Right, now we are BFFs...

Old 12-07-2015, 12:45 PM
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Right, now we are BFFs...

Hi SR friends

So I had "something" with a guy and then he disappeared, causing me great pain. Yes, alcohol was involved at all times so that is the dumb part of me thinking that anything said or done while under the influence was real.

I have to own my part as I was not clear about my thoughts nor my feelings nor expectations. At the time I also felt casual about things and didn't think I would feel more for this guy.

So it was confusing.

Sometimes he appeared as if he was just playing around and sometimes it felt as if he was taking me very seriously.

Anyway.

After some dates he started getting distanced, I didn't push nor looked for him either. Then gladly I lost my mobile phone so I lost our pics and our chats and his number! and I have been happier actually living life without feeling ignored a lot of times, or being criticized or wondering what he is doing, etc.

Recently I learned from someone that "he was having issues with his girl". I had a tough night knowing he was with someone else, I have to admit. Although on the other hand, knowing he was having issues, reassured myself that this guy is unhealthy and it doesn't have to do with me.

Now he is back, talking to me, acting as if nothing happened. (He doesn't have my number but we work in the same company. I know, I know, a mistake.)

He wanted to "have tea" the other day.
So I went.

He said that he had realized that he could not go on the way he has been acting, he said he has hurt many people and had started meditating and remembering many instances where he has been heartless... that sometimes he wishes he really didn't care at all. He seems genuine in his pain.

He confessed he has not loved anyone genuinely and he is a 35-year-old man still living with his parents. Red flags, I know. He knows if he goes on he will end up alone.

Then he invited me to his summer house "for the weekend". Right.



I have to admit that I considered it, still from a place of neediness in myself, but then he had a "family emergency" and we didn't go. Not sure if I believe him though... anyway, after all, it was good for me not fall into the trap once again and have an excellent time and imagine things and then have him ignore me again.

He has looked for me and we have chatted almost daily. As friends we get along, I will still have him in the periphery of my life so I would rather be diplomatic.

I kind of think he cares a lot about someone, that he has toxic patterns playing out with her, and now as he sees I am getting healthier (I dress better, drink more water, eat better, go to bikram yoga, go to a traditional therapist, go to spiritual ceremonies, exercise more self compassion and gratitude, draw my feelings, write...) he is trying to get my sympathy and attention and to get tips for him to feel better and have it work with this other girl. That is what I feel is going on. I might be wrong though but bottomline I do not think I can trust him.

I know even if it was with this guy it would be years for him to be considered a healthy person who has done his amends and takes responsibility for his actions.

So he knows I am into detox teas so we are doing a challenge for December and we are taking a tea for the liver every day. Although I told him its just herbs and it is not a magic potion.

Yesterday he said he was going through too much suffering and now he wants me to take him to my traditional therapist.
I offered to do so, after all my therapist is excellent and works in many levels.

It seems now I am this guy's confidant.
I am ok with staying as friends yet still it is too soon for me.

Anyway my boundaries are more clear now, of course no weekends nor kissing nor flirting, I wait for him to reach out (I do not reach out to him first) and when he contacts me I am friendly like I would be with anyone else... and if I feel like it I listen to him and share what has worked for me. He has asked me for my number but I don't know if I want to give him a new one I will get.

So just sharing where I am at today, this guy is an expert in narcissism and manipulation, maybe not consciously but one can see he is smart and plays people. I need to remind myself that whatever he is showing there is much more he is not telling me and I need to keep a healthy distance. I am usually a kind person so I do not think he suspects I am smarter and wiser now, probably he still thinks I am at his beck and call... and I do not want to be that person anymore.

I really feel I deserve respect from everyone and I need to be kept in check in order not to fall off the wagon.

Thank you for letting me share what I am really thinking and feeling today. After all I am trying not to feel like a victim and realize I will share what I want to share when I want to, with him or with anyone else, and now he is not able to hurt me because I am not placing my heart on the way of a trainwreck nor betting my sanity on his healing process. I have to let his path be his path, and remember I have my own which I can fill with great things for myself and the ones who have truly shown love to me.
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Old 12-07-2015, 12:55 PM
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
this guy is an expert in narcissism and manipulation, I need to remind myself that whatever he is showing there is much more he is not telling me and I need to keep a healthy distance.
.
TC999 - You said it right there^^^

I've been doing hella reading lately on narcissism and he definitely fits the bill. From my experience (personal and literature) you need to RUN and RUN FAST. Please visit Psychology and Mental Health Forum - Psych forums and go to the narcissistic personality disorder threads.....you'll find everything you need to know there.

