Being Shoved Away
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: NY, NY
Posts: 26
Being Shoved Away
So I've been thinking a lot about being shoved away by an addict. And I've been wondering why it is that they do this.
Particularly when they say they're working recovery program (SMART recovery), and particularly when you're a positive influence/example.
I was shoved away in every conceivable way....I was left ("Yes I still love you and no one can hold a candle to you. But I'm saving you from myself." Friends, I'm pretty sure there's already a new woman) , defriended on social media ("I don't want the opportunity to be overly curious about your life where I shouldn't be." NVM that...I had it set so he couldn't see for weeks), There was gaslighting ("There were other factors in our breakup. It doesn't always have to be about drugs. I felt claustrophobic." --wait, what? You moved in on ME!)
He has also stopped speaking with another mutual friend of ours who's successfully in recovery--works a program regularly, has a wife and child, and has been very supportive of me. This mutual friend used to basically serve as his mentor when times got tough. My AXBF has an entirely new group of friends ("Some I met in SMART and some are positive influences I reconnected with.") as well. (Interesting. You said you didn't have friends when we were together)
Any thoughts on why addicts shove people away?
(Side note: I am unclear as to whether or not he's still active in his addiction. Admittedly, he does look better--just cut his hair, seems to have healthier habits--though he does still try to engage me and 3 weeks ago projected some suicidal ideation at me at 1AM. Yes, I did block his #)
Particularly when they say they're working recovery program (SMART recovery), and particularly when you're a positive influence/example.
I was shoved away in every conceivable way....I was left ("Yes I still love you and no one can hold a candle to you. But I'm saving you from myself." Friends, I'm pretty sure there's already a new woman) , defriended on social media ("I don't want the opportunity to be overly curious about your life where I shouldn't be." NVM that...I had it set so he couldn't see for weeks), There was gaslighting ("There were other factors in our breakup. It doesn't always have to be about drugs. I felt claustrophobic." --wait, what? You moved in on ME!)
He has also stopped speaking with another mutual friend of ours who's successfully in recovery--works a program regularly, has a wife and child, and has been very supportive of me. This mutual friend used to basically serve as his mentor when times got tough. My AXBF has an entirely new group of friends ("Some I met in SMART and some are positive influences I reconnected with.") as well. (Interesting. You said you didn't have friends when we were together)
Any thoughts on why addicts shove people away?
(Side note: I am unclear as to whether or not he's still active in his addiction. Admittedly, he does look better--just cut his hair, seems to have healthier habits--though he does still try to engage me and 3 weeks ago projected some suicidal ideation at me at 1AM. Yes, I did block his #)
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Because compared to their drug of choice you don't matter all that much. You matter when they are sober but not when they are drunk or high. It's nothing personal, nothing to do with you. It's the nature of addiction. As you read around the site you will see you story repeated hundreds of times.
Addicts ride emotional rollercoasters and you will tie yourself in knots trying to untangle all the pieces when in reality it doesn't matter all that much. It's what addicts do. Addiction is not logical. It's nasty, deceitful, destructive and unfair to those around the addict.
Addicts ride emotional rollercoasters and you will tie yourself in knots trying to untangle all the pieces when in reality it doesn't matter all that much. It's what addicts do. Addiction is not logical. It's nasty, deceitful, destructive and unfair to those around the addict.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 124
It hurts so bad. You just want to love them and accept them and they act like the idea of that from you is so vile. He is still going to work. Still spending time with his kid. Still going to family events. Seeing friends. But all of a sudden he couldn't be around me. "I love you and I always will and I care about you but it's gonna be from a distance." Why?! Why??!! You wanted to marry me one day and shut the door and walked away the next.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 124
I would do things differently so it wouldn't happen. I would be more loving. I wouldn't let him be scared of rejection.
I'm moving to a new apartment this weekend. I have to because I took a lower paying job this year and couldn't afford the one I was in. We had celebrated one year together in September and he wanted to find a place together. I wanted to move a bit slower and not just rush into living together because our leases were up. I had a husband take off an me completely unexpectedly. I wanted to be sure this guy really knew he wanted to be with me. I didn't want him to disappear too. It wasn't even about me not wanting to live with him, it was about me feeling secure that he really loved me and wanted to live with me. So I wasn't ready yet, and he couldn't handle that I was moving to a new apartment without him. I told him the lease is for less than a year and we can definitely make plans to move in together after that, but I need to wait a little longer to feel secure.
