FullofShame

Hi. I posted here for the first time about three years ago, after a horrible black out incident. I stopped for a few months, but then started drinking again. I have a few blackouts a year- approximately two, other than that I don't drink every day and can sometimes go out to dinner and have one or two glasses. So I fool myself into thinking I'm normal. But the blackouts scare the crap out of me. I had one last Thursday....and this time I fell down the stairs in front of my kids and completely berated my husband who I love dearly. The time before that, about a year ago, I took MDMA and did coke, and have no recollection of who I did it with. I was awake and partying for hours and have no recollection at all. Terrifying. Well, it's been almost a week since my latest blackout and I am still suffering with the shame of it, and I am scared because I seem to be doing worse things each time. I've always, luckily, been a fun drunk, but this time I turned mean and evil on my husband. What will I do next?? I don't think its worth the risk. I'm scared.

Soberwolf

Welcome Fullofshame I remember being scared alone & confused I was so lost

Getting & staying sober saves me every single day bud

Get involved its really nice to meet you

DoubleFelix

Welcome, FullofShame. I'm sorry to hear that you are hurting so. I hope you'll keep us up to date on your journey. Recovery is hard and scary but absolutely possible.

doggonecarl

Our drinking rarely gets better. As you are finding out, it gets worse. And it can get much worse if you continue to drink.

So what scares you more? What you might do the next time you drink?

Or sobriety?

I hope you can commit to never drinking again. It's the only way to ensure you don't repeat the blackout incidents.

FullofShame

Both are scary. But the blackouts getting worse scares me more. At this point, I have embarrassed myself and hurt my husband. But he's forgiven me. Next time I could really harm someone. I don't want to take that chance. I am scared the same thing will happen again though - that I'll quit for a month and then feel strong enough mentally to drink again. Not sure what to do.

biminiblue

You do what I did and so many others here.

You don't drink again. If you have feelings that you can drink moderately, you just power through that and you don't drink.

Go to bed sober tonight. Do that again tomorrow.

Drinking has to be permanently off the menu. I don't drink, no matter what.

You're not quitting "until" - you're quitting period.

doggonecarl

Well, you have struggled to do this on your own. Not sure if you just weren't ready to quit, or what. But if doing it on your own is proving ineffective, there are formal recovery programs that can help. You need something in place for that point in your sobriety where you think you can drink again. Recovery gives you those "somethings" to remain committed to not drinking.

advbike

I suggest you quit drinking, then find a good recovery program like AA, or a good therapist familiar with addictions. I needed both. I also read a lot of books on the subject.

There's reasons we drink to excess - often to find relief from pain. Pain from abuse, a bad relationship, situations where we can't discuss our feelings openly, resentments toward others, anger with ourselves, etc. Do you know why you drink?

Its important to realize that you can't shortcut the process. You have to remove the addiction before you can see the nature of the problem. It takes time and effort, but the alternative - losing everything - is far worse.

Dee74

Welcome back FullOfShame
I thinking coming here is a good first step...lots of ideas and support here

D

Hevyn

Good to have you back with us, FullOfShame. I'm glad you want to reclaim your life. You can do it!

FullofShame

On the outside I look great but I have a deep sadness that comes out sometimes, and I just want to obliterate myself. Even though it happens relatively infrequently, the shame I feel afterwards is just not worth it. I read through my old posts and I knew then that things would get worse with the blackouts and they have. I turned mean in this last one and that's not acceptable to me. I am sad today. I've hardly been outside in the past few days. I feel really down. I have no idea how to get through the goddam holiday season either. I don;t want to drink and I'm scared that I will.

Nonsensical

That trend will continue if you continue to drink.

Fear of sobriety is a hallmark of addiction. I was loaded with it. It is totally irrational, but totally real. The good news is that it fades in time.

It seems like experiencing the holidays sober will be new to you. You won't regret it.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

PurpleKnight

Welcome back Fullofshame!!

coming_clean

als je evil word van drank en drugs dan kan je het beter helemaal laten staan.

Ikzelf kan niet matigen, dus ik doe het helemaal niet meer.
Dat is ffe wennen, kan maanden, tot een paar jaar duren, maar dan heb je het echt niet meer nodig.

Alle verhalen hier van mensen zijn hetzelfde.
Ze kunnen geen mate houden, ze slaan door, dus of ze stoppen helemaal of ze maken alles kapot.

Soberwolf

Have you spoke with a Dr Fullofshame

You have us to lean on we'l be having a sober Christmas here at SR so you won't be alone

RedAndy

Hi Fullofshame,

Can relate to this totally - how I've been feeling recently but have accepted that drinking is not an option and will not be happening, the thought of a sober Christmas is giving me mixed feelings but its what is going to happen no matter what, as it has too and I expect it will be the best Christmas for many a year and one that I'll actually remember. The blackouts definitely get worse and more and more frequent and ever increasing problems arising from them.

Good luck with it.

Lucie29

I am only a month sober after my last scary blackout, but the thing that is keeping me sober and happy about it everyday is the hope of how great life will be. I find my hope in my job that I love, and fitness, but I am single with no children. Maybe you can concentrate on what a good mom you'll be to your kids this holiday season sober? I'm finding that focusing on the positives of sobriety and how much they drastically outweigh the negatives of blackouts helps. Maybe try putting all of your energy into making the holidays amazing for your family, and the reward of how happy they are will help you through this shame spiral. The shame will pass, you just have to remember how bad it feels now. I'm not one to give advice, but I feel very hopeful this time about sobriety, not like I'm losing something.

Hawkeye13

I went the same way--fun drunk, eventually mean drunk with increasing blackouts.

At this point, you just have to stop totally as there is no going back to "fun drunk"

I have found through numerous attempts to moderate, it just doesn't work for
people at our stage of alcohol abuse.

I was a binge drinker and could go weeks / months between drinks
and could often moderate, but it went steadily downhill over time.

Anna

Alcoholism is a progressive disease and, as most of us have found, things get worse unless we stop drinking. I hope you decide to give up alcohol and begin to recover. I had blackouts too, in the last months of my drinking, and to this day, I remember nothing that happened and it's so scary.

And, yes, the Holiday season is here, but the truth is, there is never a good time to stop drinking and there is always a reason to put it off.

We do understand how hard this is!

soulpower89

Thank you for coming. I do see some of myself in your story, and wait I heard at my first AA meeting last night. The woman basically said when she came out of her black out, she "wanted to throw up her own heart". That really spoke to me. The shame and guilt speak volumes, and it's nothing you can forget...it makes you feel sicker than any hangover, right? I'm with you. I don't want to feel that way anymore, or again. It took strength coming here. Good for you.