New friends
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 8
New friends
How did you guys deal with cutting out the old drinking/ using buddies? I can sense that they don't seem too happy with my decision to go sober and don't seem very supportive. One of them I have been friends with for 10 years so we kind of grew up and developed our problems together and I don't want him to think that I am trying to 'preach' towards him or being judgemental as I just want to help him see that there are other options out there.
I don't know I guess I'm just scared to lose people who I've grown up with as I think they'll continue to use and ill continue not to which will separate us and that I'll be lonely.
Will I simply have to avoid them in my recovery if they continue and make myself some new lovely sober friends?
I don't know I guess I'm just scared to lose people who I've grown up with as I think they'll continue to use and ill continue not to which will separate us and that I'll be lonely.
Will I simply have to avoid them in my recovery if they continue and make myself some new lovely sober friends?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,498
Hi Daniel,
This is a very common problem for people in early recovery.
It's hard for others to understand alcoholism and that in itself can cause people to be not supportive. It's also possible that your sobriety is threatening to friends who may be concerned that they, too, have a problem. And, a lot of people don't like change, and you are changing.
I had to stay away from people and places involving alcohol for many months. I had to do that to make it work. If they are true friends, they will stick with you through your recovery. And, since change is fundamental to early recovery, maybe you could try some new activities and hope to meet some new people.
This is a very common problem for people in early recovery.
It's hard for others to understand alcoholism and that in itself can cause people to be not supportive. It's also possible that your sobriety is threatening to friends who may be concerned that they, too, have a problem. And, a lot of people don't like change, and you are changing.
I had to stay away from people and places involving alcohol for many months. I had to do that to make it work. If they are true friends, they will stick with you through your recovery. And, since change is fundamental to early recovery, maybe you could try some new activities and hope to meet some new people.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
For me I had to sit back and realise that if I made such a life changing decision, a life/death decision, something that went to the core of my life and my health, I would want my friends to back my corner in that, and surely a friend would?
I wouldn't be getting involved in the debates or discussions around it, I simply met up with people and say I'm not drinking today, or I've cut back on my drinking, and that was it, those that didn't push it they were keepers, the ones that pushed it too far, I kinda thought to myself, are these the people I would want at my side in a major life crisis, when this simple thing is beyond their grasp?
In an interesting twist of things some of the people who got it started to back up my decision for me towards those that pushed it, and that I really appreciated.
You're right, there are many people out there that don't drink, there are also those that do but alcohol is not the centre of their universe, new hobbies, new interests, they will all come with new people to meet and get to know!!
I wouldn't be getting involved in the debates or discussions around it, I simply met up with people and say I'm not drinking today, or I've cut back on my drinking, and that was it, those that didn't push it they were keepers, the ones that pushed it too far, I kinda thought to myself, are these the people I would want at my side in a major life crisis, when this simple thing is beyond their grasp?
In an interesting twist of things some of the people who got it started to back up my decision for me towards those that pushed it, and that I really appreciated.
You're right, there are many people out there that don't drink, there are also those that do but alcohol is not the centre of their universe, new hobbies, new interests, they will all come with new people to meet and get to know!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 770
It was a mixed bag for me, But it helped to replace them with people with healthier hobbies and lifestyles.
A few of them have come back into my life at 4 years sober and it has been really sweet reconnecting with them but in the beginning it just helped to have sober friends. A lot of my life changed when I got sober and to be honest I just found myself being bored around my old friends, they're lives were realky stagnant and I was ready for change.
A few of them have come back into my life at 4 years sober and it has been really sweet reconnecting with them but in the beginning it just helped to have sober friends. A lot of my life changed when I got sober and to be honest I just found myself being bored around my old friends, they're lives were realky stagnant and I was ready for change.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Madison, WI
Posts: 793
I found out real quickly who my "friends" were, multiple times. Realized that you are either for me or against me. Made the decision to let the latter group go. Its not easy, but the relationship with YOU is the only one that matters right now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 376
I think your true friends will be supportive. I myself really can't go back to the local pub as I could never control myself there, so I am sure I will lose some of those 'friends' - but that is ok.
My issue is that I just don't want anyone to think they have to tip toe around me. If you want to have a drink, have at it - I am not trying to change you, I just need to change myself and I got this.
My issue is that I just don't want anyone to think they have to tip toe around me. If you want to have a drink, have at it - I am not trying to change you, I just need to change myself and I got this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Its really hard, particularly when most or all of your friends are drinking friends, as most of mine have become. I was slow to cut them last time around and find new non drinking friends and I think that was a major factor that contributed to my drinking again. Eventually I missed going out and had nobody to call on other than my drinking buddies.