He was too freaked out that I was moving without him. He was certain I was going to break up with him. See? It's all my fault. He left me and went to drugs because he wanted to destroy it all before I could. Hurt himself before I hurt him. He went back to what is comfortable because loving me was scary.
It's all my fault. If I hadn't taken this apartment....
I caused this and I hate myself
Fior .. I am sorry I don't have an answer for you. I'm struggling with the same thing you are. I feel for you and I hope you find some peace
I'm moving to a new apartment this weekend. I have to because I took a lower paying job this year and couldn't afford the one I was in. We had celebrated one year together in September and he wanted to find a place together. I wanted to move a bit slower and not just rush into living together because our leases were up. I had a husband take off an me completely unexpectedly. I wanted to be sure this guy really knew he wanted to be with me. I didn't want him to disappear too. It wasn't even about me not wanting to live with him, it was about me feeling secure that he really loved me and wanted to live with me. So I wasn't ready yet, and he couldn't handle that I was moving to a new apartment without him. I told him the lease is for less than a year and we can definitely make plans to move in together after that, but I need to wait a little longer to feel secure.
He was too freaked out that I was moving without him. He was certain I was going to break up with him. See? It's all my fault. He left me and went to drugs because he wanted to destroy it all before I could. Hurt himself before I hurt him. He went back to what is comfortable because loving me was scary.
It's all my fault. If I hadn't taken this apartment....
I caused this and I hate myself
Fior .. I am sorry I don't have an answer for you. I'm struggling with the same thing you are. I feel for you and I hope you find some peace
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Location: Chicago
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the problem is not that you didn't love him enough, the problem is that he does not love himself enough. No other person can account for that lack.
When I find myself taking total responsibility for a situation involving more people than me, it usually because I am trying to control the outcome. It is easier to believe that something is my fault because if that is true, then it means I can do something differently next time so things turn out the way I want them to.
Accepting that other people have the right to their own choices is extremely difficult, especially when our hearts are involved. Try to at least remember that you have the right to your own choices, too, and though it feels like you don't have any good ones right now, you will feel differently in the future.
When I find myself taking total responsibility for a situation involving more people than me, it usually because I am trying to control the outcome. It is easier to believe that something is my fault because if that is true, then it means I can do something differently next time so things turn out the way I want them to.
Accepting that other people have the right to their own choices is extremely difficult, especially when our hearts are involved. Try to at least remember that you have the right to your own choices, too, and though it feels like you don't have any good ones right now, you will feel differently in the future.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
He left me and went to drugs because he wanted to destroy it all before I could. Hurt himself before I hurt him. He went back to what is comfortable because loving me was scary.
It's all my fault. If I hadn't taken this apartment....
I caused this and I hate myself
you could not be MORE wrong in your assessment. you hold on to the belief that YOU could somehow CHANGE what he did. if you made it wrong, then you can make it right. it doesn't work that way......you did not CAUSE this. deciding that you weren't ready to move in together was a very wise move because you'd be living with an addict in active addiction right now. if his sobriety was SO shaky that his g/f moving to another apartment was enough to "make" him use, then it was bound to happen one way or another.
YOU AREN'T THAT POWERFUL TO MAKE SOMEONE USE DRUGS. and you aren't that powerful to make someone stop.
It's all my fault. If I hadn't taken this apartment....
I caused this and I hate myself
you could not be MORE wrong in your assessment. you hold on to the belief that YOU could somehow CHANGE what he did. if you made it wrong, then you can make it right. it doesn't work that way......you did not CAUSE this. deciding that you weren't ready to move in together was a very wise move because you'd be living with an addict in active addiction right now. if his sobriety was SO shaky that his g/f moving to another apartment was enough to "make" him use, then it was bound to happen one way or another.
YOU AREN'T THAT POWERFUL TO MAKE SOMEONE USE DRUGS. and you aren't that powerful to make someone stop.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
perhaps your self protection saved you from digging in deeper ?
Drug addicts will come up with any excuse. They work really hard to show their dependent other - just how much they should be responsible for vs. the addict being responsible. They are supposed to bring good things to the table not self doubt.
A good partner DOES NOT abuse alcohol nor use drugs.
Simple.
They are abusers. Emotionally, Mentally, Financially. They lie and manipulate. They take versus giving. They are a shell of the person that they were before the addiction. They have one love ... getting their drug of choice. One more high. One more pill, bag ... that's all they are capable of caring about. And they will twist everything to keep you on the line.
Please read about codependency. Hugs to you, Joie
Drug addicts will come up with any excuse. They work really hard to show their dependent other - just how much they should be responsible for vs. the addict being responsible. They are supposed to bring good things to the table not self doubt.
