Need advice regarding my EXAB

Old 12-01-2015, 12:49 PM
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Need advice regarding my EXAB

I saw my ex at a party over the weekend. I had a feeling that he was going to be there, because he is also friends with the person who hosted the party. I have been avoiding several social events over the last few months if I thought there was a chance he would be there. Last week, I decided I'd had enough of that... I shouldn't have to miss out on social events or seeing my friends, just because of him. So I went, and there he was.

He hugged me and asked me how I am. We chatted for a little while, I'd say a half hour or less. He moved out of his parents' home, has been staying with a friend, sleeping on the friend's couch for 2 months, etc. He has a new job and seems to like it. He said he's been seeing a counselor for about 8 weeks (even though he got out of rehab 6 months ago). He's also trying to find an apartment, but it's been hard for him because he has 2 dogs. Blah blah blah. I think he may have just been continuously talking, to keep the conversation flowing, because I certainly wasn't saying much.

He tried a few times to bring up a couple of things that had happened right before we broke up. I cut him off and said this wasn't the time or the place to discuss these things, and I didn't want to talk about them. He respected that. But he did say that looking back, he understands why I felt the way I did about some of the things that happened. He said he knows he wasn't the best communicator with me, and that he was wrong to not let me talk more or express how I felt. Towards the end of our relationship, it had been a classic case of me walking on eggshells, holding things in. So there were a lot of things that I didn't get to say, and a lot of questions I have that are still unanswered.

He said that if I have anything that I want or need to say to him, he's "ready" to give me that opportunity. He said that we can meet up or I can call him anytime I want, and say everything that I didn't get to say, and he won't get defensive or argue with me. He'll just sit there and listen, because I deserve that. He said this to me 3 times throughout the evening, even though I said "It doesn't matter now." He said if I change my mind, I can contact him anytime.

It's kind of funny, he said he's glad he went to rehab, because he has so much more clarity now, and that the rehab place "fixed him." Yet, he was drinking alcohol at the party and dabbling in other drugs. He's avoided his DOC, which was opiates. He said he hasn't touched them since he got out of rehab, and he can handle these other things just fine, because he wasn't addicted to any of them, just the opiates were a problem. He definitely seemed to be clearer and more focused than before he went to rehab. But I don't think he's truly embracing recovery, and I don't see how he can think that he's "fixed." The drinking and using other drugs seem to be a slippery slope headed straight for a relapse, in my opinion.

So my question is, should I take him up on his offer to voice what I need to say to him? I think I know what most of you will say... No! Which I know in my heart is probably the best answer. It's been extremely hard to move on from this break up without being able to get things off my chest, and tell him exactly how he made me feel at times. I also question his motive. Why now, after all this time, would he suddenly want to give me this opportunity, when he never wanted to hear what I had to say when we were together? I've been waiting for this for a long time, and never though it would happen. Although part of me thinks it's a can of worms and I just shouldn't bother to go there, I also feel like it might give me a little bit of closure (I hate that word, but it's fairly appropriate in this instance) that I've been seeking for so long.

For the record, I have NO desire to get back together with him, ever. I'd rather stab myself in the eye with a pencil than entertain the idea of being in any kind of a relationship with him again. Especially after seeing him drinking and using other drugs right in front of my own eyes at the party. Even if he was completely sober and was actively working a program, I still would have no desire to be in a relationship with him. That ship has long sailed.
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Old 12-01-2015, 01:03 PM
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this right here holds your answer:

It's kind of funny, he said he's glad he went to rehab, because he has so much more clarity now, and that the rehab place "fixed him." Yet, he was drinking alcohol at the party and dabbling in other drugs. He's avoided his DOC, which was opiates. He said he hasn't touched them since he got out of rehab, and he can handle these other things just fine, because he wasn't addicted to any of them, just the opiates were a problem. He definitely seemed to be clearer and more focused than before he went to rehab. But I don't think he's truly embracing recovery, and I don't see how he can think that he's "fixed." The drinking and using other drugs seem to be a slippery slope headed straight for a relapse, in my opinion.

