Quitting drinking and the 5 stages of grief
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Quitting drinking and the 5 stages of grief
Quitting drinking is hard. Quitting the drinking lifestyle, in my opinion, is even harder. We've spent years in situations where we were accepted, praised, even respected for our drinking prowess. Maybe you were known as "the girl who could hang with the guys" or "the dude who could drink anyone under the table". We collected nicknames, some classic pictures, juicy stories and plenty of friends. This type of lifestyle, after many years, is something that shapes an alcoholic's identity. That beer, that drink, that glass of wine in our hands...that was our personality, our safety net, our magic pill.
And now...poof. The drinking is gone. What comes next?
The 5 stages of grief come to mind. At first, there's some big time denial at work. "I can still go to bars and hang out" and "I'll still go to those parties and keep rockin'" are a few of the more common phrases. We will not let the absence of alcohol steal our fun - we are going to keep doing what we've always done! This, of course, leads to another part of the grieving process: bargaining. Okay, okay, so we won't party anymore - but we still get to keep that old bottle of scotch in the cupboard. We will remain sober...but those wine glasses cost $80 for the set at Crate and Barrel, and they look so nice...we get to keep them. Then comes anger. This isn't fair! Why does everyone else get to drink, and I don't? I'm not a criminal! Conspiracy! This is bullscratch! Depression, of course, can be bear: Woe is me. I'm doomed to live the rest of my life in a dark cave on the edge of the world. I'm not even sure this sober life is worth living. Who will ever want me as a friend, a lover, or colleague?
But wait: all is not lost! Because, as you've already guessed, the final stage of grief is acceptance. And if you can power all of that crap above and get to this stage, you're in for a life changing experience. In my case, I have accepted that alcohol is gone from my life. I can accept that today - and tomorrow I will do my best to accept the fact once again.
Oh yeah: and acceptance doesn't mean you are going to accept a crappy life from here on out. Nuh-uh. It means that you are accepting the fact that you can climb higher, travel further, live better, and rock harder WITHOUT alcohol in your life!!!
Grieving is not fun. We've been there, we know. But stick with sobriety, people. It's never too late to give life your best shot. It's never too late to become the person you always knew you could be.
And now...poof. The drinking is gone. What comes next?
The 5 stages of grief come to mind. At first, there's some big time denial at work. "I can still go to bars and hang out" and "I'll still go to those parties and keep rockin'" are a few of the more common phrases. We will not let the absence of alcohol steal our fun - we are going to keep doing what we've always done! This, of course, leads to another part of the grieving process: bargaining. Okay, okay, so we won't party anymore - but we still get to keep that old bottle of scotch in the cupboard. We will remain sober...but those wine glasses cost $80 for the set at Crate and Barrel, and they look so nice...we get to keep them. Then comes anger. This isn't fair! Why does everyone else get to drink, and I don't? I'm not a criminal! Conspiracy! This is bullscratch! Depression, of course, can be bear: Woe is me. I'm doomed to live the rest of my life in a dark cave on the edge of the world. I'm not even sure this sober life is worth living. Who will ever want me as a friend, a lover, or colleague?
But wait: all is not lost! Because, as you've already guessed, the final stage of grief is acceptance. And if you can power all of that crap above and get to this stage, you're in for a life changing experience. In my case, I have accepted that alcohol is gone from my life. I can accept that today - and tomorrow I will do my best to accept the fact once again.
Oh yeah: and acceptance doesn't mean you are going to accept a crappy life from here on out. Nuh-uh. It means that you are accepting the fact that you can climb higher, travel further, live better, and rock harder WITHOUT alcohol in your life!!!
Grieving is not fun. We've been there, we know. But stick with sobriety, people. It's never too late to give life your best shot. It's never too late to become the person you always knew you could be.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,414
Thanks BigS
For someone like me, whose drinking defined him, and whose life was all about the next drink, it was really hard.
I worked my way through though to the point where I accepted change was necessary. I accepted my drinking was going to get worse not better.
I have to admit I thought sobriety would be like a prison sentence...but it's not - it's exactly the opposite of being confined
D
For someone like me, whose drinking defined him, and whose life was all about the next drink, it was really hard.
I worked my way through though to the point where I accepted change was necessary. I accepted my drinking was going to get worse not better.
I have to admit I thought sobriety would be like a prison sentence...but it's not - it's exactly the opposite of being confined
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
I love it BigS. Great insight. So true. I got caught in bargaining for a long time. When I thought I could moderate my drinking. That didn't work out so well.
