Introducing myself

Old 12-01-2015, 09:47 AM
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Introducing myself

Hello all, I've been lurking a little here for a while and decided to join in.

My situation is complicated (aren't they all?), but I'll try to spell it out briefly...

My AH recently went back to rehab. He had gone to rehab before back in the spring and checked himself out without completing the program. When he left, he didn't come back home, and he hasn't lived at home since. We are estranged/separated. We have 3 children together.

Oh, and he's been having an affair for over a year. I found that out when he went to rehab the first time.

He has been in full denial about his serious substance abuse problems and playing the blame game.

He went from living in a nice home, great job, and a promising future to living in a trashy trailer park, no job, nothing. He has not paid one penny toward the care of his children in 8 months and has been almost completely out of contact. He's only seen the kids a small handful of times, only once since school started.

I have been an at-home mom for 15 years, and this has completely turned my life upside down. While I do have a bachelor's degree, it's not a very marketable one. The kids and I are being supported by my inlaws while I go back to school to get a degree in the medical field so I can get a decent job to support us. I am grateful for their support, but it does come at a price - it's a very enmeshed, dysfunctional family.

I was a classic codependent, but I've been working hard on myself. I've been seeing a therapist for 2 1/2 years now, and I've come a long way. Still have a lot of work to do, but I'm miles from where I was.

AH is addicted to alcohol and cocaine/crack. He also can't control gambling (he doesn't gamble much, but the last time he had opportunity, he withdrew thousands in cash from a credit card). He has a very addictive personality.

Things have really gone downhill with AH lately, to the point where he was in danger of dying either from suicide (which he's mentioned), overdose/body giving out (he had a random seizure a couple of months ago and was taken to the hospital and has apparently had some health problems since then as well) or at the hands of dealers (he apparently got beaten pretty badly down in "cracktown" recently).

I guess I'm just feeling fragile these days, so I'm reaching out here. There's so much more to the situation... I want a divorce but am dragging my feet because I'm afraid of how much it's going to cost, afraid I won't have the time to deal with it, and I am needing to save as much $$ as I can in what I call my "independence fund."

So, yeah. Here I am. This seems like a great group of people.

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Old 12-01-2015, 10:09 AM
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Given your financial situation, I would say to check with your local legal aid. They recently helped me settle a custody situation with my ex. All I have to pay is half the court costs. I looked for a link to post, but each state/area seems to have their own website and phone number. Just google "legal aid" and a zip code or state and you should hit on the right place.
The application process was pretty easy, just a few simple questions about income, etc. I was extremely happy with my representation. Navigating the family court system in Iowa basically requires an attorney, and I was very fortunate to get the help I did.
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Old 12-01-2015, 10:09 AM
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Hi, and welcome! Sounds like you are doing some good work on providing for your family. And good for you on the therapy.

Please make an appointment with a lawyer. It could be that your divorce would be relatively simple. He clearly isn't capable of caring for the children, so he's hardly in a position to fight you for custody. Do you own property together? Where are you living?

Several people here have handled their own divorce by using a lawyer just to look over the paperwork and make sure it's done correctly. You want to be sure that everything is done right because of the children. But really, you might be surprised how little it would cost you financially, and it might bring a huge sense of freedom to cut yourself loose.
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Old 12-01-2015, 10:11 AM
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Another vote for at least talking to a lawyer. I filed for divorce last week, not only because I'm sooooo ready to move on with my life, but also because if my STBXAH were to get in an accident, hurt or kill someone, etc., I could be sued right along with him. Just something to keep in mind.
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Old 12-01-2015, 11:08 AM
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The kids and I live in a house that my inlaws own - we have lived here for several years. I hesitate to explain more because of identifying information... Housing is not an issue - we can stay here pretty much indefinitely if we choose to.

AH and I don't have many assets - again, I hesitate to say more.

I did talk to a lawyer over the summer, and she was very kind and helpful, but she kind of scared me with talking about court, judges, etc. It's just something that I don't know if I can deal with right now.

No, he's not really in a position to fight for custody. He's a trainwreck. What I would WANT is sole custody with supervised visitation, but that sounds like it would be harder to fight for.

I knew that things were going to come to a head at some point, and my therapist had been helping me to prepare for that eventuality. But what ended up happening was far worse than we had thought possible. I never thought he'd screw up enough to lose his job - he worked in the (very profitable) family business. His cocaine use and the draining of our finances was also unexpected. Then finding out about the affair (with someone I had known and liked) was the icing on the crap cake.
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Old 12-01-2015, 11:23 AM
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I was terrified of going to court with my ex, but the truth is, he was really foolish and delusional to take it that far. If he had settled for any of our offers in mediation (mandatory in our state) rather than insisting on dragging it to trial, he would have gotten a much better (and cheaper) deal.
Asking for what you want- sole custody/supervised visits/whatever- is really just a matter of filing the papers, and the lawyer will do that. A trial may or may not happen. Lots of cases get settled before that. It sounds like your ah might not be in a position to really fight much, so you would have a good chance of settling in mediation or through your attorneys before a trial.
Ours was just custody, since we were not married and the child support issue was settled earlier in his home state, but I ended up getting everything I asked for and then some, so in the end it was worth it. In my case it was about protecting our son from his drinking behavior, since he got it in his head that he was entitled to shared custody, unsupervised visits and all kinds of other things. I could have saved myself a lot of trouble and expense if I had handled it sooner and not procrastinated. I initially had to pay out of pocket for a lawyer in his home state because he filed a case there first, so that had to get dismissed before I started legal proceedings here.
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Old 12-01-2015, 12:23 PM
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I know it's really scary, but I am betting if you would get it over with, you would be glad you did. Brushing reality under the carpet won't help. You are fortunate to have help, and to have a place to live. That is great.