They know how to manipulate you....they draw you in, suck you dry and then discard you. They're vampires with no empathy!!
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Old 12-07-2015, 02:05 PM
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TC, I feel a sense of deja vu, reading your post. I hear you telling yourself that you're fine, you're not falling for this guy's lines, you're just being friends, yadayada.

But whom are you trying to convince? It sounds to me like you are trying to massage this relationship into something that will end up being OK for you. There are red flags all over the place--hooking him up with your therapist? Whatever spin you put on it, I see you getting sucked into something that will wind up with you hurt. Even the fact that you are talking "boundaries" and how long it might hypothetically take for him to be relationship material suggests you are wading right in.

You are CO-WORKERS. If he doesn't even have your number, why are you hurting your head over someone so clearly unavailable in every conceivable way? Why not spend your energy and time with people who will enhance your life rather than suck it dry?
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Old 12-07-2015, 02:32 PM
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but bottomline I do not think I can trust him.

then what in the hell are you doing?? you say he has something going with another woman, is a narcissist, manipulator, untrustworthy, he's gone so far as to ask to go to YOUR therapist, and you are all la ti da look at us just friends.

i'm gonna have to call BS here hon. this is NOT healthy at ANY level, and you spent a lot of paragraphs trying to rationalize it otherwise.



this isn't the same guy that you worked with when you first came here is it? cuz i just got a real creepy sense of Deja Vu.................
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Old 12-07-2015, 03:11 PM
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Yes, it would be a mistake to think that anything this one does has anything else than self-serving purposes.

It's all about ego and an agenda. I even told him once, he goes observing weaknesses and using people and moving them like pawns on a chess game. Thank you for the reassurance Dimndaruf. I also noticed some gaslighting.

Two other coworkers have warned me too, that know him in different contexts, so I need to listen.
I am struggling a bit with accepting the new dynamics. He wanted to have dinner yesterday and it was his idea, then he cancelled because he had a "family reunion"....
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Old 12-07-2015, 03:21 PM
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Thanks for your responses...

No it's not the same guy, anvilhead! but yes, it is a deja vu from the last time I came here. You are right in that he needs to stay as a coworker and someone away from my life as possible... can't really do No contact though...

But yes, I won't give him or anyone at work my personal number! I have felt so much better without work-related drama or being contacted outside work hours.
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Old 12-07-2015, 03:23 PM
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"Family reunions" don't crop up at the last minute.

Let this guy find his own path to healing--I'd stay completely out of his personal life.
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Old 12-07-2015, 04:02 PM
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I agree with the others.
This man doesn't have anything to offer you apart from friendship filled with dramas.
Great you're stepping back but maybe a few steps further back....
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Old 12-07-2015, 04:08 PM
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Yes enough with his "family reunions" or "family emergencies"

Also I was thinking, even if he has issues with a woman, why would he be calling another one and inviting her for a weekend away?? he should be fixing things with that woman or leaving her if he doesn't care about her and stop losing her time. Again things are quite sketchy and there are many things that are not being said, or he is just playing around casually, with several girls.

It is very helpful to write these things, because of course if you see him in real life he is this excellent person, a gentleman and loved by everyone, a leader, etc etc. He even opens the doors...

I think I will have "family reunions" too and hopefully he leaves me alone...
I was doing better when he was away from my life, there was less confusion.

That therapist I see and the one he wants to see as well is a known traditional therapist around here, so I kind of get why he also wants to go with him (Maya tradition). Anyway he had the chance to go this week and he preferred not to take that chance (because on Thursday there is something at work and he will probably end up drunk/too tired to wake up early in the morning) - so maybe I just give him his # and he can sort out things directly... after all I am not his secretary...
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Old 12-07-2015, 04:15 PM
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Yes Rosiepetal

I really have no idea why he suddenly started looking for me so often and insistently and then telling me a lot of his deeper issues. Probably people are getting tired of him and I was the only dumb one still giving him chances or the time of day... or he was trying to send me the message that "maybe he can change" and try to lure me again to be his company...

But no my friends, between this one and the last XABF I am slightly smarter and can start to imagine other kind of people around me... and I have also made peace with loneliness, recently I have been made aware of all the pain and loneliness I have carried throughout life, I know I can't keep operating from that place anymore.... or people like this one arrive, and I try to cling to an illusion...
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