Feeling Miserable
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Feeling Miserable
I have been struggling like crazy lately, so I thought I'd turn here for support. I'm trying to turn to all of the healthy coping skills that I know.
Basically, I'm having relationship problems. While this is a little tough to share, I might as well get it out: my boyfriend doesn't seem interested in um, certain physical interactions anymore. This isn't just a dry spell, it's a full blown drought. I've tried what I know to try. I've tried waiting it out. I've tried talking and he assures me there isn't a problem, but there is obviously a problem. I'm at a point where I think it may just be time to walk away from the relationship.
And I am a total mess about it all. I feel kind of worthless and unwanted. I have been obsessing and dwelling on it. I don't know where my feelings have to do with the actual relationship and how much of it is stuff that is triggered from my past. I had these same problems in my last relationship- and the a-hole me that seems to have taken over my brain says stuff like it must be because there is something wrong with me and I'm just not attractive at all. Over the years, I have at times struggled with feelings of depression and I wonder how much of this may just be me finding something to feel bad about.
I'm getting to the point where I am so tired of feeling miserable about the relationship that a break-up seems imminent. That brings up a whole lot of other feelings- fear of hurting him, fear of being alone, fear of the pain of losing him (despite being miserable in the relationship, I really like the guy!).
I have been trying to take care of myself. I've been going to AA meetings twice a week and yoga two or three times a week. I make a gratitude list every day. I try to find a balance between feeling my feelings and not getting bogged down in them, but lately I haven't been doing so well at that. I try to bring my focus back to doing positive things to further my goals, but again that feels like it is becoming increasingly difficult. All these things help for a few hours, but then I am back to feeling awful.
I don't know where I am going with this, but I thought it was better to reach out and to share. Some problems are hard to admit to, but I don't know that keeping it to myself helps.
On the plus side, today is two years and seven months without alcohol and I'm not turning to alcohol or drugs to drown out my problems. And times like this, I feel just how dangerous alcohol could be for me. I know I would go WAY overboard trying to make my feelings disappear.
Basically, I'm having relationship problems. While this is a little tough to share, I might as well get it out: my boyfriend doesn't seem interested in um, certain physical interactions anymore. This isn't just a dry spell, it's a full blown drought. I've tried what I know to try. I've tried waiting it out. I've tried talking and he assures me there isn't a problem, but there is obviously a problem. I'm at a point where I think it may just be time to walk away from the relationship.
And I am a total mess about it all. I feel kind of worthless and unwanted. I have been obsessing and dwelling on it. I don't know where my feelings have to do with the actual relationship and how much of it is stuff that is triggered from my past. I had these same problems in my last relationship- and the a-hole me that seems to have taken over my brain says stuff like it must be because there is something wrong with me and I'm just not attractive at all. Over the years, I have at times struggled with feelings of depression and I wonder how much of this may just be me finding something to feel bad about.
I'm getting to the point where I am so tired of feeling miserable about the relationship that a break-up seems imminent. That brings up a whole lot of other feelings- fear of hurting him, fear of being alone, fear of the pain of losing him (despite being miserable in the relationship, I really like the guy!).
I have been trying to take care of myself. I've been going to AA meetings twice a week and yoga two or three times a week. I make a gratitude list every day. I try to find a balance between feeling my feelings and not getting bogged down in them, but lately I haven't been doing so well at that. I try to bring my focus back to doing positive things to further my goals, but again that feels like it is becoming increasingly difficult. All these things help for a few hours, but then I am back to feeling awful.
I don't know where I am going with this, but I thought it was better to reach out and to share. Some problems are hard to admit to, but I don't know that keeping it to myself helps.
On the plus side, today is two years and seven months without alcohol and I'm not turning to alcohol or drugs to drown out my problems. And times like this, I feel just how dangerous alcohol could be for me. I know I would go WAY overboard trying to make my feelings disappear.
