Blu96

Hi... I've just recently joined this site because I've been driving myself crazy ever since my bf of 3 years left me randomly.

He drank heavier when we first started dating, he was depressed, but through our relationship, he improved. Drinking started to decrease, for a job (he is high functioning), was a good, caring person.

We spoke marriage and babies. And I believed everything he said because I saw his "progress". But he started to become distant, he pulled away, was secretive, drank a little more again (not as bad as before). And after everything we've been through, everything I've done for him to support him in so many ways, he leaves me and our life and I am having trouble picking up the pieces.

He didn't even sit me down, he just had a bad day and blurted out that he wanted to break up. Packed his majority of his stuff and left. I'm pathetic. I clung to him and wouldn't let him go, crying like a crazy person. Truth is tho, even in retrospect, I'd probably act the same way, it was so abrupt.

I altered myself, my needs and wants, to show him he was worthy of love. I'm sure there were other things involved in our breakup (I make a considerable amount more) but he said our personalities don't mesh. That was the reason I got after 3 years.

He drunk texted me 2 weeks later saying he missed me and loved
Me but that he has baggage and demons and anger that he can't let go of. Why didn't he talk to me so we could work it out? Did he just get scared? He told me that I helped him in so many ways and that he owes me so much but that he is happier alone right now. Most of the tension in our relationship did stem from his drinking. It ruled us. I drove everywhere or if I wanted to drink, we took a taxi. Anywhere we ate at a sit-down had to serve alcohol. The little money he did make went to buying at least 2-3 bottles weekly, plus a 12 pack.

Even after all this, I still miss him. I miss our life. I miss so many things (good things) about him. I sit here worrying about him. I constantly check social media. I worry he won't wake up to go to work or he won't have money to pay his bills.

What is wrong with me? I still believe he can change. I've seen his progress. I am looking for answers of why and he can't really give me any detailed explanation.

The man I loved has become so cold to me. The few times we have texted, he has said he never meant to hurt me. He said this is hard on him too and that he misses and loves me. How is it that HE broke up with ME? After everything!?!! And now he's the strong one and I'm a mess!

Edit: it's been 3 weeks since he left me.

AnvilheadII

hi and welcome. sorry for what brings you here.

alcoholism is a progressive illness.....unless the alcoholic STOPS drinking completely, the disease will progress. in fact, even when the drinking stops, the disease doesn't go away, it remains underneath, progressing. that is why after years of sobriety, if an alcoholic resumes drinking, they quickly return if not surpass where they where when they stopped and it gets even harder to quit again.

so while he did cut back, he didn't STOP. every drink fed the beast. and no matter what YOU did, his problem remained, and over time he began to drink more, often in secret. and the alcoholic voice inside his head convinced him that he'd be better off alone, able to drink unencumbered, rather than try to PRETEND he had it all under control.

it's not YOU. it's not what you did or didn't do. he had a drinking problem when you met and long before you met. since he is not willing to address it and take the necessary actions to quit, his problem continued throughout your relationship. while he is not a lost cause, he will have to decide if this is something he chooses to face.

you didn't CAUSE this.
you cannot CURE this.
and you you cannot CONTROL this.

you can only take care of YOU now.

I altered myself, my needs and wants, to show him he was worthy of love. it is time to take care of your own needs, your own wants, your own life, and re-establish that YOU are most worthy of your own love. i know you can't see it right now, but be VERY thankful you did not marry an active alcoholic and then have children with him.

SparkleKitty

First of all, hugs. It has only been three weeks. It's normal for such a short time after any break-up to be dealing with very very powerful feelings. I am sorry you are in such pain right now. I am very glad, though, that you are here.

Of your whole post, the thing that resonated with me the most was this:

"I altered myself, my needs and wants, to show him he was worthy of love."

That resonates with me because it was what I used to do with everyone. I learned it from living with an unhappy, alcoholic mother. Later, when I became involved in a relationship with an alcoholic, I did it with him too.

