Priscilla84

Second day of total NC. Nothing to brag about, I know. He did reach out yesterday and I considered responding but didn't. So that's a baby step for me. I'm slipping deeper and I'm scared it's never going to feel better. I think a roadblock I am having is a feeling that I am not worthy of feeling better.

I'm in counseling, going to Al Anon and Nar Anon meetings, and seeing a psychiatrist next week. I'm taking the steps, but I think there is something inside me telling myself that I deserve this pain because I am a loser.

I felt pretty okay about myself before. I've overcome a lot in life, worked hard to get a great job, I considered myself intelligent, funny, talented. I used to enjoy work and time with friends. But because he left me, because I was the one rejected, I'm the loser here. I feel unworthy now. I feel like an inferior human being.

So here is my question, and I know it may be a stupid one, but I really need thoughts on this for some reason right now: We hear the phrase "because he is an addict and that's what addicts do." It seems like a lot of the stories I hear are of people living with an addict spouse/bf/gf and going through such hell that THEY leave the relationship and the addict is still coming around trying to convince them to let them stay." But my AXBF was the one who ended the relationship and refused to give it another try or be around me because he just wants to drink and get high and doesn't want to have anyone depending on him. He said he doesn't want love or a serious relationship, he just wants to be superficial with people he doesn't really care about.

So is that something addicts do too? Do addicts ever cut and run from people they love when addiction takes over? Does feeding the addiction make it easy to totally walk away from people they love?

Eauchiche

Dear Priscilla
I am SO sorry for the reasons that brought you here. I can safely say that ALL of us understand the pain.
Part of your feelings is the truth. Their addiction is more important to them than anybody or anything in the whole wide world. The part where you view yourself as a loser, however, is a lie. A winner does just what you are currently doing!
Congratulate yourself that you are taking steps to get well!!!

zoso77

It's not a stupid question.

It's important to understand that active addiction is a state of being where there is no responsibility or accountability. There is only the next drink, or the next drug. It's like operating in a chemically induced cocoon where the day-to-day slog of real life and the people within in are outside of it, and the addict's on the inside, hermetically sealed. And at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if you ended it or he ended it because you'd still be experience the same onslaught of emotions: confusion, pain, anger, etc.

When we have to remove someone from our lives who matter to us a great deal, it is never a pleasant experience. Drugs or no drugs, it sucks to have to do that. In my own life, the past 5 years have been, in one form or another, a state of grieving. I don't think we ever get over losing people we love, whether it's by a breakup, or by death, or by being forced to put space between them and us. But what we can do is adapt to a new life.

Will you be the same? No. But then again, you wouldn't want to be. My hope for you in time is you'll be wiser, more self aware, and more decisive when it comes to what you're willing to tolerate and what you're not. It'll take time, but if I can get there, so can you.

Priscilla84

I almost wish I had spent some time in a relationship with him while he was in active addiction. I wish I had bad memories. I wish we had ever had a fight or he had ever walked out and disappeared for the night, or lied, or stolen from me. Something. I wish the relationship had become unbearable. Then maybe I'd have some relief being away from it. But all I have is great memories of a great guy. Then one day he was gone and it was over. It's hard to find anything good about being out of a relationship that was always a source of good feelings.

AnvilheadII

i think it is helpful to remember that people break up ALL the time without addiction to point to or "blame". people are fickle creatures. people change their minds. people make good choice and bad choices. and somewhere in there sometimes relationships take a beating.

everything has a beginning, a middle and an end. the challenge for us comes from the fact that WE do not autonomously get to choose when each of those events happen. because we do not live in a vacuum. there will always be other people at play, messing with our plans, having their own opinion, asserting their own rights.

Key to any grieving process are the 3 M's:
To Miss
To Mourn and
To Move On

learning how to do that takes time and effort.

Priscilla84

Yes, I have been on the receiving and giving end of several of those break ups.

But this guy was loving and committed and consistent every day for 14 months, then after a stressful argument went out with old friends and did drugs again. The next day not only was he over our relationship, but all his values and everything that had been important to him. He didn't just leave me, but went back to substances he had refused to touch for years, showed up to family events with his daughter high as a kite, driving under the influence with his kid In the car, almost losing his job because he is doing drugs at work and stealing money, etc.

