pheasant

Hi I am 51 with a 48 year old drug addict brother who lives with my mother. He has been doing drugs since his teens but the last 10 yrs he is out of control.Xanax has been his drug of choice for a while . He puts himself in and out of re habs but only to relapse 30 days later.He is killing our whole family ,I have a 22 yr old son and a 19 year old daughter who have seen so much at a young age with him. (We also live a block from my mother).My mother is on Dyalis and he does not care she is sick . last week he was arrested 6 am in the morning for DUI after taking my mothers car for cigarettes we sdid not bail him out and my mother got a restraining order on him (thats how bad it is. If i confront him all he wants to do is fight me ,which I am not soundinfg macho but I could crush him but i am trying not to hit him.My mother now feel bad it is the holidays and he has no where to go. he gets out tuesday and is fear he will torture her to let him in. Now mind you he has an RO and could go back to jail for 30 days every time he shows up. He is bi polar and OCD . sad when he is straight he is the nicest guy I am sure like alot of addicts. also while he was in jail this past week we found needles and a spoon in his room. I really have no life anymore worrying about my mother and I have a beautiful family that I cant concentrate on. Please help with any info. Should I be concentrating on ME and not feel guilty. Thanks

JOIE12

she needs to get him out of her house and never let him use her car, etc.

It's so sad when family takes advantage of elderly parents, as she probably feels like she needs to continue being a mom - he's a grown man with medical issues who abuses substances, a danger to himself and those he could kill while driving her car. He needs to be responsible for himself somewhere else. Jail may be his salvation.

I'm sorry that you are stuck in the middle. Doing as you feel you should while watching your mother have to deal with what comes her way, but by her own choice. Would she support having him move out ? Would she stop allowing him to use her car and anything else ?

pheasant

Well she got a restraining order on him so when he gets out tuesday he is not allowed in the house. And to answer about the car no she does not want him driving it > He even takes her keys while she is sleeping

waitingforhope

Is your mother going to let him back in despite getting the RO? I know this is tough, but if she does, maybe you need to consider the effect this has on you and your kids emotional health first if she's enabling your brother. Enabling in it's own way mimmicks addiction and is just as emotionally unhealthy. Anyway you could get her into a support group like Nar -anon? Probably would be a good idea if you went yourself as well as your kids.

FeelingGreat

Pheasant, you say he will 'torture' her to let him back in, so I'm assuming she doesn't want him there but may be afraid to say no.

Can you get her to phone you when he turns up, so you can phone the police? That's assuming she won't phone them herself. Another strategy is to talk to the local police yourself, explain the situation and see if they would be able to check on her.

There's nothing stopping you checking on your mother by phone during the day on Tuesday, or arranging a text in advance she can send you. If your brother is picked up promptly and sent back to jail, he will soon learn not to return.

hopeful4

Here is what I would do, I can only give that.

I would make a list of every homeless shelter and social service program in a 100 mile radius. I would print it off and if he shows up, give it to him. Keep the RO and make sure that you turn him in if he does not stay away. He needs help, but you are not obligated for that help to come from you. He should qualify for free health insurance from the state if he has no income. Give him their number, and tell him to book an appointment with a psychiatrist for help.

I know it's hard, but it sounds like your mom is sick and should not be focusing on this, and you cannot let it take over your life either. It's one thing to help others, but if they don't want to help themselves, there is nothing you can do about it.

Many hugs.