Neither of those relationships worked out the way I was trying to make them work out. I was trying to change myself so I could change THEM. It was very controlling of me to insist that I knew better than others how they should live their life. It took a long time for me to learn that unless I accepted someone else just as they were, I would not be able to be in a healthy relationship with them. I would always be trying to fix them to ease my own discomfort with their choices.

And until I learned to accept MYSELF just as I was, I wouldn't be able to give anyone else the same gift.

I hope you stick around, read a lot and ask a lot of questions. The dynamic you describe here isn't unusual, and neither is the end result. I imagine it was hard for your ex to feel all the time like you wanted to change him. And I know it was hard for you to see such potential in him to be a better man if only he would work a little harder, make some different choices. At the end of the day, though, it does sound like neither of you were fulfilling each other's needs and wants.

I know you still believe he can change. Anybody can change. They just have to want to. It sounds like he does not want to change. Not for you, not for your relationship, and not for him. That's his right. It sucks, but there it is.

There is an opportunity for you here and now to explore why you would go to those length of sublimating what you really want and need for the sake of having a relationship with someone who couldn't or wouldn't be a good partner to you. Why it was more important for him to change than for you to let go and seek out other means of fulfillment.

Personally I have found that continuing contact after a break up has just prolonged the pain and delayed the process of moving on, but I understand how hard it can be. I can only say that I never got any satisfying answers, closure, or resolution from continuing to ask the person who hurt me to heal me. Only I could heal me.

Again, I am sorry you're in pain. You're in good hands here.

Ally89

There is nothing wrong with you.

The person you have loved and shared your life with for 3 years has suddenly up and left without any reasonable explanation. I defy anyone to have that happen to them and not feel like they are going crazy.

Blu I have been there. I promise you everything you write I have said, felt and questioned. Nothing makes sense, you don't eat, can't sleep and no one seems to understand. They are all sympathetic and supportive but cannot really understand. That is because the whole thing is illogical and irrational and fueled by the disease of addiction.

My XABF changed almost overnight to me. He couldn't give me a reason either. In the end I actually reduced myself to supplying him with possibilities- all the things I thought I might have done wrong. What a horrible thing position to place someone in. In the end the only reason he could give was that 'we have different opinions on things'. WTH?! If you think you will find someone that shares your opinions completely then you will be bitterly disappointed in life. Of course once I asked him to give me an example he couldn't. I know now the 'things' he spoke of was alcohol!

I will tell you what my mum said to me- If something does not make sense, it is usually because it is not true. Please stop searching. I can tell you from experience it is pointless.

Text messages I received about splitting our flat and finances were robotic. I had to show them to my family to confirm what I was seeing and they were shocked. Completely emotionless. How you might address a friend you knew years ago and randomly bumped into them in the street, not someone you shared your whole life with only weeks before.

It is baffling. Read the stickys at the top of the forum- especially the Classic Reading. Also google Addiction, Lies and Relationships by
Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. Read up on what addiction does to people.

It has only been 3 weeks, this will not go away overnight but believe me reading all you can will help.

nowinsituation

I am in the same boat - and struggling for an answer that makes sense. In my case we were together for 6 years, married for 4. All of a sudden he tells me that our personalities are not compatible??? He has been out for two weeks. Now arguing about him getting the rest of his stuff out of the house. He was supposed to do it last weekend as I was gone. I came back it was still there... "It's not a priority for me" he says. I go to my lawyer tomorrow; I'm going to make it a priority......

I am getting a lot of help reading this thread.....

honeypig

Blu96, I don't quite know if this is true^^.

This ^^ doesn't speak to me of him being "the strong one" in the relationship. What it does, is it screams out loud to me that alcohol is by far the most important thing in his life. In my book, that doesn't make someone "strong", it makes them an addict.

