New to site, introduction and feedback
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 1
New to site, introduction and feedback
Hi all,
Sad to say it's not a great thing to find myself singing up on a site such as this but I need to let it all out.
I found out my Niece, 22, is addicted to heroin, and has been for well over a year, maybe two or three, but these truths sometimes remain hidden from us.
Sadly, her mother passed nearly two years ago, drank herself to death, amid depression and alcoholism. We've lost others in the family to suicide and OD's. I realized her addiction only while at a funeral for her cousin, my nephew, who also appears to have died from a heroin overdose (very recently). I didn't hesitate to confront her about it.
I let her know that she means the world to me and that I cannot bear to watch any more family do this to themselves. Offered to help in every way possible. She cried, apologized, etc. But she also gave me excuses why she can't stop now. Now. That word is key.
I've seen what heroin does, and sadly most of the people I ever knew to get hooked didn't make it. In fact only one person I know survived the addiction and cleaned up, and didn't relapse. And that only happened by the way of a very tragic auto accident that ended in a horrific dismemberment of his GF at the time, they were both on it while driving.
Not even the funeral was enough of a wake-up call for her. I know the biggest part of the problem is that her BF is also addicted. He's worthless, jobless, and she supports both their habits. She spends all her money on it, and has let everything else in her life lapse, including car insurance. She totalled her car recently too.
But she's in love. She won't drop him. She won't sober up so long as he's around. He has no interest in stopping it. She says she wants to stop but can't.
Her dad cries, but tries to be supportive and give her opportunities to get out, without pushing her away. He keeps telling me she's doing well and making progress. I always ask back- "but she's still using?". Always a slow 'yes'. I think he's in denial at this point about her desire to quit. I've offered to pay for her to go to rehab, but not her BF. I can't afford even her, but I will go broke once to try to save her, but she just gave more excuses to not do it. I do wish the BF would just disappear ... mean thoughts I know, but I can't measure her desire to quit while he's influencing her.
All I can think to do at this point is to emotionally disconnect and mentally start to condition myself for another funeral. I feel bad about thinking this way, but like I said, I'm tired of emotionally suffering every time my family endures another senseless loss.
Advice is welcome.
Sad to say it's not a great thing to find myself singing up on a site such as this but I need to let it all out.
I found out my Niece, 22, is addicted to heroin, and has been for well over a year, maybe two or three, but these truths sometimes remain hidden from us.
Sadly, her mother passed nearly two years ago, drank herself to death, amid depression and alcoholism. We've lost others in the family to suicide and OD's. I realized her addiction only while at a funeral for her cousin, my nephew, who also appears to have died from a heroin overdose (very recently). I didn't hesitate to confront her about it.
I let her know that she means the world to me and that I cannot bear to watch any more family do this to themselves. Offered to help in every way possible. She cried, apologized, etc. But she also gave me excuses why she can't stop now. Now. That word is key.
I've seen what heroin does, and sadly most of the people I ever knew to get hooked didn't make it. In fact only one person I know survived the addiction and cleaned up, and didn't relapse. And that only happened by the way of a very tragic auto accident that ended in a horrific dismemberment of his GF at the time, they were both on it while driving.
Not even the funeral was enough of a wake-up call for her. I know the biggest part of the problem is that her BF is also addicted. He's worthless, jobless, and she supports both their habits. She spends all her money on it, and has let everything else in her life lapse, including car insurance. She totalled her car recently too.
But she's in love. She won't drop him. She won't sober up so long as he's around. He has no interest in stopping it. She says she wants to stop but can't.
Her dad cries, but tries to be supportive and give her opportunities to get out, without pushing her away. He keeps telling me she's doing well and making progress. I always ask back- "but she's still using?". Always a slow 'yes'. I think he's in denial at this point about her desire to quit. I've offered to pay for her to go to rehab, but not her BF. I can't afford even her, but I will go broke once to try to save her, but she just gave more excuses to not do it. I do wish the BF would just disappear ... mean thoughts I know, but I can't measure her desire to quit while he's influencing her.
All I can think to do at this point is to emotionally disconnect and mentally start to condition myself for another funeral. I feel bad about thinking this way, but like I said, I'm tired of emotionally suffering every time my family endures another senseless loss.
Advice is welcome.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
HerUncle...
Welcome to the Board. You've come to a really good spot, and I hope your time with us provides you the support and the insight that you'll need going forward. Other members will be by to greet you, but as is my wont with new members, I'd like to share my own thoughts with you.
Your family has sadly seen its share of loss the past couple of years, and for that, I'm incredibly sorry. It's a hard thing to watch those we love go into a death spiral. Unfortunately, that's exactly what heroin addiction is: a death spiral. You can wish the best for someone. You can pray for someone. You can try to talk sensibly to someone. But when that someone is using heroin, they're not capable of absorbing love, support, or well intended criticism. All that matters to your niece at this moment is maintaining the numb bliss of being under the influence. She is unreachable. The only way she'll bust out of this feedback loop is if she decides to bust out of it, follow that decision up with treatment, and then begin the long, hard road to recovery. The ball's in her court.
