The Language of Letting Go, December 9
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The Language of Letting Go, December 9
DECEMBER 9
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Asking for Help
It's okay to ask for help.
One of the most absurd things we do to ourselves is not asking for the help we need from a friend, a family member, our Higher Power, or the appropriate resource.
We don't have to struggle through feelings and problems alone. We can ask for help from our Higher Power and for support and encouragement from our friends.
Whether what we need is information, encouragement, a hand, a word, a hug, someone who will listen, or a ride, we can ask. We can ask people for what we need from them. We can ask Higher Power for what we need from Higher Power.
It is self-defeating to not ask for the help we need. It keeps us stuck. If we ask long and hard enough, if we direct our request to the right source, we'll get the help we need.
There is a difference between asking someone to rescue us and asking someone in a direct manner for the help we need from him or her. We can be straightforward and let others choose whether to help us or not. If the answer is no, we can deal with that.
It is self-defeating to hint, whine, manipulate, or coerce help out of people. It is annoying to go to people as a victim and expect them to rescue us. It is healthy to ask for help when help is what we need.
"My problem is shame," said one woman. "I wanted to ask for help in dealing with it, but I was to ashamed. Isn't that crazy?"
We who are eager to help others can learn to allow ourselves to receive help. We can learn to make clean contracts about asking for and receiving the help we want and need.
Today I will ask for help if I need it - from people and my Higher Power. I will not be a victim, helplessly waiting to be rescued. I will make my request for help specific, to the point, and I will leave room for the person to choose whether or not to help me. I will not be a martyr any longer by refusing to get the help I deserve in life - the help that makes life simpler. Higher Power, help me let go of my need to do everything alone. Help me use the vast Universe of resources available to me.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Asking for Help
It's okay to ask for help.
One of the most absurd things we do to ourselves is not asking for the help we need from a friend, a family member, our Higher Power, or the appropriate resource.
We don't have to struggle through feelings and problems alone. We can ask for help from our Higher Power and for support and encouragement from our friends.
Whether what we need is information, encouragement, a hand, a word, a hug, someone who will listen, or a ride, we can ask. We can ask people for what we need from them. We can ask Higher Power for what we need from Higher Power.
It is self-defeating to not ask for the help we need. It keeps us stuck. If we ask long and hard enough, if we direct our request to the right source, we'll get the help we need.
There is a difference between asking someone to rescue us and asking someone in a direct manner for the help we need from him or her. We can be straightforward and let others choose whether to help us or not. If the answer is no, we can deal with that.
It is self-defeating to hint, whine, manipulate, or coerce help out of people. It is annoying to go to people as a victim and expect them to rescue us. It is healthy to ask for help when help is what we need.
"My problem is shame," said one woman. "I wanted to ask for help in dealing with it, but I was to ashamed. Isn't that crazy?"
We who are eager to help others can learn to allow ourselves to receive help. We can learn to make clean contracts about asking for and receiving the help we want and need.
Today I will ask for help if I need it - from people and my Higher Power. I will not be a victim, helplessly waiting to be rescued. I will make my request for help specific, to the point, and I will leave room for the person to choose whether or not to help me. I will not be a martyr any longer by refusing to get the help I deserve in life - the help that makes life simpler. Higher Power, help me let go of my need to do everything alone. Help me use the vast Universe of resources available to me.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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There is a difference between asking someone to rescue us and asking someone in a direct manner for the help we need from him or her.
Beginning to understand this difference and how to openly and honestly ask for help--AND to realize that sometimes the answer is no, at least from that particular source--has done a lot for me. I struggle w/the concept of the answer being no at times, but if I allow others to say no, then I myself am allowed to say no too, and that helps me w/that part of it.
Big, big topic today for me, for sure.
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I have a hard time with the idea receiving help. I suppose that means I have a problem with trust as well. Sometimes I view help with a skeptical eye, and as future indebtedness to someone. Right now a lot of the "help" I get feels more like a currency exchange, and in the future I will be called on to do something at the last minute, or something that I don't entirely want to do. I have not been religious in the past, but more and more I am trying to make myself open to a Higher Power's help. Something I need to meditate on, the idea of help, and trust.
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And the flip side - offering someone help and they don't accept it when you KNOW you can help them - lol. 
I am getting better about asking for help. It is unreasonable to think I can do it "all on my own" but putting that martyr thinking aside and letting someone else do the task (and do it their way) is a BIG one for me also.
