I feel different about him.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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I feel different about him.
My alcoholic-H addicted boyfriend (Although has been clean for about 3 1/2 weeks) got his licence back in August after losing it for a dwi for 5 years. Last night he slammed into a car with his new truck, and was arrested for drinking while driving. I've found liquor bottles, and smelt beer on his breath within the last few month's since he got his licence back, now to lose if for another few years, he is 28 years old. When I waited a few hours at the police station, I drove him home. And I went to bed, he slept on the couch, and I woke up to use the bathroom only to see him drinking more.
We have been together for about two years. I love him with all my heart. He is the smartest, funniest man you would ever meet when he is clean and sober.
Not only the knots, the anxiety, the crying, the hurting I feel a lot of the time when he is drinking, or getting high- but now, I look at him as he could have killed a human being. He knew the risks multiple times, and took them- not only could have hurt himself, BUT someone else. Luckily no one was hurt-but still.
I felt like crap today, because I felt like this is the last straw last night...I told myself, I cant be with him anymore. I cant be with someone that could not take our children (although we do not have any) to school in the morning safely.
But I gave him a chance to talk today, and he says he needs me, and he loves me so much, and hes an idiot, and all these things I have heard prior. I also feel that if I do leave he will head to his hometown and could overdose and die.
I am still sitting here, but I don't know....
Sorry for the rant. No one else to talk to.
We have been together for about two years. I love him with all my heart. He is the smartest, funniest man you would ever meet when he is clean and sober.
Not only the knots, the anxiety, the crying, the hurting I feel a lot of the time when he is drinking, or getting high- but now, I look at him as he could have killed a human being. He knew the risks multiple times, and took them- not only could have hurt himself, BUT someone else. Luckily no one was hurt-but still.
I felt like crap today, because I felt like this is the last straw last night...I told myself, I cant be with him anymore. I cant be with someone that could not take our children (although we do not have any) to school in the morning safely.
But I gave him a chance to talk today, and he says he needs me, and he loves me so much, and hes an idiot, and all these things I have heard prior. I also feel that if I do leave he will head to his hometown and could overdose and die.
I am still sitting here, but I don't know....
Sorry for the rant. No one else to talk to.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
He could overdose and die in your home, would that really be better?
I'm so sorry you're going through this--I'm sorry for him, too, though I'm very glad he got arrested. Addiction sucks for everybody it touches, and I, too, am very glad he didn't hurt anyone.
Seems to me this is when you DO walk away. Sometimes it's the jolt someone needs, other times it has zero effect. The thing is, your staying with him will not help him. If he wants to get sober, nothing will stop him. If he doesn't, nothing you do will make any difference.
Hugs, stick around here, this is a great place for support. Have you been to Al-Anon? If not, now is a great time, even if you leave him. Living with addiction makes us all a little crazy.
I'm so sorry you're going through this--I'm sorry for him, too, though I'm very glad he got arrested. Addiction sucks for everybody it touches, and I, too, am very glad he didn't hurt anyone.
Seems to me this is when you DO walk away. Sometimes it's the jolt someone needs, other times it has zero effect. The thing is, your staying with him will not help him. If he wants to get sober, nothing will stop him. If he doesn't, nothing you do will make any difference.
Hugs, stick around here, this is a great place for support. Have you been to Al-Anon? If not, now is a great time, even if you leave him. Living with addiction makes us all a little crazy.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,894
We are here to listen when you need to talk. I'm so sorry this is happening and I know the feeling of just feeling like I can't do it anymore. When my screw-up of a husband (ex) kept getting into trouble every other month, I just knew I couldn't do it anymore. I wasn't even mad. All the other times, I was so angry that he just couldn't stop doing stupid crap. But the last time, I just accepted that it was the end. He, too, was the sweetest, funniest, nicest guy I ever knew when he was sober.
You can't stop your boyfriend from using or overdosing. You aren't that powerful...none of us are. If you want a happy family life, you can have it, just not with him; and, you can't find someone to share that life with as long as you are holding onto this guy.
When I divorced my husband, I still cared very much about him. I never stopped caring. He eventually died while in prison due to his poor health and not taking care of himself and continuing to use all those years. I still miss him, sometimes.
You can't stop your boyfriend from using or overdosing. You aren't that powerful...none of us are. If you want a happy family life, you can have it, just not with him; and, you can't find someone to share that life with as long as you are holding onto this guy.