I've finally achieved some sort of acceptance and peace. Life is infinitely better. Still ups and downs but who doesn't have those? I've learned new life habits and skills and I'm better for it.
Thanks for that. It was thought provoking for me.
I've finally achieved some sort of acceptance and peace. Life is infinitely better. Still ups and downs but who doesn't have those? I've learned new life habits and skills and I'm better for it.
Thanks for that. It was thought provoking for me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Somerset
Posts: 933
Thank you Bigsombrero,
That made good reading, perfect timing too.
I've been really annoyed with myself for the negative emotions I've been experiencing since my girlfriend went out partying with friends till dawn this weekend. In the meantime I was doing my best hermit impersonation and didn't leave the house.
I accept, those days are over for me and now know something better is just round the corner.
Thank you again.
That made good reading, perfect timing too.
I've been really annoyed with myself for the negative emotions I've been experiencing since my girlfriend went out partying with friends till dawn this weekend. In the meantime I was doing my best hermit impersonation and didn't leave the house.
I accept, those days are over for me and now know something better is just round the corner.
Thank you again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 734
Thanks Big S
Echoing those sentiments too Tufty - dealing with the fact that all of it is over and what has been the whole of adult life - the non stop party has finally ended - I've accepted that I've finally retired and now onto pastures new.
Echoing those sentiments too Tufty - dealing with the fact that all of it is over and what has been the whole of adult life - the non stop party has finally ended - I've accepted that I've finally retired and now onto pastures new.
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,197
Thanks BigS
Breaking with alcohol really does seem like a bereavement - but in reality it is the death of a really bad news bad influence friend who was not your friend at all.
There will be more horizons to aim for without booze (or whatever) than with it
Breaking with alcohol really does seem like a bereavement - but in reality it is the death of a really bad news bad influence friend who was not your friend at all.
There will be more horizons to aim for without booze (or whatever) than with it
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Thanks BigS
For someone like me, whose drinking defined him, and whose life was all about the next drink, it was really hard.
I worked my way through though to the point where I accepted change was necessary. I accepted my drinking was going to get worse not better.
I have to admit I thought sobriety would be like a prison sentence...but it's not - it's exactly the opposite of being confined
D
For someone like me, whose drinking defined him, and whose life was all about the next drink, it was really hard.
I worked my way through though to the point where I accepted change was necessary. I accepted my drinking was going to get worse not better.
I have to admit I thought sobriety would be like a prison sentence...but it's not - it's exactly the opposite of being confined
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Somerset
Posts: 933
Originally Posted by RedAndy
the non stop party has finally ended - I've accepted that I've finally retired and now onto pastures new.
For me it's still a bitter pill stuck in my throat but I accept the music has to stop sometime. And if not now then when....... as Tracey Chapman might like to say.
I've read and re-read the original post and I'll just take it that I'm grieving at the moment. It's easy to romanticise my past but the truth is it's far from romantic. Unhealthy, expensive and quite frankly unbecoming of a man of my age is more like the truth.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 507
Originally Posted by tufty13
Thank you Bigsombrero,
That made good reading, perfect timing too.
I've been really annoyed with myself for the negative emotions I've been experiencing since my girlfriend went out partying with friends till dawn this weekend. In the meantime I was doing my best hermit impersonation and didn't leave the house.
I accept, those days are over for me and now know something better is just round the corner.
Thank you again.
That made good reading, perfect timing too.
I've been really annoyed with myself for the negative emotions I've been experiencing since my girlfriend went out partying with friends till dawn this weekend. In the meantime I was doing my best hermit impersonation and didn't leave the house.
I accept, those days are over for me and now know something better is just round the corner.
Thank you again.
Something like this came to mind: https://youtu.be/wdpkw3YafwA
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Originally Posted by tufty13
I've read and re-read the original post and I'll just take it that I'm grieving at the moment. It's easy to romanticise my past but the truth is it's far from romantic. Unhealthy, expensive and quite frankly unbecoming of a man of my age is more like the truth.
But you're right....if not now, when? I travel a lot and take solo adventures around the world. I often found myself staying at hostels and drinking alone or with young kids in the lobby all day, instead of seeing the sights. It was indeed quite unbecoming for a man my age.
It was hard to flip things around. But it's been well worth it. I've grown 20 years maturity-wise in the last 3.5 years since I got sober. Feels great to be on this side of the coin. Glad you are going to join us here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by bigsombrero
Quitting drinking is hard. Quitting the drinking lifestyle, in my opinion, is even harder. We've spent years in situations where we were accepted, praised, even respected for our drinking prowess. Maybe you were known as "the girl who could hang with the guys" or "the dude who could drink anyone under the table". We collected nicknames, some classic pictures, juicy stories and plenty of friends. This type of lifestyle, after many years, is something that shapes an alcoholic's identity. That beer, that drink, that glass of wine in our hands...that was our personality, our safety net, our magic pill.