Sadly, some people don't seem to have a "bottom" as so many say. This could go on indefinitely, is that something you want hanging over your head?

Stay with therapy, that is absolutely great. Try to get him to agree to your terms before it goes to court. I did that and got some things into my divorce decree that the courts would never had ruled had to be in there.

Many, many hugs to you. Keep posting, you are not alone.
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Old 12-01-2015, 12:28 PM
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Remember, too, that lawyers (I am one) have obligations to explain EVERYTHING. It's kind of like those warning labels or inserts on drugs that explain everything that could possibly go wrong in terms of side effects, etc. It doesn't mean you're likely to experience any of them, but if they don't disclose and something happens they get sued because they didn't disclose/explain.

So even though you are hearing all the details about what could happen in a divorce, that doesn't mean they WILL happen, as ladyscribbler pointed out. Most cases settle.
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Old 12-01-2015, 01:28 PM
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you ask for exactly what you want in the petition.....you don't worry about what he MAY do, you deal with that IF it comes to pass.

i am a bit concerned about your living arrangements....the home is owned by your IN LAWS, aka HIS parents. while to date that may seem to work out just fine and that they have your back.....we have way too many sad tales on this forum of moms who suddenly find themselves displaced and left out in the cold when the alcoholic's family circles the wagons. unless you have an ironclad lease in writing spelling out the specifics of your guaranteed length of stay, i'd not consider that a done deal. i don't care what they have SAID......have a solid plan B.

while you don't have to have it all figured out today, i would urge you to pick up the pace a bit. as you said, things have already happened that you NEVER thought possible....and i would not be surprised if there is even more that will be revealed.

just call me the Pixie of Happiness here....sigh.
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Old 12-02-2015, 04:57 AM
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TW, I'm one of those who handled divorce on their own, using a lawyer just for consult to make sure I understood things and filled them out correctly and on time. In my case, we spent about 15 minutes in front of the judge and it was all done.

Now granted, I had a cooperative husband, no debt, no kids, no joint investments, and he did not fight me for the house, which I brought to the marriage. However, I think that what others say is right, you should at least consult w/an attorney--it sounds like you really have nothing to lose, and since you don't own much in common, the kids are the only issue.

Another thing I've heard said here a lot is to document, document, document about your AH's behavior. Losing his job, not showing up to pick up kids when he's supposed to, getting beat up in cracktown, anything else that will show his pattern of substance abuse, lack of financial responsibility, etc. All that will go towards your desire for sole custody of the kids.

I'd also like to echo what Wisconsin said about divorcing as a way to protect yourself from potential fallout should he get in a car accident or otherwise hurt or kill someone. This was also a factor for me in deciding to divorce--XAH has a pattern of driving drunk and eventually he'll either be stopped for DWI (roughly $10K in costs) or he'll get in an accident. I didn't want to be part of the liability for either one of those.

If you look up some of my recent posts, you'll see that he did in fact have an accident (not driving related) that has resulted in him being out of work, living on disability until/if he can return to his old job, and looking at the costs for an ER visit, surgery, and 2-1/2 days in the hospital. (Yes, he luckily has insurance, but that is going to be one hefty bill to pay the deductible and 20% of). I am thanking my lucky stars that none of this is my problem. Protecting yourself and your kids from a similar situation just makes sense.
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Old 12-02-2015, 10:26 AM
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Thank you everyone for your welcome and input.

I keep vacillating between sadness and anger. I guess it's part of the process.

I think the first step is going to be to gather all my notes (in memory, texts, and emails) into one place.

As to a Plan B, my inlaws, etc - I'm really not worried about getting kicked out (I doubt they would do that to their grandkids), but I do have a little over $12,000 saved in my emergency/independence fund. I'm not touching that account unless I absolutely have to - I'm planning to get loans for school so I can keep that cushion.

I would really appreciate advice down the road from those who know more than I do about the whole divorce procedure. I live in Florida.

I'm also trying to figure out what to do with all his stuff, especially now that he's in rehab, and I have no idea where he's going to be living afterward (he was on the verge of eviction at his last place). I don't want to deal with him directly if at all possible - he can be very triggering and hateful when he's angry, and I'm pretty sure he's quite angry with me - the reason he's in rehab now is because I told his mother about a convo with a mutual friend (who lives in the same complex) about how bad the situation had gotten. This friend told me that AH had screamed at her to never talk to me again.

