I need to start step work. Here we go.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I need to start step work. Here we go.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
Yes - finally! The only persons actions that I can control are my own, and I am mostly actingwith this in the front of my mind.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
I have come to recognize that nobody can (nor do I want them to) control me or my actions. We are all smart, capable adults with the right to choose every decision for ourselves.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
Somewhat. I think there is mixed research on this. I do however understand that the alcoholic is powerless over their "luck" in becoming an alcoholic. It changed how I deal with alcoholics because I no longer feel that I am better than them, or my issues are less than theirs. Truly accepting their alcoholism has made me more compassionate and sympathetic to the symptoms of it. It has allowed me to finally detach with love.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
Yes - over and over. The consequences have left me feeling disappointed, stressed out, anxious, depressed, and with migraines and anxiety. Trying to control others left me feeling defeated and inadequate. The consequences have also led me to recovery.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met? I have been manipulative, condescending, and passive aggressive. I have given the silent treatment, and retreated from relationships. It might work better to sort out what needs of mine are not getting met. From there, I can fulfill them myself, or ask others for what I need.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I felt disappointed in my life, and in my decisions. I felt angry that they just didn't pull it together. I responded in many of the ways in the question above.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
My life would become much, much simpler and less stressful. I would become more introspective, and ultimately a better, more accepting and less judgmental person.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
By understanding that much like my problems are mine to fix, theirs are too. I have learned that our lives are short and important, and it's only up to ourselves to make it a great one - or not.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
I was. I wanted the universe to fix everything surrounding my life - to make it happy for me. Is there a quick fix - yes...let go. And no - it takes a lot of work for me to let go.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
With romantic partners. With my family. With my job. With my friends. Anyone going through or doing something I considered negative, I felt compelled to tell them how to fix it.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
When people are negative to others, when people are what I consider out of control on substances.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
I ended up in Alanon to try and make XABF see that he had a drinking problem, and to get him to fix it. I hoped to gain clarity on alcoholism, and peace for me. My expectations have changed in that it is very clear to me that I need to work on myself - mentally, spiritually and physically - for my whole life, and to insure that I have a happy, productive and peaceful one.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
Friends, partners, family. My dad said I don't pick men that are "in it like I am." My aunt suggested that I am codependent. My friend said that I make bad choices in men and stay too long with them.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
I have a sense of urgency and don't know why, I feel angst, lost, depressed.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
By rarely saying no and going out of my way for others when I don't want to.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this? Yes. I can't manage what is MINE anymore. I get a martyr attitude, feel like there's a lack of time and respect.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
Yes - I've neglected myself mentally, spiritually, and physically. I do anticipate problems - I future trip and spiral. I sort of feel more alive in the middle of crisis I guess. The times in life I felt bored, nothing crazy was going on.
How well do I take care of myself?
Better now - exercise, sleep, eating better, working on me psychologically.
How do I feel when I am alone?
Alright - lazy sometimes, but alright.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Pity is worrying that someone won't be ok without my influence. Pity is feeling sorry for them rather than respecting them as an individual. Love is acceptance, respect, and caring about someone unconditionally and for who they are today.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them? Ugg - by nagging, leaving "hints" getting angry for their actions, by ignoring, by pushing. All very unhealthy.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
I am starting to - I didn't before. I am having some hard times identifying some of my feelings. I don't always know what are mine, and what are motivated by the sick art of me. I am getting there.
Thanks for listening.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
Yes - finally! The only persons actions that I can control are my own, and I am mostly actingwith this in the front of my mind.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
I have come to recognize that nobody can (nor do I want them to) control me or my actions. We are all smart, capable adults with the right to choose every decision for ourselves.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
Somewhat. I think there is mixed research on this. I do however understand that the alcoholic is powerless over their "luck" in becoming an alcoholic. It changed how I deal with alcoholics because I no longer feel that I am better than them, or my issues are less than theirs. Truly accepting their alcoholism has made me more compassionate and sympathetic to the symptoms of it. It has allowed me to finally detach with love.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
Yes - over and over. The consequences have left me feeling disappointed, stressed out, anxious, depressed, and with migraines and anxiety. Trying to control others left me feeling defeated and inadequate. The consequences have also led me to recovery.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met? I have been manipulative, condescending, and passive aggressive. I have given the silent treatment, and retreated from relationships. It might work better to sort out what needs of mine are not getting met. From there, I can fulfill them myself, or ask others for what I need.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I felt disappointed in my life, and in my decisions. I felt angry that they just didn't pull it together. I responded in many of the ways in the question above.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
My life would become much, much simpler and less stressful. I would become more introspective, and ultimately a better, more accepting and less judgmental person.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
By understanding that much like my problems are mine to fix, theirs are too. I have learned that our lives are short and important, and it's only up to ourselves to make it a great one - or not.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
I was. I wanted the universe to fix everything surrounding my life - to make it happy for me. Is there a quick fix - yes...let go. And no - it takes a lot of work for me to let go.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
With romantic partners. With my family. With my job. With my friends. Anyone going through or doing something I considered negative, I felt compelled to tell them how to fix it.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
When people are negative to others, when people are what I consider out of control on substances.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
I ended up in Alanon to try and make XABF see that he had a drinking problem, and to get him to fix it. I hoped to gain clarity on alcoholism, and peace for me. My expectations have changed in that it is very clear to me that I need to work on myself - mentally, spiritually and physically - for my whole life, and to insure that I have a happy, productive and peaceful one.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
Friends, partners, family. My dad said I don't pick men that are "in it like I am." My aunt suggested that I am codependent. My friend said that I make bad choices in men and stay too long with them.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
I have a sense of urgency and don't know why, I feel angst, lost, depressed.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
By rarely saying no and going out of my way for others when I don't want to.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this? Yes. I can't manage what is MINE anymore. I get a martyr attitude, feel like there's a lack of time and respect.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
Yes - I've neglected myself mentally, spiritually, and physically. I do anticipate problems - I future trip and spiral. I sort of feel more alive in the middle of crisis I guess. The times in life I felt bored, nothing crazy was going on.