Resident Awesome Guy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Castle Pines, CO
Posts: 747
First off, congrats on almost 3 years sober. That is amazing and very inspiring. Second, I have dealt with some of the same feelings in my marriage before. I have gone a year before without any physical interaction with my wife, but at the time, I didn't care because I was in love with the bottom of a bottle. This situation seems very different since you are sober and it may seem like the magic is gone. Have you tried couple's counseling?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,634
Good for you for making the effort to talk about it and attempting to deal with it rather than dismissing your needs.
Your instinct that something is a miss seems reasonable, but jumping ahead to you being the cause seems like it is just that: jumping ahead. Hard not to do, I understand.
It sounds like your partner isn't comfortable talking about what is going on with him - maybe he's embarrassed, maybe talking about the topic isn't in his comfort zone - but something is holding him back that is causing you to feel left in the dark. A professional that can set a safe frame that may help him to open up.
And sending you a big hug.
Your instinct that something is a miss seems reasonable, but jumping ahead to you being the cause seems like it is just that: jumping ahead. Hard not to do, I understand.
It sounds like your partner isn't comfortable talking about what is going on with him - maybe he's embarrassed, maybe talking about the topic isn't in his comfort zone - but something is holding him back that is causing you to feel left in the dark. A professional that can set a safe frame that may help him to open up.
And sending you a big hug.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Thank you guys!! I always know I can count on this place for a little support. 
I haven't tried counseling and kind of doubt he'd want to go. I guess I also feel like this is something that he should just want. What is the point of being with a partner who doesn't feel that attraction? The same with trying to talk to him about it more... I feel like even if he did make an effort to be more physical, it wouldn't be because he was really into it. And I feel like if it's not something he does because he wants to, any change he might make likely wouldn't last long.
I feel like I have tried talking about it and he just blows me off or makes excuses. The thing is, I feel like he's not being honest to me. Anybody can be tired or stressed about something else or what-have-you once in a while, but when it is a consistent pattern, I have to think there is something more going on.
I don't know if he's not being honest with himself or if it's just me he's not really being honest to. I feel like I've held up my side of the relationship and been loyal to him. It's not fair for him to refuse to communicate with me when I come to him with a problem. I know that I'm not the most assertive person and I drop the topic too easily if he doesn't want to talk about it. I do feel like I've tried, more than once.
While the intimacy is my biggest problem, I also feel like there are other issues. The communication isn't always very good and I know this is partly me, but I do try. I also feel like things just aren't going anywhere.
I know if I was reading all this from somebody else, it would be pretty obvious to me that the relationship was done for. I feel like I'm trying to come out of a place of denial. I wanted this to work so badly. I've tried so hard. It just doesn't seem fair.
I'm trying to ask myself if really there is any hope left for this, even assuming he suddenly started acting in some 'perfect' way or if I'm just really done.
I haven't tried counseling and kind of doubt he'd want to go. I guess I also feel like this is something that he should just want. What is the point of being with a partner who doesn't feel that attraction? The same with trying to talk to him about it more... I feel like even if he did make an effort to be more physical, it wouldn't be because he was really into it. And I feel like if it's not something he does because he wants to, any change he might make likely wouldn't last long.
I feel like I have tried talking about it and he just blows me off or makes excuses. The thing is, I feel like he's not being honest to me. Anybody can be tired or stressed about something else or what-have-you once in a while, but when it is a consistent pattern, I have to think there is something more going on.
I don't know if he's not being honest with himself or if it's just me he's not really being honest to. I feel like I've held up my side of the relationship and been loyal to him. It's not fair for him to refuse to communicate with me when I come to him with a problem. I know that I'm not the most assertive person and I drop the topic too easily if he doesn't want to talk about it. I do feel like I've tried, more than once.
While the intimacy is my biggest problem, I also feel like there are other issues. The communication isn't always very good and I know this is partly me, but I do try. I also feel like things just aren't going anywhere.
I know if I was reading all this from somebody else, it would be pretty obvious to me that the relationship was done for. I feel like I'm trying to come out of a place of denial. I wanted this to work so badly. I've tried so hard. It just doesn't seem fair.
