GCousino

So my painkiller/pot addict husband and I just had an argument and his tactics are working and I need talked up.
He and I used to enjoy an out of town event that for 3 years now I have gone by myself. He was always so miserable that I finally decided he wasn't going anymore and I would go alone and enjoy myself. In theory, I thought it would make him realize how bad things were, but instead, he just got to stay home and get high. I actually stopped taking him one year before I new about the pills, I thought he was depressed and was hoping he would get help.
Well, I finally committed to serving him with divorce papers in January 2016 after the holidays. He will be surprised since he does not think I have the balls to do it. Prior to serving him, I will be going to an out of town event without him and will be meeting with out of town friends of his that have no idea about his addiction and our issues. Today, he seen a friend who let him know how myself and all his old friends/wives are going.
The fight:" I squashed what little bit of self esteem he has left, I am getting my revenge for all he's done, he'd kill himself but he doesn't have the guts too, how great he is doing getting off pain pills using no doctors or support and pot with only one slip up, how would I feel if he went somewhere with my friends without him, I could have asked but did not want him to say yes, he's depressed, the worst thing I could have done shoving this in his face like he's dirt...."
Now I'm thinking maybe I did do it in part to anger him. It has become my last hurrah before the hell of the divorce that I am sure is to come. Please tell me I'm ok and he is playing me!

JOIE12

sometimes we make plans with ulterior motives. Revenge, jealousy ... but they are all forms of manipulation.

Sit down with yourself, during daylight hours, not when you are tired - and soul search why you want him to hurt. What it will give you. And if it will bring you peace.

Generally, we can think about things like this as a sidebar but doing them is a whole different beast. I found that contemplating them allowed me to release my own anger and hurt. I never did any of them to anyone ever, and I have always been proud to have handled things with eloquence, forgiveness and compassion. Distance is good too !

I say, go to your event, but do it because you want to. Not because it will make him feel a certain way etc. I have found in life that there were relationships that needed to be let go of, like mutual friends or the partners family members, etc. They just had to end. The dynamics and repercussions only brought more drama.

And go for the divorce because you realize that you cannot be happy and healthy with him. Not because it will garner a reaction.

Wishing you a peaceful and happy Christmas, solace as you consider a divorce and strength during this difficult time. The pain is very real, how you manage it is your choice. Hugs, Joie

GCousino

Thank you.

I don't think I am going for revenge or to hurt him. I went to the same event without him last year, but with my family. I don't think he cares if I go, he just doesn't want me going with his friends. He sees it the same way you do so I guess that's all that matters. I sure don't want this to become another reason to blame for me for our issues.

I will continue to ponder on this, but likely I will not be going.

I have already for awhile been distancing myself from his family. One reason is because I hate lying to them as they do not know about the drugs. The other is that he only talks to them when I remind him about birthdays etc. or comment on how he should stay in touch with them. It has been hard because I used to do a lot with his mom and I feel I have abandoned her especially since he blames her for a lot of his issues too.

This relationship rollercoaster has taken a toll and since I still have 3 weeks until he is served, my guess is the bad ride is not even close to over. I know he will feel that I am abandoning him like everyone else in his life has with a divorce.

I am looking to 2016 to be full of new ventures, hopefully more good than bad. I do know I can't be in this relationship anymore.

AnvilheadII

I know he will feel that I am abandoning him like everyone else in his life has with a divorce.

he has not been abandoned - he has systematically worn them all out! he's being a big BABY.....and refuses to accept his own part.

hopeful4

He is playing you. You would not be doing this if it were not for his own behavior that he is refusing to own. It's easier to blame YOU. It's complete manipulation BS, and you know better than to fall for it. Keep the focus on you, and go forward and tune out his quacking!