How well do I take care of myself?
Better now - exercise, sleep, eating better, working on me psychologically.
How do I feel when I am alone?
Alright - lazy sometimes, but alright.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Pity is worrying that someone won't be ok without my influence. Pity is feeling sorry for them rather than respecting them as an individual. Love is acceptance, respect, and caring about someone unconditionally and for who they are today.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them? Ugg - by nagging, leaving "hints" getting angry for their actions, by ignoring, by pushing. All very unhealthy.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
I am starting to - I didn't before. I am having some hard times identifying some of my feelings. I don't always know what are mine, and what are motivated by the sick art of me. I am getting there.
Thanks for listening.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Hi firebolt, my friend.
Thanks for posting this. It's helpful to me today.
After doing Step 3 and working Step 4 part-way, I strayed away without realizing it.
I'm now working 1, 2 and 3 again to get a good solid foundation to my step work. Still working on Step 1. Went through these questions last week. It may be another week before doing this in person with my sponsor. I've been reading Courage to Change on different topics (including honesty, as in me learning how to be rigorously honest) and now reading more things on Step 1. Grateful to be here, grateful to know you.
Happy Saint Patrick's Day!
Thanks for posting this. It's helpful to me today.
After doing Step 3 and working Step 4 part-way, I strayed away without realizing it.
I'm now working 1, 2 and 3 again to get a good solid foundation to my step work. Still working on Step 1. Went through these questions last week. It may be another week before doing this in person with my sponsor. I've been reading Courage to Change on different topics (including honesty, as in me learning how to be rigorously honest) and now reading more things on Step 1. Grateful to be here, grateful to know you.
Happy Saint Patrick's Day!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
I'm married to my current RAH for 25 years. He got sober almost 2 years ago and fell off the wagon 3 times but got back on again and is now going (again) to AA as he cannot do it alone.
I am tired, damaged and sick because of his drinking. I thought I was doing ok but know I am not . I want to run as far away as possible. I have held things together to try and ensure kids (who are now way in college) were ok, but now I just want to let go of it all, esp him but it hurts so so much. I feel so badly damaged that I do not know will I recover, I have put on a brave face, I take none of his BS anymore which has caused our marriage to go into free fall. Once i decided that putting up and shutting up was no longer what I was going to do, it has all gone belly up. I have moved into a spare bedroom, I rarely engage with him in fact right now I do not want to see him. It is not the falling off the wagon, it is they lying to my face, the lack of trust, this is no way to live. I am emotional, I am sad and most of all I am so so angry. I have tried the steps. I know I cannot control him (never could), but how do you live with an A as a partner and do so in peace without waiting for another bomb to drop. He complains I do not appreciate him, how can I appreciate someone who causes me so much pain? He complains I do not show him emotion, how can I when after years of emotional and mental abuse, I am emotionally frozen and have lost all trust in ever receiving from him anything that would meet my needs?
How can he not see what he has done. To add insult to injury he is supposedly working on step 4. What do I do to maintain my sanity and gain some peace, ask him to leave?
I am tired, damaged and sick because of his drinking. I thought I was doing ok but know I am not . I want to run as far away as possible. I have held things together to try and ensure kids (who are now way in college) were ok, but now I just want to let go of it all, esp him but it hurts so so much. I feel so badly damaged that I do not know will I recover, I have put on a brave face, I take none of his BS anymore which has caused our marriage to go into free fall. Once i decided that putting up and shutting up was no longer what I was going to do, it has all gone belly up. I have moved into a spare bedroom, I rarely engage with him in fact right now I do not want to see him. It is not the falling off the wagon, it is they lying to my face, the lack of trust, this is no way to live. I am emotional, I am sad and most of all I am so so angry. I have tried the steps. I know I cannot control him (never could), but how do you live with an A as a partner and do so in peace without waiting for another bomb to drop. He complains I do not appreciate him, how can I appreciate someone who causes me so much pain? He complains I do not show him emotion, how can I when after years of emotional and mental abuse, I am emotionally frozen and have lost all trust in ever receiving from him anything that would meet my needs?
How can he not see what he has done. To add insult to injury he is supposedly working on step 4. What do I do to maintain my sanity and gain some peace, ask him to leave?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease?
I struggle with this one. I really do. I have seen from first hand experience it runs in families so it does seem to have some genetic component to it..or maybe lifestyles just carry on as habits that seem normal. My take on it now is it doesn't matter to me if it is or not. The outcome is the same. I think we are all broken in different ways and alcohol abuse is one way people use to numb that.
I struggle with this one. I really do. I have seen from first hand experience it runs in families so it does seem to have some genetic component to it..or maybe lifestyles just carry on as habits that seem normal. My take on it now is it doesn't matter to me if it is or not. The outcome is the same. I think we are all broken in different ways and alcohol abuse is one way people use to numb that.
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