A good partner DOES NOT abuse alcohol nor use drugs.
Simple.
They are abusers. Emotionally, Mentally, Financially. They lie and manipulate. They take versus giving. They are a shell of the person that they were before the addiction. They have one love ... getting their drug of choice. One more high. One more pill, bag ... that's all they are capable of caring about. And they will twist everything to keep you on the line.
Please read about codependency. Hugs to you, Joie
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,427
Originally Posted by Priscilla84 
I've read about codependency and was hoping I would see myself in that, as it would at least give me something I can work on. But I just don't.
in your posts.
For example, you are adamant about taking "credit" for his relapse
when he is a fully grown competent adult who simply chose to use.
Relapse, the choice to use, isn't controlled or dictated by you or any of us.
As several people have posted in your other thread,
you didn't create, cause, nor can you control what another person does.
It hurts, but if you really dig, you will realize you can only take care of you--he has freedom just as you do.
Trying to "manage" his situation (another codependent sign) has not worked and just hurt you.
I know this from both the family member view, and the view of the addict, so I am speaking from experience.
He has the right to live his life any way he chooses, and perhaps you
should respect his boundary about this.
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And I've been wondering why it is that they do this.
Sound overly simple? Perhaps. But sometimes simplicity is required for us to navigate through difficult times. At the end of the day, the "why" with respect to how your addict is behaving the way he is doesn't matter all that much. And that's because even if you understood the "why", it doesn't change the fact he's behaving that way.
All we have control over in this life is our choices and how we behave. Going down the rabbit hole of trying to figure someone else out is a path to more distress.
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Location: Chicago
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Originally Posted by Priscilla84
Well I have respected it. I leave him alone. I only respond briefly when he reaches out to me, if I respond at all. I'm just really struggling with managing my own pain.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: NY, NY
Posts: 26
Zoso, you're always pretty spot on....
Yes, this is what addicts do...it is hard when the heart gets in the way. He's cleaned himself up and looks an awful lot like the guy I dated (incidentally, he also looks like the guy who passed out on my couch after 3 weeks of using, and while he was passed out, I had to go through his phone. Must remember that.
I cannot control his choices (but I so wish he were making better ones). Found out last night that he is using weed with the idea of "marijuana helps control opioid cravings." And he's doing it regularly enough that he's carrying around a pipe in his bag.
And so. The person I loved and knew is gone. Forever. Totally confirmed.
Would I do this all again, knowing what I know now? Well, to quote Sondheim,
"And I know things now, many valuable things, that I hadn't known before.
...And I followed him down, down a dark slimy path where lie secrets that I never want to know...
Isn't it nice to know a lot? And a little bit not."
Nah. I wouldn't do it all again. I'd pass here. To not know this kind of pain. I'd totally pass.
Yes, this is what addicts do...it is hard when the heart gets in the way. He's cleaned himself up and looks an awful lot like the guy I dated (incidentally, he also looks like the guy who passed out on my couch after 3 weeks of using, and while he was passed out, I had to go through his phone. Must remember that.
I cannot control his choices (but I so wish he were making better ones). Found out last night that he is using weed with the idea of "marijuana helps control opioid cravings." And he's doing it regularly enough that he's carrying around a pipe in his bag.
And so. The person I loved and knew is gone. Forever. Totally confirmed.
Would I do this all again, knowing what I know now? Well, to quote Sondheim,
"And I know things now, many valuable things, that I hadn't known before.
...And I followed him down, down a dark slimy path where lie secrets that I never want to know...
Isn't it nice to know a lot? And a little bit not."
Nah. I wouldn't do it all again. I'd pass here. To not know this kind of pain. I'd totally pass.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 213
Because compared to their drug of choice you don't matter all that much. You matter when they are sober but not when they are drunk or high. It's nothing personal, nothing to do with you. It's the nature of addiction. As you read around the site you will see you story repeated hundreds of times.
It may not be personal, but it hurts every person involved.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 146
Originally Posted by Firesong
With my addict-friend it seemed I mattered to him when he was using but once he quit using it was like he didn't need me anymore. I don't know why he would need me when using but not when sober, but whatever.
It may not be personal, but it hurts every person involved.
It may not be personal, but it hurts every person involved.
He has also gone back to his ex-fiancee who is an alcoholic. They had split several years ago because of his addiction. I saw them together recently & he was drinking. His ex-fiancée is a family friend so it's likely I will run into him as long as they're together
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