I'm trying to ask myself if really there is any hope left for this, even assuming he suddenly started acting in some 'perfect' way or if I'm just really done.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
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Maybe the communication should be the main focus for now. The thing is, you know how YOU feel, and what YOU want, and that's what you're focussing on, (I feel like I'm trying to come out of a place of denial. I wanted this to work so badly. I've tried so hard. It just doesn't seem fair. ) But a relationship takes two people and a meeting of minds - perhaps he needs to feel really safe to open up about whatever is bothering him re sex before he'll start feeling jiggy with it, and while communication lines are down nobody feels safe - you don't either.
I think when we get sober and start recovering, the change in us (while positive) can be a little unnerving for our partners. Maybe have a few date nights; spend more time talking to each other; little things like 'I love you' texts out of the blue, or a gift of his favourite chocolate bar. More kisses and cuddles. I suspect that'd be more conducive to some nooky than demanding to know what's wrong with him. Maybe when there was more alcohol involved you were more forward, and initiated things, and he doesn't feel confident enough to take that role?
I dunno, but if the tables were turned, and you went off sex for a bit, would you think it was loving of him to threaten to leave you if you didn't start showing more of an interest? The thing is, there is more to long term partnership than sex. If he's a good man. A sensitive and kind man, and you love him, then it's probably worth the effort to work this out. Don't believe all that's printed in magazines, plenty of couples don't have regular sex. That's why Ann Summers does such a good trade in sex toys
I think when we get sober and start recovering, the change in us (while positive) can be a little unnerving for our partners. Maybe have a few date nights; spend more time talking to each other; little things like 'I love you' texts out of the blue, or a gift of his favourite chocolate bar. More kisses and cuddles. I suspect that'd be more conducive to some nooky than demanding to know what's wrong with him. Maybe when there was more alcohol involved you were more forward, and initiated things, and he doesn't feel confident enough to take that role?
I dunno, but if the tables were turned, and you went off sex for a bit, would you think it was loving of him to threaten to leave you if you didn't start showing more of an interest? The thing is, there is more to long term partnership than sex. If he's a good man. A sensitive and kind man, and you love him, then it's probably worth the effort to work this out. Don't believe all that's printed in magazines, plenty of couples don't have regular sex. That's why Ann Summers does such a good trade in sex toys
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Madison, WI
Posts: 793
Is it something with addicts that we feel we don't deserve to be happy? You only get one life. ..make it as happy as you want, not what you expect someone else to give you. I've settled so many times with relationships, and at the end, all we really have is ourselves. I sound like Dr Phil. ..lol.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
2 Years, 7 Months is fantastic!! 
Yeap always good to reach out when things are tough, it sounds though that it's a difficult situation, but sometimes relationships just don't work out, and that's not a reflection on anyone, there's no failure etc, it's just sometimes things run their course.
Do what's right for you in all of this!!
Yeap always good to reach out when things are tough, it sounds though that it's a difficult situation, but sometimes relationships just don't work out, and that's not a reflection on anyone, there's no failure etc, it's just sometimes things run their course.
Do what's right for you in all of this!!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 53
DG, I could have written the same post a while back. Things did have a bad ending. I do not wish this for you. Ex husband avoided me for quite some time. Kind of knew something was wrong. Thought it was me, that I had become undesirable. Did start to drink more. Found homosexual porn on computer. 22 year marriage ended. Tore me apart. Ex went on to explore new identity. Me-slid into a black hole. 7 months sober now. Still miserable. I know I could try harder.
Just want to say it might not be your fault. Also thought I didn't deserve happiness. Nobody should think that way.
Just want to say it might not be your fault. Also thought I didn't deserve happiness. Nobody should think that way.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Originally Posted by buk1000 
How long have you been in the relationship?
We first 'met' online about 3.5 years ago. At the time, we were both involved with other people, but we started spending A LOT of time on the phone together pretty quickly. We weren't technically together then, but it was clear that there was something between us.
We stopped talking right before I quit drinking- 2 years, 7 months ago and then started talking again about 8 months later.
It's been a year and a half since we first met in person and it's been official that we're together.
Things were fine between us at first... and then they weren't. At first, I thought it was just temporary, but now I'm really starting to wonder.
