badderb

I spent 4 years with someone who was addicted to pills. I tried everything trying to get him to stop. Had been there time and time again when he overdosed would get baker acted but once sober would charm his way out of the baker act. Called his dr and told the staff to stop prescribing him benzos. Anything I could do.

But then I decided it was just taking its toll on me. So he moved out and I tried to be his friend. That just turned into him getting high and coming to my house to fight which eventually led to his arrest. After his arrest I moved and did not tell him where I was living we still talked on the phone and he eventually moved too.

We still stayed in contact I tried to move on with my life and he claimed he was also. Told me he was working again and getting his life together. He had moved far away and a couple of weeks ago was in town and he wanted to meet up. I told him tocome to my work and we could do lunch.

As soon as I saw him I could tell that he was still using drugs....Needless to say I was very distant during our visit and very standoffish because I felt uncomfortable around him being high. He left and went back home.

He texted me and said maybe we should go our seperate ways I just replied ok. The next morning he was back to confessing his love for me. I ignored the message. A week passes and his uncle called me to tell me he had a stroke and was on life support.

He woke up and was taken off life support but he has a mass on his lung and was only given two weeks.

I cant see him because there are no visitors his father doesnt know me and his mother who does know me recently passed away so basicaly no one in his family knows me and im sure his father thinks im just an addict also. I cant see him. He is going to die.

He told me he wanted to die after one of his overdoses when he was in the hospital. So I guess my question is did I even help? He would have probably died a lot sooner if I hadnt have taken him to the er or called an abulance. Did I just make him live in misery longer? I have to get answers to these questions because I feel like "I" am the one dying inside.

I feel lost and helpless. I feel like if I hadnt pushed him out of my life he would be living life right now. But would he be enjoying it or just want to die? I feel like things happen for a reason and there is a lesson to be learned but I dont know what that lesson is. We carried his child only to have it die. Why? Why is all this on my plate?

AnvilheadII

honey, nothing you did caused him to have a stroke and nothing you could have done could have prevented the stroke. we are not that powerful.

i am so sorry for this passage in your life. it is so sad. know that you loved him, cared about him and that he KNEW that. you did leave an impression upon his life and he did in yours.

borgs7

Just know you've done all you could do. You have no control of anyone's actions but your own . Just know that you loved him and he knew that but wasn't well enough to make a right choice to treat himself and you better. Hugs to you . Sending positive thoughts your way .

JOIE12

badderb - my exABF passed away in the spring. I understand your feelings. The what if's will not help. I know this now. It has taken a long time but all in all, I am grateful that he no longer fights this beast. He was never going to quit. He had done too much damage. And he left us behind. Those that loved and cared about him no matter what. A big hole faces me each day but i cannot take that path. I had made it clear for five days that i was not going to be around anymore. He arrived back in town from working and begged me to pick him up. Reluctantly I did. We spent the night laughing, talking, staring .. like when the mind takes a picture that you never wish to forget. He knew. he cried. And less than two hours later, he was gone. Should I stop living ? Should I stop trying to bring some joy into anyone else's life ? Should I despair and give up ? I have a long way to go yet but I am hopeful that I will get there. Life has become much simpler and I have had to search my soul for answers. So I take what I have learned and use it for the greater good. No loss is in total. He was not a bad person. He gave me the laughs of a lifetime. He loved people and loved singing/dancing. I remember that each day.

I am sorry for you and for him. Life doesn't often make sense. It's a puzzle that shows itself in time. Forgive yourself for what you feel you are guilty of. Accept the loss. Remember - when you feel strong enough and share your words, experience, hope and laughter with all those who need you. Please keep us updated. I will be thinking about you. hugs, Joie

zoso77

Kiddo...

That's not how it works. By your own admission, you spent four years of your life trying to get him to stop using. Think about that: four years. That's a good chunk of time. And then after that four years, the price you were paying to stay with him was too great. So it ended. And he was still using after it ended. So based on all of this, where's the evidence that you could have prevented this horrible ending?

There is no evidence.

So now comes the grieving, and all the conflicting, f**ked up emotions that come along with it. And I can tell you from experience the grieving never ends. We always mourn who we've lost, and it doesn't matter if we're about to lose them, or we lost them yesterday, or five years ago. The place that you'll arrive at eventually is a place of acceptance. You're never going to like what he did to himself. But you will, sooner rather than later, accept there was nothing that you or anyone could do for him. He's an adult. He made his choices. And you had to make choices in order for you to survive.

I'm so sorry it has come to this.

badderb

Thanks everyone for you thoughts. Today was a better day.

joey8262

stay with him, be his enabler and potentially kill yourself ? or stand up and say "O.K, enough's enough-let's get on top of it".

it's amazing how many addicts go out on "one last blast before rehab".

hopeful4

You have gotten input but I just wanted to jump in and say how sorry I am. The stress of this has to be absolutely overwhelming.

Warm hugs to you.

badderb

Thanks again everyone. He is still alive I am able to talk to him on the phone he is very hard to understand Im not sure how well his brain is working.....During one call he said, "you can come visit me" That kinda crushed me because I can not. His dad wont let me... It was really bothering me that I couldnt see him one last time while he was awake I felt like he was wondering why I wasnt there and thinking I didnt care. BUT I realized his did this all to himself. Its HIS fault I cant visit. Not mine I did nothing wrong. I called him again told him I loved him and that his father wouldnt let me come and visit him and thats why I wasnt there. Whether or not he even knows who I am or anything it doesnt really matter....I feel at peace with it. ( At least for Today) Maybe this is a stepping stone and hopefully each day will get better. It still really hurts the heart knowing I will never see him again but I cant blame myself anymore.

Now onto a new chapter in my life.....

Vale

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
It still really hurts the heart knowing I will never see him again but I cant blame myself anymore.

Now onto a new chapter in my life.....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >



Me too.

badderb

He passed away January 14th. Weird because we had a son together who was stillborn he passed away January 16th a few years back.

zoso77

badderb...

I am very, very sorry for your loss.

I'm certain that since that day, you've been experiencing the whole gamut of emotions, and none of it is pleasant. But it's important that you recognize there was nothing you could do to prevent this from happening. As I pointed out to you in December, you spent 4 years of your life trying to get him to a better place. That was never going to happen.

My hope is that God takes care of him now. And my hope for you is that you remember what was good about him, keep it close to your heart, and then when you're ready, move onto the next chapter of your life.

Hawkeye13

I'm sorry badder

least

I am so sorry for your loss.

Dee74

I'm sorry badderb.

D

Ann

I am so sorry for your loss. He KNEW you cared, he suffers no more.

May you find some comfort knowing how much all of us care and understand. We are here for you anytime you want to talk.

Big hugs from my heart to yours.

Hevyn

badderb - I'm sorry you had to go through this. As the others have said, you did everything possible to help there be a different outcome. It wasn't to be. Prayers for you to be comforted.

greeteachday

I'm so sorry. This is a very difficult time; be especially gentle with yourself.

MissUs2015

You could have given him more money or shelter or sent the signal that his hiding was working for you. You didn't. In standing up for you, you bolstered his initiative to turn it around. He didn't.
It's important to realize that it's not just about you. If his immediate family keeps supporting him with money and with denial (i.e. "taking his side"), there is nothing more you could have done to stop them from loving him to death.
I'm so sorry.

Anna

I'm very sorry for your loss and I hope you find some peace.