Wife Cheated While in Treatment
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 3
Wife Cheated While in Treatment
Hey all. I'll get into the nitty gritty but figured I'd introduce myself first. I used and drank like a fish for a good 10-12 years. I was a functional addict - I completed both a masters and doctorate degree while using. I have a good job. My wife entered treatment after a suicide attempt to escape opiate withdrawals. She is now 67 days clean and sober, I'm right behind her at 61.
The problem: she's very likely going to be kicked out of her program because she had an "inappropriate relationship" with another resident. She lied to me about it and only today came clean, saying they "made out maybe 5 times, never longer than 30 seconds, and swapped love notes for a few weeks." She swears that's all it was. Do I believe her? No. I don't. I want to but after lying to my face I just can't.
I convinced her program director to let her stay on a probationary basis. My feelings range from getting royally messed up tonight, to packing her things and taking them to her mother's house, to trying to forgive.
Her therapist invited me to an AA meeting with her group tonight. The other party was kicked out. She confessed what she had done to the other residents. So they all know. My question is this: do I show up to the meeting? I don't know what the future holds, but I value her sobriety. I want her to succeed. So do I support her and go or let my grief and anger win the argument?
Anyone been where I am? Or does anyone have any advice or insight? I'd appreciate it immensely.
Sincerely,
Jag, the grateful addict
The problem: she's very likely going to be kicked out of her program because she had an "inappropriate relationship" with another resident. She lied to me about it and only today came clean, saying they "made out maybe 5 times, never longer than 30 seconds, and swapped love notes for a few weeks." She swears that's all it was. Do I believe her? No. I don't. I want to but after lying to my face I just can't.
I convinced her program director to let her stay on a probationary basis. My feelings range from getting royally messed up tonight, to packing her things and taking them to her mother's house, to trying to forgive.
Her therapist invited me to an AA meeting with her group tonight. The other party was kicked out. She confessed what she had done to the other residents. So they all know. My question is this: do I show up to the meeting? I don't know what the future holds, but I value her sobriety. I want her to succeed. So do I support her and go or let my grief and anger win the argument?
Anyone been where I am? Or does anyone have any advice or insight? I'd appreciate it immensely.
Sincerely,
Jag, the grateful addict
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
Welcome to the family. 
I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. I can only suggest you protect your sobriety with all you've got. As to forgiving, it's as much for the forgiver as it is the one being forgiven.
I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. I can only suggest you protect your sobriety with all you've got. As to forgiving, it's as much for the forgiver as it is the one being forgiven.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Ky
Posts: 2,043
Welcome Jag,
It is going to help you if you go. You know you must take care of yourself. Don't make hasty decisions on the next move. Feel it out. Infidelity in my relationship and we are working it out. It's hard on both sides I will tell you that. As bad as you feel she feels that too. The problem isnt the "affair". That's the result. The problems were there that set the foundation for the affair. It can be worked out. Talk, see what progresses. What's in your heart? Besides crushing hurt, betrayal, anger? Do you truly love her and want to be with her? The affair isn't the issue. I want to repeat that again. It's not the cause, it's the effect. We've been married 20 years.
It is going to help you if you go. You know you must take care of yourself. Don't make hasty decisions on the next move. Feel it out. Infidelity in my relationship and we are working it out. It's hard on both sides I will tell you that. As bad as you feel she feels that too. The problem isnt the "affair". That's the result. The problems were there that set the foundation for the affair. It can be worked out. Talk, see what progresses. What's in your heart? Besides crushing hurt, betrayal, anger? Do you truly love her and want to be with her? The affair isn't the issue. I want to repeat that again. It's not the cause, it's the effect. We've been married 20 years.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Welcome to SR Jag.
Congratulations on 61 days clean!!! My friendly suggestion is that you keep posting on SR both on this forum and also in the friends and family forums.
I would also suggest that you do not attend this meeting at her rehab. At 2 months clean, you are still fragile and need to focus on your own recovery.
Like you I am a double winners and there is a slogan for people like us:
Put your oxygen mask on first.
My suggestion for you is to stick with being clean and keep the focus on your own addiction. You don't have to pack up her stuff today but you also don't need to go through the stress of supporting someone else and going to that meeting where you private laundry will be exposed in public.
