xoxAngelxox

So I'll try not to make this too long,
I met my partner nearly 2 years ago.
I worked in a pub and he popped in.

He seemed full of life and fun to be around so we went out a few times.
But everywhere we went there was drink involved, if he came to mine he would bring Stella's 4 and drink them life seemed to be one big party to him.
One night I said to him every date we've had every time I've seen you, you always seem to be drinking.
His replie was well if you asked me to choose between beer and a woman it would be beer. St the time I remember laughing it off but alarm bells did ring.
As our relationship went on Stella cans every night and we started to argue about it, every time we went out for dinner always a row because he wouldn't drive it was either me drive or a cab so he could have a drink.
I did say to him have you a drink problem and he said no I like to drink I have a stressful job that's my chill time and it helps me sleep.
The arguments got worse and he said I had the problem with drink not him and we broke up.
2 months he went out partying with the boys etc I just moved on.
We did get back together and he said he would only drink weekends yeah that lasted 1 week then he would but s bottle of red but would have to finish the whole bottle, sometimes he would have Stella as well and if I had wine he would have a few glasses of mine as he'd run out.
On 2 occasions his been out lost his phone on two occasions this was within a month the following day (the hangover) he would act lost like a little boy feeling depressed and down even said I need help I supported him but that thought lasted a week then he would say.
I haven't got a problem you make be think I have.
He sometimes says things to me and forgets his even told me !
He works every day, but when he finishes at 4 he has a few cans of he doesn't have a drink his quiet miserable.. I have said Jesus I prefer you when you have a drink your do miserable sometime's
If we go out for dinner he invites his mates I know that's an excuse to get hammered.
If his been out and got badly drunk he won't drink the next day which is Always a Sunday that seems to be his day off oh and Wednesday as he has his child for a few hours.
We've since split up and yet again I had an email saying those times I got off my face and lost my phone was because you made me feel bad about going out I've not done that since, yes we did argue about him going out because I know what states he gets into but I don't think he can blame me ??

He said I made him feel bad about himself if anything I've tried to help

His now said he wants time to do what he wants for a while and yes I get its so he can go out down pub and get smashed.
I've always been there for him and I have said to him wow the beer did win after all.

I do worry about him I know his drove while his had 4 pints before.
I know his not my problem anymore and I'm better off out of it but why do I still care

Thomas45

It's both of you, in a way.

He has a clear problem with his drinking but he doesn't want to change. If he doesn't see the need to change, he won't change no matter what you do.

Your contribution to the problem is that you are trying to change him. The hard truth is that relationships that involve one person trying to change the other one never work. Pushing change on someone only leads to resentments, arguing, frustration, and hurt feelings. If you want a relationship with someone who doesn't have a drinking problem, you have to start with someone who isn't a drinker... the only person you have control over to change is yourself.

Thomas45

And the other side of that coin is that if you are in a relationship with someone who engages in addictive behavior that you are not okay with, the best option is always to move on and find a relationship with someone who does not engage in that kind of behavior. Sacrificing your own boundaries or morals for the sake of staying together also doesn't make for a healthy relationship.

LexieCat

Agree with Thomas--he sees nothing wrong with his drinking and he doesn't appreciate your "help." Nothing you say or do will convince him otherwise.

As for why you still care, well, he was your boyfriend for two years. You don't want something bad to happen to him. The thing is, you can't stop bad things from happening to him and sometimes having those bad things happen is what eventually convinces people to get sober. For some people it never happens, and for others it goes on for years or decades before they decide to quit.

I'd suggest you stop wasting your own life trying to change someone who doesn't want to change, and find someone who can hold up the other end of a relationship.

Cyranoak

Please consider that you may have some issues around codependency. I'm not saying you do, I'm saying it's possible that you do. Often, when without any good reason, we care about people who are bad for us, hurting us, or seem to care less about us than we do about them, codependency on our part is the problem.

Consider counseling for yourself, Alanon meetings which are for people who love alcoholics, reading "Codependent No More," or all three to help find answers.

