Nelly1

As some of you may know my spouse has been in rehab after a year long oxy/heroin addiction. He completed the program, was so happy and seeing the real kind him again was amazing. Many of you told me to prepare for the worst..... Naturally I thought my situation would be different. I had so much hope, faith, optimism. All to no avail. The second day he was out of rehab he relapsed. He is lying about it, denying it until he literally can't speak but I know better. As I always say; using looks like using and pinned eyes don't lie. I am hopeless, I am heartbroken, and I am so so devastated. I will never get him to admit it and now I truly feel that I have no more plays in this game. How can you help someone who doesn't want the help? I have given him every chance to level with me and come clean, maybe rehab wasn't long enough....... Maybe you need more time...... A slip doesn't have tili be a full blown relapse..... But he won't come clean. He tells me I'm crazy and want to create problems that don't exist. And to "Google why my eyes would be pinned"! I told him if he wasn't using then we can buy a drug test to put my mind at ease.....naturally he didn't go for that! I just don't know what else I can possibly do for him. As I've heard here before, If love could save them none of us would be on this forum! I feel so so stupid so please, go easy on me. I just need a place to feel not so crazy... And I'm so sad that he didn't even give sober life at home a go..... Oh what now? ***one day at a time***

biminiblue

I'm sorry this is happening, Nelly - but it is happening.

It isn't likely to get better, unfortunately.

((hug)) There is nothing you can do but start making plans to disentangle yourself.

Nelly1

Thanks for that, it just hurts so bad. I don't know what's right anymore, everytime I think I am handling the situation the best I can it blows up in my face. Is it really true that everything they say is a lie? Is it really true that we can't help them? I have such a hard time rationalizing walking away, I want so desperately to have the real him back and feel like I have a partner again. It's such a lonely feeling living with all of these secrets. Never knowing If today's the day they'll get a bad bag and die or if you leave them, will he uphold his promise to overdose and kill himself. I hate addiction, I hate that I'm sad every single day....... Yet leaving is sadder

biminiblue

The best thing you can do is find some face to face support for yourself. That will make whatever happens less overwhelming. Have you tried Al Anon meetings or looked for CODA meetings or Celebrate Recovery? Have you read any of the recovery material, like Codependent No More?

The worst thing for you would be to isolate and not talk about this. Regardless of what he does, you need support to navigate these very choppy seas. Do your friends and family know about the struggles you are currently having?

JD

"Is it really true that we can't help them? " Unfortunately it's true. The addict has to help themselves. No one can do it for them. If he's not ready to do that, then he's not ready. You have to do what's best for you and not him.

zoso77

Short term, yes, leaving is sadder.

Long term, not so much.

Sometimes in this life, Nelly, there is no avoiding pain. And with that truism in mind, we're often confronted with decisions we don't want to make but have to for the sake of our well being. Perhaps it's time you take charge of your well being and your future...

hopepraylove

"when the pain of staying is worse than the pain of letting go, you'll leave."

teatreeoil007

Nelly - I'm so sorry you feel sad everyday. What you're going through is so disheartening...

Put yourself first, Nelly and take care of yourself. He will do what he will do, and in the meantime you can be doing other things that make you happy....

Big HUG!

JOIE12

I found that his threats of killing himself ended when I told him that if he threatened it again, I would call 911. Addicts don't plan to kill themselves. They may have a death wish but any threat or hint of suicide should be met with an immediate call. It ends their hostage situation. Holding that fear over you. Never ignore those words.

I'm sorry that you are in pain. When someone shows you who they are, please listen. You cannot love him into recovery. You cannot wish and hope and push him into recovery.

but you can decide ... today ... that YOUR life is worth more than stagnating in this maze of sickness. Navigating each day, in agony. I did it. I wish I had found my own worth so much sooner.

We are here anytime you wish to share your thoughts and feelings. Have you tried a meeting in your area ? studied addiction ? read a book ? the stickies at the top of this forum ?

Txhelp

I understand the pain of finally getting some hope (rehab) for a life with our partner and day/months later......the rug is pulled out from under us.

All we can do is help ourselves....I wish/prayed for it to be different years ago. The addiction has a life of it's own and it's not a life for a marriage or any relationship.

Get as much support as you can and reach out. Keep walking forward regardless of his actions. What else is there to do?

Ann

I am so sorry, Nelly. I know how gut wrenching it is, after having our hopes up and actually seeing rehab and some clean time, to find the circus is back in town. It just plain hurts, right to our soul.

It happened so many times with my son that I became sick, yes, me, not him. I was the one with health issues and depression and I was the one who almost died trying to save him.

There comes a time in life where we have to face things we never thought we would ever have to face and we have to make decisions that we know are right but that we struggle so hard trying to make them.

I too found my balance at meetings, Al-anon and CoDA were my two fellowships, and reading Codependent No More and Language of Letting go every day helped too, and of course SoberRecovery has been my place of peace for 13 years now.

I'm sorry you hurt, Nelly, and hope you find your own peace soon.

Hugs

Nelly1

Thanks everyone, from the bottom of my heart..... I finally left today, after the 10 days it's been since he's been home from rehab and seeing that nothing has changed one bit I got myself together and hit the road (not without immense guilt and overwhelming sadness) he stayed out until 4am last night because he says "he wanted to prove to himself that he could go out without drinking" well...... When your a "recovering" heroin addict (injecting) and you've appeared high all week and your only a week out of rehab.... I'm not supposed to be upset that you've stayed out all night long??? I'm not supposed to be hurt when I've stood by you through rehab full of hope and prayer and you've rubbed my nose in it?? .... But I suppose since he's still using (though he swears he's not) that this explains his erotic behavior. This also explains his abusive words and nasty attitude. I've never felt pain this bad but I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so used and disappointed...... Just a few days ago I was on top of the world sure that his addiction would be cures for good and we'd run off into the sunset together.... Boy does reality bite. I'm not sure if I'll stick to my guns and stay away, but I left him a note explaining that im only a phone call away and to call me if and only if he wants to go back to treatment. He's already discovered the note and texted me that he "doesn't see anything wrong he's done" and that "I'm clearly just mad because he went out" ..... He even said "but I'm going to meetings!!! What more do I have to prove??" .......

Jorgenss

I'm sorry you are here again. I learned that the pain of staying was greater than staying.

Sending big hugs.