Doing the monkey dance

Old 12-01-2015, 01:48 PM
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Doing the monkey dance

My ex is fabulous at this-flying into rages when confronted with the reality of his actions (or lack therof). I used to get scared-bc he had been violent in the past-until I realized I needed to lean forward, laugh at the seemingly distraught toddler raging and throwing a tantrum, and not let him bully me any longer. I never thought I would come to the day where I truly don't want to ever hear from him again-all I hear is wah, wah, wah when he talks. And I've been able to spot the cycles-it's easy once you know what you're dealing with. Anyway, this article was posted in my spouses of narcs support group....thought it was hella accurate for not only dealing with narcs but also A's....bc so much of the behavior is the same:

http://thenarcissistatwork.com/2012/...-monkey-dance/

Enjoy!
Peace to y'all today
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Old 12-01-2015, 02:12 PM
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God, I needed to read this right now. Thank you SO much for sharing.
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Old 12-01-2015, 07:03 PM
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I pray it helps you, Hope!!
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Old 12-01-2015, 07:33 PM
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Fourourgirls, thank you for that article. You have no idea the perfect timing it had for me. I am relatively new here, trying to learn to deal with my AH. For the past 8 days my AH has been binge-drinking and has been passed-out drunk every single day. Tonight was the first time that he showed some resemblance of sobriety. I went to tell him that his son had been calling him for the past 2 days and that he should call him back and to ask him if he would be able to attend a hearing tomorrow or if he wanted me to cover for him. He rolled his eyes and said that he would take care of it. When I asked him why he was giving me attitude when he is the one who's been insulting me all week, his answer was "because you're in my face and you're standing right there. Just leave!"

Needless to say, that left me speechless and heartbroken. This article finally gave me an explanation and reassured me that it's not me. Sadly, it also tells me that it will keep happening, but at least I have that article that I will keep handy and read often.

Thank you for sharing it!
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Old 12-01-2015, 07:39 PM
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Once you understand it, it becomes easy to just ignore. It's really all about them, so ignore and keep walking forward (says ME, who had to learn this the very hard way after years and years of failing miserably and always engaging and defending). Look up grey rock theory as well...applies to As and narcs the same. Glad it helped!! Once your eyes are opened they cannot be closed.
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Old 12-02-2015, 04:42 AM
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Forourgirls, thank you so much for that link. I forwarded it to my SIL, who is still dealing w/my brother's antics and efforts to control and bully her, even tho they have been divorced for several years now and he moved to Canada w/his GF 2 years ago! Currently he is in a rage b/c she finally sold the house, as they agreed she would, and he is receiving NO proceeds from it, due to money he borrowed from her and did not pay back as well as support, tuition, etc., that he has not paid over 3 or 4 years either. He kept no records of any kind, saying "I trust her to take care of all that", and now that the chickens have come home to roost and he doesn't like the result, he thinks he can do the monkey dance that has worked so well on her for all the many years before this. (She is an ACOA and a nurse--can you say "hotbed of codependence"?)

I've got news for him--it's taken her a long time to pick herself up, but she DID sell the old house (that he built), she has been paying for the girls' tuition and so on all by herself for the past few years when he was busy cheating on one GF w/another, and she's DONE w/him. I can only hope that the current GF will observe the monkey dance (she is a smart cookie) and get a clue before she ends up getting hurt too.

Again, great post, thanks for the link to that article.
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Old 12-02-2015, 04:45 AM
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I just want to note a couple of things--not everyone who behaves this way on occasion is a clinical narcissist--suffering from NPD. Most alcoholics behave in narcissistic ways a lot of the time, which is not to say they are suffering from (or that YOU are suffering from) NPD. Alcoholics can make a lot of noise to distract everyone from the real problem--alcohol. With those people, sobriety and a good recovery program will eliminate the behavior. In those cases, too, detachment and staying calm is an effective response.

But when the rages are part of a pattern of abuse--whether alcoholism or NPD are part of the picture or not--"ignoring" the abuse may only cause it to escalate and may be dangerous. Sometimes "flight" IS absolutely the appropriate response. If your partner makes you afraid, please contact your local shelter or the National DV Hotline and talk with an advocate, who can help you assess your own situation and help you with any necessary safety planning.
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Old 12-02-2015, 04:55 AM
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Good Morning For
Loved the article! How true, huh?
HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!
Ro
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Old 12-02-2015, 05:05 AM
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Lexie-very true....again, we here spend so much time thinking "what is he?" so we can fit it into a box and figure it out and understand it-well, at least I did this for a long time. I have no idea if my ex is NPD-I do not think so but I joined a narc support group bc the behaviors are so strikingly similar. You are right with patterns of abuse....and escalating behavior-I am not discounting that at all.....just that threats from alcoholics are usually baseless and empty and come from their desire to eliminate anything that gets in between their drinking or anything that tells the truth about them. I do agree with you, Lexie....sometimes the best thing to do IS run...just depends on who you're dealing with.
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Old 12-02-2015, 05:32 AM
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Run......yes.....RUN. Run like your hairs on fire....
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Old 12-02-2015, 05:35 AM
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My last partner (not an alcoholic) had many narcissistic traits. I tend to doubt he would be diagnosed as NPD, but he was, I think, on the spectrum.

I remember he once threatened to disclose something private to my office, after we had separated, unless I did something he wanted me to do. I called his bluff and said, "Go right ahead, be my guest--and I will be filing harassment charges so fast your head will spin." Never heard another word about it, and needless to say, it was all hot air. He was very big on saying how he was going to do this or that to someone who had angered him, but he never followed through even with reasonable actions he could have taken against them.

I know you have a pretty good handle on what you're dealing with, For--my comment/caution was more for the newer folks who are still trying to figure out WHAT it is so they can FIX it. (One more tip for newer folks--even if you figure out what someone else's "issue" is, you can't fix another person.)
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Old 12-02-2015, 06:52 AM
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Nope-can't fix anyone. If a person desires to chabge, he/she will change-period.
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