So I haven't been around much
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
So I haven't been around much
It's been a crazy second half of this year. I think our collective mental health issues in the family are (knock on wood) somewhat in balance (if not under control), but it's been a very, very long haul.
One of the kids has been through hell and back and I'm basically broke, broke, broke, flat broke and have more medical debt after that than I get paid in a year.
But at the end of the day, I have gotten to a point in recovery where I have moments of serenity; where I accept where I end and other people (even the ones I gave birth to) begin; where I can pat myself on the head and quote me some Al-Anon sayings and put myself to bed instead of freaking out.
My kids are almost grown, and they're individually wanting to have their own individual relationships to their father. It's very hard as their mother, remembering what they went through, to sit and hear them say "maybe now he would be the father I always wanted" and know that any time they contact him, they set themselves up for monumental disappointment.
But I have also gotten to a point in my recovery where I can let them do that. And be there and listen when they are broken again and have to start over with picking up the pieces again.
So yeah. It's not easy, but we're moving forward. And I'll try to pop in more often. Because I have missed you guys.
One of the kids has been through hell and back and I'm basically broke, broke, broke, flat broke and have more medical debt after that than I get paid in a year.
But at the end of the day, I have gotten to a point in recovery where I have moments of serenity; where I accept where I end and other people (even the ones I gave birth to) begin; where I can pat myself on the head and quote me some Al-Anon sayings and put myself to bed instead of freaking out.
My kids are almost grown, and they're individually wanting to have their own individual relationships to their father. It's very hard as their mother, remembering what they went through, to sit and hear them say "maybe now he would be the father I always wanted" and know that any time they contact him, they set themselves up for monumental disappointment.
But I have also gotten to a point in my recovery where I can let them do that. And be there and listen when they are broken again and have to start over with picking up the pieces again.
So yeah. It's not easy, but we're moving forward. And I'll try to pop in more often. Because I have missed you guys.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
We've missed YOU--I was so happy to see your post and just hadn't had a chance yet to welcome you back!
Sorry for the ups and downs, but glad to hear things are settling down. The debt sucks--any chance it can be negotiated? I hear that's sometimes possible with medical bills.
Sorry for the ups and downs, but glad to hear things are settling down. The debt sucks--any chance it can be negotiated? I hear that's sometimes possible with medical bills.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Lillamy-have missed you and your insights. I'm sorry to hear of the struggles but happy to hear the hope and wisdom in your words. It's hard to see and know the disappointment that's coming...but that's theirs to figure out and address. You are doing great!!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
So good to hear from you! Sending best wishes and hugs.
My kids - my grown daughter especially - have suffered from the wistfulness of reaching out to their dad and then suffering the almost inevitable pain of it not working out. It is a longing that we can't prevent them from having, and that we can't protect them from. Like you, I have been there and am still there to help them pick up the pieces.
It's stuff like hearing a voice recital (that is the culmination of years of work for a college degree) that was fabulous, and he picks out to mention that the second phrase in the first song was a "little flat". Or volunteering to drive her home from college with all her gear, then declaring that he was too tired to drive all the way to my house, unpacking her gear all over his driveway, and going to sleep. Took me and my second husband hours to get there, reload her stuff in our cars, and take her home.
I don't say he's a bad guy - he's not. He was never an addict or alcoholic, just a self-centered immature guy who really doesn't understand how people react to his behavior and how he hurts them. Kind of a Mr. Magoo who goes merrily along his way while behind him, trains crash, bridges fall, and he never notices it. Even when his kids are in the debris.
I may gently say, as my daughter talks about being in contact with him, "that's fine, and you might want to remember that while he doesn't necessarily mean to hurt you, he often does inadvertently. That's not your fault, and not a measure of who YOU are. It's just who he is." I try not to be a naysayer, but just to lower the expectations a bit so that the inevitable fall is not as long or hard or deep.
And then, like you, pick up the pieces with them later. Lots of counselling, trying to get a base line that is realistic in their hearts of what they can expect versus what they want and need(ed) from a father, and as many tools as possible to deal with the vulnerability of feeling rejected by a man who they needed as an icon of love and approval. And the idea that, while he cannot give them the approval and nurturance that they need(ed), they can find those qualities in others and within themselves. And that, as grown adults now themselves, they can choose how much contact they do or don't want to have. And base that decision on how they feel themselves and what makes them happy, not on how much toxic complaining they will have to deal with from him.
It's the gift that just keeps on giving. My bad choice of a mate, but it produced wonderful kids who I treasure. I feel some real regret that I got them into this, but I got them through this, and I'll stick with them forever.
Hugs, take care,
ShootingStar1
My kids - my grown daughter especially - have suffered from the wistfulness of reaching out to their dad and then suffering the almost inevitable pain of it not working out. It is a longing that we can't prevent them from having, and that we can't protect them from. Like you, I have been there and am still there to help them pick up the pieces.
It's stuff like hearing a voice recital (that is the culmination of years of work for a college degree) that was fabulous, and he picks out to mention that the second phrase in the first song was a "little flat". Or volunteering to drive her home from college with all her gear, then declaring that he was too tired to drive all the way to my house, unpacking her gear all over his driveway, and going to sleep. Took me and my second husband hours to get there, reload her stuff in our cars, and take her home.
I don't say he's a bad guy - he's not. He was never an addict or alcoholic, just a self-centered immature guy who really doesn't understand how people react to his behavior and how he hurts them. Kind of a Mr. Magoo who goes merrily along his way while behind him, trains crash, bridges fall, and he never notices it. Even when his kids are in the debris.
I may gently say, as my daughter talks about being in contact with him, "that's fine, and you might want to remember that while he doesn't necessarily mean to hurt you, he often does inadvertently. That's not your fault, and not a measure of who YOU are. It's just who he is." I try not to be a naysayer, but just to lower the expectations a bit so that the inevitable fall is not as long or hard or deep.
And then, like you, pick up the pieces with them later. Lots of counselling, trying to get a base line that is realistic in their hearts of what they can expect versus what they want and need(ed) from a father, and as many tools as possible to deal with the vulnerability of feeling rejected by a man who they needed as an icon of love and approval. And the idea that, while he cannot give them the approval and nurturance that they need(ed), they can find those qualities in others and within themselves. And that, as grown adults now themselves, they can choose how much contact they do or don't want to have. And base that decision on how they feel themselves and what makes them happy, not on how much toxic complaining they will have to deal with from him.
It's the gift that just keeps on giving. My bad choice of a mate, but it produced wonderful kids who I treasure. I feel some real regret that I got them into this, but I got them through this, and I'll stick with them forever.
Hugs, take care,
ShootingStar1
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