he's already IN relapse.....just not WITH his DOC.....yet. if you had not attended the party, you two would not have had the encounter. it's not like he went out of his way to make amends - you just happened to be there. it was "convenient" for him.

also, when you said "I don't want to talk about this now" - he did not respect that....he kept going on and on - saying, ironically enough, that if you needed to TALK to him, he'd LISTEN.

he can't give you the closure you seek, or ever really HEAR you. you know your truth. that's enough.
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Old 12-01-2015, 02:08 PM
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Thank you, AnvilheadII. This is exactly what I needed to hear. You are so right.
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Old 12-01-2015, 02:09 PM
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Write him a letter and send it. I wouldn't bother...the ship has sailed. Why stir up the past with someone who is clearly not attempting to make amends. He more-than-likely wants to stir up some feelings that serve his own purpose/needs.
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Old 12-01-2015, 05:19 PM
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Good point, Txhelp. Thank you both for your replies. Jeez, I'm already sitting here thinking, Why the heck did I even consider this?! No good could come of it. I knew this... but then that stupid little codependent voice inside me started rearing its ugly head! I'm all set. I'm not even going to bother with a letter. I just need to continue to focus on myself and letting things go as they are. Thanks again.
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Old 12-01-2015, 05:30 PM
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It's kind of funny, he said he's glad he went to rehab, because he has so much more clarity now, and that the rehab place "fixed him." Yet, he was drinking alcohol at the party and dabbling in other drugs.
That's because he's full of sh!t. Hilariously so.

On the one hand, he's saying that going to rehab "fixed" him. On the other hand, using his newly found "clarity", he's given himself permission to drink and "dabble" in drugs other than opiates.

Evoking Phillip Seymour Hoffman's fate seems appropriate at this point. Here was a guy who had over 20 years of recovery under his belt (his DOC was heroin), and then he gave himself permission to drink. I was an addict in my 20's, I can drink in my 40's, he probably told himself. And they found his body with a needle in his arm and stashes of heroin all over his apartment.

Dishonesty on that scale can kill.

Put as much distance between you and your AXBF as possible.

Last edited by zoso77; 12-01-2015 at 05:32 PM. Reason: Editted for clarity
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Old 12-01-2015, 06:01 PM
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Thanks, Zoso77. You always say the wisest things. I'm glad I posted this thread. This is exactly what I needed, a couple of shakes back to reality. It's unreal how quickly and easily these people can mess with our heads, if we let them.
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Old 12-02-2015, 09:35 AM
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you did the work to break free, don't torture yourself with having to have the strength to do it a second time. You have a whole life to live. No one wants to walk back into that mess when they were fortunate enough to have survived once. Blessings to you, Hugs, Joie
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Old 12-02-2015, 11:12 AM
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sure! go talk to him!
and have circus music playing while its happening. it will probably be very interesting with a whole bunch of mumbo jumbo blahblahblah while high as a kite.
requiring circus music in the background to make sense.
hes not in relapse. that stopped once he picked up the drink/drug. hes in active addiction,rationalizing it,and lieing about being fixed because hes in denial.
i might say that due to me rationalizing putting down the crackpipe yet drink and smoke pot was ok.

and when i was there best move anyone around me made was to get the hell away from me. toss me oyt of their lives.
all who stayed around me suffered from my insanity.
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Old 12-02-2015, 11:28 AM
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Joie12 and tomsteve, thank you both. You're right Joie12, once was more than enough. And I've said many times, never again. Tomsteve, thanks for the laugh! I actually laughed out loud at work when I read your response. Thanks for taking the time to post your comment... it's always interesting to me, to hear the perspective of an addict or a recovering addict in situations like these.

I more or less knew these past few days that I am not going to contact him. But there was about a 10% piece of me that was nagging me to contact him and speak my peace. I knew it wasn't a good idea though. I guess I was seeking confirmation so I can quiet down that 10% doubt for good. I've come such a long way since our break up, and contacting him would be the biggest step backwards I could ever take, possibly in my entire life.
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