The pain isn't easing. Please help.

Old 12-03-2015, 11:30 AM
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The pain isn't easing. Please help.

Hi. I've been reading the posts here for a few weeks and decided to join in hopes I can find some peace in my situation. It's not getting any easier.

I was in a relationship for 14 months with a man I knew had a rough past. He has an alcoholic father and his mother used to do drugs. They split up when he was 12 and he was neglected and ended up living in hotels and selling and doing drugs. He also has depression and anxiety issues. At the time we stared dating he had been clean for 8 years. He would not even smoke pot or take Advil as he felt it would take him down the wrong path. He had worked hard to overcome a criminal past and get himself a decent position at work, and he just seemed so disgusted by his past and the people in it. Having been clean for 8 years I didn't think there would be any problem.

He never had any relapse issues in that 14 months. Never lied to me or stole from me or even said a cruel word to me. I really came to trust him and his love. As we celebrated our one year anniversary he was looking at rings. We were planning to move in together. He very consistently made it clear he saw me as his future.

I am divorced so I am a little more gun shy. I wanted to not rush anything just because we hit one year together. I was hesitant and he took it as me not loving him like he loved me. He became increasingly panicked I was going to leave him. Then a month ago we got in a bit of an argument and he took it to mean we were over. When I tried to talk to him the next day he was distant. Something has changed. He broke up with me. For a couple weeks he was telling me he loved me and he was just so lost. The relationship was so serious and he needed to know he can be happy without me because he had put all his happiness on me. Long story shorter, eventually, two weeks after he left me he told me that he went out with his old friends that night and did things he didn't think he would ever do again. He didn't mention every drug, but I know he is smoking pot, drinking, smoking cigarettes, taking adderall and Xanax. He said he wants to sell Coke again. Maybe he is doing Coke again. I'm not sure. It's been a month since the break up and he maintains that he loves me but doesn't want to. He says love is uncomfortable and it scared him and he drugs and his criminal friends are comfortable. He says he hates that it's comfortable but it is. He never thought he would want to be the person he used to be, but maybe now he does. He doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't know what makes him happy.

He was saying he thinks we aren't compatible, which came as a surprise to me. And he begged me to leave him alone. He said it was hard to say that but it's the right thing to do. I have begged him to let me be with him. To help him. Begged him to stay with me. He says he cannot and will not and doesn't know if he will ever be able to. Yet he says he doesn't want me to go. Then he begs me to leave. Then I say I will leave and he says "gee thanks."

A few days after that he posts on Facebook that he is making all these decisions that he doesn't understand. He tells me "I'm sorry I ruined everything for reasons I don't understand at all." I told him I'm sorry he is going through a tough time and he said "I'm used to it. I always hurt myself before someone else can." At that point I invited him over to talk if he wanted and he said no, that's not fair to me, he has been doing bad things again and maybe he likes it that way.

A couple nights ago he told me again that he loves me. That everything between us was honest and his feelings for me have always been honest. So why is he so dead set on keeping me away? Why is he choosing this lifestyle he wanted to never go back to? Why is he choosing that over me? Is it all some clever ruse to let me down easy because he just doesn't want me? He went from burning love to "no go away" literally overnight after he went out with those friends and did drugs. He stopped before? So why won't he stop now for me? And why isn't this pain going away? I have no choice but to accept he is gone but I can't. It's been a month and the pain isn't letting up. It's going to ruin me. I can't take it anymore!
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Old 12-03-2015, 11:36 AM
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I don't agree with everything he is doing, but perhaps him "keeping you away" is---in his opinion the compassionate thing to do. Trust me, active addiction is no joke. He sounds very sick and confused. The sad reality is, many addicts can get clean for extended periods of time but can relapse. It's a long, uphill battle. Do you best to detach with love and compassion. Read up on addiction, learn the difference between helping & enabling, codependency and maybe check out an alanon or nar anon meeting. Sending you hugs.
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Old 12-03-2015, 11:49 AM
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Priscilla...

Welcome to the Board. I am sorry for the pain and the confusion that has brought you here, but I'm thankful that you took the step to post. Other members will be by in due course to greet you, but until they do, I'd like to share my own thoughts.

