Stuck in my self imposed prison
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: NY
Posts: 8
Stuck in my self imposed prison
Three years ago I walked away from the worst relationship of my life. My axbf put me through hell. He lied to me, stole from me, basically made me question my entire existence. I did everything I could do to move on. I struggled with my demons and thought I came out on top yet here I find myself, back down in the trenches again.
About a year ago I decided it would be a great idea to reach out again. Don't ask me why I did it. Truthfully, I never really let things go. I was two and a half years out and thought I would be safe. The thing I am slowly starting to learn is that I will never be safe from this man. He is my weakness. I managed to keep a small semblance of distance from him. He went away on a "state sponsored vacation" for a while and I managed to stay strong and stay away. But literally the first day he got out he decided he needed to call me. And I caved and went crawling right back.
The issue this time? He needed a place to live. And I reluctantly provided this to him. He seemed better. Healthier. I couldn't imagine turning him away. And when he first moved in it was great. I should note here that we are not together. He has been involved in a relationship since not long after we split up years ago. This... complicates things.
Now I have this sneaking suspicion he's falling back down the rabbit hole. There is no definite proof. He's not stealing from me. He's paid me back some money that he owes me. These are all different behaviors for him. It feels like he's trying to prove himself to me in some ways. But I can't help but suspect that things are just not right. I have heard rumors he is using again and some of his behaviors scream relapse. I'm just so confused right now. I don't want to be the one who doubts him while he is trying, but is he really?
So where do I go from here? I suppose I just needed to vent all of this. I'm working with a therapist right now. I'm trying to make the right choices. Selfishly, I still want him around even though I recognize I hopelessly codependent. I care too much and I don't know where to draw the line with him.
I guess I'm just looking for someone who might understand. I'm surrounded by people who have never encountered addiction. They don't understand why I do the things I do. Truthfully, I don't know if I do either. He's the only person who I have ever let influence my life so much. I feel weak and broken and lost most days. And I don't know how to make it better.
About a year ago I decided it would be a great idea to reach out again. Don't ask me why I did it. Truthfully, I never really let things go. I was two and a half years out and thought I would be safe. The thing I am slowly starting to learn is that I will never be safe from this man. He is my weakness. I managed to keep a small semblance of distance from him. He went away on a "state sponsored vacation" for a while and I managed to stay strong and stay away. But literally the first day he got out he decided he needed to call me. And I caved and went crawling right back.
The issue this time? He needed a place to live. And I reluctantly provided this to him. He seemed better. Healthier. I couldn't imagine turning him away. And when he first moved in it was great. I should note here that we are not together. He has been involved in a relationship since not long after we split up years ago. This... complicates things.
Now I have this sneaking suspicion he's falling back down the rabbit hole. There is no definite proof. He's not stealing from me. He's paid me back some money that he owes me. These are all different behaviors for him. It feels like he's trying to prove himself to me in some ways. But I can't help but suspect that things are just not right. I have heard rumors he is using again and some of his behaviors scream relapse. I'm just so confused right now. I don't want to be the one who doubts him while he is trying, but is he really?
So where do I go from here? I suppose I just needed to vent all of this. I'm working with a therapist right now. I'm trying to make the right choices. Selfishly, I still want him around even though I recognize I hopelessly codependent. I care too much and I don't know where to draw the line with him.
I guess I'm just looking for someone who might understand. I'm surrounded by people who have never encountered addiction. They don't understand why I do the things I do. Truthfully, I don't know if I do either. He's the only person who I have ever let influence my life so much. I feel weak and broken and lost most days. And I don't know how to make it better.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I feel weak and broken and lost most days. And I don't know how to make it better.
I know the draw, when my son wanted to come live at home I thought "if he has a loving home, good diet, warm bed and safe surroundings...where I could keep an eye on him and monitor his behaviour, he will be okay, I CAN save him." Each time my home turned into a war zone and it ended badly.
Putting some space between you and letting time tell you which path he is choosing may be the healthiest choice for you. Give it some thought. The pain of change is rarely as bad as the pain of staying in the dark world of addiction.
Good luck.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 146
Is he still in another relationship while living with you? Even as roommates, I don't see how it can be healthy for either of you considering he was your ex-boyfriend. Letting him back into your life will only complicate things and make it harder to move on.
What are some of his behaviors that are screaming relaspe?
I was once heavily involved with a friend who was a drug addict and thought he was the King of my world. He has been recently released from prison and swears never go back to the hell that he was sucked into. As much I want to believe & trust him, I don't want to deal with emotional roller coaster it has put me through.
