The Language of Letting Go, December 6
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The Language of Letting Go, December 6
DECEMBER 6
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Letting Go of Shame
Many of us were victimized, sometimes more than once. We may have been physically abused, sexually abused, or exploited by the addictions of another.
Understand that if another person has abused us, it is not cause for us to feel shame. The guilt for the act of abuse belongs to the perpetrator, not the victim.
Even if in recovery we fall prey to being victimized, that is not cause for shame.
The goal of recovery is learning self-care, learning to free ourselves from victimization, and not to blame ourselves for past experiences. The goal is to arm ourselves so we do not continue to be victimized due to the shame and unresolved feelings from the original victimization.
We each have our own work, our issues, and our recovery tasks. One of those tasks is to stop pointing our finger at the perpetrator, because it distracts us. Although we hold each person responsible and accountable for his or her behavior, we learn compassion for the perpetrator. We understand that many forces have come into play in that person's life. At the same time, we do not hold on to shame.
We learn to understand the role we played in our victimization, how we fell into that role and did not rescue ourselves. But that is information to arm us so that it need not happen again.
Let go of victim shame. We have issues and tasks, but our issue is not to feel guilty and wrong because we have been victimized.
Today I will set myself free from any victim shame I may be harboring or hanging on to.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Letting Go of Shame
Many of us were victimized, sometimes more than once. We may have been physically abused, sexually abused, or exploited by the addictions of another.
Understand that if another person has abused us, it is not cause for us to feel shame. The guilt for the act of abuse belongs to the perpetrator, not the victim.
Even if in recovery we fall prey to being victimized, that is not cause for shame.
The goal of recovery is learning self-care, learning to free ourselves from victimization, and not to blame ourselves for past experiences. The goal is to arm ourselves so we do not continue to be victimized due to the shame and unresolved feelings from the original victimization.
We each have our own work, our issues, and our recovery tasks. One of those tasks is to stop pointing our finger at the perpetrator, because it distracts us. Although we hold each person responsible and accountable for his or her behavior, we learn compassion for the perpetrator. We understand that many forces have come into play in that person's life. At the same time, we do not hold on to shame.
We learn to understand the role we played in our victimization, how we fell into that role and did not rescue ourselves. But that is information to arm us so that it need not happen again.
Let go of victim shame. We have issues and tasks, but our issue is not to feel guilty and wrong because we have been victimized.
Today I will set myself free from any victim shame I may be harboring or hanging on to.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
For any issues regarding shame, I just want to say this: Brene Brown. Even when shame doesn't appear in a form we recognize as shame, it's often the root of other problems. Brene Brown has some phenomenal books on this and I can't recommend them highly enough. Another member here turned me on to her work, and I've been gradually listening, a disc a day or so, while driving at my job. There is a lot to absorb, and I know I'll be listening more than once to take it all in.
I think she is on the Ted Talks, too, if you'd like a taste to see what she's about.
I think she is on the Ted Talks, too, if you'd like a taste to see what she's about.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
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I think I need to get this book! I also have a Brene Brown book waiting on my Kindle.
In this new year, I want to really focus on my own recovery and healing. I'm a single mom of 3, my youngest is just 2 years old (AH started having his affair before this child was even a year old, how screwed up is THAT?), and I'm in school - I'm busy, and while I do see my therapist weekly, I have a tendency to put my own recovery on the back burner and not read, reflect, or write as much as I need to.
Shame is something I definitely deal with, along with perfectionism. My tendency is to feel shame that I don't live up to some expectation and then beat myself up about it.
Having judgmental a$$holes in my life hasn't helped. As an example, my MIL will barely ever even come into my house because she disapproves of my housekeeping - yes, it's been pretty darn messy sometimes, and my AH used that as evidence that I'm lazy, even though he did absolutely nothing to help - having him around was like having another child.
In this new year, I want to really focus on my own recovery and healing. I'm a single mom of 3, my youngest is just 2 years old (AH started having his affair before this child was even a year old, how screwed up is THAT?), and I'm in school - I'm busy, and while I do see my therapist weekly, I have a tendency to put my own recovery on the back burner and not read, reflect, or write as much as I need to.
Shame is something I definitely deal with, along with perfectionism. My tendency is to feel shame that I don't live up to some expectation and then beat myself up about it.
Having judgmental a$$holes in my life hasn't helped. As an example, my MIL will barely ever even come into my house because she disapproves of my housekeeping - yes, it's been pretty darn messy sometimes, and my AH used that as evidence that I'm lazy, even though he did absolutely nothing to help - having him around was like having another child.
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