From what you describe, he's got a couple of things going on in parallel: mental health issues, and addiction issues. When you're 12 years old and you're the child of an alcoholic and a drug addict, it's an awful environment to be exposed to. And when it blows up, who's there to take care of him?

I feel for him in that regard. He certainly didn't ask to be brought into the world under those circumstances. But he was. And now, here you are trying to make sense of someone who doesn't understand himself. Hence, the push/pull type behavior. It would not surprise me if he is a Borderline Personality. But to your question --

He stopped before? So why won't he stop now for me?
-- that's not how addiction works. Active addiction is the abdication of self responsibility for the sake of seeking pleasure or, more than likely in his case, escape. So if he cannot be responsible to himself, then how is he going to be responsible to you?

As far as the pain you're experiencing goes...it sucks. It's brutal. It's not fair. And, sadly, it's normal when someone we love is suddenly not there for us anymore. What's important right now, Priscilla, is you have to process his behavior through the dual prisms of mental health and drug addiction. Only then will it make any sense. And once it does, you'll soon come to understand he's not a suitable partner for you.

It pains me to tell you that. But often times, the truth is cruel. What we can do for you is help fill in the gaps of your knowledge, and you can learn from our other members how they managed similar heartbreaks.

Keep posting, keep safe, and again, Welcome to the Board.
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Old 12-03-2015, 12:54 PM
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Thank you for the replies. I'm beating myself up because I feel like it's all my fault. I wish I could go back to that day and not have that argument. Say something different. If I had just reassured him more this wouldn't have happened. If I had wanted to get engaged on our anniversary this wouldn't have happened. He went 9 years without using and I ruined everything. And now I mean nothing to someone who means so much to me. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that my friend is gone too. He isn't there to talk to. The person who wanted to be with my everyday now doesn't want to talk to me at all. How does that all go away so fast? He even admits now that he hates that these people and this lifestyle is what's comforting to him, so why doesn't he try to fight it?
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Old 12-03-2015, 01:10 PM
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He went 9 years without using and I ruined everything
No, that is not what happened. He made a choice, Priscilla. A horrendous choice, to be sure, but the choice was his.

It may be of benefit for you to read some posts from mothers of addicted children and see what they went through. Talk about heartbreaking. And talk about helplessness, too...check them out, I bet you'll understand a bit more clearly after you do...
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Old 12-03-2015, 04:54 PM
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Thank you, Zoso. You are right when you say I am trying to understand someone who does not understand himself. I spend every second of every day analyzing every word he has ever said to me, trying to make it all make sense to me. Drugs and addiction are so far out of my wheelhouse, I can't even begin to grasp choosing anything over love. Over another human being. I don't understand. Maybe there is no way for it to make sense to my brain, the way my brain works. Sometimes when I'm analyzing every word and action from him I tell myself that I may as well take one piece from 50 different puzzles and try to fit them together and make a cohesive picture. Maybe analyzing his brain, when he claims to not even understand it himself, is a fruitless task. But that doesn't stop me. It doesn't stop the questions. Was anything ever real? Does he even miss me? Will he ever care about any of this? Will he ever regret it?

As someone who can't just walk away from a person so easily, and yes, someone who doesn't have an overpowering addiction, I just can't accept these things that don't make sense to me. Thirty days later and I still can't eat, can't sleep, can't calm down, and can hardly function.

Thank you again for your response.
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Old 12-03-2015, 06:09 PM
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It doesn't stop the questions. Was anything ever real? Does he even miss me? Will he ever care about any of this? Will he ever regret it?
What's "real"? Define it. Because what's "real" for you and what's "real" for an addict are two different things.

For what it's worth, I don't doubt that he loved you the best he could. But what you need to understand is addicts operate at a deficit. It's impossible to be a partner or a spouse in a romantic relationship while slowly poisoning yourself at the same time. So whatever he had, he gave to you. It simply wasn't equal to what you were able to give to him, for a lot of reasons.