One of the hardest things for us guys to ever admit is being powerless and having no control over a situation. Sometimes we think if we reason with someone, they'll come to see things are way. Unfortunately, that's not how it works. We cannot reason with the unreasonable. The only thing we can do is monitor ourselves, our choices, and how we respond when confronted with something as destructive as heroin addiction.
It may be of benefit to you to read some posts from our resident moms who've run the gauntlet with their addicted children. Most of their stories do not have a happy ending, but it's also true our resident moms have reclaimed their lives. And sometimes, that's all we can do.
Anyways, Welcome to the Board.
Welcome to the Board. You've come to a really good spot, and I hope your time with us provides you the support and the insight that you'll need going forward. Other members will be by to greet you, but as is my wont with new members, I'd like to share my own thoughts with you.
Your family has sadly seen its share of loss the past couple of years, and for that, I'm incredibly sorry. It's a hard thing to watch those we love go into a death spiral. Unfortunately, that's exactly what heroin addiction is: a death spiral. You can wish the best for someone. You can pray for someone. You can try to talk sensibly to someone. But when that someone is using heroin, they're not capable of absorbing love, support, or well intended criticism. All that matters to your niece at this moment is maintaining the numb bliss of being under the influence. She is unreachable. The only way she'll bust out of this feedback loop is if she decides to bust out of it, follow that decision up with treatment, and then begin the long, hard road to recovery. The ball's in her court.
One of the hardest things for us guys to ever admit is being powerless and having no control over a situation. Sometimes we think if we reason with someone, they'll come to see things are way. Unfortunately, that's not how it works. We cannot reason with the unreasonable. The only thing we can do is monitor ourselves, our choices, and how we respond when confronted with something as destructive as heroin addiction.
It may be of benefit to you to read some posts from our resident moms who've run the gauntlet with their addicted children. Most of their stories do not have a happy ending, but it's also true our resident moms have reclaimed their lives. And sometimes, that's all we can do.
Anyways, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
I can't provide any advice whatsoever - I'm watching my own sister deny her own struggle with marijuana. My friends had warned me for years, and I knew she was using, but it didn't really register how bad it was until my mother got sick. She's also with a boyfriend who is an active user. I used to be so angry at him, but at the end of the day I realize that she CHOSE to be with him. And her choice to be with him reflects her own desperate need for validation no matter how empty that validation is. And my anger towards him only deflects me from addressing the issues I have with my sister. I've got enough fish to fry.
All I can say that this is a great group. Even though I just joined very recently, I can't tell you what a relief it is to talk/listen to people who just plain get it. I no longer clench my teeth to the point of headache on a daily basis (OK, maybe 1x 2x a week but I'll live with that.) They are very much aware of the emotional manipulation and dishonesty that family/friends of addicts endure. There's already one instance when they warned me to keep my guard up, and I'm seeing already seeing evidence that my/their wariness was justified. And so the smarty pants part of me is saying "You see, I was right!" and the compassionate part of me wants to kick smarty pants to the curb for being so smug.
I can completely understand the desire to disconnect. A member of this forum compared that desire with saturation. You can only absorb so much until you can't help but let things go. Frankly I'm at that place with my sister, and my focus is now on her children. If she wants to make herself better, I'll be there. But as long as she wears that barbed wire suit called addiction, I can't support her. It's up to her to shed that suit.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Just so, so, sorry.
All I can say that this is a great group. Even though I just joined very recently, I can't tell you what a relief it is to talk/listen to people who just plain get it. I no longer clench my teeth to the point of headache on a daily basis (OK, maybe 1x 2x a week but I'll live with that.) They are very much aware of the emotional manipulation and dishonesty that family/friends of addicts endure. There's already one instance when they warned me to keep my guard up, and I'm seeing already seeing evidence that my/their wariness was justified. And so the smarty pants part of me is saying "You see, I was right!" and the compassionate part of me wants to kick smarty pants to the curb for being so smug.
I can completely understand the desire to disconnect. A member of this forum compared that desire with saturation. You can only absorb so much until you can't help but let things go. Frankly I'm at that place with my sister, and my focus is now on her children. If she wants to make herself better, I'll be there. But as long as she wears that barbed wire suit called addiction, I can't support her. It's up to her to shed that suit.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Just so, so, sorry.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Heruncle,
First, welcome to the forum -- you will find many here that have walked or are walking in your shoes.
Zoso has, as usual, beat us all to the punch and spoken with great insight and wisdom, so pay attention to his post.
I understand your pain and your willingness to go broke to try and help your niece. But be aware that the ONLY way your niece will ever get and stay clean is by her wanting it for herself more than she wants the drugs. I am not aware of forced or coerced rehab stays ever working for anyone -- that desire has to come from within the addict, then and only, then will rehab actually work.