So, I've slowly have let him go upon his release. A few of things he's already doing that may lead him into a relaspe is he has gone back to his ex-fiancee who is an alcoholic. She's a long-time family friend. I recently saw them together and he had been drinking then driving home. They had split before because his drug use was spiraling out of control and stealing money from her. So only time will tell what may happen. They haven't moved in together yet so their relationship is still in the honeymoon phase. Doubt he is any kind of program. He thinks it can be done on his own willpower.
What are some of his behaviors that are screaming relaspe?
I was once heavily involved with a friend who was a drug addict and thought he was the King of my world. He has been recently released from prison and swears never go back to the hell that he was sucked into. As much I want to believe & trust him, I don't want to deal with emotional roller coaster it has put me through.
So, I've slowly have let him go upon his release. A few of things he's already doing that may lead him into a relaspe is he has gone back to his ex-fiancee who is an alcoholic. She's a long-time family friend. I recently saw them together and he had been drinking then driving home. They had split before because his drug use was spiraling out of control and stealing money from her. So only time will tell what may happen. They haven't moved in together yet so their relationship is still in the honeymoon phase. Doubt he is any kind of program. He thinks it can be done on his own willpower.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I'm in a similar position- trying to accept that my soon-to-be ex-husband is my weakness. No matter how strong I get when we're apart, I know he can shatter all that confidence and turn me back into putty in his hands.
I know this- but that doesn't mean I don't fantasize about us getting back together all. day. long. This man almost killed my son, he stole from our family, he lied, betrayed- and this is the man of my dreams?
It took some tough love from a different forum to set me straight. A poster told me that if I reunited with him she hoped CPS would take the kids away from both of us. This shook me to my core. It was him that had the problem! I had tried everything in my power to fix him, and I had taken several steps to ensure that my children were safe around him- short of actually getting them away from them. And guess what? That's really the only way they could be safe! So all of the steps I'd taken were just me lying to myself, and choosing him. Sad.
Get out, get out. You're in a sick situation. You may see this, but not fully. I know I still don't completely see my truth. Every time I tell my story I feel like I must be exaggerating or making stuff up out of thin air- because that's what he had convinced me for so long!
It sounds like you don't have kids together, so no contact is a blessed possibility. You can do this.
I'm in a similar position- trying to accept that my soon-to-be ex-husband is my weakness. No matter how strong I get when we're apart, I know he can shatter all that confidence and turn me back into putty in his hands.
I know this- but that doesn't mean I don't fantasize about us getting back together all. day. long. This man almost killed my son, he stole from our family, he lied, betrayed- and this is the man of my dreams?
It took some tough love from a different forum to set me straight. A poster told me that if I reunited with him she hoped CPS would take the kids away from both of us. This shook me to my core. It was him that had the problem! I had tried everything in my power to fix him, and I had taken several steps to ensure that my children were safe around him- short of actually getting them away from them. And guess what? That's really the only way they could be safe! So all of the steps I'd taken were just me lying to myself, and choosing him. Sad.
Get out, get out. You're in a sick situation. You may see this, but not fully. I know I still don't completely see my truth. Every time I tell my story I feel like I must be exaggerating or making stuff up out of thin air- because that's what he had convinced me for so long!
It sounds like you don't have kids together, so no contact is a blessed possibility. You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Sorry you are struggling. I struggle as well with my husband (now separated and on the way to divorce).
I ask myself:
1. What's in it for me? (nothing much)
2. Even if a miracle occurred....would I want to go through this again in a year or two etc? (nope)
3. Even if he is in recovery there is a whole bunch of work to be done on his end....do I wait for that recovery to show that he can be a true partner? (may never happen)
4. and in your case....he's attached to someone. Why give him shelter and take on more pain?
I ask myself:
1. What's in it for me? (nothing much)
2. Even if a miracle occurred....would I want to go through this again in a year or two etc? (nope)
3. Even if he is in recovery there is a whole bunch of work to be done on his end....do I wait for that recovery to show that he can be a true partner? (may never happen)
4. and in your case....he's attached to someone. Why give him shelter and take on more pain?
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I couldn't imagine turning him away.
And when he first moved in it was great.
My guess as to why you couldn't imagine turning him away was because you didn't like how it felt when you went there. Perhaps you felt guilt. And in a moment of vulnerability and (let's face it) denial, you reopened that door. It seems innocuous at first, and we tell ourselves we can handle whatever happens...
...until we can't.
Do what's right, not what makes you feel better.
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