In any event, his sh!t -- mental illness, addiction -- is his sh!t, not yours. Your job right now is to process what you've experienced, and in order to do that, you need to understand the beast that is addiction. Read as many posts as you can stomach. And then, before you know it, something will click...
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Old 12-03-2015, 10:12 PM
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Sorry for the pain that you are feeling. I too am going through a recent loss of a relationship with an addict. Try not to beat yourself up thinking that you are the cause of his relapse. Relapse is not a single event of the actual moment he hung out wit his old buddies and used. Relapse is a series of problems or a process that happens before he actually used. During a relapse someone can start having emotional difficulty and start thinking and behaving in old ways and decide to use. Sometimes even after sustained recovery when life gets stressful going back to the old life can seem easier than trying anymore. Such as... him pushing you away and deciding to contact people that he had full knowledge would lead him to getting high. Also, you cannot be comfortable in a relationship where you have to walk on eggshells that expressing your feelings or getting into any disagreement/argument is going to cause him to push you away, break up with you, and go make poor choices. No doubt because of his past he would have fear of abandonment and trust issues and this is just my opinion but sounds like this is his way of coping by pushing you away and like you said, hurting himself before you or anyone else can.
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Old 12-03-2015, 10:29 PM
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Hi Priscilla, I am a recovering alcoholic and maybe I can reconfirm what the other members have said here. Life with is addict is like riding a roller coaster. At the start there are ups and downs as we oscillate between addiction fuelled benders where we will cast anything aside, even our own families. We will then come back, full of remorse and be attentive and caring to make amends for what we did. Repeat this cycle over and over again. What you say or do won't really matter that much to us. We can't help the benders and how we behave during them and we will come back like a dog with our tail between our legs when we have had enough. Until the next time.

As time goes on and our condition worsens there will be more downs than ups on that roller coaster and the downs will be deeper and deeper. Getting married or having kids, or indeed any amount of love that you show us won't stop the cycle. Very little, if anything, that you can say will matter.

At this point in the cycle, the best that you can hope for is that he sees sense, quits what he is doing and cleans up. Then after a period of time maybe you can think about whether their is a relationship worth rekindling. Even then, if you do get back with him you have learned a valuable lesson that after a period of abstinence the demons can sometimes and often do return. You might want to wonder if you want to be married or even have kids with that hanging over your head.

In my opinion you made a smart decision not to get married. I am not saying there is no hope in the future with this man. But I think you have a much better idea of the extent of what you are dealing with now. And it certainly ain't your fault.
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Old 12-04-2015, 05:00 AM
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He seems to have an awareness that he is making bad choices though. Yes he has said he is extremely lost, he has sobbed on my shoulder, he has said he doesn't know what to do and feels frozen and powerless. But he seems to know drugs aren't the answer. He said he needs to get through this phase and then see where he stands. He said "I want to self destruct and face the consequences later. It's what I do. I'm messed up." If he knows that, if he knows he is throwing a wrench in all the goals he has been working toward for years, if he knows he will have consequences to face later, why is he doing this?
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Old 12-04-2015, 06:04 AM
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19 "he's" in that statement, Priscilla.

HE is doing this because HE is an ADDICT. it's what THEY do.

and you can't fix it. you can only take care of you now. altho breakups are difficult and painful for anyone, i am worried how deeply distressed and unsettled you are - not eating, sleeping etc. those are things you can fix, please be gentle with yourself.
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Old 12-04-2015, 06:10 AM
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Hi Priscilla,
Something I've noticed over time is that often an addict will dramatize their situation, even to a point of romanticizing the helplessness they feel. Think about it: If the conversation keeps coming back to "poor me, I don't know what's wrong, I hate myself", then the response will tend to be supportive.

Notice no where in that exchange is a true attempt to quit using. It's a way to deflect or sometime even to project on others, rather than address the real problem.

It's like one long bad movie.
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Old 12-04-2015, 06:20 AM
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Well he did tell me he was going to the doctor this week to see if they could give him something other than Xanax for his anxiety. He told me "I'm going to become an effing addict if I try to get through this on my own." Well isn't he already an addict, or no? I'm so confused. He was clean from drugs for 9 years and wouldn't even smoke pot. Now he admits to just wanting to be drunk and high and shut down his emotions and not have anyone count on him. He admits to doing things he never thought he would do again. Is that a relapse? Or is he just using some things in moderation to take the edge off his anxiety? I don't understand what is going on. If he says he is going to the doctor so he doesn't become an addict, does that mean he has control and is not overpowered by addiction now?