When I divorced my husband, I still cared very much about him. I never stopped caring. He eventually died while in prison due to his poor health and not taking care of himself and continuing to use all those years. I still miss him, sometimes.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Zeppelin92, this is a very tough situation for you to be in. Here you have the man you wanted, the guy you wanted to share life with, and he isn't who he used to be, or he isn't who you thought he was.
It is terribly difficult to give up on our dreams. And when our dreams are about how we want and expect someone else to behave, we cannot make that come true unless the other person wants it to as much as we do.
Someone who is a heroin addict and alcoholic is not owned by himself; he is owned by his addictions. It takes long hard work and true commitment ON HIS PART to wrestle these beasts down.
And he is not making the choice to do that. It is not your choice to make for him. You can't change the course of his life, no matter how much you love him. He has total control over his own destiny, even if it appears to be, in your view, a despairing destiny.
All you can do now is listen to your head and let him go. Maybe that will truly motivate him to change his ways. Letting him go will put your focus on you, what you want, how you want to live, and that is your only option and opportunity.
If, in a year or two years, he has done the work and is in solid recovery, then consider him then, with the caveat that drugs like heroin are terribly difficult to vanquish. Don't let your heart overrule what you know to be true and wise.
ShootingStar1
It is terribly difficult to give up on our dreams. And when our dreams are about how we want and expect someone else to behave, we cannot make that come true unless the other person wants it to as much as we do.
Someone who is a heroin addict and alcoholic is not owned by himself; he is owned by his addictions. It takes long hard work and true commitment ON HIS PART to wrestle these beasts down.
And he is not making the choice to do that. It is not your choice to make for him. You can't change the course of his life, no matter how much you love him. He has total control over his own destiny, even if it appears to be, in your view, a despairing destiny.
All you can do now is listen to your head and let him go. Maybe that will truly motivate him to change his ways. Letting him go will put your focus on you, what you want, how you want to live, and that is your only option and opportunity.
If, in a year or two years, he has done the work and is in solid recovery, then consider him then, with the caveat that drugs like heroin are terribly difficult to vanquish. Don't let your heart overrule what you know to be true and wise.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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No, I dont know what I would do if I found him overdosed...I feel like when hes home hes safe, and away from his "old friends" in his hometown, I know that drugs are everywhere- But I think when hes here, he has no chance to get high and or reason because im here with him (My odd way of thinking I guess, now that I read it out loud to myself)
I understand what you mean by jolt- I feel as if in the last two years theres been a few times where I should have felt that jolt- and flew out of here. But im still here today, writing and talking to you guys. "If he wants to get sober, nothing will stop him"---From actions and knowing him, I feel like he does not....or he wants to be like a non-alcoholic that can have a few, but it never ends that way.
Thank you for replying to my post Lexiecat, your advice, and kind words are so much needed right now.
No, Ive looked up Al-anon meetings in my area (I live in a small area), and I think I would be too nervous to fully go into a meeting and talk to people about him and us. Maybe because hes not my sibling, or mom or dad. Or maybe because we are young, and I haven't been with him for years and years, so I feel like I have no right to be there.
I understand what you mean by jolt- I feel as if in the last two years theres been a few times where I should have felt that jolt- and flew out of here. But im still here today, writing and talking to you guys. "If he wants to get sober, nothing will stop him"---From actions and knowing him, I feel like he does not....or he wants to be like a non-alcoholic that can have a few, but it never ends that way.
Thank you for replying to my post Lexiecat, your advice, and kind words are so much needed right now.
No, Ive looked up Al-anon meetings in my area (I live in a small area), and I think I would be too nervous to fully go into a meeting and talk to people about him and us. Maybe because hes not my sibling, or mom or dad. Or maybe because we are young, and I haven't been with him for years and years, so I feel like I have no right to be there.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
.I feel like when hes home hes safe, and away from his "old friends" in his hometown, I know that drugs are everywhere- But I think when hes here, he has no chance to get high and or reason because im here with him (My odd way of thinking I guess, now that I read it out loud to myself)
Staying with him for your reasons above is an effort to control someone else - to your own detriment. He is an adult, and he is allowed to make choices that could ultimately kill him. You are not responsible for that, nor is he a child, or you the parent.