So maybe drugs had something to do with changing his feelings toward me and our relationship. Yeah if it's over it's over so what does it matter why? But it does. If drugs can possibly account for his sudden change and disregard for me then that can give me some comfort and help me to not take it personally, maybe. Maybe it's sad and pathetic of me to "blame" drugs. But I am sad and pathetic.

Refiner

To me, it's simply that addicts are VERY selfish people. The only care in the world is that they get their DOC. They don't care about themselves. They don't care about others. He pretty much just told you that straight up in what you wrote. You deserve a better partner than a selfish one.

Txhelp

If you are going to get in the way of their habit...they may have to leave you or blame you for using. At least that they way my husband reacted.

We get in the way of his new girlfriend (drug/drink). Yes, the change can be abrupt and change your partner from a loving, caring person to a angry, reactive, take-no-responsibility for anything person.

If a miracle happened and your partner turned a 180, would you take the chance of this happening again a year from now?

I wouldn't...the pain is to great.

JOIE12

you remind me of the push and pull of daily life with someone as they fell deeper into drugs.

They are incapable of caring. The drug changes the mind. Removing the drug does not repair that. It's always one hit away.

This is not to remove hope that someone can achieve recovery, but to be realistic.

My exABF, was a great guy. Dynamic, funny, spontaneous, devoted father, loved to sing and dance, good friend, good at his job and so very intelligent. He suffered an life event that he could not manage. One drug led to another. He had essentially given up. I would see flashes of the person that he used to be. I would see the torment of hurting those that he loved. Draining money and patience and health from everyone. He was at a loss to end this mess and could not devote himself to being clean.

He was loving and generous - was -

Eventually he fed me what would keep me around. Keep the enabling. He knew it ripped me apart but was unable to stop it. They become a shell of the person that they were before. And we are helpless to do anything but stand by and watch them self destruct or walk away. No contact, nothing.

It wounds our self esteem. It hurts us so deeply that we start to believe that we are not good enough for anyone. It's evil. No one can understand what you feel unless they have been thru exactly what you have but you are not alone. You are still the same lady as you were before you met him. Changed but wiser. You just need to find her and bring her back out of the shadows. The addict gave you something that you needed. Like a drug. And that something wasn't real. but YOU are. For me, I became addicted to the affection and the reward system. Like a mouse in a maze with food rewards along their path. The mouse will run to complete exhaustion, near death, to collect each treat. They find that they cannot live without the brain chemicals released when each reward is received.

You will learn to grow into yourself again. You will learn to enjoy your own rewards in life. You will be proud again. It will take time, please be kind to yourself. Share as much as you feel safe doing. Let those painful moments out. Keeping them inside does so much damage and brings a sadness that feels like it will never end. We are all here for you. SR is a place where you can express as you need. I found solace in knowing that a few people knew what the real deal was. They were bluntly honest and shared so much of themselves with me.

Hugs to you, Joie

PuzzledHeart

I know this probably has been said before, but it's worth repeating: Please don't blame yourself for his decision. His choice to take drugs was HIS choice, and it's easier for him to blame you for his decision than to admit responsibility for himself.

Have you ever heard the phrase "Correlation does not causation?" In this case, the juxtaposition of your relationship with his choice to take drugs, does not mean that your relationship with him caused him to abuse drugs again.

My sister has abused drugs in the past, and I strongly suspect she's using again. One thing I do notice is that she has a habit of cutting down people she perceives are stronger than her. She does her best to avoid people who aren't afraid of calling her out. She surrounds herself with people who won't criticize her so right now her friends are people who 1) don't know her that well 2) live too far away to see what she's like on a daily basis 3) are too strung out to be in a position to criticize her.

I have a feeling that your ex sensed a certain strength in you, and decided to cut things off before you could truly confront him with his choices. And it's easier for him to draw a spurious correlation and blame an external force (unfortunately, it's you) rather than do the hard work of trying to figure out why he made that choice again.

I know it hurts. But you can make it to the other side. Everybody else here has said it so beautifully.

Hugs to you.

PS. SOMEWHAT OFF TOPIC - If you have an odd sense of humour, google "Spurious Correlations" and you'll see a whole bunch of data charts showing stuff like "Divorce Rate in Maine vs. Per Capita Consumption of Margarine"). If you're not careful, you can make an explanation out of anything.

Priscilla84

Thank you. The pain is so bad today. I couldn't sleep last night. I wake up with anxiety and just lay there and my mind won't turn off. I can't find relief. I can only remember the good times. How good he was to me. The holidays are really hard this year without him. And knowing he doesn't miss me.