As others have said, you'll get nowhere by trying to make sense of a nonsensical situation. I was married to XAH for 19 years; he lied to me and stole from our savings accounts for probably about 18-1/2 years of that time. However, he also did/built/fixed any number of things that were useful, beautiful, kind, thoughtful during that same time. It's part of what kept me there so long--I've since come to see that he was emotionally absent most of the time and on some occasions, verbally/emotionally abusive--but I couldn't square up the disconnect in actions. If he DID love me, how on earth did he lie to and steal from me for nearly 20 years? If he DIDN'T love me, why on earth did he do all the good things he did over the years? (and in his case, I don't believe that it was all just manipulation--some of it was, but some of it was indeed done out of a good intent).

I can chase my tail forever on this one, but even if I understood it, I don't know that it would do much to move me ahead in my own life, which is what I need to do now. You're very new to all this, and it's all very raw, I'm sure. I am so sorry for your pain. A wise member of SR once posted that healing takes time, and time takes time--there is no way to rush it. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and your path will gradually become clear.

noinsanity2423

The only thing I've learned about alcoholics from these forums is that alcohol always comes as a priority before anything else. They will lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, and hurt everyone else to feed the alcohol addiction. His reason for leaving may or may not have been a complete lie, but it sounds to me like he was already looking for an excuse.

You did not cause his drinking, you cannot cure his drinking, and you cannot control his drinking. He will drink regardless of what you do. It's sad that he left, but life can really get miserable with someone that does not want to be in the relationship.

I relate to the part about changing yourself to make him see that he was worthy of love. I changed who I was in my two year relationship, and that did not stop her from abusing me or continuing her addiction. The only person that I could fix in the end was myself.

I agree that reading is your best defense against what you're going through right now. The emotional roller coaster this causes is really intense when it's fresh. It helped me to read others' experiences to see that I really wasn't as crazy and unique as I thought I was. Other people have lived through this and gotten better. "I Left the Chaos" and "Anger Stage" if you ever want to read mine.

I wish you all the best with what you're going through, and it does get better.

bluelily

Blu,
I´m not sure I can help but I feel I´m in the same boat as you right now, you can read my story below. Sending you lots of hugs and support!

This is a terrible experience, I´m going from anger, sadness, loss to feeling sorry for my bf. He is high functioning but drinks about a bottle of wine and two large glasses of vodka every night, I don´t know how he does it! I´ve often hoped he would get liver failure or something like that so he´d be forced to stop drinking.

And yes I relate perfectly to the idea of altering myself to show him he was worthy of love. I´ve often felt like the girl in Leaving Las Vegas, it´s hard to shift the focus on me and my own needs and wants, I get exactly where you´re at.

LexieCat

Take it from one who's been there--liver failure caused only a pause in the drinking. My second husband almost died of it, and after being told (when he'd recovered sufficiently to tolerate a biopsy) that he had EARLY cirrhosis and would be OK IF HE NEVER DRANK AGAIN, he went right back to it. Almost 20 years later and as far as I know he's still drinking himself to death. How he's still alive I have no idea.

minime13

You are feeling all the normal feelings after breaking off a long term relationship in which a lot of your time and energy (and likely money) was devoted to. Something you were building with someone.

In addition, you're also feeling betrayal.

When I left my alcoholic ex, the strongest feeling that took the longest to subside was exactly that. Betrayal.

The alcoholic betrays everyone. The person they betray the most is themselves, believe it or not. They ignore their "right mind" and let the addict make the choices. They put alcohol on a pedestal higher than any human relationship, because they are ill and do unwilling to seek help.

I thought the saddest thing about my relationship was that he openly chose alcohol over the person he once referred to as caring for him more than anyone he's ever known. I mean, think about that. Something that he openly has admitted to destroying his life was his choice. There is no logic in choosing something that you know will destroy you.

But that is the logic of the alcoholic until he decides to get better.

This is out of hands, as hard as it may seem to comprehend. What you are feeling is normal, and it really hurts to feel betrayed by someone who you'd think would never do that because of the bond that was created. But he did betray you, as well as himself.