Regardless, if you stop communicating with this person in any way I'd bet you'll be a much happier person. Codependent people often have trouble ending relationships permanently.

--Cyranoak

P.s. It doesn't matter if it's you or him. Your issues are yours, his are his, and you clearly have an issues with how you are feeling.

Blu96

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My boyfriend of 3 years is an alcoholic and he left me and our life 3 weeks ago today. It's like he became a completely different person from the loving guy I knew to this cold emotionless robot. There are so many similarities of what you experienced and what I went through and I'm sorry you are going through that.

What people have told me from this site is that nothing you do could have ever changed him. They have to do it themselves. I tend to be very co-dependent. Before I met him, I was doing really well. And after, my confidence started to wane as I was brought into his world of drinking and depression. I drove everywhere. I started to sleep lightly so that I could make sure he wasn't pissing on our furniture or leaving doors unlocked or bumping things into the night. I lost my self-worth and became needy for his attention and love.

I know he loved me. But if he had to choose between buying me a ring or buying a bottle, the bottle would win. And it did win.

I'd suggest, as others did, to look into codependency and see if you fit any of the characteristics so that you don't put yourself in that situation again. And so that you realize your value and self worth. That's what I'm going to do (I just joined this site today).

Even though I saw a lot of bad signs, I still loved and love him now. I'm still sitting here wishing he'd come home. I don't wish what I'm feeling on anyone.

So stay strong, remember that your needs are important and valid, and know that you are worthy of the right kind of love from the right kind of man.

xoxAngelxox

Thank you for your advice, don't get me wrong I like to have a drink but I don't need one every night like he did so sitting with someone who is bouncing off the walls in happy mode while I was tired from s long shift became draining to s degree., I would always know he was drinking when I use to get texts over the top texts and I'd think I just want a quite night I didn't make an issue of this I let him carry on.
But he would get obnoxious and speak to me in a major that wasn't except able. Which then turned into a row.

I'd get frustrated the weekends I always knew as soon as 3 o'clock come that was it a weekend off drinking it would be.
Your right I can't help him he has to help himself, everything that's happened in his life is everybody else fault and not his .
The time he went out and lost his phone the first time he called me in morning screaming down the phone at me still drunk ! It was if it was my fault he lost his phone it was awful.
When we first met he never ever use to talk to me in a bad way but his respect for me was getting worse as the relationship went on.
We have spoken since the break up and his like I don't know what I want st the moment I'm doing what I want when I want going out with the boys etc And I need to decide what I want be that save for a bit or forever I just don't know.

So I have told him I am getting on with my life, his redone to that was I know there is a risk you might meet someone else and I will lose you.
See I'm the first longest relationship his had he had a family with us now he seems to have gone back to his old ways single up the pub with boys from 3pm until 3 in morning that's 12 hrs of drinking obviously I care but like you've all said his not going to change any time soon.

FeelingGreat

Angel you're right, he's just not going to give up doing his thing, which is drinking. Sure it's comforting for him to have you waiting there, but only if you don't get in his way.
I can understand that you do miss him, but I hope you can tough it out long enough to move on to someone suits your healthy outlook on life. Once you do find that person you'll wonder why you stayed so long.

Blu96

Sounds like my situation. All of a sudden, he says our personalities don't mesh and he thinks this is the best thing to break up. Out of no where. No warning. We weren't even arguing at the time. He texted me that he misses me and loves me but he's happier alone and he needs to figure out his sh*t.

I am still hoping he comes home, even after how horribly he left me.

Your situation is just so spot on as mine. You are not alone. Your feelings are valid but re-read what you wrote. The sacrifices you had to make. Sacrificing your needs and wants, altering your life because of his addiction.