Check out this part of the forum too.
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Congratulations on 61 days clean!!! My friendly suggestion is that you keep posting on SR both on this forum and also in the friends and family forums.
I would also suggest that you do not attend this meeting at her rehab. At 2 months clean, you are still fragile and need to focus on your own recovery.
Like you I am a double winners and there is a slogan for people like us:
Put your oxygen mask on first.
My suggestion for you is to stick with being clean and keep the focus on your own addiction. You don't have to pack up her stuff today but you also don't need to go through the stress of supporting someone else and going to that meeting where you private laundry will be exposed in public.
Check out this part of the forum too.
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
Hi JaguaVai
Yeah no offence to anyoen who posts otherwise, but you need to bunker down and focus on your recovery right now, I think.
You're already angry and kinda thinking about drinking...being in the same room as your wife right now may not be the best thing for either of you.
Your wife has all the support she needs right now - make sure you do too.
I'm sorry for what happened but it's unfortunately pretty common. Rehab is kind of an insulated unreal environment, people are scared and hurting and missing a buzz...
Don't misunderstand me - it doesn't make these dalliances right, but I can understand why they happen.
D
Yeah no offence to anyoen who posts otherwise, but you need to bunker down and focus on your recovery right now, I think.
You're already angry and kinda thinking about drinking...being in the same room as your wife right now may not be the best thing for either of you.
Your wife has all the support she needs right now - make sure you do too.
I'm sorry for what happened but it's unfortunately pretty common. Rehab is kind of an insulated unreal environment, people are scared and hurting and missing a buzz...
Don't misunderstand me - it doesn't make these dalliances right, but I can understand why they happen.
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: San Diego
Posts: 94
That type of betrayal is the worst kind mainly because it shows you that she didn't even give a single ounce of care about your feelings. People that cheat on their SO are the worst, their action basically screams that they don't care AT ALL about how you feel.
Also, I had an ex that said she only "kissed"- they won't admit it, but they had sex.
Also, I had an ex that said she only "kissed"- they won't admit it, but they had sex.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 3
Thank you for your reply. I'm touched by the quick and heartfelt responses. This means a lot to me. I ended up not going. Like someone said, all my dirty laundry being aired in a room full of people in different phases of recovery, some very new, and the gossip mill of a rehab she is in - no thanks. I didn't want to show up and have her think that my presence meant acceptance or forgiveness. I don't want her to think I believe her when she says they just kissed. And I want her to feel my absence. I'm not a door mat. I love her like I've never loved anyone or anything before. We have six kids together and there's nothing I wouldn't do for her. I want her to taste life without the family for a while. She needs to feel the sting that I've felt.
I don't say that to be vindictive, I'm not an angry person and I don't hold grudges. Forgiveness and reconciliation are a very real possibility. But not over night. And certainly not before I get an actual and honest story. No more half truths or bull crap answers. I want details, without them my brain will create them for her and that's likely not going to help anything.
She is not on any sort of birth control. She hasn't been with me in months and she's ridiculously fertile (we have six kids under age ten). There's one way in another few weeks that the truth will reveal itself, one way or another.
I've worked too hard for my sobriety. I take it seriously, if I pick that garbage back up we will lose everything. It's a miracle I remained employed through all of my days of living an unmanageable life. And my babies deserve a sober and functional parent.
I can't choose her actions for her. She can. We will see what the future holds, without my vices.
Thank you all for reaching out. I'm so humbled and grateful to have found this community.
I don't say that to be vindictive, I'm not an angry person and I don't hold grudges. Forgiveness and reconciliation are a very real possibility. But not over night. And certainly not before I get an actual and honest story. No more half truths or bull crap answers. I want details, without them my brain will create them for her and that's likely not going to help anything.
She is not on any sort of birth control. She hasn't been with me in months and she's ridiculously fertile (we have six kids under age ten). There's one way in another few weeks that the truth will reveal itself, one way or another.
I've worked too hard for my sobriety. I take it seriously, if I pick that garbage back up we will lose everything. It's a miracle I remained employed through all of my days of living an unmanageable life. And my babies deserve a sober and functional parent.