I had to hear this over and over before it sunk in that I have a problem, and that trying to control someone else is not OK - for either of us. Keep reading here, it will help A LOT! - my heart goes out to you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Zep, I went to my first Al-Anon meeting when I was 22, I think. My then-boyfriend had just gotten sober at age 20, and today he's been sober almost 36 years! I've gone to Al-Anon off and on during my life (I like alcoholics so much I married two of them and became one myself, lol).
Most of the people in the groups are just like you--most are there for a partner (boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife), I think other family members are fewer in number. Some are still with the alcoholic, some are with a now-sober partner, some have left but stay with Al-Anon because it's a great plan for living in general.
Al-Anon is NOT about the alcoholic--it's about you. What you can do to make your life better, whether he gets sober or not, whether you stay with him or not.
I think you'd find it really, really helpful. People are very kind and they GET what it is you're dealing with.
Most of the people in the groups are just like you--most are there for a partner (boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife), I think other family members are fewer in number. Some are still with the alcoholic, some are with a now-sober partner, some have left but stay with Al-Anon because it's a great plan for living in general.
Al-Anon is NOT about the alcoholic--it's about you. What you can do to make your life better, whether he gets sober or not, whether you stay with him or not.
I think you'd find it really, really helpful. People are very kind and they GET what it is you're dealing with.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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You don't have to say anything at an AlAnon meeting if you don't want to. Heck, the first one I went to, I basically just cried most of the time.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
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His license was suspended for a DWI for 5 years, or it took him 5 years to reinstate it? Unless you're not living in the U.S., he's had a few DWIs to get a 5 year suspension. In almost every case in the U.S., the 1st DWI comes with a 1 year suspension.
I'm saying this because a 3rd DWI (or more) will has some nasty, nasty consequenced, usually including mandatory jail time. In some states, it's a felony charge. Some states, it's permanent loss of driving privileges.
There's going to be a rather unfortunate court case he's got coming up if this is even just this 2nd DWI. Think about this being added to what you're already experiencing with him.
My ex, a few months before he went all-rage on me, said the same stuff about needing me and wanting me to help him and stand by him. I felt the same way as you - if I left, he'd fall apart for sure. The truth is, if he's not ready to get sober, he's going to fall apart with or without you. The only difference is that if you're there, he could take you down with him.
It's a tough choice to make when you're still in it - but, it doesn't seem like he's given you any reason to believe in something he's told you before. At some point, after so many empty promises, they have to prove it themselves with action, not words.
I'm saying this because a 3rd DWI (or more) will has some nasty, nasty consequenced, usually including mandatory jail time. In some states, it's a felony charge. Some states, it's permanent loss of driving privileges.
There's going to be a rather unfortunate court case he's got coming up if this is even just this 2nd DWI. Think about this being added to what you're already experiencing with him.
My ex, a few months before he went all-rage on me, said the same stuff about needing me and wanting me to help him and stand by him. I felt the same way as you - if I left, he'd fall apart for sure. The truth is, if he's not ready to get sober, he's going to fall apart with or without you. The only difference is that if you're there, he could take you down with him.
It's a tough choice to make when you're still in it - but, it doesn't seem like he's given you any reason to believe in something he's told you before. At some point, after so many empty promises, they have to prove it themselves with action, not words.
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I also feel that if I do leave he will head to his hometown and could overdose and die.
well, going with that theme, let's be honest, how GREAT of a job have YOU done at stopping him from doing anything so far??
have YOU stopped him from drinking? NO
have YOU stopped him from drinking AND driving? NO
have YOU really made much of a dent in HIS alcohol problem at all??? NO
and that is because IT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM TO FIX. it's his. because it's HIS life....and he has the absolute right to live it out as HE sees fit, even if by doing so he's an absolute trainwreck and lucky to not have vehicular manslaughter charges on his record.
but YOU my dear one have your own equally important right to live your one precious life exactly as you see fit....to make whatever choices you so desire but then to accept the consequences that come with them. no free rides. you choose to stay and you say yes to the heartache and disappointment and anger and those occasional moments of OK with him......OR you get out of his way and get on living the very best life you can.
well, going with that theme, let's be honest, how GREAT of a job have YOU done at stopping him from doing anything so far??
have YOU stopped him from drinking? NO
have YOU stopped him from drinking AND driving? NO
have YOU really made much of a dent in HIS alcohol problem at all??? NO
and that is because IT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM TO FIX. it's his. because it's HIS life....and he has the absolute right to live it out as HE sees fit, even if by doing so he's an absolute trainwreck and lucky to not have vehicular manslaughter charges on his record.
