, that's changing the parental dynamic to make you a friend and not an authority figure. He will need a parent at some point, so that's an important dynamic to keep intact.
And no to the counseling session with him. He's an adult and shouldn't be forced into counseling. it will do nothing good for him, or you.
Just breathe - keep working on yourself. Keep a positive mind. Do what you can to understand how hard this has got to be for both of your kids, and that sometimes they have to find their own way.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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Thank you all. I went to my jewelry workshop today as I had planned to. I called my son on my way home and he was going out. I said great, have fun and I'll see you later. I agree with all of you. I've been trying so hard to have some semblance of a relationship with him, that maybe I'm pushing him away. I will ease off and do my life. I will invite him along if he'd like and if not I will continue doing my stuff. Hopefully someday he will come back around. But, it's quite obvious, that right now there is nothing I can do about it.
I will not even mention counseling to him as it was already mentioned at Thanksgiving when he broke down. I will leave it at that.
I just have to say that this all sucks and it's all so damn painful. I look forward to being on the other side of all of this. In the meanwhile, I signed up for another jewelry class next week and will find other things to help me continue moving forward.
I will not even mention counseling to him as it was already mentioned at Thanksgiving when he broke down. I will leave it at that.
I just have to say that this all sucks and it's all so damn painful. I look forward to being on the other side of all of this. In the meanwhile, I signed up for another jewelry class next week and will find other things to help me continue moving forward.
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I think you're doing GREAT, Amy. It may not feel like it, but you are.
Remember, the way your son is acting isn't a personal attack on you. Nor does it mean he's on his dad's "side" in the sense that he approves of how he treated you. To him, his dad is his dad, and he wants to love him. And that's OK--it has nothing to do with his love for you. If you keep that door open, I'm betting he'll come back around before too long.
Remember, the way your son is acting isn't a personal attack on you. Nor does it mean he's on his dad's "side" in the sense that he approves of how he treated you. To him, his dad is his dad, and he wants to love him. And that's OK--it has nothing to do with his love for you. If you keep that door open, I'm betting he'll come back around before too long.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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thanks LexieCat, I think I'm also just shocked at the amount I cry. Sometimes it feels endless. Sometimes I'll just be sitting at a red light and start crying. I was working tonight and a song came on the radio and I started crying. This has got to get easier. It's just got to.
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It will, trust me. Trust US. There are a whole lot of us here on the other side of what you're experiencing right now. It won't last forever. You're doing some great stuff for yourself and it WILL pay off.
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Amy I'll just add that my friends and I who have had teenagers have all gone through versions of this. At the time you think that if you don't keep contact there won't be a relationship at all, because they're not calling you. Not true. The fact is, counter-intuitive as it seems, they act this way because they're secure in your love and can abuse it for a while without dire consequences.
From the adult POV, our duty is to understand, but also teach them manners, which is a vital part of their development. I never rewarded rudeness in my teens, and if they were especially difficult, I would withdraw the sort of extra favours in my power, like letting them use the car. I'd explain why, and strangely didn't get much of push back. It's like they recognised the justice. There was no question of them asking me for something unless they did it politely.
I understand about the crying. After my marriage break-up and associated dramas (there was a third party), I cried every day for 2 years. I remember telling my doc I'd only cried 6 times that day, and I considered that progress. Just sheer misery, but there was a core part of me intact and I gradually pulled myself out with therapy, major life changes, new work and medication for a while. It seems at the time that nothing is working, but if you keep at it, you'll eventually realise it is.
From the adult POV, our duty is to understand, but also teach them manners, which is a vital part of their development. I never rewarded rudeness in my teens, and if they were especially difficult, I would withdraw the sort of extra favours in my power, like letting them use the car. I'd explain why, and strangely didn't get much of push back. It's like they recognised the justice. There was no question of them asking me for something unless they did it politely.
I understand about the crying. After my marriage break-up and associated dramas (there was a third party), I cried every day for 2 years. I remember telling my doc I'd only cried 6 times that day, and I considered that progress. Just sheer misery, but there was a core part of me intact and I gradually pulled myself out with therapy, major life changes, new work and medication for a while. It seems at the time that nothing is working, but if you keep at it, you'll eventually realise it is.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I asked him to go away with my daughter and I. We'd go skiing. All I got was "No". I said, ok, let's go somewhere warm like Mexico (this was all texts), I got "No". I said, ok, we will hang at home for 3 weeks. I asked him what food he'd like me to buy, what gift he'd like for the holiday, and other questions. No response.
This really stuck out to me because its such codie behavior. There are 3 people here you are talking about yet it is ONE person whom you are bending over backward to please. The offer is all about what he wants to do, not what 3 people want to do.
Meanwhile, what about your daughter? What about you?
I hope that you will NOT hang around the house for 3 weeks. Why don't you and your daughter pick somewhere fabulous to go for Christmas as was the plan if your son would participate? I'm sure she would enjoy the same offer. I'm sure it would do YOU a world of good too.
This really stuck out to me because its such codie behavior. There are 3 people here you are talking about yet it is ONE person whom you are bending over backward to please. The offer is all about what he wants to do, not what 3 people want to do.
Meanwhile, what about your daughter? What about you?
I hope that you will NOT hang around the house for 3 weeks. Why don't you and your daughter pick somewhere fabulous to go for Christmas as was the plan if your son would participate? I'm sure she would enjoy the same offer. I'm sure it would do YOU a world of good too.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 508
My situation is complicated but I read your post and saw you have your daughter and then saw no mention of how your relationship is with her, or even how old she is? My eldest daughter is a teenager and I have always been her only full-time parent, her father and I were apart before she was born. We went through the whole court process of deciding what was right for our daughter and one things I learned through mediation was that children suffer from a bond of loyalty when their parents don't see eye-to-eye but the CHILD loves both parents equally - even if the bonding process has not been good or even with other problems within the family. Teenagers need careful handling IMO, I would try to find out what the child would like, without making suggestions, they can be so heavily influenced by outside influences which is the hardest part of anyone's life, growing up within dysfunctional families, all the complications of being a teenager. I hate behaving like my own mother in regard to parenting my children Trying to concentrate my efforts on myself and my daughter, modelling behaviours and doing the good things for me leaves me less time to worry about how the other children are 'going to be' when they get to being grown ups.... Trying to concentrate on my own growth and being available, on my terms, for my other family & friends helps my recovery and offers support as I learn to respect their boundaries too. I'm trying to be empathetic but feel it's not coming across well, what I'm trying to say is 'if you love him, set him free' he will be back for your support as soon as he needs it. Much peace to you at this terribly stressful time Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
P.S. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job and I hope you can find some peaceful respite from the chaos to carry on doing those wonderful things, like jewellery class (well jealous!) which are the key to building a life you love for you
P.S. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job and I hope you can find some peaceful respite from the chaos to carry on doing those wonderful things, like jewellery class (well jealous!) which are the key to building a life you love for you
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