Thank you for your responses. I have no one to talk to about this. None of my friends or family understand at all. They are baffled by his words and actions and baffled by my strong feelings toward him despite what he has done. They don't get it.
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Old 12-04-2015, 08:09 AM
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Hi Priscilla-- I am also mourning a break up with my AXBF. He told me so many times that he wanted help. He went to rehab, inpatient and outpatient. He went to AA and got a sponser. And as soon as a trigger happened -- relapse and hiding. I know he wants to stop. He just cant. I have finally accepted that I cannot do anything to help him. He needs to help himself. Every time I get involved or try to be there for him, I am the one who ends up miserable and angry. I know that my AXBF loves me and I love him more that I know I should. But I have to save myself. Your AXBF clearly has been some tools for recovery. When he is ready, he will use them. I often think about that when I get sad or depressed or angry. Hugs to you. These boards have saved my sanity.
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Old 12-04-2015, 08:14 AM
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Hi Owl. Hugs to you too. I'm can't find acceptance, you know? I can't accept that the person I knew for 14 months, the person who was so consistent every day for 14 months, disappeared overnight. All he was working towards. All his plans for his future. Our future. It all disappeared overnight. I can't let go.
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Old 12-04-2015, 08:26 AM
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So hard, I know. My AXBF just stayed with me this last week to finish his last week of college classes (He has been doing most of it on line from his parents house 2 hours away). The first few days, I remembered 3 years of plans and dreams and how much love we have. We made plans for the weekend (although school ended today). Then he drank a few beers last night and became the addict I grew to hate. I had to ask him to leave this morning because I cant deal with him like that. Although I watched his addiction progress and it was not overnight, it feels like my life got ripped away. I am going to no contact. I need to heal and I cannot do it with him in my life. But it took me over a year to get to a place where I can just accept things. Give yourself time.
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Old 12-04-2015, 08:30 AM
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I don't want time. If he got to lose all his feelings overnight, why do I have to continue to suffer so much? I know, life is not fair..
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Old 12-04-2015, 08:33 AM
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Originally Posted by Priscilla84 View Post
Well he did tell me he was going to the doctor this week to see if they could give him something other than Xanax for his anxiety. He told me "I'm going to become an effing addict if I try to get through this on my own." Well isn't he already an addict, or no? I'm so confused. He was clean from drugs for 9 years and wouldn't even smoke pot. Now he admits to just wanting to be drunk and high and shut down his emotions and not have anyone count on him. He admits to doing things he never thought he would do again. Is that a relapse? Or is he just using some things in moderation to take the edge off his anxiety? I don't understand what is going on. If he says he is going to the doctor so he doesn't become an addict, does that mean he has control and is not overpowered by addiction now?

Thank you for your responses. I have no one to talk to about this. None of my friends or family understand at all. They are baffled by his words and actions and baffled by my strong feelings toward him despite what he has done. They don't get it.
Are you taking his word for this?

Many times addicts lie about how much clean time,
"forgetting" many lapses etc.

Unless you have hard proof, I wouldn't assume it's true.
Addicts lie quite a bit, as you've discovered.

He sounds like he's saying what you want to hear,
and not really serious about quitting.
Watch what he does, not what he says.
Take care of you--
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Old 12-04-2015, 08:41 AM
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Hawkeye is completely right. Addicts lie and manipulate. Its just what they do. Its took me a long time to realize my addict was not special. They stay clean because they have no other choice. Its hard when you love them because you want to believe them and even worse, they want to believe themselves. I forgot that until this morning. Do something for yourself today. I am going to get my toes done .
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Old 12-04-2015, 08:45 AM
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Yeah I realize the 9 years clean may not be accurate. With all the other things he told me though, about stealing cars, breaking into houses, jail time, doing every drug except heroin and meth, and selling cocaine, I'm not sure why he would hold back on years in recovery. He did say he went back to selling cocaine about 5 years ago, and I was told that if he was selling he had to also be doing it. But my cop friend said that is not necessarily true. If he was selling to people who knew him he could have not used it himself. He had a daughter seven years ago and really has been an involved dad and has been interested in being clean for her and giving her a good life, unlike his own childhood. I assumed that helped keep him strong and clean these past nine years.
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