Your feelings of kind of feeling broken are valid and should be taken with great care. These are feelings letting you know that you need some mending from this relationship, and you do. The fact that we usually compromise ourselves and parts of our lives for the alcoholic is something we shouldn't do, but we do it out of love. Love doesn't heal an alcoholic, but it will heal ourselves. So, take those feelings and process them so that you get the healing you deserve.

I know it's hard, but turn your thoughts away from him. Don't respond to his texts any further, because that's just prolonging it all. He will only get help when he wants to, and he'll only do it for himself. He has to do it for himself. I know this is a sensitive subject on this board,but there's a lot of selfishness that exists in the life of an alcoholic. That's just the way it is, and you can't change it.

I know that it's hard to see this right now, but he's not the strong one here. Like I said above - he chose a bottle over a person. That's not strenth in any respect. His ackowledging his demons and problems he has to work out - that's the truth, and you don't deserve to have to deal with that. That's his mess, and not your responsibility to clean up. Alcoholism is rarely a problem that a couple can work through together. But you do have your own work to do on yourself, to get back to feeling whole again. That is your responsibility. And it's certainly a worthwhile undertaking.

The hurt will pass. Just allow yourself to feel hurt, and process the feelings accordingly. The fog will lift, and you'll soon be able to see things a little more rationally with distance. It's a trauma that you need time and work to heal from. Concentrate on that.

Worrying about him will do you no good. It's a situation you can't control, so don't try to. Even though alcoholics don't tend to act the part, they're all grown adults, and it's their responsibility to take care of themselves. Believe me, it will do him more good than anything else if he has to start facing repercussions of his choices.

Concentrate on yourself right now. Heal yourself. Pretty soon you will realize he did you the biggest favor that you could ask for.

Blu96

I feel like no one understands. But not everyone knows he was an alcoholic and I don't think I even understood how serious it was. I'm reading all these experiences from other people and I'm like it's crazy.. the similaries in the situations. The responses of the alcoholic in the relationship and the actions.. so similar. I can't believe that I allowed myself to be in that situation. And while I still can't believe it, I still want him back. It's the most ridiculous thing ever!

I have this need now to worry about him, to help him, to fix him, to support him. I wonder if he's getting to work on time. I'm scared for his life.

I, too, ended up apologizing to him if I ever made him feel taken for granted in the relationship or made him feel like he wasn't a good person. Because he does have a lot of heart. But he's so damaged emotionally, and I wish I could help him.

But his reasoning for leaving was that he was unhappy and that "our personalities don't mesh." How? After 3 years we all of a sudden don't mesh? He was not able to give me a lot of reasoning until he drunk texted me to tell me that he had "baggage" and "anger" that he held onto. He said he needs to work on himself and I need to work on me and maybe we can appreciate each other in the future one day when we "fix" ourselves.

So now I'm wondering what's wrong with me that I did this to myself, when all I wanted to do was love him.

Blu96

I don't think I ever realized that I was really in a relationship with an alcoholic until I came to these forums. There are too many similarities in these situations for me to now deny it.

The reason he used for me was also that our personalities don't mesh. SMH

I am sorry you are going through this. It is helping me that I'm not alone and that I'm not completely crazy and broken to still want him back after all this!

Blu96

Yes, he was extremely handy around the house. He cooked dinner for me.. like really nice meals. He did laundry, ran errands, cleaned.

Those nice things made me think that he really loved me. I completely understand your rationalizations.. If he DID love me, how can he leave out of nowhere and cut ties the way he has. If he DIDN'T love me, how did he stay so long? What about our good times? Our talks, the love that we shared couldn't have been fake....

I think he was trying, in his own way, and he just couldn't. He's not ready to face his demons. Maybe his leaving WAS because he loved me and couldn't put me in those situations anymore...

honeypig

Oh, Blu96, trust me, it was NOT that. Truly, it was NOT that.

Alcohol is his first love. He left to protect his ability to drink. NOT to protect you.

I'm sorry if that is brutal, but it is the truth of the matter.

And to address your post below, he is an adult. Responsible for himself. Or should be. Really, do you want to be making sure a grownup man gets up on time and gets to work?