I have been trying to remember all those things instead of hoping he will come back to me. It's difficult. They were part of our every day lives. It's ok to miss them and the life you had. You just have to, we just have to, realize that it was not a healthy relationship or life. And we deserve to be treated better and taken care of and supported.

xoxAngelxox

Yeah it is hard and looking back I gave in lot when we got back together last time I didn't moan about the drinking I let him get on with it.
But that just made matters worse because he drank more, I'm not missing the cans around the house that's for sure or the red empty bottles of wine.
He never could just have 1 or 2 drinks he always had to finish everything that had alcohol on it including mine.
I don't miss that.
It's nice to come home and chill out now and not have him winding the dog up after I've told him 30 plus times to leave him alone... I don't miss him trying to wind me up all the things I don't miss. But ... I miss the person that I met 2 years ago the Person I got back with the 2nd time had changed ignorant he acted like a pig sometimes and drank a lot more too because I stopped the moaning his way or no way that's what I use to always say to him selfish !

In time I'll heal and I'll move on and find someone who appreciates me and gives me what I deserve but I don't want to live in Stella land anymore I want to go out drinking and enjoy myself not have to babysit him.
I've not contacted him I've let him be its been over a week now I'll get there.

It's his loss he had a family and someone who loved him he'll realise this one day.

LexieCat

No, it didn't "make matters worse"--how much he drank IN FRONT OF YOU might be affected by whether you are complaining, but believe me, alcoholics drink as much as they need to drink, regardless of whether someone is noticing/complaining about it.

You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it.

xoxAngelxox

No I know I didn't cause it he did he could have just stopped he didn't because I didn't moan about it he did it more and more. I remember we went on holiday our first one with my parents and he got really drunk next night I said to him please slow down and like a kid he got up went to bar ordered shots and decided to go through the menu.
All the time looking at me saying u ok babe with a smug look on his face even my mum said his trying to wind you up don't bite.
I'll never forget that it was just the look on his face ! Smirking at me with each drink he got

AAPJ

"His replie was well if you asked me to choose between beer and a woman it would be beer."

I am over 50 now. I was that way in the 1990s but somehow I changed. Wife & children are more important than beer today. That said most of the friends I knew who had the same mindset of beer over girl/wife/family did not change and they are either divorced or still single. And most of them are still very heavy drinkers. My point is (and remember that I once was that A-Hole) the odds of him changing are pretty small. Good luck whatever path you choose.

xoxAngelxox

Thank you I know his not going to change he told me this is me I'm not changing.
His only 33 I think it's a shame as he could have such a good life he always use to tell me his dad took him to men's working club as a kid, so his watched his dad when he was growing up his older brother is nothing like him total opposites.
His mum and dad split up he was the naughty boy if the family you see him with his brother and sisters you wouldn't think they were the same family.
His ex stopped him from seeing his son for over a year until he could afford to fight her in court that ripped his heart out so to cope he drank and hadn't stopped.
Now his son watches him drink he takes him to a play centre that's in a pub I know he only has a couple well when I've been with him he does, not sure when he goes there in his own.
He takes him to pub to watch football so his now doing to his son what his dad did to him.
Such a shame he should do more with him his only 6 !
I spoke to him last week on a Tuesday night geuss what yep he was drunk at home I can always tell as he starts ranting about things this is me I cannot be changed, u women are all the same and he always starts on about his mum which I don't like, I think his underlying issues run from his childhood and he blames his poor mum for a lot, yet she does a lot for her children lovely woman my path has already been chosen I just want to be happy and happy I will be on my own.
He will jump from relationship to relationship and who knows 1 day will sit there and think wow I lost a good woman but by then I would've moved on

LexieCat

Don't count on his ever seeing the light--the good woman he lost.

The guy is a mess, but he isn't your mess anymore. As you pointed out, he has siblings who are completely different. That's not to say there wasn't abuse and bad parenting in the home, but don't try to figure out where all his "wounds" come from. Most sober alcoholics I know say that all they can say about "why they drank" was that alcohol did something AMAZING for them. Normal drinkers don't have that reaction to it. The alcohol then distorts their thinking, stunts their emotional growth/maturity, and what you have is a mess who blames everyone/anything on their messed-up lives other than alcohol, which is their SOLUTION to their problems.

It makes no sense unless you're an alcoholic. And even then it doesn't make sense as much as it rings a bell. I always see heads nodding when someone talks about how they felt about drinking.