I think the best approach is to tell your existing drinking friends that you have quit and you won't be going drinking with them again but that you don't want to lose contact with them either and then find non drinking things to do. Meanwhile widen your social circle to find new hobbies and new non drinking friends.
I think the best approach is to tell your existing drinking friends that you have quit and you won't be going drinking with them again but that you don't want to lose contact with them either and then find non drinking things to do. Meanwhile widen your social circle to find new hobbies and new non drinking friends.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
My experience is pretty much like other peoples here.
By the end of my drinking days I had a lot of drinking buddies - very few of them supported me because for most of them the glue that kept us together was alcohol.
I had other friends tho, and I made lots of new ones.
D
By the end of my drinking days I had a lot of drinking buddies - very few of them supported me because for most of them the glue that kept us together was alcohol.
I had other friends tho, and I made lots of new ones.
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
A few of my old drinking buddies turned out to be keepers, and are happy to meet up to do other stuff (go for coffee or food, or some random activity, or just hang out) - not many of them though. It was painful to realise that some people who I'd considered to be friends were just fellow boozers. Regrading your 10 year pal, give it a chance. Explain what you are doing for yourself, and that you'll miss them, and ask if they fancy meeting up to do something else. Sounds like they could do with a distraction from their own addictions. But be prepared for them to not manage that. You will also need to have ideas at the ready if they're still living in the old life.
I made some new friends at AA - of course not everyone will become a close friend, but I've made enough close ones that I can meet up with people most weekends to do something.
Also - I thought back to some of the OLD friends that I didn't bother with because those people were 'boring' (ie didn't want to spend every moment outside of work getting smashed). I reached out to some of them, and have enjoyed getting to know them again - and that's after over 20 years of me neglecting them. Amazing really.
I made some new friends at AA - of course not everyone will become a close friend, but I've made enough close ones that I can meet up with people most weekends to do something.
Also - I thought back to some of the OLD friends that I didn't bother with because those people were 'boring' (ie didn't want to spend every moment outside of work getting smashed). I reached out to some of them, and have enjoyed getting to know them again - and that's after over 20 years of me neglecting them. Amazing really.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 507
It's hard. A change in lifestyle may well mean a change in your friendships. Some will be happy to adapt, others won't. Some might be happy for you that you've made this decision, others who maybe drink as much as you did will feel you're saying they have a drinking problem, and will struggle to accept it. And may want to avoid the new sober you.
There's little you can do about how others react, other than to stay true to what's best for you.
My only bit of advice is to really, really avoid trying to advise others in any way. You mentioned you want to show one friend there are other options out there, but the only effective way I think you can do that is by example. Just live your life sober. And hopefully when they see your world hasn't collapsed, that you still smile, crack jokes, have fun, that might be an inspiration for them. But any hint that you're judging them or suggesting they have a problem, even if it's blindingly obvious that they do, and you're trying to be as subtle about it as possible, will likely have the opposite effect to what you want.
There's little you can do about how others react, other than to stay true to what's best for you.
My only bit of advice is to really, really avoid trying to advise others in any way. You mentioned you want to show one friend there are other options out there, but the only effective way I think you can do that is by example. Just live your life sober. And hopefully when they see your world hasn't collapsed, that you still smile, crack jokes, have fun, that might be an inspiration for them. But any hint that you're judging them or suggesting they have a problem, even if it's blindingly obvious that they do, and you're trying to be as subtle about it as possible, will likely have the opposite effect to what you want.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 636
Friends is what kept me drinking and into most of my troubles. Friends that only motivated me and encourage me to drink. Friends that i thought were friends who only call me now to see if I slipped or if I changed my mind about sobriety and want to get wasted tonight.
It hurts me that after 10 yeas or more with these so called friends, they no longer want to hang out with me just because I'm sober. I guess the new and improved me is not acceptable.
At first this hurt but now as days go by I realized that I needed a change in my lifestyle. My old friends don't want to go to the gym or have a healthy meal. They are not capable to come up with ideas on how to open a online business or learn a new skill. I've been able to do this in my short month of sobriety.
Time are lonely now and I've come to accept that, but now I'm willing to meet new people and I'm not ashamed of my sobriety.
It hurts me that after 10 yeas or more with these so called friends, they no longer want to hang out with me just because I'm sober. I guess the new and improved me is not acceptable.
At first this hurt but now as days go by I realized that I needed a change in my lifestyle. My old friends don't want to go to the gym or have a healthy meal. They are not capable to come up with ideas on how to open a online business or learn a new skill. I've been able to do this in my short month of sobriety.
Time are lonely now and I've come to accept that, but now I'm willing to meet new people and I'm not ashamed of my sobriety.
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