It's still long distance, which makes things a lot harder. When I have to wait 2-3 months between getting to see him and then he doesn't want to be intimate, it's really tough.
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Beccybean- I was sober before we really got together. I wouldn't threaten to leave him- I feel like that is a pretty low tactic. I've never mentioned leaving him when I've talked to him- Only told him that I feel like he's not into me anymore. I can understand not being interested in sex for a while... but this has been going on for about a year. I've tried to be patient, but I'm feeling like this is more than temporary. I agree that there is more to a relationship than sex, but if I am going to be monogamous long-term, I'd like to be with somebody that is at least into me. Otherwise, it is like committing to a life of abstinence- I know plenty of people make that work, but I really don't care to be one of them.
Badger- It's funny because I feel responsible for other people being happy, but have trouble feeling like I deserve that too. For example, I worry about hurting him if I break up with him, but what about how I feel staying in a relationship where I'm miserable? I feel so guilty sometimes.
BecomingSober- I am sad for you reading your story. Way to go on 7 months sober though!! You are right that it probably isn't my fault. On one level, I know that, but on another level, there is a voice in my head that is relentlessly cruel to me saying that it is. I don't know why I think that way.
I don't know what the right thing to do here is. I feel so much anger, hurt, resentment, etc. It's overwhelming sometimes and I'm not sure where it's all coming from. While the relationship stuff triggers those feelings, I feel like what I'm feeling goes far deeper than what the situation merits. I don't want to make a decision from a place of such intense emotion. And if I do talk to him about it again, I don't want those feelings bubbling up.
I had feelings of not being wanted before I was with him, and I know that is something that is with me, not him, even if he triggers those feelings. It's hard for me to sort out what of this is old stuff I carry with me and what of it is my feelings about what is happening here and now.
Badger- It's funny because I feel responsible for other people being happy, but have trouble feeling like I deserve that too. For example, I worry about hurting him if I break up with him, but what about how I feel staying in a relationship where I'm miserable? I feel so guilty sometimes.
BecomingSober- I am sad for you reading your story. Way to go on 7 months sober though!! You are right that it probably isn't my fault. On one level, I know that, but on another level, there is a voice in my head that is relentlessly cruel to me saying that it is. I don't know why I think that way.
I don't know what the right thing to do here is. I feel so much anger, hurt, resentment, etc. It's overwhelming sometimes and I'm not sure where it's all coming from. While the relationship stuff triggers those feelings, I feel like what I'm feeling goes far deeper than what the situation merits. I don't want to make a decision from a place of such intense emotion. And if I do talk to him about it again, I don't want those feelings bubbling up.
I had feelings of not being wanted before I was with him, and I know that is something that is with me, not him, even if he triggers those feelings. It's hard for me to sort out what of this is old stuff I carry with me and what of it is my feelings about what is happening here and now.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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Hi DG - congrats on your sober time
I don't go in much for relationship advice but I agree with Anna and several others here - you've got to aim for what makes you happy...if this relationship is lacking you have to ask yourself whether you see it improving or not.
I think communication is key...if you feel there's a problem and you've explained how the situation makes you feel, and your bf still says there's no problem, I think you have a problem?
I'd ask straight out if he's prepared to do counselling.
D
D
I don't go in much for relationship advice but I agree with Anna and several others here - you've got to aim for what makes you happy...if this relationship is lacking you have to ask yourself whether you see it improving or not.
I think communication is key...if you feel there's a problem and you've explained how the situation makes you feel, and your bf still says there's no problem, I think you have a problem?
I'd ask straight out if he's prepared to do counselling.
D
D
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,921
I'm not much on relationship advice, but trying to maintain a long distance relationship with someone you only see every couple of months sounds pointless to me.
The main thing though is to maintain your sobriety, not matter what.
The main thing though is to maintain your sobriety, not matter what.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
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I didn't realise that it was long-distance, or that it was such a new relationship (I was thinking live-in partner for some time).
Really, this is quite a new relationship. You have not become enmeshed in each others lives financially, or practically, or through joint friends yet, so it's not going to be too complicated to step back a little (or completely) - compared with if you had kids; a mortgage; or had even been living in the same location and would keep running into each other.