I'm really feeling the weight of all this plus issues with my dysfunctional inlaws (he was on a smear campaign against me for years - he told them things to make me look bad so he could look better, and that has affected my relationship with them).

I feel like I'm blabbing, sorry.
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Old 12-02-2015, 10:36 AM
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Hi Kiddo keep babbling for all of us have gone through the stuff before.. and can help in so many ways.. hugs prayers and I went through divorce ..it took 4 years.. it was a mess.. he had an accident with his pedal bike and in hospital they called me .. I gave them his Moms phone number and said send King Kong back to Mom.. sorry.. long day here too.. laughter helps. and hold your kids tight. I did and mine grew up to be great adults... love ardy
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Old 12-02-2015, 10:58 AM
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The thing is, TW, we can all tell you our divorce stories, but even those who live in Florida are not going to be able to give you a more accurate picture than a lawyer who practices in the court that will hear your case can.

As I mentioned, I'm a lawyer (not a family lawyer, and not currently practicing). Your experience will depend on who your judge is, what your local court's procedures are like. There are some things that will be common to any divorce proceeding in the state--certain documents that need to be filed, certain court proceedings that will be required--but a lot of it is local custom and practice. Everyone's individual situation is unique, as well. You are an individual, your husband is an individual, and your kids are individuals.

So nobody is going to be able to predict, from here, what kind of experience it will be for you. I can tell you that we have supported people here through all kinds of legal proceedings. We will have your back no matter what, as you go through the process.
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Old 12-02-2015, 01:13 PM
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Vent away. Divorce comes with a lot of anxiety. My advise would be to rent a storage shed (pay for one month), put his stuff in it, and notify him that is where it is and he will either need to pay the next bill or get it out of storage. Done and well worth one month of storage fee I would say.

I would be cautious about living w/the inlaws, and very cautious in him getting his hands on your emergency fund. A free consultation with an attorney is definitely in order.

We are here to support you!
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Old 12-02-2015, 01:26 PM
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The only problem with hopeful's suggestion is that if he hasn't signed the contract for the storage facility, they can come after YOU if he doesn't pay the rent. I wouldn't want to risk my credit. If you're on good terms now with his folks, you can offer to pay the first month's rent if they will sign the contract. Then they can deal with him.
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Old 12-02-2015, 01:31 PM
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Great input Lexie.....glad we have that attorney point of view around!!!
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Old 12-02-2015, 04:05 PM
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Oh, I totally realize that only a local lawyer can give me the best, most relevant advice. Support is what I'm seeking here, not legal advice.

And to clarify - the kids and I don't live WITH my inlaws. They own the house that we live in, but they have a separate home.

I had thought about the storage unit idea, but I didn't think about the lease issue. I do know there are places that do month-to-month rentals.
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Old 12-02-2015, 05:10 PM
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Originally Posted by TropicalWinter View Post
Oh, I totally realize that only a local lawyer can give me the best, most relevant advice. Support is what I'm seeking here, not legal advice.

And to clarify - the kids and I don't live WITH my inlaws. They own the house that we live in, but they have a separate home.

I had thought about the storage unit idea, but I didn't think about the lease issue. I do know there are places that do month-to-month rentals.
I know you weren't asking for legal ADVICE, but what I'm saying is we can't even tell you what to EXPECT. So much depends on so many individual factors. Some people breeze through the process, relatively speaking, and other people have one battle after another. It's really impossible to predict. It's sort of like when you're pregnant and listen to other people's stories about labor. For some people it's a relative smooth, fast event and very manageable, and for others it's agonizingly painful with complications and less-than-helpful medical care. Know what I mean?

Most people have at least some points at which it's difficult--emotionally, at least. I've had two divorces and both were very simple and virtually painless except for the sadness that accompanies the loss that it represents.

As for the storage places, it's likely that even with a month-to-month lease, it will automatically renew until the contents are removed. Otherwise, the storage company is stuck with potentially disposing of a bunch of property and also taking the risk of being sued if they dispose of it--even if the agreement allows it, they are exposing themselves to responsibility for the contents.

Check it out, by all means, maybe you can find one that will work the way you hope it will.
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Old 12-02-2015, 05:25 PM
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I understand. Thank you.

My therapist has been encouraging me to get his stuff out of the house as a part of reclaiming my life - making my surroundings the way *I* want them to be. The thing is, AH doesn't really have a pot to **** in, much less room for his junk.
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Old 12-02-2015, 05:31 PM
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you may want to consider the current living arrangements in the larger picture.....you are already connected to your AH for the long haul because of the kids......continuing to live in your INLAWS home just keeps you further bound to THEM. you have mentioned that your relationship with them is already dysfunctional....and i assure you, it isn't going to get any easier.

i only suggest that you CONSIDER new living arrangements.........that are not tangled up with HIS family. you are going to want and need breathing room....being dependent upon HIM or THEM will hamper that going forward.
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