Hechosedrugs

I am beyond devastated that my husband chose to file a restraining order against me. I am beyond devastated that I had to file one against him! At least what I said in mine was the truth...

I never wanted this to happen. It hurts so bad to be in that waiting room with him, but not with him, and worst of all- with his mom icing me.

I bent over backwards for this man- I tried so hard to fix him, to make this work. But I had to give up- I had to choose my kids. If it were just me, I'd still be there taking his crap. I miss him so much.

How can his mom know all that he put me through, but still hate me? And she's so damn involved, basically orchestrating the whole divorce. Just can't wait to get rid of me!

I'm so incredibly hurt and so confused. A full week of emails saying how much he loves me (a total violation of my restraining order, btw) and now this.

And still, with all he's done to us- put us in danger, lied, betrayed- still, I'm fantasizing that it will all work out.

I'm so sick.

hopepraylove

HCD,

You are a step ahead of so many people. You're aware. Now, put together a plan on how to get WELL.

Welcome to the forums, you'll find a lot of support, love, strength and experience here. Have you been to a CoDA meeting before? Are you familiar with codependency?

Hechosedrugs

I have been to a CODA meeting before, but it was at a church, and they basically told me not to get divorced. I'm going to a divorce support group tonight- also at a church, but it's the only one I could find and I NEED IT NOW!

He's so damn convincing, so manipulative. I'm terrified of what he'll do next. And I'm terrified of living without him! SO many things I have to learn and unlearn. I keep having this vision of myself jumping off a cliff blindfolded- how apt.

I also had a dream where I was sobbing, inconsolable- and he came to comfort me. At first I was so happy, but then I realized he wasn't hurt one bit. I was devastated that he didn't seem to care.

zoso77

I will respond to this in detail when I get home.

Txhelp

I so understand the feeling....for me it's not about how much I want him in this state. I want the person, who is whole, loving and kind...the one I met/married.

It's not sick to want someone back but wanting them back in their active addict state......eh maybe.

zoso77

Welcome to the Board. It is obvious that you're in pain, and I'm really sorry about that. But I'm also grateful that you took the step to reach out and post. So let's get to it:

That kind of cognitive dissonance, I think, is normal. When we love someone and marry that person, we expect it to be for life. Sadly, once drugs enter the picture, that marriage is no longer viable.

I want to address this:

We often see situations such as yours where women, beyond all reason, are encouraged to stay in a toxic marriage for religious reasons. So you can take the following for what it's worth.

When you and your husband took your vows in front of God, the implicit deal you two made was neither of you would do anything to undercut the viability and vitality of the marriage. And by getting involved with drugs, your AH has broken the implicit vow he made in front of God. I have never seen anyone satisfactorily explain why it's OK for the addict to renege on vows by choosing drugs, but it's not OK for the qualifier to protect themselves from the addict. The implication is there are two sets of rules: one for the addict, another for the qualifier. To me, that's nonsense. God gave us the gift of Free Will. Look what your AH has done with that gift. God did not put us on this earth so that we can be the target of someone's inexcusable behavior. Life is hard enough without that nonsense.

As for the RO...I'm of the opinion that if he's in violation of its conditions, you turn him in and allow the police to deal with him.

Just because you love someone does not mean they have license to behave harmfully and destructively towards us.

Stick around. You're safe here. And again, Welcome to the Board.

AnvilheadII

meetings are held in many places....meetings are self supporting and often churches and schools have very low rental rates which the meetings can afford. WHERE the meeting is held has no bearing on the content of the meeting. we have meetings at my workplace. i've attended meetings in community centers, restaurants and of all things, bars.

he is a DANGER to you. he is not going to become your hero. you TRIED to fix him, but you did not CAUSE this, you cannot CONTROL this and you cannot CURE this.

you must protect your children. they deserve all your time and attention. they NEED all your time and attention.

it will work out, just without HIM.

Hechosedrugs

I wish I had reported him to the police when he broke the terms. It just felt wrong to report him for sending emails saying how much he loves me when he's 4 hours away. Instead, I printed them out for my attorney, who mentioned it in court- but it seemed like the judge could not have cared less.

The attorney has been helpful in some areas- I certainly wouldn't have done as good of a job with all of that paperwork on my own. But when we're in court, I find myself just wishing I could speak for myself. It seems like he keeps neglecting to mention important information.

For example, today my husband asked if he could have visitation with the children with his mother as a supervisor. I had told my attorney that his mother has a long history of drug abuse and that I have reason to believe that she is the one supplying him. But when my attorney said we didn't want her as supervisor, the reason he gave was simply that she'd been an "advocate" for my husband. It's a bit more serious than that! I don't want that woman around my kids, and I've asked my attorney if I could demand that she drug test in order to see them, too, but I just feel like he always brushes it off- never really gives me an answer, just acts like he's got it all under control.

zoso77

Hey...

I encourage you to simplify your thinking.

You have taken out a RO against him, and for very valid reasons. There are conditions in the RO that he must follow, and if he doesn't, he's subject to legal penalties.

Protect yourself. Inform the police, and allow the system to protect you because that's what it's there for.

Godspeed.

AlG330

I'm not in the same situation as you, but the father of my child who I dated for four years is an addict as well. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and I know the pain all too well. He decided last week, after the years of trying to fix him like you said you did, he decided to break up with me for a girl he met in rehab.

My only advice is to take it one day at a time. Some days I have hours where I feel okay, and sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

You will make it through this, no matter how bad it seems right now

Hugs to you

Hechosedrugs

Thank you all so much. I'll be back to vent about this all again, I'm sure. Friends and family seem so frustrated- I just keep repeating myself. Thank you for listening.

zoso77

Remember...any sort of abuse, whether it is emotional, mental, or physical, is simply unacceptable. You are under no obligation to put up with anything that compromises your emotional and physical well being.

Be safe. Keep us posted.