I am getting better about asking for help. It is unreasonable to think I can do it "all on my own" but putting that martyr thinking aside and letting someone else do the task (and do it their way) is a BIG one for me also.
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But if someone loves me they should be able to read my mind and rescue me.
I should be able to do everything myself. If I ask for help it will put someone out. They will think I am a loser who can't solve her own problems.
Others should remember how much I've done for them and volunteer to help me.
Maybe I'll just keep checking the hardware store for bread while I'm at it.
So yeah, this whole "asking for help from APPROPRIATE sources" might be one of my big recovery issues.
I should be able to do everything myself. If I ask for help it will put someone out. They will think I am a loser who can't solve her own problems.
Others should remember how much I've done for them and volunteer to help me.
Maybe I'll just keep checking the hardware store for bread while I'm at it.
So yeah, this whole "asking for help from APPROPRIATE sources" might be one of my big recovery issues.
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler 
But if someone loves me they should be able to read my mind and rescue me.
I should be able to do everything myself. If I ask for help it will put someone out. They will think I am a loser who can't solve her own problems.
Others should remember how much I've done for them and volunteer to help me.
Maybe I'll just keep checking the hardware store for bread while I'm at it.
So yeah, this whole "asking for help from APPROPRIATE sources" might be one of my big recovery issues.
I should be able to do everything myself. If I ask for help it will put someone out. They will think I am a loser who can't solve her own problems.
Others should remember how much I've done for them and volunteer to help me.
Maybe I'll just keep checking the hardware store for bread while I'm at it.
So yeah, this whole "asking for help from APPROPRIATE sources" might be one of my big recovery issues.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
I almost hesitated to post (on the other side of the forum) today thinking:
-If I admit I'm having problems, maybe newcomers will think things still suck further along in recovery
-I don't want anybody to know I'm having relationship problems because they'll think something is wrong with me
-I don't want anybody to know the sick, codependent sorts of thoughts that rule my head at times.
So many reasons not to reach out and ask for help. But the truth is that most people are happy to help. It makes them feel good to lend a hand and be there, so long as we're not taking advantage.
-If I admit I'm having problems, maybe newcomers will think things still suck further along in recovery
-I don't want anybody to know I'm having relationship problems because they'll think something is wrong with me
-I don't want anybody to know the sick, codependent sorts of thoughts that rule my head at times.
So many reasons not to reach out and ask for help. But the truth is that most people are happy to help. It makes them feel good to lend a hand and be there, so long as we're not taking advantage.
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Location: Texas
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I think that's the biggie in asking for help-it really boils down to our fear of what others will think of us....if we admit to our demons, our dark skeletons, our cobwebs, lies, manipulation, abuse-what would others think if us?!? Well, lying about those things and not asking for help just makes us liars and vain in our pride. When we speak the truth, the good the bad and the ugly, it's amazing who God places in our lives to help us when we truly ask for help and are willing to ACT on that help.
Just my humble two cents. Peace to y'all!
Just my humble two cents. Peace to y'all!
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Brene Brown says that two of the most compassionate words we can say when someone near us is in a bad place are "me too." It lets that person know they are NOT alone, they are NOT flawed while the rest of us are perfect and judging them for being "less than."
I think asking for help is a great big "me too" in its own way. It says "nope, I'm not perfect, and I'm being vulnerable and honest in showing you that when I ask you for help." And answering that request for help is, of course, a "me too" too. We're all in this together!
I think asking for help is a great big "me too" in its own way. It says "nope, I'm not perfect, and I'm being vulnerable and honest in showing you that when I ask you for help." And answering that request for help is, of course, a "me too" too. We're all in this together!
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
But if someone loves me they should be able to read my mind and rescue me.
I should be able to do everything myself. If I ask for help it will put someone out. They will think I am a loser who can't solve her own problems.
Others should remember how much I've done for them and volunteer to help me.
Maybe I'll just keep checking the hardware store for bread while I'm at it.
So yeah, this whole "asking for help from APPROPRIATE sources" might be one of my big recovery issues.
I should be able to do everything myself. If I ask for help it will put someone out. They will think I am a loser who can't solve her own problems.
Others should remember how much I've done for them and volunteer to help me.
Maybe I'll just keep checking the hardware store for bread while I'm at it.
So yeah, this whole "asking for help from APPROPRIATE sources" might be one of my big recovery issues.
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