Was there ever any plans spoken of for you two to take things further - move in together or similar?
Really, this is quite a new relationship. You have not become enmeshed in each others lives financially, or practically, or through joint friends yet, so it's not going to be too complicated to step back a little (or completely) - compared with if you had kids; a mortgage; or had even been living in the same location and would keep running into each other.
Was there ever any plans spoken of for you two to take things further - move in together or similar?
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Zebra- I am starting to feel the same. Early on, I felt like there was a possibility that we would try to move to be closer together. Now, I don't feel like that is going to happen.
Beccy- We haven't talked about moving in together or anything like that. I did bring up the idea of me moving to be closer to him and he was pretty much silent on the topic. I feel like that speaks volumes in itself. And when I asked him why he didn't have anything to say about it, he just said that he thought where I lived was my decision. I don't know if I am reading too much into that, but if I was going to move for a relationship, I want somebody that is going to say, "I'd love to have you out here" or something like that.
It makes me feel like the relationship isn't going anywhere. I'm not necessarily looking to get married or anything, but I think I want more than this. And the longer I'm sober (or maybe the older I get), the more I'm starting to feel kind of like I do want to find THE guy (if such a thing exists).
My boyfriend, on the other hand, seems perfectly content with how things are. And it's not that he doesn't like me- he calls me all the time, we talk a lot, when he does come to visit he's always willing to help me with stuff.
I really like him, but things are starting to make me think that this just isn't where I need to be. I do feel better for sharing on here. Problems seem less all-encompassing when we share them. It's too easy for me to dwell on the bad stuff. No matter how things turn out, obsessing now won't help me, but sometimes it's hard for me to help it.
Beccy- We haven't talked about moving in together or anything like that. I did bring up the idea of me moving to be closer to him and he was pretty much silent on the topic. I feel like that speaks volumes in itself. And when I asked him why he didn't have anything to say about it, he just said that he thought where I lived was my decision. I don't know if I am reading too much into that, but if I was going to move for a relationship, I want somebody that is going to say, "I'd love to have you out here" or something like that.
It makes me feel like the relationship isn't going anywhere. I'm not necessarily looking to get married or anything, but I think I want more than this. And the longer I'm sober (or maybe the older I get), the more I'm starting to feel kind of like I do want to find THE guy (if such a thing exists).
My boyfriend, on the other hand, seems perfectly content with how things are. And it's not that he doesn't like me- he calls me all the time, we talk a lot, when he does come to visit he's always willing to help me with stuff.
I really like him, but things are starting to make me think that this just isn't where I need to be. I do feel better for sharing on here. Problems seem less all-encompassing when we share them. It's too easy for me to dwell on the bad stuff. No matter how things turn out, obsessing now won't help me, but sometimes it's hard for me to help it.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
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I suppose you wouldn't be the first couple to be made up of two lovely people who respect and care for each other, and get on well, but just want completely different things out of a relationship and ending up going their separate ways. I suppose the thing to remember is that is no-ones fault - things just worked out like that - and do it kindly and without drama that could threaten the quality of your recovery.
My friend who had a baby last week is still very close to her ex from years and years ago. They decided to call it a day because they both wanted different things. They could have stayed locked in a battle of wills, both trying to change things so the relationship fulfilled them, but it would have been like a tug of war, and ended in resentments. As it is, her Ex is still a close friend to her and her new partner, and was the first person to visit the new baby. This could never have been the case if they hadn't both been completely transparent about what they wanted in the future in her case marriage and a baby. In his case, for things to stay as they were forever.
Good luck, whatever you decide x
My friend who had a baby last week is still very close to her ex from years and years ago. They decided to call it a day because they both wanted different things. They could have stayed locked in a battle of wills, both trying to change things so the relationship fulfilled them, but it would have been like a tug of war, and ended in resentments. As it is, her Ex is still a close friend to her and her new partner, and was the first person to visit the new baby. This could never have been the case if they hadn't both been completely transparent about what they wanted in the future in her case marriage and a baby. In his case, for things to stay as they were forever.
Good luck, whatever you decide
x
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