....22 year old heroin addict......just like my daughter when she went to her first rehab, I feel your pain and I know your fear, many others here do also.
Ann, another sage here and who will undoubtedly be along soon, once posted what I call a "truism"....."Love cannot save our addicted loved ones, if it could, not one of us would be here."
Since you cannot magically fix your niece, the question becomes, how can I fix myself? You cannot do anything to cure her until she is ready, but you can find your own peace and sanity. And unfortunately, "mentally start to condition yourself for another funeral" and pray that it never comes
For me, the answers slowly revealed themselves in Nar-Anon meetings. I find peace and serenity in the rooms and have from the very first meeting I attended. Early on, that peace might only last until I got to the door of the room, then slowly it started to last to the parking lot, then to home, then overnight, then a few days, then a week ------and I was back in the room with my homegroup.
Try a meeting or two and see if it works for you.
Keep coming back,
Jim
First, welcome to the forum -- you will find many here that have walked or are walking in your shoes.
Zoso has, as usual, beat us all to the punch and spoken with great insight and wisdom, so pay attention to his post.
I understand your pain and your willingness to go broke to try and help your niece. But be aware that the ONLY way your niece will ever get and stay clean is by her wanting it for herself more than she wants the drugs. I am not aware of forced or coerced rehab stays ever working for anyone -- that desire has to come from within the addict, then and only, then will rehab actually work.
....22 year old heroin addict......just like my daughter when she went to her first rehab, I feel your pain and I know your fear, many others here do also.
Ann, another sage here and who will undoubtedly be along soon, once posted what I call a "truism"....."Love cannot save our addicted loved ones, if it could, not one of us would be here."
Since you cannot magically fix your niece, the question becomes, how can I fix myself? You cannot do anything to cure her until she is ready, but you can find your own peace and sanity. And unfortunately, "mentally start to condition yourself for another funeral" and pray that it never comes
For me, the answers slowly revealed themselves in Nar-Anon meetings. I find peace and serenity in the rooms and have from the very first meeting I attended. Early on, that peace might only last until I got to the door of the room, then slowly it started to last to the parking lot, then to home, then overnight, then a few days, then a week ------and I was back in the room with my homegroup.
Try a meeting or two and see if it works for you.
Keep coming back,
Jim
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 68
HerUncle,
I am also a newbie here but, I have found so much help and insight on this website!
Our family is living through a nightmare with my 42 y.o son who has slowly been spiraling out of control from his addiction of pain pills and bath salts. He has lost everything! And he's walked away from his family because we finally stopped the enabling.
We haven't heard from him since before Thanksgiving. This was the first Holiday in 42 years that he has not been with us.
But, we had to "let go"! He was tearing us apart with his lies and manipulation. It's been the hardest thing that I have ever done but, for my sanity I had to!! I hate not knowing where he is at! Not knowing if he is OK! Is he eating? where is he sleeping?
But, through reading so much on this site I finally realized this was something I had to do. It's up to him now. He knows his family will be here for him once again when he is ready for help.
The guilt we feel sometimes is unbearable! So many times I think if I had done this or that differently things would be different.
He did a short stay at a Rehab and they gave us a letter from "the addict" I keep it on my fridge and I read it everyday. Sometimes it helps and sometimes not so much.
We just have to keep remembering that the addict is the only one that can change their lives and the choices they make.
We didn't Cause it, We can't CONTROL it and We can't CURE.
Good luck to you and your family.
Also, please read all the "sticky's" at the top of this page. They have been so helpful to me.
I am also a newbie here but, I have found so much help and insight on this website!
Our family is living through a nightmare with my 42 y.o son who has slowly been spiraling out of control from his addiction of pain pills and bath salts. He has lost everything! And he's walked away from his family because we finally stopped the enabling.
We haven't heard from him since before Thanksgiving. This was the first Holiday in 42 years that he has not been with us.
But, we had to "let go"! He was tearing us apart with his lies and manipulation. It's been the hardest thing that I have ever done but, for my sanity I had to!! I hate not knowing where he is at! Not knowing if he is OK! Is he eating? where is he sleeping?
But, through reading so much on this site I finally realized this was something I had to do. It's up to him now. He knows his family will be here for him once again when he is ready for help.
The guilt we feel sometimes is unbearable! So many times I think if I had done this or that differently things would be different.
He did a short stay at a Rehab and they gave us a letter from "the addict" I keep it on my fridge and I read it everyday. Sometimes it helps and sometimes not so much.
We just have to keep remembering that the addict is the only one that can change their lives and the choices they make.
We didn't Cause it, We can't CONTROL it and We can't CURE.
Good luck to you and your family.
Also, please read all the "sticky's" at the top of this page. They have been so helpful to me.
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