I can't choose her actions for her. She can. We will see what the future holds, without my vices.
Thank you all for reaching out. I'm so humbled and grateful to have found this community.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I've worked too hard for my sobriety. I take it seriously, if I pick that garbage back up we will lose everything. It's a miracle I remained employed through all of my days of living an unmanageable life. And my babies deserve a sober and functional parent.
:
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 309
I just read this and I think you made a good choice not going to the meeting. As others here have said, focus on your own sobriety. She's in rehab and has lots of support, your sobriety is the priority for you right now.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by JaguaVai 
I ended up not going.
With two new to recovery -- the road can be very rocky at times.
Take good care of yourself
and I hope that the two of you grow together in your recoveries.
MB
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 507
Hi JaguaVai,
Just want to say hello, and to say how much I admire your attitude. Staying focussed on what you have control over, and not rushing to judgment about your wife's actions, but being willing to wait to see what the future brings is really quite humbling to read. I really hope everything works out well for you.
Just want to say hello, and to say how much I admire your attitude. Staying focussed on what you have control over, and not rushing to judgment about your wife's actions, but being willing to wait to see what the future brings is really quite humbling to read. I really hope everything works out well for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 3
I continue to be touched by the kindness you're all showing me. It's not always easy for me to get to meetings because of work and kiddos, but the support I feel from all of you is truly magnificent. Thank you for caring for a recovering drunk you've never met and know very little about.
I stumbled across an email that the other guy had written my wife, in which he called her "lover," and said "can't wait to see you" and "I love you." We had couple's therapy today and I had her read it out loud. I wanted to know if the story she had told me was true, how can the wording in his email be justified? She said he's a chronic liar, and nut case and blah blah blah. So I told her that if she wouldn't tell me the truth, I bet he will.
I thought long and hard about sending him an email, posing as my wife. I'd ask him some questions, or even better - set up a meeting. I'm ashamed at this but honesty is important: she asked how setting up a meeting would benefit anything and I told her I'd beat the crap out of him until he told me what I needed to hear. Problem solved! Thank God for clarity, if I wasn't clean and sober I probably would have done it. But I've learned that anger is too destructive. Getting angry and pummeling someone isn't going to help me stay away from my vices. Or jail.
So I asked what she wanted and told her I won't stand in her way of anything. She asked if she could check out and come home now so we could fix our marriage. I told her she's free to check out, she's an adult and responsible for herself, but she would not be welcome in my home if she didn't finish her program. Our paths may have already begun drifting apart. I don't know. But I feel I should do what I can to help her get strong and clean, regardless of the outcome.
In summary: the serenity prayer has gained powerful meaning for me these past few days.
Thank you all again. You've given me hope for my future. The support of those who've made it past 64 days is an inspiration. I hope you all realize the good you've done in my life.
Jag
I stumbled across an email that the other guy had written my wife, in which he called her "lover," and said "can't wait to see you" and "I love you." We had couple's therapy today and I had her read it out loud. I wanted to know if the story she had told me was true, how can the wording in his email be justified? She said he's a chronic liar, and nut case and blah blah blah. So I told her that if she wouldn't tell me the truth, I bet he will.
I thought long and hard about sending him an email, posing as my wife. I'd ask him some questions, or even better - set up a meeting. I'm ashamed at this but honesty is important: she asked how setting up a meeting would benefit anything and I told her I'd beat the crap out of him until he told me what I needed to hear. Problem solved! Thank God for clarity, if I wasn't clean and sober I probably would have done it. But I've learned that anger is too destructive. Getting angry and pummeling someone isn't going to help me stay away from my vices. Or jail.
So I asked what she wanted and told her I won't stand in her way of anything. She asked if she could check out and come home now so we could fix our marriage. I told her she's free to check out, she's an adult and responsible for herself, but she would not be welcome in my home if she didn't finish her program. Our paths may have already begun drifting apart. I don't know. But I feel I should do what I can to help her get strong and clean, regardless of the outcome.
In summary: the serenity prayer has gained powerful meaning for me these past few days.
Thank you all again. You've given me hope for my future. The support of those who've made it past 64 days is an inspiration. I hope you all realize the good you've done in my life.
Jag
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