Lyssy

Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Uuggg. I think it is easier to stop and think about doing something and NOT have to do the "promptly admit" after the fact.

I had to admit wrong and ask forgiveness from my RAH this morning. I resorted to my old ways last night (a highly triggering "holiday/family" related issue). I got all defensive and controlling and had to apologize and admit my wrong doing <hanging head>.

In the past, when he was drinking, this issue tended to be a huge argument maker - lol. So last night, when he brought it up I got my cockles up and marched right back into it.

I realized on my drive to work that my reaction was wrong and promptly sent him an email and apologized and explained I was still working on me.

It was also an opportunity to outline everything that is going on for the next three weeks so it is in writing and he knows everything I have going on too.

honeypig

So easy to fall back into that rut--yesterday XAH and I were discussing some large jointly-owned items that we'd like to sell. One needs repairs and XAH was being proactive and had scheduled a repair guy, since XAH is still off of work w/his injuries. However, I don't have time in my schedule in the near future to post the item online, be here for phone calls and/or lookers, etc. I found myself falling back into the same crappy communication patterns, him getting more and more defensive while I dug my own hole deeper. I could see and feel myself doing it while feeling powerless to do anything different/better! So frustrating!

Finally I just stopped talking and said "I am so sorry. I am going down the same path we have a million times in the past and I just can't seem to stop myself. On the one hand, it would be good to get this taken care of, and on the other, I feel that waiting would allow me to deal with IT and YOU from a much better place. Can we wait a little bit and I'll see if I can get my head on straight about this and THEN talk to you?" He agreed that this would be OK.

Later that day, he called and said that he'd cancelled the repair guy for now, b/c after all, the item in question has waited this long and waiting a little bit longer is not going to be a big deal. Between his schedule and my own, even if he is back to work before we try to sell these things, one of us can be here at virtually any time of the day, so there really and truly is no time pressure.

So the problem was settled peacefully and successfully, altho the only credit I can take is that I saw how I was engaging, realized I was having no luck turning the tide and said "I have to disengage, I can't be reasonable right now, can it wait?" At least I didn't jump into the blaming and guilt and anger and "well, SOME of us have to work" and other crappy childish stuff I would have spewed in the past.

LexieCat

That's awesome work, guys.

HP, I'm so glad you were able to stop that before it got ugly. I'm working right now on accepting/rejecting edits on an article I worked on. My initial reaction is always to get all defensive, and I usually have to read over the edits and come back with a calmer head, at which time I can usually see which edits really do improve the article and which are mere stylistic changes where I can say, "Nope, like what I did better." Fortunately, I don't have to talk to/be around anyone who made edits until I've had a chance to do my little mental tantrum, lol.

honeypig

Honestly, if I had to pick just one recovery tool to take to a desert island w/me, it would be learning to wait/leave it till later/say "can I think about that for a bit?" when I'm not able to be reasonable at the current moment. It is something I had never, ever done before SR/Alanon.

Altho I guess if I was alone on a desert island, I might not have as much use for that tool as I do in my daily life here...?

Liveitwell

^ HP-me too....I think that is such a valuable tool. It's ok to say, "I need some time to think about this" and get into a better place emotionally. It's also ok to say NO-to anyone that interferes with your peace-who knew?!?


Peace to you, friend.

Wisconsin

That has been my number one recovery tool, too, HP. And it is so much more peaceful to use that tool now that I'm on my own and don't have to deal with STBXAH's reaction that "needing some time" was somehow "disrespectful" of him.

Thanks for the shares, ladies. Good stuff!

ladyscribbler

Yeah, I often use Step 10 as a way to "check myself before I wreck myself."
I will actually be thinking- "No, don't say/do that. Do you really want to have to make amends to this MF later?" That usually works.
I got myself into some trouble the other day by rushing into an old pattern with my mom. Instead of saying a clear "no" and laying down a firm boundary about something I was uncomfortable doing, I hemmed and hawed and made excuses instead. She of course did her part, which was to remove the obstacles I had created (instead of just saying "no") so that she could steamroll over me. Sigh.
So where's that desert island again? I'm just about ready to decorate a palm tree for Christmas and wait for Santa to drop a coconut on my head.