but YOU my dear one have your own equally important right to live your one precious life exactly as you see fit....to make whatever choices you so desire but then to accept the consequences that come with them. no free rides. you choose to stay and you say yes to the heartache and disappointment and anger and those occasional moments of OK with him......OR you get out of his way and get on living the very best life you can.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Ditto on what Anvil and others have said here. Looking back, I wish I had left after my XAH got his DUI. But, I wanted to believe it truly was his bottom especially when he was sitting there threatening suicide. That was nearly 4 years ago. It took me 2.5 years to make the decision to leave and our lives were a living hell during that point.
I was already in Al Anon and I knew I couldn't fix it for him or enable him anymore but the behavior and the binges and the fallout from the binges themselves became too much for me. I don't doubt that alcoholics love their SO's our families, but the disease takes over and they don't make decisions that are reasonable or sane while in the midst of their drinking/using/etc. There is nothing we can do to stop them and I was determined to NOT go down with the ship. We have a son and I chose to wait it out a bit until my son was old enough to start making decisions for himself.
Today, my son has to take UBER to school when his dad is too hung over or can't be woken up in the AM. I gave him access to Uber so that he can call and set up a ride to school (it's a private school with no bus service). Keeps my X off the roads and my son is safe. But, my son has to watch his father deteriorate every day. He reports back to me, "Dad was so much better this weekend mom. He didn't seem depressed and I only saw him drink a few beers." Then the next week, I'll get this call, "Mom, I can't wake dad up. He's passed out on the toilet and naked. I'm going to call Uber for a ride, but do I leave him there?"
I tell you these stories so you understand that you are in a position where you can walk away. No kids. Little drama. You can start over. You are young. I am in my 40s and was dependent on that man for income and we had a child together.
One of the greatest gifts Al Anon gave me was that I listened to other people's stories and I saw my future in them. I didn't want that. I wanted something different. So, I'm going to ask you, "What do you want for YOU?" Take the focus off of him and his problem and formulate a plan for what YOU want. Hugs to you. We all know how hard it is to be where you are. You are not alone.
I was already in Al Anon and I knew I couldn't fix it for him or enable him anymore but the behavior and the binges and the fallout from the binges themselves became too much for me. I don't doubt that alcoholics love their SO's our families, but the disease takes over and they don't make decisions that are reasonable or sane while in the midst of their drinking/using/etc. There is nothing we can do to stop them and I was determined to NOT go down with the ship. We have a son and I chose to wait it out a bit until my son was old enough to start making decisions for himself.
Today, my son has to take UBER to school when his dad is too hung over or can't be woken up in the AM. I gave him access to Uber so that he can call and set up a ride to school (it's a private school with no bus service). Keeps my X off the roads and my son is safe. But, my son has to watch his father deteriorate every day. He reports back to me, "Dad was so much better this weekend mom. He didn't seem depressed and I only saw him drink a few beers." Then the next week, I'll get this call, "Mom, I can't wake dad up. He's passed out on the toilet and naked. I'm going to call Uber for a ride, but do I leave him there?"
I tell you these stories so you understand that you are in a position where you can walk away. No kids. Little drama. You can start over. You are young. I am in my 40s and was dependent on that man for income and we had a child together.
One of the greatest gifts Al Anon gave me was that I listened to other people's stories and I saw my future in them. I didn't want that. I wanted something different. So, I'm going to ask you, "What do you want for YOU?" Take the focus off of him and his problem and formulate a plan for what YOU want. Hugs to you. We all know how hard it is to be where you are. You are not alone.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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Thank you for reading and taking time to help, that is certainty true today. My mom is having a small girls type of day a hour away, and he does not want to go....I also dont really want to go now either, because im afraid to what I will come home too. Same with work tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. I brought this concern up to him, and he says "I know I cant drink!", but defiantly doesn't seem like like a I dont have an urge, or want too.
My mom tells me this all the time- I am not his mother, and act like one. Which I hate hearing, but know is so true. He had even said it a few weeks ago when we got into an argument when he was drunk. I want to be his girlfriend, or wife one day. not mom
My mom tells me this all the time- I am not his mother, and act like one. Which I hate hearing, but know is so true. He had even said it a few weeks ago when we got into an argument when he was drunk. I want to be his girlfriend, or wife one day. not mom
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