And now...poof. The drinking is gone. What comes next?
The 5 stages of grief come to mind. At first, there's some big time denial at work. "I can still go to bars and hang out" and "I'll still go to those parties and keep rockin'" are a few of the more common phrases. We will not let the absence of alcohol steal our fun - we are going to keep doing what we've always done! This, of course, leads to another part of the grieving process: bargaining. Okay, okay, so we won't party anymore - but we still get to keep that old bottle of scotch in the cupboard. We will remain sober...but those wine glasses cost $80 for the set at Crate and Barrel, and they look so nice...we get to keep them. Then comes anger. This isn't fair! Why does everyone else get to drink, and I don't? I'm not a criminal! Conspiracy! This is bullscratch! Depression, of course, can be bear: Woe is me. I'm doomed to live the rest of my life in a dark cave on the edge of the world. I'm not even sure this sober life is worth living. Who will ever want me as a friend, a lover, or colleague?
But wait: all is not lost! Because, as you've already guessed, the final stage of grief is acceptance. And if you can power all of that crap above and get to this stage, you're in for a life changing experience. In my case, I have accepted that alcohol is gone from my life. I can accept that today - and tomorrow I will do my best to accept the fact once again.
Oh yeah: and acceptance doesn't mean you are going to accept a crappy life from here on out. Nuh-uh. It means that you are accepting the fact that you can climb higher, travel further, live better, and rock harder WITHOUT alcohol in your life!!!
Grieving is not fun. We've been there, we know. But stick with sobriety, people. It's never too late to give life your best shot. It's never too late to become the person you always knew you could be.
And now...poof. The drinking is gone. What comes next?
The 5 stages of grief come to mind. At first, there's some big time denial at work. "I can still go to bars and hang out" and "I'll still go to those parties and keep rockin'" are a few of the more common phrases. We will not let the absence of alcohol steal our fun - we are going to keep doing what we've always done! This, of course, leads to another part of the grieving process: bargaining. Okay, okay, so we won't party anymore - but we still get to keep that old bottle of scotch in the cupboard. We will remain sober...but those wine glasses cost $80 for the set at Crate and Barrel, and they look so nice...we get to keep them. Then comes anger. This isn't fair! Why does everyone else get to drink, and I don't? I'm not a criminal! Conspiracy! This is bullscratch! Depression, of course, can be bear: Woe is me. I'm doomed to live the rest of my life in a dark cave on the edge of the world. I'm not even sure this sober life is worth living. Who will ever want me as a friend, a lover, or colleague?
But wait: all is not lost! Because, as you've already guessed, the final stage of grief is acceptance. And if you can power all of that crap above and get to this stage, you're in for a life changing experience. In my case, I have accepted that alcohol is gone from my life. I can accept that today - and tomorrow I will do my best to accept the fact once again.
Oh yeah: and acceptance doesn't mean you are going to accept a crappy life from here on out. Nuh-uh. It means that you are accepting the fact that you can climb higher, travel further, live better, and rock harder WITHOUT alcohol in your life!!!
Grieving is not fun. We've been there, we know. But stick with sobriety, people. It's never too late to give life your best shot. It's never too late to become the person you always knew you could be.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Somerset
Posts: 933
Originally Posted by bigsombrero
I've grown 20 years maturity-wise in the last 3.5 years since I got sober. Feels great to be on this side of the coin. Glad you are going to join us here.
When I explained my decision to stop drinking to my girlfriend I told her that I had become completely stuck. I told her that I wanted to grow emotionally and spiritually and that wouldn't be possible if I was spending my weekends barely being present.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
I think for me there have been three phases....I hope it doesn't mean I have a lot more pain to come. Denial - Bargaining - Resignation.
It just kind of feels like a sad but definite acceptance of a fact, and that I need to draw a line and move on. I am more calm than angry and more optomistic than depressed. It kind of feels like when your parents told you there was no Santa and as sad as you were you knew you had just crossed a line over into the real big boys world.
It just kind of feels like a sad but definite acceptance of a fact, and that I need to draw a line and move on. I am more calm than angry and more optomistic than depressed. It kind of feels like when your parents told you there was no Santa and as sad as you were you knew you had just crossed a line over into the real big boys world.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