Is this normal? Have others felt this all consuming pain that seems like it is never going to end? I seriously feel no hope that I will ever feel okay again. No hope that I will ever trust again.

PuzzledHeart

When my ex-fiance dumped me the day after the wedding invitations came out, I never felt so utterly humiliated and lost. He even took the time to write a letter to my dad telling him how much he liked him but hated me. He basically ghosted me - and since he had moved to the other side of the country (I was supposed to follow him) that was it. I walked through the remaining year and a half in a fog. I filled out three journals in one month, and would go on six hour hikes during the weekend just so I could get on the hilltop and cry my eyes out. I even entered into another relationship that was just so cold and pointless, that I still shudder when I think about it. I wish I could tell you that I had a definite plan to get myself through it, but the truth was I didn't. And when I did have a plan, a deathbed promise put that plan on permanent hold. I just got up in the morning, threw myself into work, and tried to find something of value in each day.

I found out later my friends actually cried in relief when they got the news that the wedding was over. But even that didn't heal the hurt in my soul.

Fast forward ten years later ALMOST TO THE DAY. I was rushing out of a library when he ran into me. He profusely apologized for everything he did. I muttered something like "Well I suppose we did bring out the worst in each other." It was my attempt to be gracious. But all this time, I kept thinking, "Will he just leave me alone? I really need to get lunch." All the scenes I imagined in my head ten years ago, the scenes that would give me "closure", became just irrelevant. He had closed me off, but he closed me off because it hurt too much for him to acknowledge the pain he had caused me for no good reason. My closure? I wished him well, and then went off to my life.

And then I had lunch with my husband and baby.

Priscilla84

I'm so jealous of him. I know he is out there having a great time. High, drunk, happy, smiling, laughing, doing whatever he wants. He doesn't have to feel the pain of the break up. He gets to shut his feelings off overnight and just forget me. And I have to be responsible and go to work and be a grown up. And people probably admire him thinking he is such a fun guy and I was bringing him down. And I get people looking at me like I am a loser because I was rejected.

I want to feel nothing. I want drugs to make me happy. I want to forget him and everything we shared. I want it to be meaningless to me too.

PuzzledHeart

Heartbreak is such a bitch, and the happy memories are the worst. The WORST.

You are feeling the pain now, but believe me when I tell you he is going to pay a very high price for what he's done. He's rugsweeping the pain to get through the day, but that pain will just get bigger and bigger until it explodes in his face. If you go through the pain now, it will tear your guts apart, but you can use that experience to make you stronger. I know this sounds just like a platitude but in my case it was absolutely true.


Believe me when I tell you that I've been there. My ex-fiance (and my sister, the reason why I'm on this board) were/are extremely charming, charismatic individuals, and I felt I could never hold a candle to them. But by the time I met my ex-fiance ten years later, he had lost contact with many of his friends who were his tribe (I actually saw one of his friends, who was a sex/drug addict and pulling six figures a year, working as a supermarket cashier. We were too mortified to say anything to each other.) My sister is no longer close with many of her friends. They just consider her lost.

The people who matter TO YOU won't consider you a loser. They will consider you lucky and fortunate that he's out of your life. You can't concern yourself with your ex's merry band of enablers. And some of them may still be friends with him even if they are trying to be friends with you because they don't know how to handle this situation, so they handle the situation by not making any decision at all.

As much as you want to make this meaningless, please don't. You are a person with a good, kind heart - and you gave it to somebody who was afraid of that goodness and kindness. Don't turn cold. You can turn inward to heal, but don't turn cold.

I don't know you at all but I wish I could give you a hug right now.

Sunshinestorm

I think for some addicts, including myself at a time, there are breakthroughs when we can see what we're doing. My gut instinct when I read this is that he wants more for you than to suffer through as you had been with him. I hope this helps.

duchessnoir

I'm dealing with a similar experience. He had a fix-needing flipout on me and ended it. I think he might have tried to come back if I hadn't pulled the nuclear option by telling his father about his addiction. But I am feeling very rejected and depressed about it. He says he hates me, and that's really hard to take. I think he does/did love me, but his addiction has him by the balls, and deep down he knows that his addiction wrecked us. He just can't bear to admit that.

Maybe your AXBF is just trying to cover up what he knows deep down to be the truth--that he CAN'T be with you or anyone else because of his addiction.