Take the focus off of him, turn 1/10th of that effort and love on yourself. The results will be amazing.

Blu96

Thank you. I will definitely look up your threads.

It was just so important to me for him to know that he is a good person and is worthy of love and happiness. I didn't want him to drown himself in his drinking. To self-medicate and not deal with what he needs to deal with. He's so young still... I am scared if I'm not there to help him, he might get worst...

I wouldn't know how to live with myself if something worse happened...

bluelily

Thanks for pointing that out, that really helps put things in perspective. I´m probably going through the same emotions and thought processes described by Blu, I even became extremely nostalgic this morning thinking this same thing - that his ignoring me was a romantic attitude, motivated by his wish to safe me from his alcoholism. How naive, right?

AnvilheadII

It was just so important to me for him to know that he is a good person and is worthy of love and happiness. I didn't want him to drown himself in his drinking. To self-medicate and not deal with what he needs to deal with. He's so young still... I am scared if I'm not there to help him, he might get worst...


if you didn't know who posted that, one could easily guess it was his MOTHER. as we grow in our codependency and caretaker role, we see them less as full grown adults capable of choosing how to live their own lives as THEY see fit, and instead see them as little boys (or little girls) who still someone to hold their hands and teach them table manners and enforce bedtime.

now it doesn't help that scenario one bit that the alcoholic/addict could often benefit from the services of a LIFE COACH, financial planner, nutritionist and taxi service. however, as partners, NONE of those services are OUR job. we aren't babysitters or hall monitors. but we gladly fall into those roles and feel like we ARE making a difference.

until the mothering becomes smothering. and they bolt.

firebolt

Not naive - how would you have ever known? You, someone not addicted to alcohol, wouldn't think like an alcoholic. But look at you you are here, learning!

It is time to take care of yourself.

What Honeypig said.

Exactly.

We get so wrapped up in trying to help then get better, when many of them don't WANT to get better. We do not realize that we choose sick people, and they choose us because we are sick too. Some questions people posed to me here that helped me see that I was as blind to my issues as the alcoholic in my life was to his were:

Why would I choose an alcoholic?
Why would I stay with an alcoholic once I realized their problems negatively affected my life?
Why would I alter myself and my standards for someone who could not reciprocate my work in a relationship?
Why would I alter myself and my standards to the detriment of MY life?

I wish you the best - you deserve MUCH more than he is capable of giving you right now.

Blu96

I am sorry that you are going through this Bluelily. When I think about it, it does sound ridiculous. But somehow, I rationalize my thoughts to make some sort of sense.

I always thought I was a strong person... I don't know how I allowed myself to get into this situation. And I feel like it happened gradually where I was super confident and then became less confident, more self-conscious, and I felt like I had to do all these things for him to make me worthy of his love... Like.. "I'm the one he chose to open up to and love even though he has this issue. I must show him that I'm there for him and do anything for him." To the point where I was sacrificing my needs and wants.

Even though I am reading everyone's feedback, which I completely appreciate. It is nice to know I am not crazy, I somehow have it in my head that he's going to change and come back to me.

I am trying to get those thoughts away from me and focus on taking steps for my healing.. spiritually, emotionally, and mentally.

LexieCat

Anything is POSSIBLE--people do, in fact, recover every day. HOWEVER, he is showing no signs of wanting to quit, and there's nothing you can do to make him want to. And until he wants to--desperately, with all his heart--he wouldn't succeed, even if he went to the best rehab in the world.

And he's right, your personalities don't "mesh"--he is in a relationship with alcohol, and you're not OK with that. No more than you would be OK with his having a relationship with another woman. And speaking of other women, don't be too shocked if you find out he's met--or soon meets--someone who will tolerate his drinking. This other person might be an alcoholic/addict herself and will drink right along with him, or she's someone who is attracted to the same qualities that attracted you but hasn't yet discovered what a mess he is.

You deserve much better than the crumbs this guy was feeding you. And you can be grateful you don't have children together, which complicates the picture immeasurably.